Jiyong took a long drag from his cigarette and sighed. How did he let it get this far. He understood the consequences of his actions but knowing them didn’t make the ache in his chest any better. He pulled the cigarette up to take another drag only to notice it had slowly burned down to a small stub. He flicked it to the ground and crushed it beneath his boot suddenly angry. Why should he have to deal with this crap? He was G-to the fricken- dragon; leader of Bigbang, one of Korea’s music prodigies, and one hell of a dresser.

Why should he let a stupid kid get in the way? ‘Maybe because you love him?’Jiyong smacked his hand against the wall. Letting his mind fill with the sting of physical pain; anything was better than the numbness that seeped through him. But he already missed him, that’s what made it even worse. How could he deal with leaving him behind if he already missed him now? ‘It’s because he’s become your habit… your ing habit.’ For the past five years Jiyong had never gone a day without contact with him. He had always rationalized that it was because he was the leader he had to keep track of his team, especially the flirtatious maknae.

But he had known somewhere along the line that it wasn’t just because of that. It was almost an involuntary urge… no a need to know where Seungri was. He didn’t know how or when he had become obsessed but he had. It was his fault. He took the blame for making himself feel the bitter mind numbing pain that he was tortured with everyday.  That’s why he had to get away. He was done dealing with the questioning stares he got after he unnecessarily chewed out the maknae for no reason, done with Youngbae’s sympathy, done with being empty of the words, that he before could so easily let flow onto paper, disappear into a void that he felt trapped in too. He was done with the feeling of being cauterized every time he saw Seungri, the feeling of being trapped under icy water without air to breath.

Even now just thinking of Seungri made his chest heave and his throat close up.  Silent sobs wracked through his body. Sobs that wanted to voice pain but couldn’t. Jiyong crumpled in on himself. His hand reached out and clawed at the wall; he tried desperately to find some hold on the world, some hold that would keep him from falling into that chaos of pain and utter sorrow that he had kept at bay for so long.

All he wanted was to get rid of his feelings for Seungri and be as they were before, hyung and dongsang, brothers, friends. If he only had kept his mouth shut at least then he could have dealt with everything. But Seungri had come to him, had actually been serious when they talked.

“Hyung, please tell me what’s going on.” Seungri had looked at him with a silent plea. Jiyong knew he had been distant and cold towards him, but what could he do? How else was he supposed to get over Seungri? He should’ve known that Seungri would notice something was off; how could he not with Jiyong’s stupid habit of obsessing over his every move since the beginning.

“Its…I…” Jiyong couldn’t tell him the real reason for his short temper and sullen mood. He had seen the many girls that Seungri dated and flirted with he knew Seungri wasn’t gay. He hadn’t thought he was either he had girlfriends that he was attracted to before. Even if he was just bi he knew either way Seungri wasn’t.

“Just tell me. Whatever it is I’ll fix it. I don’t want our relationship to be strained anymore. Is it me? Did I do something wrong?” Seungri was imploring. Almost to the point of begging for some kind of sign that he could fix the situation. His look only made it worse. It wasn’t his problem to fix. The only thing he could do was give Jiyong space. Unfortunately even if he wanted to he couldn’t they were in a band together. Seungri gently shook Jiyong. Even that slight physical contact made Jiyong wince. Seungri must have noticed he looked at Jiyong with such hurt. “Hyung…I…” Seungri unable to voice his words turned his head trying to hide the burning tears that flowed to the surface. Jiyong had seen them which only made him want to hold him more.

“Seungri…Please…I…”

“Save it Ji. I don’t know what’s wrong with you but if you’re going to be this way I’m done.” Jiyong watched helplessly as his maknae, his best friends, his whole world walked away from him. His words escaped him before his mind caught up with him.

“Seungri I love you.” He watched as Seungri stopped abruptly. He saw him involuntarily convulse. Jiyong knew before he turned around he would have a look of utter disgust on his face. He couldn’t look at his face but he watched Seungri’s feet turn slowly toward him. He didn’t want to hear Seungri speak but the words were seared into his mind nonetheless.

“Ji…I… love you too… but… not…” He didn’t wait to hear the rest he knew them already. He had played this very scene in his mind countless times. Maybe not in the exact setting but still the same words, ‘I love you too but not like that.’

He had run away. Run away from Bigbang, his music, and Seungri. He would have to go back he knew that but he couldn’t face them, especially Seungri. Not now anyway. He needed to kick his habit. He needed to kick every feeling he had of Seungri. It would leave him hollow, an empty shell of who he was but it was better than feeling like he did now… like . He crawled up the wall until he was on his feet again. He knew there would be many more episodes of sudden anguish. He just needed to control it. Control his feelings. Become a robot of himself. Show the world the fake version of himself, fake feelings that he might never feel again. Otherwise he would truly break. He couldn't kid himself; he was broken, no not broken, he was dead; he smiled slightly heartbreak makes the best songs right? He could already think of a title – Habits Kill – He searched his pocket and found the pen he always carried with him for moments like now. He started writing on his arm lyrics flowing from his brain to his skin. The feelings he could never voice before finally flooding forth. The words draining away everything… including himself. 

_______________________________

A/N:Taken from a prompt by ymo1157. Hope you like it!