Suga 

I stared at the window as the soothing rain droplets fall one by one, then simultaneously at a same time, creating a rhythm that can ease one's stressful mind. Here I am in bed, with a mug of tea at the side of the bed, trying to read up on news using my mobile phone while Gina snuggled against my body, arms hovering against my waist. I felt her moving, this time letting out a slight groan, as she carelessly brushed her hand pass my thighs, then turn to a different direction before sleeping comfortably again. I gulped down a lump of saliva down my throat. This girl is way too careless. The first minute she can be all cutesy, then suddenly seductive at the next. Sipping down the tea, I let out a sigh. She really worries me. She was so calm and happy just now when I left her be to take a nap, and suddenly, she just went to destroy the things in her house and broke down to cry and say such negative things. Like it was a normal thing to her for having bad mood swings like that. I thought of the letter Jongdae hyung left behind for me. One of the don'ts still bother me as of now, but I don't have the guts to ask her face to face. Scared that she will suddenly become like that again. I am fine with the rest.

I mean, who the hell is comfortable being called at patient? Even I myself find that very insulting. And I would definitely make her do things on her own, it's every human's nature. If she is sick, who in the right mind would make her stay up late? 

However, why is there a scar on her back? And why can't we touch it? Currently, her back is facing me, and I have a strong urge to just lift up her shirt and see the scar for myself. Just how bad the scar is. And why hyung is protective over this particular area right here. 

Sipping down the tea again, I tried putting the puzzle pieces together. Caution of scar at the back. Gina falling ill. Gina being happy and then suddenly breaking down and cry in a split second. What else happened? Oh, fainting twice, having short, quick breaths and palpitations. 

Wait, aren't these signs of anxiety? So that means, she could have got herself into an accident, and have a major operation because maybe her back was badly damaged. And maybe that is why the scar is there. And due to the accident, she loses it and gets remembered of it when there are triggers of it being shown to her, causing her to break down because of trauma. And she can easily overwork and she will have negative thinking here and there, saying ridiculous things that doesn't make sense at all. 

So in conclusion, something happened to Gina and thus, whenever someone talks to her about an accident, her anxiety will start to overpower her. And she will lose control of herself. 

Wow, I really salute Mr and Mrs Kim for dealing with this for the past 26 years in their lives. I am pretty sure it is not easy for them to handle someone like Gina. Jongdae hyung too. 

Hang on a second, something is missing somewhere. Why does the puzzle seem to fit, but it does not feel right somewhere? It makes sense in my head, but my heart won't approve the thesis that I worked on. 

Think about it. If they had an accident, why was Jongdae hyung left behind here with us when the other three flew overseas for so long, and did not even come back once to visit us here? Why is it only now when we are grown and sensible adults, Gina come back home to us? Without Mr and Mrs Kim. It seems very strange now that I think about it. And she said that she is not schooling. 

But she wanted us to be a pilot, together. Living the dream. Why is it only I, Min Yoongi, wearing a pilot suit and achieving the dream that we worked for together alone? I should be seeing her in the uniform as well. And her complexion, don't even get me started on that. It was too pale for a starter. I mean, mine is pale as well but hers is actually comparable to an ill-ridden person who was dying. I can see the efforts that she is making to try and hide the paleness in her face by putting on makeup, but now that I can see her clearly, the veins on her arms can be seen clearly. She is so damn white. Whiter than me. Whiter than the Caucasians. Whiter than milk. Her skin is translucent. And that alone is very scary. Her waist are small but slightly meaty, I'm thankful for that or she will be equivalent to a walking corpse. Her cold, tiny hands and bony fingers are so fragile, and her hair is not as thick like the other females out there. It was thin, but not balding, and her lips are chapped as well.

An accident would not make one look like this, not when it could have happened a long time ago. Is she ill? 

I have so many questions to ask in a short period of time. I mean, I know that we have a long time ahead of us, but I keep feeling that time is running out somehow? Not for me I guess, as of now. I have ample time to spend and plan to finish this semester, get the dream career that I have been working for and achieve milestones with my favourite members in the world. Yep, favourite of the favourite. I am pretty sure Jongdae hyung has time to spre thoughts about finishing his degree, traveling around the world, do greater things in life and definitely, get himself married. At an age like this, isn't it time for us to finally settle down and build our own family tree. You know, produce offsprings and expand the bloodline, all those things. Then, all out time will be devoted to the family. For the kids. The wife. Etcetera etcetera. Then we will have all the time we want in our hands. It's funny how people our age now are spending their time on things that they want, and not on the things they actually need. What's even more funny is that I am contradicting my own self because I am doing what others are doing right now instead of doing all the things that I have planned out in my head. Sigh. I guess maybe it's time for me to hit the bedsheets and clear my mind. 

Looking outside the window, the rain had come to an end, but the temperature is still chilly. Beside me, Gina has curled herself into a ball position and is shivering from the coldness. Hence, I got up, took my jacket hung on the chair and pulled away the blankets to wrap her with my jacket. 

And that's when I saw it. The back part of her shirt was lifted slightly, revealing a few red marks at the bottom area of her back. I my lips before swallowing the lump forming in my throat. I really wanted to know how bad she suffered. How bad the accident was. To the point it was damaged so badly. The red marks were triggering my senses to just transmit nerve impulses to my arm so that I would lift up that damn shirt. If only she wore something translucent, the mission would be easier. My conscious mind tells me not to do it, in case she wakes up and find me being a total ert for watching her sleep. Or even, trying to lift up her shirt. My instincts, however, begs me to just do it. Take a glance and then done, go to sleep. It's late in the evening and it's stupid to go to sleep at a time like this, but I'm so drained from today's ordeal. Plus, I need to do some producing for my boys later at night if there's enough time or when she continues to sleep soundly like this. Alright instincts, you win this time. 

As if on cue, Gina started shifting her position. Her front is completely absorbed by the mattress, revealing more of her back. I don't even need to lift up her shirt, half of her shirt naturally goes up by itself. 

And that was when I saw it. One red line across her back. The mark was so defined, I can easily conclude that it was there from a very long time. From just below her chest to just above her hip, the line was even thicker and even more detailed. With my two eyes, I can clearly see this area swollen, which means, the major procedures was conducted in this area. There were no sign of stitches at all. Just a zip-like swollen scar left behind as a trail. I couldn't help but to continue staring at the scar. So, she has been suffering this much. Maybe she went through multiple surgeries for that area, and maybe that is why she looks ill, because she can't be physically fit and rest in bed all day. Maybe that is why she stopped schooling, and didn't pursue our dream to be pilots. 

Now what, I am the only one fulfilling our dream? Despite you motivating me all the time, leaving me things behind as memory, despite me giving you that locket? I gasp for air. Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Why didn't you tell me that you were suffering? That you are still recovering from a bad memory? That you are suffering from anxiety? Why go through it all alone, Gina Kim? Why wasn't I there in the first place to be there for you when I know that you are rooting for me? 

I pulled down the shirt and wrapped the jacket around her. Next, I pulled the blanket until it only her nose is visible. Then, I reshuffled her position so that she is now resting her head under my arms. I pulled her close, her head touching my chest. You suffered too much, baby girl. And I wasn't there with you during your hard times. What kind of a best friend am I? Am I even fit to be one? 

I gently her hair and hummed a random tune. It's okay. I am here now. Beside you. With you. By your side. I'll never let you fall ill, get anxiety attacks, make you worry, and leave you. I'll always be here, with you. 

And I'll stay with you for a very long time. 

_______ 

Silence filled the whole room. Only the beeping of the live support could be heard, like a rhythm. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. In a small room there was at least one person guarding the patient lying still on the bed. Two private rooms were filled with worries, sorrow and anxiety. There were two names written on the door for each room. One written Wu Yi Fan, or Kris, and the other for Luhan. Every hour, people went in and out of the room, waiting, hoping, and praying for at least any news of improvement. 

Outside Luhan's room is a crying maknae, Sehun. Beside him, Xiumin sat on the couch, stoning. He had no facial expression. It was hard to tell what as going on in his head as he softly patted the Sehun's back, consoling him, telling him that it was going to be alright. In his eyes, he fear the worse that could happen. He could be the only one without his friends of the same age with him anymore. Muffles of cries could be slightly heard as family and friends waited at the lounge near the wards. Heartbroken. Sadness. Agitation. Too much negative vibes flowing in the hospital itself. Tao was planted beside Kris's room, prancing back and forth as Lay tried calming him down. Panicking and hoping for the worse is not what Tao should do now. The stress is mainly on Suho. He have to keep running to both rooms back and forth to calm the members down, check on Luhan and Kris's condition, and console the victim's family members as well. The eye-bags were dark and swollen enough to tell that he didn't catch any sleep, he was tired. The other members already fell asleep in the spare room, tired from the ordeal that they have to deal with the whole day. 

Jongdae, on the other hand, parked himself on the rooftop. The cold wind didn't affect him as he covered himself with a thick jacket, accompanied with a cup of warm coffee to keep him awake. Yawning slightly, he stared into the blank space in front of him. Is this how nervous his parents felt when they were waiting for Gina's condition to stabilize? Is this how devastated his parents felt when the doctors told them that Gina's chances of surviving was very low, she could die anytime? Is this now anxious his parents felt again, not being able to sleep, prancing back and forth in front of the ward, agitated. Not being able to sit still, not being able to eat anything, not being able to take their eyes off her and is constantly thinking about her until it hurts. Jongdae sipped some of his coffee and let out a sigh. If this is what they felt, then, I am glad that I am able to experience it now. I am thankful for being able to put myself in their shoes. Checkinh his phone, he was surprised to receive a message from Yoongi. 

Jongdae hyung! 

Don't worry, Gina is sleeping soundly when you read this message. I read your letter well and she's taking all her medications on time. She even make herself her own food when she wants to eat, does not make a fuss out of anything, and falls asleep very easily. 

However, I find it very strange. She was feeling happy when suddenly, she started to smash the things around her and breaks down to cry like it's nothing. Also, when she breaks down, she will tremble and rock back and forth. Then she will have palpitations, break into cold sweat and tremble. I checked on the internet that it's part of anxiety. So I went to read your letter but there is nothing like that that I should tae note of. 

Is there any medicine that I can give her to calm her down when this happens again? 

- Min Yoongi

Oh no. Why didn't I inform him about that? Maybe I was panicking and rushing to the airport, I forgot about it. Well, . What if he can't keep up with her like that and leave her all alone? No, he is mot like that. I have faith and I trust him. 

Putting back the phone in his pocket, Jongdae finished his coffee before going back to the ward. I'll think about replying him tomorrow. 

But as of now, he have to figure out what he should do himself first.