Yong Guk lay in bed with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t feel like himself – it felt like he wasn’t actually there. He knew he was alive but he felt so out of place.

And without any proper reason, a single tear slipped from the corner of his eyes, traveling down to his ear. There was just this immense sadness overwhelming him but he didn’t know what the source was.

But the reason could only be her.

His chest felt tight and his limbs felt heavy.

He felt like any sort of energy he had, it was mercilessly from him until he was dry. And again, he felt hopeless in doing anything about it. This time, there wasn’t anger, all the anger he could ever feel was released yesterday for poor Do Young to deal with and now he was only left with this feeling of desolation.

He was left with grief.

Yong Guk tried his best to find some piece of him that was left untouched by the strong emotion. When he did, he somehow pushed himself out of bed and dragged his feet to prepare for another painful day ahead.

Please.

Please.

That was the only word that repeated in his mind.

What he was left with was the option to beg. He wanted to beg her to at least allow him this much so that he didn’t have to lie lifelessly in that bed. He moved tiredly around his home to get ready. The glass shards of the smashed mug and metal teapot still lied scattered on the kitchen floor. And the funniest thing about that is that nothing ever related to him as closely as that.

He felt like that mug. He felt broken and irreparable.

You couldn’t put those pieces together again. Even if you did, the mug would be useless with all the cracks and with its new fragile state. 

She left him no other choice other than to be in that state.

Please.

Please.

“Please, Ji Eun.”

***

Yong Guk’s steps were heavy as he made his way down the sidewalk. He ignored the loud cars and the noisy people walking past him. Randomly, he would catch the wide smiles on their faces or their laughter would make its way into his mind.

He felt bitter towards those people. The people that could get through their life so easily made him resentful.

Everyone is at a different place in their lives.

He took a subtle sharp breath. Why do Do Young’s words still bother him even now? He said it himself, her words mean nothing. She didn’t know anything and her words didn’t hold any worth so why do they still sneak into his thoughts?

The bigger picture.

What bigger picture? Those words only confused him more. What did it mean? Before he knew it, Yong Guk reached the snack shop and opened it up. The bell rings at the moment of his entrance and he took quick steps inside. The stillness of the shop doesn’t make Yong Guk feel any better but he tried his best to push the feeling away. Once behind the counter, the picture frame of the woman looks back at him.

Her smiling face in the photo seemed to mock him too.

“I look comical, don’t I?” He asked softly. “I must look really pathetic, right?”

He leaned back against the wall and ran a hand through his messy hair. He glanced at the door, hoping someone will walk in to save him from his mind. He grabs the stool, listening to its legs scrap against the floor and pulls it up to the counter.

Wearily, he dropped his head onto the countertop surface and stared out the window. Unlike what he wanted, no one steps into his shop and Yong Guk remains sitting there. But part of him is thankful, he didn’t want anyone to see him like this anyway. Hours passed by without Yong Guk moving a single muscle but during that time, his brain worked endlessly. And soon, he was too jaded to even fight away the words.

One’s happiness is up to one’s decision.

When did it turn so simple? Just because he decides, it doesn’t mean he could achieve happiness.

Anything is possible.

No, it’s not. There are things meant to be unattainable.

Give yourself a chance to feel something more.

Something more than pain and desolation? It’s like he couldn’t feel anything other than those feelings.

Life is made to change.

“Then why does change move so slowly?” He mumbled to no one in particular.

“Because you’re stuck in the same spot, refusing to move.”

Yong Guk lifts his head up from the counter. He didn’t even hear the bell ring or the door open, signaling the new guest.

Do Young stays standing at the door, not taking any initiative to come closer.

Yong Guk takes a second before asking. “Why are you here?”

She points on the counter. Her face was still blank of emotions not giving off any clues as to what she was thinking. “You have something of mine.” She takes careful steps over to where he was sitting at.

Her hand reaches out for the keys and even in Yong Guk’s state, he could visibly see Do Young breathe a sigh of relief after having the ring of keys in her hands. It was as if a burden was lifted off her shoulders. He watched her glide her thumb over the charm like she had done dozens of times before.

“You asked why change moves slowly and should I tell you why?” Do Young asks without looking at him but all she got in response was silence. “I promise this would be the last thing I tell you.” She lifts her head to see him.

Yong Guk didn’t even have the energy to tell her to not lecture him and remained silent.

“When I look at you, I see someone trapped. You remain in this one spot while the world moves around you. So while change is actually taking place, you refuse to accept it. Change asks you to do one thing but you choose to do another. That’s why change is slow for you.” Do Young says gently. He constantly rejects and denies everything.

“Please leave, Do Young.” Yong Guk manages to finally speak. Though, the words came out breathy.

There he goes again. Denying and rejecting.

“Yong Guk, you’re on a path towards destruction.” She whispers. He looks up so that their eyes can meet. He saw sadness reflected in her gaze but he didn’t understand why? Why did it matter to her what happens to him? They didn’t have any sort of relationship so why would she care about him? He only shouted at her yesterday, why was she still trying to help him? Do Young should be infuriated at him but when he looks at her, there wasn’t a single trace of that emotion.

Do Young will always be a mystery to him. No matter how hard he tried to figure her out before, he could never crack her. He wasn’t successful then so he wouldn’t be successful now either.

“It’s none of your business.” He says again but there was no strength behind his words.

“This is what friends do, isn’t it?” Do Young easily responds like how she always manages to provide an answer to all of his remarks. “What kind of friend would I be if I allowed you to fall apart and hurt yourself?”

“I’m closing the shop early today, please leave.”

If Yong Guk wanted that, there was nothing Do Young could do about it. She nodded her head and turned around, silently. Yong Guk doesn’t say anything else and Do Young doesn’t either, although her mind was working at 100 miles per hour. She couldn’t stand this and it was simply maddening. Do Young was known to be calm and for the first time ever, she felt angry. Instead of reaching out to open the door, Do Young stood there frozen.

She closed her eyes and took a breath before opening them. “You know what?” She spun around and stared at Yong Guk. “I don’t understand people sometimes.” Do Young made sure to keep her voice steady. “They always say they want this or they want that but in the end, do they even try to do anything about it?” Do Young has never shown this side of her to anyone before. Do Young was normally beyond patient but in this situation, she couldn’t sit still any longer. “In the end, you make no effort and instead, expect your problem to go away on its own. It doesn’t work like that, you, yourself need to be the one that sets your life into motion.” She just wished Yong Guk took the time to at least listen to her once. Just once is enough.

Yong Guk doesn’t respond but instead just stares off into the distance. He was too tired to repeat himself and too tired to block out her voice. “Just once Yong Guk, have you ever thought that you could do it?” Her brows furrowed as she looked at him. But again, she receives no response. Her hands clenched the bottom of her skirt. Was he even listening to anything she was saying? “Yong Guk, don’t you see? You want to get better, there’s this part of you that still wants to get better. It may be a small piece but it’s still fighting. So don’t give up.” She was starting to plead him. When did someone like Do Young ever get this desperate?

This happened before, didn’t it? Do Young wonders to herself as memories of her past flashed through her mind. Maybe this is why she was trying so hard.

Her body relaxes upon realization and her breaths calm. “You know, yesterday you said that I never experienced losing someone so I shouldn’t sympathize with you.” Her voice is soft and she is back to her old self. “You’re wrong. I also lost someone. Someone I love dearly, so I do know the pain you’re going through.” The feeling of your heart breaking – she knew it well. The feeling of wanting for all the pain to end – she knew that also.

Yong Guk finally shifts his eyes towards her. “You’re lying.” She was just saying that. No one could ever truly know what he was going through.

“It’s the truth. But unlike you, I am in a different state of my life. I have moved on while you are stuck.”

He looked at her blankly. “Then you didn’t love that person enough.”

Do Young felt a prick at her heart. “You’re wrong again. I only grew from my pain while you continue to dwell in it.” Yong Guk thinks he’s a victim in this big, bad, cold world. But he fails to realize that there are others out there like him, others who are stronger, and others who are weaker but nonetheless, he continues to think he’s alone. “Stop providing excuses for yourself and cowering away.” Her voice is clear and distinct. “Finally take some responsibilities for yourself and face it so that you can move on.”

“You will always be a child in that aspect, Do Young.” Her words were meaningless to him.

“You shouldn’t be focused on who the child is here. You should be focused on who is the coward.” Do Young shoots back. She wanted him to stop carelessly brushing her words aside and actually take them seriously. But the more she looked at him, the more it seemed like it wouldn’t reach him no matter how hard she pounded it into him.

Yong Guk continued sitting there, with his back against the back wall and Do Young continued standing there, making no attempts to finally leave.

They just stared at each other, allowing the silence to consume them.

But, it was Do Young who escaped it first. “Yong Guk, I know it’s hard for you to listen to me but every word that ever left my mouth – I meant it.” Do Young was not one to rashly speak about things she didn’t believe in. “How much I believe in my words is how much I believe in you.”

And even if the man in front of her didn’t know, she knew it was more than plenty.

With a subtle breath, Do Young finally turns on her heels and pulls open the door, immediately leaving through it.

Yong Guk reaches for the ring on his finger and spins it. Her words managed to make him feel worse. Why is that? He looks over at the counter to see the magazine he had been foolishly reading. At the beginning there was this small flame of hope but now he couldn’t seem to find the remnants of it. A faint bitter chuckle left his lips as he reaches for it. Like habit, he flipped through the pages and landed on the one with the seven steps.

“Feeling like you want to give up is natural, but don’t let it overpower you.” He read out loud to himself but he doesn’t stop there.

Don’t you see? You want to get better, there’s this part of you that still wants to get better. It may be a small piece but it’s still fighting. So don’t give up.

“Learning to let go is the first step in accepting.” He read the sixth step.

Finally take some responsibilities for yourself and face it so that you can move on.

His eyes move down to the last and final step. “Know that you’ll heal with time. Have hope.”

How much I believe in my words is how much I believe in you.

Both of his hands moved up to the top of each page on his left and right. Gripping it tightly, in one swift motion and opposing movements, the magazine ripped into two. “You were right, this magazine is horrible.” He spoke softly. He tossed whatever remained of the magazine into the wastebasket below his feet.

It was a losing battle since the beginning.

He dropped his head back onto the counter and his eyes moved towards the frame beside the cash register.

“Ji Eun, you knew from the start that it was going to end like this, right?” This state was no better than being dead. She had to know that this is how he’ll end up. So why did she so carelessly leave him like this? “How could you be so selfish?”

His nose stung and his eyes burned as the words left his throat. Why didn’t she warn him that this was how he was going to feel? Why didn’t she tell him of the unbearable pain that was awaiting him?

“How could you leave me behind like this?”

And like how it has been the past two nights, without his permission, the tears begin to fall. He bit his lips and tried to stop himself but it was useless. What was his crying for?

Was he crying for the sorry state he was in?

Was he crying for his loss?

Was he crying because there was no other way to express his grief?

What exactly was it for?

Maybe if Do Young was here, she would probably know.

Who was he kidding? He wouldn’t listen to her anyway.

The night had grown dark, the streets have started to become empty, and the traffic on the roads have slowed down into nothing, but Yong Guk hadn’t bother lifting his head from the counter. He hasn’t kept track of what was going through his mind. But, one thing was for sure.

He didn’t want to go home.

He knew if he did, he would be bombarded with more thoughts of her. The home was supposed to be where all the warmth and happiness lay but now it was one of his biggest reasons of pain.

It changed.

So how could he change it back? Change it back to what it once was?

But that was impossible too.

Everything Do Young had ever talked about was simply and undeniably impossible. He couldn’t ever do what she wanted him to do. He has long accepted that fact. She was expecting too much from him. Yong Guk wasn’t the type of person Do Young thought he was and he grew angry having been told he could do it when in fact, he couldn’t.

He closed his eyes.

What did he want?

He wanted to live again. He wanted to be released from these bindings. He wanted to feel that feeling of happiness again. He wanted to feel like how he did when she was alive. He wants it so badly.

That night, despite the counter being hard and cold, it was still ten times more comfortable to fall asleep on than the bed at home.

Author's Note:

Don't you just want to give him a big O' hug? 

Well, readers. Just two more chapters! :D