“I can’t.”

Not many things annoy Do Young but if she had to choose something, it would be the words, ‘I can’t’.

“Really, Do Young. I can’t pass this exam.” Haemi whined again and dropped her head on the lunch table. Do Young had been trying all morning and part of the afternoon to get her friend to study…or at least to get her to stop whining.

“I don’t understand you.” Do Young mumbles. “You say you want to pass but you’re sitting here not doing anything to make it happen.”

Haemi jerked her head up to look at her oblivious friend. “Do Young, those are two completely different things.” Haemi sighs. “I do want to pass but it’s not the matter of wanting, but do I actually have the ability to, is the question.”

Do Young shakes her head at her friend. “How could you have given up already?” It doesn’t hurt to try so why not take the opportunity.

“What’s the point? It’ll end badly either way.” Haemi dropped her head onto the table once more. “Just leave me to drown in my own misery.” Her melodramatic words actually made Do Young roll her eyes. And honestly, not much would cause such a reaction to come from Do Young.

Because even though Do Young can be characterized by the words; weird, oblivious, blank, predictable – there were more positives ones. Like, patient, positive (despite it not showing), and understanding.

So for Haemi to successfully make Do Young to give her the unordinary eye-roll of exasperation – it was quite a feat to accomplish. 

Do Young continued to hear groans from her friend and she found the sight before her amusing. “Do my words mean nothing to you?” Do Young wasn’t much of a pep talker since her personality will never make her successful at it but it never stopped her from doing it. “Haemi, anything is possible.” Though, the words were cliché, it rung true in Do Young’s mind because every time she said it, she meant it.

The groans stopped abruptly. “You’re right.” Haemi snapped her head up to face Do Young once more and it caused a smile to tug at Do Young’s lips. “Anything is possible. I mean the answers are right there, I just have to know it.”

“That’s how school works.” Do Young simply replies and went back to finishing her lunch. She reached out and pushed Haemi’s tray of food towards the girl again. “Eat up, you’ll need all the energy you can get.”

***

They couldn’t necessarily be called fears because Do Young doesn’t normally have fears, but there are things she didn’t prefer (since they would overwhelm her). Like the fact that her normal routine changed. It wasn’t a big change but it was still a change that slightly bothered Do Young.

She had to stay longer after school for cleaning duties, so now she was heading down the street a little later in the day than she had planned.

Do Young was someone who took notice of small details but now, everything felt so much more different just by the span of an hour or two and it was certainly, well, overwhelming.

The streets were a little bit busier during this time of day, the sun was not as bright, there were more people sharing the sidewalk with her, and the businesses on the sides had more customers than usual.

To other people’s perception, they may not be major changes but it was to Do Young.

She finally reaches the street before the snack shop and took a single step, getting ready to cross. But the sudden burst of horns blaring made Do Young jump in surprise. She looked up at the sign that signaled ‘not to cross’ and mentally scolded herself. She had forgotten and was going to carelessly walk across such a busy street.

This small change was throwing her off. Maybe that’s the reason why she didn’t like change all that much. Change causes you to adapt and adapting meant you needed to be more mindful – which was something Do Young could never do. She wasn’t called unaware and oblivious for no valid reason.

When the light changed, Do Young headed in the direction of the snack shop. She opens the door when she makes it to her destination and walks in.

She peers from side to side to find the owner but he wasn’t in sight – well he wasn’t but the sounds of boxes rustling caught her attention.

“I’ll be there in a minute.” The deep voice rang out from the back.

“Take your time, it’s me.” Do Young answers and walks over to the familiar seat at the counter. While waiting for him, she takes a look around the shop but there was nothing different, no change. The aisles of small snacks, the ice box in the corner, the candy shelves beside her, the blank white wall and the photo behind the counter near the cash register, and the magazine that Yong Guk was supposed to “recycle” was still there sitting neatly upon the counter. Nothing changed.

But like Do Young, not many people were fond of change.

Feeling her keys slipping from her pocket, Do Young reaches for them and places them on the countertop. She found herself lost in random memories as her fingers played with the sun charm.

After doing his inventory, Yong Guk walked out from the back room to see Do Young in her usual spot that she sat in every day. Do Young doesn’t look up when he appears behind the counter. Her attention was focused on the little chain in her fingers and Yong Guk noticed. But what the charm was? He didn’t know.

Seeing something out of order, Yong Guk bent over to fix the box holding random items under the counter.

“Tiring day?” Do Young asks out of nowhere and Yong Guk freezes in position before going about his task of organizing. “Today isn’t Wednesday, how come you’re doing inventory?” Her question was innocent but once again, Yong Guk felt like there was more to it. It felt as if Do Young caught onto what he was trying so hard to hide.

He sighs and straightens up. “What? You know my schedule now?” He needed something to do. Especially on days where thoughts of her plagued his mind relentlessly, he had to do anything that would distract him.

“I just simply take notice.” Do Young finally looks up to see him. “I didn’t think the frown could get any deeper – but it did.” She sighs after commenting.

“There’s no frown, it’s just my face.” Yong Guk retorts and pulls over a tall stool to take a seat behind the counter. He didn’t know why she always had to point it out, it wasn’t like it was going to ever go away, so might as well get used to it.

“It’ll give you wrinkles.” Do Young answers as she places the ring of keys away in her backpack.

“Wrinkles are a natural part of aging.”

Do Young looks up and her eyes scan Yong Guk’s face. “You’re aging quite fast then.” By the rate Yong Guk was going, he could pass for a 30 year old. “But then again, it could also mean something is taking its toll.” Wrinkles may also be a sign of hardship and stress.

There she goes again. Yong Guk felt the exterior he made sure to keep get shaken by a few of her words. Why can she so easily break the front he tries so hard to put up? Do Young tilts her head as she looks at him and Yong Guk glances back. “What?”

“Watch your health.” Do Young replies innocently. Though, it didn’t really sound like she cared by the tone she used but Yong Guk knew she meant well. Do Young was always careful with her words even if others didn’t notice, so he had no reason to brush off her care easily.

“I am.” He retorts. “I eat well –“

“I meant physically and mentally.” Do Young leans over to the side to grab her usual candy bar.

Not wanting the words to affect him, he quickly retorts. “You should be the one talking. Eating a candy bar every day isn’t doing any good for your health.”

“Says the man that eats ramyun for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” Do Young easily responds. “Do you know that it’s high blood pressure in a pack?”

Yong Guk points at her. “And that’s diabetes wrapped up nicely.”

She looks down at the candy bar in her hands. “I’m different. I have young blood so my body can bounce back from the candy bars.” She says as she rips the wrapper and takes a bite so he can see.

He scoffs at her. “You’re full of contradictions, aren’t you?”

She leans forward and her eyebrow. “I guess that makes two of us.”

Yong Guk knew she was implying something but she always says it vaguely, like she didn’t want to be caught knowing his secrets. “How can you mouth off to your elders so easily?” He mumbles loudly enough for Do Young to hear.

“Simple. I’m not.” She continues to munch on the bar and soon, her ringtone sounds off and a bright and cheery song can be heard throughout the small snack shop. Yong Guk stares at her with his mouth slightly ajar. She really was full of contradictions.

“Hello?” It was her mom wondering where she was. “Yes, I’m here again.” It was no surprise to anyone that Do Young liked to spend her time at the snack shop. “I’ll go home before it gets dark.” Do Young especially avoided walking home when the sun went down. Do Young glances at Yong Guk as her mom warns her about something. “Don’t worry, I’m not being rude to him.”

“Lies.” Yong Guk adds quietly and Do Young gives him a look to not interfere.

“I’ll see you later, bye.” Do Young shuts the phone off and places it on the counter.

“What would your mom say if she finds out you’re being rude to me?”

“Nothing will happen and she won’t find out because I’m not being rude.” Do Young denies casually.

“You’re really something.”

“Yong Guk, what exactly is, ‘something’?”

Her lack of understanding made Yong Guk shake his head. He got up from his stool and walked up to the counter to knock on her head. “Either say, Yong Guk ssi or oppa.” He scolds her. “Your mom really will be angry if she ever hears you.”

She touches the spot on her head that he nudged. “Even if she does, she wouldn’t stay angry for long.” Do Young never fails to provide some response. “After all, we only have each other.” She softly responds.

Yong Guk sighs. Really. Was it just him or does Do Young really do this on purpose? Even if she didn’t mean it, her words always seem so cryptic and he never knows what she means by it. Giving her one last look, he reaches for the magazine and flips it open as he leans his elbows on the flat surface. The page containing the steps automatically open and Yong Guk found himself looking at the next number.

“What’s number three?” Do Young asks as she leans over to look at the page. In her opinion, the steps weren’t anything useful but she was curious to find what other advices that might be listed.

Yong Guk sighs with his eyes remaining on the page. “To counter the problem, make some changes in your life.” He read the words verbatim.

Change.

The word automatically makes Do Young not want to find out anything further in the magazine.

But, the words repeated itself in Yong Guk’s mind and honestly, he didn’t see anything that can be done about his problem. Changes? What kind of changes was there that can help him move on with his life?

She will remain invading his mind and there was nothing he can do about it. No change can make thoughts of her go away. Memories of his last moments with her formulated in his mind and he clenched the pages of the magazine in his hands.

He can’t make any changes.

Do Young hears the crumpling and looks at his grips. She reaches out for the magazine and Yong Guk instinctively relaxes his fingers. “This magazines gives horrible advice, please just recycle it.” She says softly and takes the thing from him.

Yong Guk’s jaw tightened and he swallowed before speaking. “Why is it horrible?” He didn’t want to show how it was affecting him. He couldn’t break down now. Especially not in front of another person’s presence.

Do Young decides to not pry or question his behavior. There must be a reason and she felt like she wasn’t entitled to ask. So instead, she focuses on the magazine and she lifts it up and points at the one word that irks her. “This word, right here.” Yong Guk looks up to see the word ‘change’ above her fingertip.

For a split second, Do Young managed to distract Yong Guk from his afflicting thoughts. “What’s wrong with it?”

She brings the magazine back flat on the table. “Change is such a tiring word, isn’t it?” Do Young is temporary consumed by her own thoughts. Change had such a negative connotation in her life and it was hard to think it’s associated with something positive.

“I have no idea what you’re saying.” Yong Guk says as he looks at her. And honestly, he didn’t want to hear it. Not this time. All the other times – without himself knowing, her words had clung to his every thought and he actually took them seriously. So seriously, that he tried to do something about his problem….or at least feel like he could do something about it. But, he failed miserably and he didn’t care to put in the effort anymore.

As much as she will try to tell him things, he will, just as much, deny them.

Do Young inhales a deep breath. “You know today, I had to stay late for cleaning duties.” She looks up at him. “I have this routine that I follow every day and I don’t think you noticed. But, I like having a routine so that I know what will happen.” Maybe, that explains why she doesn’t like surprises or that she was predictable. “That small random thing that was suddenly added to my day, affected everything, every part of my routine. It simply changed everything.”

“Do Young, what are you rambling about?” Yong Guk was getting lost. He had no idea where she was going with this. He places his elbow on the counter to hold his head up on his palm. If that didn’t show he was uninterested, he didn’t know what else he can do.

“I’m telling you about my day.” Do Young simply responds in a manner that says just that – like she was only telling him about her day, nothing more.

But Yong Guk knew. When it came to Do Young, there was always something more. It is never what it seems. “Well, if you insist.” Yong Guk answers tiredly.

His response did nothing to offend Do Young and she begins again. “Because everything changed, I no longer knew what to expect. But there’s something I’ve come to realize.”

Yong Guk clearly didn’t want to know but he was drawn to her words. “What is it?”

“Change will happen regardless if you’re ready for it or not.” Do Young wisely states. “Like today, my routine was bound to change regardless if I wanted it to or not.”

Yong Guk nodded his head slowly. “Thanks for sharing, Do Young.” He scratches the back of his head and turned his attention out towards the window.

Despite not knowing if Yong Guk was listening to her or not, Do Young continued. “Change is necessary. Life is made to change, otherwise we would all be in the same state in our lives. We can be happy, sad, and angry because change makes it all possible.”

Yong Guk didn’t want to listen. He told himself not to listen. He didn’t want to have any hope – with hope, you’re crushed more easily when nothing comes out of it. 

Do Young sighs. “So when you think change is impossible, just remember that change doesn’t simply stop, just like how time doesn’t either. So if you can’t stop it, might as well take advantage of it.”

Yong Guk listens to her silently because he didn’t know how to respond. “Do Young, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” It was easier for her to say. But, if she was in his spot, will she say the same thing?

“I probably don’t.” Do Young doesn’t hesitate to answer. “After all, the changes people go through are all different and everyone is in a different place in their lives.” She reasons. Not getting a response from Yong Guk, Do Young sighs loudly. “Maybe, I should make a change.”

Yong Guk looks up at Do Young questionably. What was she going to do now?

Do Young spins around in her chair to look around the little shop. She has never looked past the candy shelves so she didn’t know where to look exactly. Her eyes catch the fridge that held the medicinal drink packs. She doesn’t delay slipping out of her seat to head straight to that fridge.

Yong Guk straightens up behind the counter to watch her.

Do Young slides open the glass door to grab a cold pack and returns to her seat.

“You won’t like that.” Yong Guk blurts seeing what she was planning.

Do Young doesn’t heed his warning and rips the corner open. “Well, I don’t know if I don’t try it.” She quickly brings it to her lips and allowed the chilled liquid to enter . As soon as it touches her tongue, the bitter taste struck her hard and she struggles to swallow it. Involuntarily, her face scrunches at the disagreeable taste.

Yong Guk clicks his tongue at her. “I told you. Why don’t you listen?” He tries to reach for it but she moves the pack away from his grasp.

The after taste was making it hard for Do Young to speak and she swallows again, hoping for some of the taste to disappear. “I need to finish it.”

“Look at that – change isn’t so great, now is it?” Yong Guk tried to make his point.

“You’re being quite negative.” Do Young forces herself to finish it and when she does, which wasn’t easy, she tosses the empty pack out. She needed to make her point. “Even though that was the most unpleasant thing, I have ever drunk – something good came out of it. “ Do Young breathes out. “The drink might not have been sweet like the candy bars and it is easier to stick to the chocolate but, the drink was healthier.”

Yong Guk stared blankly at Do Young. “You did all that to prove that.”

“I did all that for my body and health.” She retorted. “Change can be painful at first – “

“That drink was painful?”

“Yes it was.” Do Young quickly shots back. “It was painful to finish all of that but that’s not the focus right now.” She switches the subject back. “The focus is that although change can be painful, the end result should be the most important.” Whatever Yong Guk was going through in his life, Do Young wanted him to understand that unless he wants to be stuck in the same spot he is in at the current moment, he needs to accept the change or to make changes, himself.

It is the only way to move on. To move past wherever is holding him back.

***

Yong Guk wanted to make Do Young’s words disappear but like how it always is, they consumed his every thought, refusing to be brushed aside – and Yong Guk was getting frustrated.

He didn’t care.

Whatever she wanted him to do, he couldn’t do it.

Time moved slowly for him. So change wouldn’t be any different.

He couldn’t wait that long. How could he keep himself intact for that long?

Because every time he thinks of getting better, she appears. It was like his whole body was wrapped up with memories of her. It weighed him down and he couldn’t go anywhere. What did Do Young want him to do? He felt like weights were tied around his ankles and wrists and they seemed to get heavier each day, preventing him from going anywhere.

It was relentless.

It was tiring.

Yong Guk walked into his home and just stood there facing his living room. The home that was once warm, felt so cold. Everywhere he looked, something reminded him of her.

Because she walked on these floors. She once lived here. They were once together in this one place. How could he forget all of that?

Yong Guk clenched his hands at his sides. The frustration was starting to overfill him and he wanted to quickly forget it. He needed a distraction. Yong Guk marches into the kitchen to grab his usual mug. He pulls out the teabag and frantically sets it inside his cup.

Even that brought memories of her.

He quickly pulled the teapot out and filled it with water. He sets it on the stove and turns it on. His hands shook by his side. Despite his wishes, she moves through his thoughts again, bringing forth the feelings of anger. He clutches his head and stands there for what felt like mere seconds, hoping she would just leave him alone.

It has been two years. But just remembering her would make the pain and wounds feel so fresh again. How was that even possible?

He snaps back hearing the whistling of the pot. His hands work fast as they grab ahold of the mug and the teapot. Yong Guk jumped in surprise as his unstable hands shook the teapot, sending scorching hot water onto his fingers.

That was the last straw. Yong Guk didn’t have control over his actions next and flings the cup across the kitchen, having it smash against the wall and he tosses the teapot in another direction. The sounds of clanking of the metal pot were soft in comparison to his breathing and the pulsing in his head.

“Leave me alone!” There was no other outlet other than to scream – to release the anger. Yong Guk’s legs grew unsteady and he grabbed the side of the counter to keep him on his feet. “Let me be!” He clenched his hand into a fist and brought it down on the counter.

Why did she have to torment him like this?

Every single day living felt like a punishment.

A punishment that he didn’t know what was for.

He fell to the floor and clutched head with both arms. “Please just leave me.”