Everything today seemed to be working against Yong Guk. No matter what he did, he would somehow mess up. He even considered shutting down the shop for the day but seeing how it was a distraction from her, he ended up not doing it.

Only because he couldn’t.

But everything set him off and his mood kept getting worse– the door’s ringing bell, the people that walked in, and just the whole air of the shop. It was simply suffocating and Yong Guk couldn’t do anything about it.

His jaw muscles tightened and he clenched his hands at his side, feeling the troubling feeling bubble within him again now that he was all alone in the shop.

When the feeling continued to grow and as it was about to burst, the bell to the shop goes off.

Do Young steps inside and her eyes immediately focus on Yong Guk behind the counter. She stops in her spot just when she gets inside and as the door shuts behind her. “Waiting for me?” She asks light-heartedly and walks to the counter to take her usual seat.

Yong Guk takes a subtle deep breath and as he does, he mentally tells himself to keep it together. It does help now that the troubling feeling is partly gone due to her presence.

“How are you today?” Do Young asks but her attention is on getting her homework from her backpack.

“…Good.” He answers quietly. The single word struggled to leave his throat. “Do Young, maybe today you should go –“

“Are you taking care of yourself?” She doesn’t give him time to finish his statement. For some reason today, Do Young knew she couldn’t leave him to himself. “As in physically and mentally?” She looked up at him and noticed his unusual nervous jittery behavior. Along with that, Do Young noticed the unnaturally dark bags underneath the man’s eyes and the gaunt look he seems to have started to sport.

Yong Guk bit the inside of his lip. She knows.

Do Young turns her head to look out the window when she gets no response. “I saw a car accident while on my way here.” The bright sunlight causes her to squint her eyes a bit as she watches the cars drive by. “It was two men and they were in a heated argument about the pay for damages.” She continues to speak without checking to see if Yong Guk was even listening. “In the end, they couldn’t agree on anything and officers were brought to the scene.”

“What is your point on telling me this?” Yong Guk sighs.

“The bigger picture.” Do Young replies shortly but there was another motive in her telling him this. She wanted to distract him. For a second, she wanted him to focus on something else other than what was currently troubling him. Because Do Young was aware that today wasn’t like the other days.

But Yong Guk felt something totally different. He felt frustration. Normally, Do Young cryptic words would confuse Yong Guk but today, it did nothing but annoy him. “Do Young, please come out and just say it.” He kept his voice steady and made sure not to raise it.

Do Young sensed his sharp tone but she didn’t feel bothered. There was something else that concerned her instead. There was a sudden feeling of worry that nagged at her. “One of the men had a wife –“

At the mention of the word, Yong Guk’s heart thumped painfully against his chest. Such a simple word but it brought forth such complicated thoughts and feelings. Soon, her words grew louder and overshadowed his inner turmoil.

“ – instead of worrying about her and her safety, he spent his time arguing over replaceable metal parts of a car.” Do Young spoke as she remembered the angered face of the man. While the wife stayed in the car, probably in pain from the whiplash, he continued his rampage. “It’s weird how priorities could be so mixed up easily.” Her voice grows soft and she looks at Yong Guk. “The man failed to see the bigger picture.”

“Do Young, really. Did you just come here to tell me this?” He really didn’t understand her goal. What did she get out of just telling him pointless things? “Do you not have someone to listen to your random ramblings?” This probably wasn’t enjoyable and the girl seemed indifferent about the whole thing. He really wanted to know what was so appealing of making these visits every day.

Do Young was taken aback by Yong Guk’s sudden attitude but she didn’t allow it to show upon her face. There were always reasons – in conclusion, there’s always the bigger picture. “You know it’s routine.” She answers, her tone unaffected by his own. “Before I even know it, my legs seem to always bring me here.” There was something about Yong Guk that drawn her towards him. It was probably whatever he tried so hard to hide that made Do Young curious. She tried to place her interest on the shop and its snacks but the truth was that it was Yong Guk that always attracted her to come back.

But, it was a little secret that she decided to keep to herself.

Yong Guk had never felt so irritated at her presence. It had never occurred to Yong Guk that this whole routine she had was so bothersome. Because before, he really didn’t mind her company. She was the only reason besides the shop that kept him sane and away from his destructive thoughts and feelings. But now everything felt different, it didn’t feel like how it did in the beginning. Instead of temporary relief, he felt so much dislike. “Do you come here to taunt me?”

Do Young blinked in surprise. “Where do you get that idea?”

“Then why else would you come here?” Yong Guk snapped at her. “Don’t say it’s routine because that’s absolutely bull. You come here to talk about things that I don’t care about and I’m sorry Do Young, but you really have no idea about the real world.” It was like a dam that was struggling to keep back all the water and when it couldn’t anymore, it broke to pieces. And like a dam, Yong Guk couldn’t contain all of the hurt, frustration, and anger any longer and he was releasing it all at once.

And unfortunately it was Do Young who happened to be on the receiving end. He knew he needed to stop himself but it was too late.

Silence fell between the two and for once, it was uncomfortable. Do Young nods her head, finally giving Yong Guk a reaction to his unexpected outburst. “You’re right. I don’t know the real world. I’m only 17, it’s only true that I am still naïve. But Yong Guk, I’ve once said that everyone is at a different place in their lives, correct?” What Yong Guk was going through is different to what Do Young was going through so he had no right to be insensitive towards her.

“Do Young please stop with your words of wisdom.” Yong Guk lightly mocked her. “Stop pretending like you understand anything about my life. You are a child who needs to grow up before offering any sort of advice to anybody.”

Do Young was suddenly speechless. What happened to Yong Guk in one night? Except she already had an idea that Yong Guk was already reaching his limit. “You need to calm down.” She calmly states but it only fueled Yong Guk’s anger.

“I need to calm down?” He chuckled bitterly. “If you don’t like it, get out of my shop.” He nodded towards the door.

“You’re only hurting yourself.” Do Young refused to give up. She cared about him, he had become someone who made an imprint in her life and she didn’t want him to hurt himself anymore.

“I’m perfectly fine. I’ve never felt better.” He lied effortlessly. “Like I said, you know nothing about me.”

Do Young found that statement the most amusing thing he had ever said. “You’re wrong.” To Yong Guk, Do Young knew she was probably seen as an oblivious person– everyone felt that way. But, they only see what is shown. They can only see the physical aspects. But what goes on in Do Young’s mind is invisible. When they see her look out windows, they only see where her eyes are set towards but they don’t know what she’s thinking about as she looks out. Because unlike a lot of people, Do Young sees the world. Not as it is, to everyone’s eyes but more than that. She sees the bigger picture.

That’s why Do Young will always remain as a paradox. She will always be seen as someone who is oblivious to the happenings around her but all the while, she is actually discovering new amazing qualities about the world.

It’s easier to see things at surface level – no one actually takes time to see everything else beneath it. There are finer details people choose to ignore, and it is those finer details that Do Young pays attention to.

So while others go on with their lives, not once taking a single second to look around them, little things are easily missed. And that is what Do Young has been trying her best to show Yong Guk but he never caught on.

He was lost at surface level while she was trying to explain the bigger picture.

Yong Guk scoffs at her denial. “Then say what it is that you know about me.” Yong Guk rarely talked about himself. He didn’t like showing vulnerability or his pain so what would Do Young know?

“You’re a man at the age of 24, who owns a snack shop.” Do Young states and Yong Guk looks at her in disbelief.

“Is that all?” He knew that was the extent of her knowledge.

“Did you think that’s all I have noticed?” Do Young retorts and Yong Guk meets her eyes. Like it was mentioned before, Do Young is very detailed and not careless like how she seems to others. “There’s a saying that there is more than what meets the eyes.” Everything seems like something but it is never what it seems. “I know you’re hiding something but I never felt I had any right to ask you what it is that you keep hidden.”

Yong Guk regretted his order but couldn’t bring himself to stop her.

Do Young continues. “You’re not happy and despite everything that you do, it never gets better.” Do Young looks behind Yong Guk to see the picture beside the cash register. “She’s your wife isn’t she? I know she isn’t around anymore and I know you can’t forget her.” She eyes the wedding ring on his finger. “It only proves it more when I see that ring on your finger that you refuse to take off. And whenever you are pushed into a corner and get nervous, you would always spin it, like habit.” She had noticed that when her words hit home, Yong Guk would always mess with the ring. It was an insecurity type of action. And like what she said, at that moment, Yong Guk reaches for the ring mindlessly and spins it. When he becomes aware of his actions, he clears his throat and places his hands back at his sides. “And she seems to be the source of all your problems, right?”

Why did she know all of that?

“I also know you try to act like you’re okay but your true feelings are the ones you keep hidden, the ones that show themselves when you’re alone and most vulnerable. So what happens when you’re home?” She asks softly. “Is that when you fall apart?”

He tried to keep it all away from everyone but why did a mere teenager know all of that? Was he that transparent? The questions only made him angrier the more he thought about it.

“I know it’s not easy to lose someone –“

Soon, the anger causes Yong Guk to stop her from continuing further. “Stop right there.” He doesn’t know how Do Young knew all of that but he refuses to listen to her sympathize with him about something that she doesn’t know. “Do not pretend you know how it feels.” He sternly says. He hated that the most.

When he first lost her, the words he heard over and over again were, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, ‘I know it’s hard now but it’ll get better’, ‘I know how it feels’. Those words of false comfort did nothing.

They didn’t know her. They weren’t the ones that lost her. So why did they feel the need to say something like that? Why did they need to pretend?

And then there are words that he resented the most – ‘We’re here for you’.  Those words were all lies.

Because at the end of the day, Yong Guk was alone.

Do Young could only look at Yong Guk with sadness. “Yong Guk, you’re not the only in this world who has lost someone. So I wish you would stop looking at yourself like you’re the victim and I, as the attacker.” He continues to make himself feel victimized and suddenly defends himself against her. She isn’t an enemy.

Yong Guk gritted his teeth. “Get out.”

“You’re only reacting this way because you know my words meant something.” Do Young remains unaffected by his callous words.

“Don’t make me say it again. Get out of my shop.”

When Do Young refuses to get up, Yong Guk marches out from behind the counter and grabs her arm to pull her from the chair. At the same time, he grabs her backpack off the ground.

Do Young doesn’t fight but the rough actions cause her to drop her keys. Do Young looks behind her after hearing the familiar sounds. After seeing what was on the ground, she tries to pull back as Yong Guk attempts to drag her out the store. “Wait!” She needed the key chain, it held something important. “Yong Guk, wait! My –” Her normal calm composure it quickly forgotten when panic took over.

But, Yong Guk didn’t notice her sudden change of tone and opens the door. He swings her whole body around and she is forced out of the shop. Yong Guk wasn’t gentle towards her backpack either. Before shutting the door, he chucks her backpack out to the ground beside her feet. To make it impossible for her to come back in, Yong Guk locks the door after stepping back inside.

Do Young bangs on the door with both of her fists. “Open this door!” She shouts but Yong Guk easily ignores it. Seeing that it was pointless, Do Young steps back and takes deep breaths to slow her pounding heart.

The knowledge that her most precious possession was not in her hands was making her slightly freak out but she knew Yong Guk wouldn’t open this door no matter how much she continued to bang on it. At least not today.

With a troubled heart, Do Young had no choice other than to go home.

Yong Guk moved back away from the door, no longer hearing Do Young’s voice. His unstable steps stumbled slightly backwards until he felt something hard under his foot. He looked down and moved his foot slowly aside to see what it was.

The charm gleamed as the sunlight hit it through the window. He crouched over and slowly picked it up. This was the charm that Do Young always played in her fingers but he quickly brushed the thoughts aside and tossed the ring of keys carelessly on the counter.

The keys sliding across the counter accidently knocks the magazine over and as it hits the floor, the page to the steps opened up.

Yong Guk picked it up and mindlessly, his eyes found step 4.

It’s hard and frustrating at first, but remember to not take it out on others. Lean on them instead to help get you through this painful time of your life.

Well, it was too late for that.

***

Yong Guk lied on the cold hardwood floor of his home and stared blankly at the wall in front of him. He was just utterly exhausted. The pain is getting to be too much for him and at this point, no matter what he does, images of her would move in and out of his mind, and then only to be replaced by another.

His hands have been bounded since the beginning. He never had a chance from the start to get better. Was this how the rest of his life will be like? It was torturous how she made life for him. She was gone so why did she still have such a strong hold on him?

Yong Guk’s eyes burned at the sudden emotions. What else is there left for him to do? He couldn’t forget her, he couldn’t live life with memories of her, he just couldn’t move on from her.

Each day was getting harder and harder for him. Like Do Young had said in the beginning, he was barely hanging on now so what other actions can he take to get better? To even think that he could have tossed her things out or to forget her was a mistake. It only made things worse for him because the more he tried to do anything, the more she held on tighter for him.

There was no escape.

He was in an endless maze that he was never meant to leave. All that is left that he could do is continue to wander tiredly, holding onto hope that he might have a chance to find an exit when in fact, no such exit existed.

Tears pushed forward and Yong Guk wiped away ones that managed to slip from his eyes.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

His chest burned as the words left his throat in raspy whispers. For two years he had lived with this pain and he hoped with all his heart that his days would get better because that’s what people said.

He foolishly believed it at first but then he realized what reality held.

It wasn’t true that everything gets better with time, it only gets worst.

He didn’t know how to deal with the pain. And that night, Yong Guk cried and cried until his throat sored. He cried until he depleted all of his energy and until his eyes were swollen to the point he couldn’t keep them open anymore.

He cried for her.