The next morning when Jinki woke up, he found himself hugging a pillow in place of Kibum’s warm body and briefly wondered if the younger had decided to go to work after all. It probably isn’t the busiest week in the office yet, but Kibum is the sort who always had too much on his plate – thanks to his wonderful capabilities – and Jinki wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t been able to take the day off after all.

Swinging his legs off the side of the bed, he sat at the edge with his eyes closed and hand rubbing his nape, not quite fully awake.

“Morning, sunshine~ Did you sleep well?” Jinki looked up at the greeting to see his boyfriend leaning against the door frame with a sweet smile. Contrary to his jovial voice, however, Kibum didn’t look all too good. In fact, it seemed as if he hasn’t slept a wink all night; his blond hair was all mussed up and there were faint shadows beneath his tired eyes.

“Yes I did, but I can’t say the same for you Bummie. What happened to you?” He stood up in mild shock, all sleepiness fading away as he approached the younger male.

“Had some work to do, but I have them settled so all’s good now. I’ve already called in sick for you, and now we have all day. Just the two of us.” Kibum wrapped his arms around Jinki’s waist when he came close enough and nuzzled his head to the older’s neck. “Just let me hug you for a bit and I’ll be good to go. Hmm…” He hummed contentedly.

It struck Jinki that Kibum had probably stayed up all night to finish his work just so he could have the day off to tend to him and his silly episode, and he immediately felt guilty at that realization. He always seemed to be such a hindrance to his boyfriend, be it to his job or just their everyday life in general. It was awful.

“Bummie, you really didn’t have–” He was cut off alruptly by a soft peck to his lips.

“Not another word, love. I thought we could really use a break anyway, we’ve both been so busy...” Kibum let his head fall back to resting on Jinki’s shoulder, shutting his eyes briefly and starting to rock their bodies side to side in a slightly awkward manner.

“Have I told you that you’re wonderful?” Jinki gave in, exhaling blissfully and letting himself relax into his boyfriend’s arms. Kibum’s scent was mild and comforting to his senses; he could really stand here and just breathe him all day, as psychotic as that sounded.

The blond giggled at his cheesiness. “Come on, let’s freshen up and have breakfast.”

It has been about eight months since Jinki moved into the apartment together with Kibum, and on the days that both of them didn’t have to go to work – mostly just Sundays, since Jinki worked all weekdays and Kibum was often called back for some reason or other on Saturdays – they would stay cuddled in bed until they felt like getting up, and then they would either go out for breakfast or make their own depending on their mood.

It was one of those days when they chose to stay in. They made breakfast together, standing side by side in the small kitchen, beating eggs and tending to a boiling pot. They discussed topics like what’s showing at the theatres, and which restaurant just opened that they should try out, all cheeky grins and loving glances at each other. It was just like any other stay-in Sunday morning, almost enough for Kibum to forget that there was a problem they have yet to address.

“How’s your finger?” Jinki asked when they were lazing together on the couch after breakfast, watching some random programme on TV with their legs and fingers tangled together. He was playing with Kibum’s hands, lightly tracing along the band aid that was put on the cut wound from yesterday.

“It’s just a tiny cut, it didn’t even really hurt.” The blond chuckled a little at the look of guilt on his boyfriend’s face. “Stop being so worried baby, it’s fine I swear.”

“I’m sorry.”  Jinki intertwined their fingers again, laying his head onto Kibum’s shoulder and the younger sighed.

“How can you be so gentle to me, but so harsh to yourself? Just like you get worried at a small cut on my finger, don’t you know it hurts me as well to see you hurt, hmm?” The blond turned his head just so he could bury his nose in the older’s hair.

Kibum tried to look down when Jinki didn’t answer, only to see a faraway look in his eyes. He knew that look; Jinki always had that look whenever he recalled something particularly unpleasant that had happened.

“What’s wrong, baby? Tell me.” He asked gently.

“I met my aunt yesterday.”  The older male said in a small voice, and Kibum’s eyes widened slightly. Jinki’s aunt is bad news. He had only had the misfortune of meeting the woman a few times and he never liked her one bit. She was arrogant, full of snide remarks, and just an all-around distasteful person.

“I saw her when I was coming home after work. She asked how I was doing, about the job and the house. She asked if I was still on my meds. She asked about you. She didn’t say anything outright but I know she thinks I’m trash, Kibum. I could see it in her eyes. She’s mocking me that I am just an average office employee, unable to afford my own house or car. She thinks I’m a looney who might try to kill myself again any time.” Jinki ranted, voice getting louder and more agitated with each sentence, his grip on the sleeve of Kibum’s oversized shirt tight like an iron vice.

“And you know what, Bummie? I think she’s right because look what I did. The first thing I did when I came home was sit in front of the desk, holding the damned cutter and thinking about taking another slash to the arm! After all these time… After all these time I still haven’t gotten any better…” Kibum’s heart clenched when his boyfriend’s voice broke at the end of the sentence.

Jinki pushed against his side as if he was trying to disappear between him and the couch, and Kibum had to gently pry him away so he could take a good look at his face. Oh, how he hated it when Jinki got like this. It was so different from his happier self; the one who radiated the warmth of a thousand suns with just one smile, the one whose smooth voice alone calmed him when his day did not go well, the one Kibum fed off of to stay afloat himself.  

“Don’t cry, love… I know you’re trying your hardest.”

He loved his boyfriend all the same; all of his scars, his brokenness, the good days and the bad but it still breaks his heart when the older is being so hard on himself and there is absolutely nothing he can do to make Jinki believe he’s good enough. And this is where Kibum always feels defeated. He can protect Jinki from the judging eyes and unkind remarks from the entire world, but he can’t protect Jinki from himself.

“Baby, do you remember that night when we had to take you to the hospital?” Jinki had settled to rest on Kibum’s chest while the younger put an arm around him, his thumb caressing a spot on Jinki’s shoulder out of habit.

“Do you remember how you felt then?” The blond asked when he felt a nod.

“I was… tired. So tired of living like I was dead but I hadn’t really wanted to die, you know? I just wanted to feel better, but I cut too deep and too close to the veins by accident and the blood just kept coming, it kept flowing out like the tears that wouldn’t and I wanted to stop it but it hurt too much and the blood was everywhere. I was scared, so scared because I wasn’t ready to die, Kibum. I hadn’t meant for that to happen…” There was a tight frown on the older’s face as he recounted that night, almost a year ago, when everything came crashing down. His right hand was subconsciously the deep scar on his left arm, just above his wrist.

Even though that scar had long since scabbed over and healed fully, the scars in Jinki’s heart have never healed and are still too easily ripped open by insensitive and careless words spoken thoughtlessly by others.  

“I was scared too.” Kibum said softly, watching as his boyfriend’s eyes turned towards him with a look of surprise. He’d never admitted these thoughts openly; having always tried to be strong for Jinki so that the older knew he could fall back on him. But the truth of the matter was that he had been so scared and had cried so much by Jinki’s hospital bedside when he was out cold from the drugs that night.

“I sat with you that night, thinking what if I had lost you? What if Taemin hadn’t known to call me and you were found only hours later? You could’ve bled to death right there on your bedroom floor. I was so scared,” Kibum’s voice fell softer and softer until it was but a whisper. He wound his arms around his boyfriend, holding him tighter and closer at the memory, “I wasn’t ready to lose you.”

----

“Kibum-hyung! Did you happen to be with Jinki-hyung earlier on?” Taemin’s voice came from the other end of the line, sounding rather distressed.

“No, Jinki had something on so we didn’t see each other. What is it, Taemin-ah?” Kibum was starting to get a bit worried himself. He had never heard Taemin sound so anxious before, and with Jinki… Well, anything could happen.

“Hyung came back home a while ago looking really upset. He didn’t say anything and just went straight to his room and locked it! He wouldn’t answer to anything I say and I’m really worried about him. Can you come over and talk to him or something?”

Kibum had already thrown on his coat and was halfway out the door by the time Taemin finished. He was pretty sure Taemin knew nothing of his cousin’s… issue, and that tells him a lot about how bad a state Jinki was in when he got home. He thought back to the conversation he just had with the older male not even an hour ago.

Jinki had apparently went to meet some friends – Kibum didn’t ask who because he doesn’t feel the need to know every detail about his boyfriend’s life – and he could sense that his boyfriend didn’t seem to be in such a good mood as they texted over Kakao after.

He had been trying to coax it out of the older indirectly; asking him little things about his day, his appointment with his friends and so on. When all that rendered him were vague, non-committal answers, Kibum came right out and asked him what was wrong because the last thing he wanted was for Jinki to brood over things on his own, but the older wasn’t being helpful in the least.

“Baby, stop changing the subject; tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t have anything to say though.”

“Why are you being so resistant? You’re obviously not ok and I want to hear about it but you don’t want to tell me and it’s annoying.”

“So you should stop asking. It’s annoying to me too.”

They pinged back and forth with Kibum getting increasingly frustrated and no sign of Jinki caving, but that last text was like a stab at the younger male’s heart.

“I… I just thought you’d feel better if you talked about it with me.”

He sent the text and waited, wanting to hear his boyfriend’s side of the story, why he was being so particularly closed off today. There had to be something, he thought they were long past the push and pull of getting the older to open up by now. Yet, nothing came and he decided not to push it because he knew Jinki hated that.

Kibum bolted all the way to Jinki’s place, not even slowing down even when his lungs burned for air. His boyfriend didn’t stay far from the university, probably a 15-minute walk, but it was still a bit of a challenge for Kibum who was never the most athletically inclined and especially since it was cold outside.

He found Taemin pacing by the threshold of his house who was alerted immediately when he saw the blond coming up his doorstep.

“Kibum-hyung, you’re here, oh my god! I heard some sniffing and hissing sounds in the room but it suddenly went all quiet and he still wouldn’t answer me. I don’t know what to do!”

That didn’t sound good, at all. He recalled their conversation again and images of the numerous scars on Jinki’s arms flashed across his mind.

“! Search for spare keys to his room Taemin-ah, call your parents to ask or something. Do it quick!” Kibum hastily commanded the younger boy as he turned and took the stairs two at a time, furiously praying in his heart that Jinki was alright and had just fallen asleep.

“Jinki? Jinki, baby are you there? Answer me if you hear me please, babe!” Kibum pounded on the wooden door and rattled the door knob relentlessly, hoping it would somehow miraculously give.

“Jinki?!” He pressed his ears to the door when there was no response, but could hear no sign of movements in the room. , he muttered under his breath. This cannot be good.

Kibum briefly considered trying to break the door, but it was pretty obvious his slim build wasn’t going to do anything to the solid wooden door.

“Taemin, please hurry!”  

The younger boy ran up the stairs with a bunch of keys in his hands shortly after, and it took him a couple of tries before finding the right one for Jinki’s room. When the door finally opened, however, Kibum almost wished it hadn’t.

“Call 119.” He breathed the words out so quietly, he would have thought Taemin missed it, seeing as how he was just standing there, frozen. But he knew that the younger was just as shocked as he was at the sight before them.

All the blood.

“Taemin, 119. Now.” Kibum said it more firmly as he touched the younger’s shoulder, pulling him out of his trance and he ran off for the phone immediately.

Jinki was sitting on the floor, his back against his bed but head lolled to the side, a pool of blood still spreading on his left side. He was unconscious, but still breathing. The dark scarlet colour stood out starkly against the white tiles of the floor and it made Kibum feel sick. He couldn’t hear anything other than the sound of his own heart pounding in his ears.

Bracing himself, he marched over to the bed and took a pillowcase off, tying it to the deep cut on Jinki’s left arm to staunch the bleeding.

“Jinki, Jinki baby please wake up… Wake up you bastard! You can’t do this to me!” Kibum kept patting the older male’s cheeks harder and harder as he knelt in front of him, not caring that the blood on the floor was seeping into the fabric of his jeans, or the tears that were now running down his face. Jinki’s face was so pale it made the dark circles under his eyes stand out even more than usual.

Kibum examined his boyfriend’s arms to see a lot more cuts that were seeping blood, but none too deep or serious like the one he had just wrapped up.

“… Why did you do this to yourself… Why didn’t you just talk to me…”

He had always known that Jinki had a track record of self-harming; and they’d ended up having an argument the first time Kibum actually saw the scars and tried to talk to him about it. Jinki had been so guarded about his emotions at the beginning that it was easy to give up trying to get him to open up.

Honestly, he couldn’t say that he understood how Jinki feels, how he can get swept into a blanket of sadness all of a sudden without reason, but he tries his best to be there for him so there wouldn’t ever be a reason for him to hurt himself anymore. He did everything he could and had never thought of giving up; quitting was not and never will be an option.

But this – this scene before him, with the blood and an unconscious Jinki on the verge of death – is exactly what Kibum had always feared would happen someday.

----

Jinki lay on the bed, his hands at the back of his head, just staring up at the ceiling and listening to the soft pitter-patter of raindrops against the windowpane.

The couple spent the afternoon quite simply, deciding to have lunch at a small family restaurant that they frequented and was near their apartment. Afterwards, they strolled hand in hand along the streets of their neighborhood rather aimlessly, until they came across a café that appeared to be newly opened.

As fervent café-goers, it was not up to Jinki to deny his boyfriend of patronizing the new but cozy looking place, wafting with the smell of coffee grounds and soft music from local indie bands playing in the background. Besides, he loved nothing more than to see the excited sparkle in the blond’s eyes when he discovered the little shop.

They sat in a corner of the warm shop, nursing a cup of coffee each and talking about whatever is new at work and every mundane little thing that crossed their minds, even reliving memories of their university days when they spent a considerable amount of their time outside of school together in different cafés, just talking. Kibum was just saying how they should visit his parents soon and how they would love to have them both over for dinner one of these days when the sky started getting dark and they agreed it was time to go home.

Thunder rumbled low in the distance when they exited the shop and without warning, rain started pouring down on them. Kibum shrieked at the cold and wet drops hitting him continuously, which made Jinki burst out laughing. They took each other’s hands again, laughing as they raced all the way back home.

The blond had gotten an important call from the office only shortly after they got home, and so had no choice but to retreat to his work room for a while to settle whatever the emergency was. Jinki really didn’t mind though, he already felt so much better having spent the whole afternoon with his boyfriend, the episode from yesterday seemed so far away now. And he felt he had some thinking to do on his own.

“Jinki, I know that it isn’t going to be easy, but you need to stop letting people like your aunt get to you. Your self-worth was never measured by what your aunt and uncle, or some friend from high school think of you; they don’t even know you. What’s inside here,” Kibum looked at him with an expression that was so desperate for him to understand, and he placed his hand over the left side of Jinki’s chest, over his heart.

“They don’t know. What’s inside here is a kind, brave, strong, and beautiful soul. Damaged, but beautiful all the same. You’re not worthless, or weird, or a failure like all the years of insult and people not understanding your heart made you believe. If only…” Kibum paused, leaning over and placing a light kiss atop his head, “If only you could see how I see you.”

Jinki vaguely remembers a time when he wasn’t like this.

There was a time when he had been passionate too; about learning, about music, about life. He cared about completing his homework on time, about punctuality, and about his friends and family. He was the kind of sociable who could start a conversation with strangers, played in a sports team – although not exceedingly well, that he had to admit – and people always used to tell him what a funny person he is. His behavior at school had been no short of exemplary too, never missing a day unless he was sick to the point of being bedridden and he had always had outstanding grades because he believed in working hard. He was even the class chairman from his second year of middle school up to the year after his parents’ passing.

Sometimes when he looked back on all of that, he wondered how he could even be the same person.

He had something, someone, to work hard for then. His parents, although holding only humble jobs that barely brought enough food to the table, always gave Jinki everything he wanted. He had really only ever asked for one thing though, and that was piano lessons. That was how he came to love music. He did his best in school so that he could make his parents proud. They never had much, but they were the most loving and happy family ever.

Everything changed after his parents died. Jinki felt like he had been pushed off-balance as the core of his life was taken away overnight and he was shoved into a place where he obviously did not belong. The frequent insults and sarcasm from his aunt and uncle made him miserable, but there was nothing he could do except for bearing with it until he had the ability to move out. Day by day, he felt himself dying a little more emotionally, hardening his heart so he could stop feeling. He still felt too much, still hurt too much and cried too much until there were no more tears left to cry whenever he thought about how bleak his whole life seemed.

Jinki had hoped that at some point, things would get better. Maybe going to university and meeting new people would give him something to hold on to; a subject he loved maybe, or someone who could connect with him, anything. But of course, things have never played out the way he wanted them to. He had wanted to take a major in music, or maybe something in linguistics, but his uncle thought those as silly and unprofitable courses which would be a waste of time and money and since it was his money, he had the final say in what Jinki was to study. Which was why he ended up a Business major, but having no passion whatsoever for numbers and economics, it was like pure torture and he allowed himself to give up.

He did make some friends, but he likes to refer to them as lecture mates since he wouldn’t want to spend time with them outside of classes. It’s not that he doesn’t like them; they were all nice people, but he just preferred being alone. He was so tired of seeing that look of pity on people’s faces whenever they asked about his parents and he gave them the answer, the look of surprise on his old friends’ faces when they heard that he hadn’t managed to graduate as planned and had to take another year. They would ask him what happened – well, on hindsight there was nothing wrong with them asking, Jinki did use to be a brilliant student after all – and he had to laugh and pretend it doesn’t get to him because he didn’t want them asking more questions that he had no intention of explaining. He didn’t want them to know that he’s become so broken and there’s no way of fixing him. Nobody would understand.

Jinki wasn’t sure from exactly which point on did he start to become apathetic to everything, but it seemed like when you give up on one aspect of life, the rest just follow and before you realize, you find that you’ve given up on everything.

For so many years, he became more withdrawn and detached to everything and everyone that once mattered to him. He looked to methods of self-destruction; too much coffee, too little sleep, there was even a time before he started cutting that he had had a temporary fixation with alcohol, trying to drink himself into oblivion each night but never actually working. But he was destroying himself too slowly to his liking, so he wished freak accidents and terminal illness upon himself, anything to end this pointless struggle. Yet he remained unscathed and alive. Healthy even. And to him, that is the cruelest thing the world can conspire against him.

That was why he had been so unpleasant when he first met Kibum. It was just the way he had learnt to be, having only himself to rely on over the years, and he simply had no wish to make friends with anymore people who he was sure, would not understand his struggles. It was pointless, everything was pointless to him.

Though as it happened, things turned out quite differently, which he was both glad and sorry for. Kibum had changed his life in ways that he had only ever dared to imagine, and there was not a day that goes by when he didn’t think about how he did not deserve to have this wonderful man.

He thought about what the younger had said about being so afraid of losing him to his cutting and it made him feel selfish and stupid. He had always been so consumed by his own pain and while he knew that his issues would hurt his boyfriend – which was why he had never wanted them to be together in the first place – but he never knew just how.

It was not the possibility of Kibum getting sick of his problems or the matter of him becoming a burden in his life, it was about how Kibum needed him. As a person, and as a boyfriend, Kibum needed him to be okay. Be alive. Be there for him too.

“Hey.” Jinki came to the end of memory lane at his boyfriend’s voice by the door. “I swear these people at work will never survive without me; they have to call me for the littlest things like what would go well with a neon peplum top?”  The younger male was walking into the room, going over to the desk and dropping his phone on it, looking rather disbelieving.

“That’s good, because it means you’ll never lose the job and we’ll always be able to afford this beautiful house.” Jinki smiled cheekily.

Kibum was about to turn to him and probably roll his eyes, but he kicked the corner of the desk by accident and was sent flying to the bed quite unceremoniously. Jinki’s arms shot out from under his head in an instant to catch him, and the younger landed nicely in his embrace.

“Whoa, easy there superman.” He chuckled.

“Ow, I think your clumsiness is starting to rub off on me a bit, babe.” Kibum pulled back from the hug and found his face only inches from the older male’s. So he did what was only natural, leaning down to close the gap between them and kissed him.

Their lips molded together in a perfect fit, Kibum massaging and on Jinki’s plump bottom lip firmly and tenderly with his own and the older male kissed back with the same fervor, his hand moving up to the Kibum’s nape to hold him closer. When they parted for air, the younger was smiling at him almost shyly, his lips red and slightly swollen which Jinki knew must mirror his own.

He couldn’t help the warm feeling that flooded through him when he looked into those eyes that held so much adoration for him in this moment.

“Also, I ordered takeout for dinner,” Kibum stole another peck to his lips and said with a knowing smile, “Your favourite.”

“Aww, come here and let me kiss you forever Kibummieeee~” Jinki sing-songed and pressed their foreheads together, rubbing noses and hearing sweet giggles spill out from his boyfriend’s lips at his silliness.

“Lie with me?” He said when he stopped, opening one arm as Kibum climbed into bed without hesitation.

“What were you thinking so hard about? I saw you staring quite intensely at the ceiling.” The younger asked once he was comfortably settled in, lying on Jinki’s arm all cuddled up to his side and playing with the hem of his shirt.

Jinki looked at his boyfriend, giving him a small half-hearted smile and snuggling closer to him like a child seeking comfort. He might as well be honest now that he had made a decision.

“Well, the past. I was thinking about how my life used to be before my parents’ accident and how I seemed to have lost control of my whole life since. Everything became such a struggle, so joyless, so painful, and then I thought about you.”

“Me? What about me?” The blond tilted his head up and looked at him with wide eyes, clearly not expecting that to be part of the answer.  

“About how you have always been here, and have never given up on me. And so I’ve been thinking… that maybe I needed some fixing.” Jinki saw how Kibum scrambled to turn to lie on his stomach so he could see his expression properly.

“You mean…” The blond said slowly, as if not quite daring to believe that they are thinking the same thing.

“That I’m going to go for therapy, yes. I thought about what you said and I think that after everything you’ve done for me, I should try to do this. For us.” Jinki smiled weakly. Even if he had made this decision, he still felt a bit scared. He hoped that he was not a lost cause, that he is still fixable even after so long.

“You’re sure? Baby you don’t have to force yourself if you feel uncomfortable ab–”

“I’m sure, Bummie. It’s about time I made things right, don’t you think?” He said, reaching for one of Kibum’s hands and treading their fingers together.

“Thank you,” The younger male gave their joined hands a squeeze. “Thank you for trying.”

Kibum brought his other hand to the side of Jinki’s face, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. They just lay there staring into each other’s eyes while Kibum’s thumb caressed the apple of his cheek lovingly.

“I’m going to get better, and I’ll work really hard and earn enough money to buy us a big house and a car too.” Jinki said determinedly, smiling at that vision.

“Baby we don’t need any of that, this house is beautiful like you said, and big enough for the two of us. And I’m fine with taking the subway too, the traffic here is terrible.” Kibum chuckled, but he too felt thrilled thinking about such a future with Jinki, where he would be always happy. It was a very comforting thought.

“But surely you would like being driven to and from work by your boyfriend?” The older male challenged with raised eyebrows.

Kibum shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, you can always take the subway to my office and wait for me to get off work too. It’s quite nearly the same thing.”

“Oh, you… Come over here!” Jinki pulled his hand away, flipping them over so he was on top and started to poke Kibum’s sides repeatedly. The blond, who is ticklish as heck, squealed and squirmed this way and that, trying to get away but was fully pinned down by his boyfriend’s weight. He was panting hard by the time Jinki finally stopped, and he looked up to see a dazzling eye smile that makes his insides turn into a bunch of raging butterflies and is just one of the many things he loved about his boyfriend.

“I love you, Kibum.” Jinki whispered, leaning down and the younger male let his eyes slip shut as he anticipated the contact of their lips.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

“Chicken!” In just a split second, Jinki had jumped up from the bed and ran out of the room to get the door and Kibum was sure it would be justified for him to roll his eyes now.

“Yah! Get back here and kiss me properly you chicken maniac!”

A.N.: I'm sorry this ended up so long (hopefully not boring), I have a really bad habit of taking an idea and running completely off with it. It's back in present time and Jinki is finally willing to get help! Man, I wished I had Kibum too.

Oh yes, and thank you MissLocket for upvoting!

Comments are greatly appreciated! :) 

xoxo.