Kibum had been so distracted and frustrated all night, hastily escaping after dinner and staking out in his work room, trying but failing to produce the article he had been lusting after on the recent Seoul Fashion Week. Finally, he accepted that he wasn’t going to be able to come up with anything substantial tonight and retired to bed, which was just as pointless since he knew he wouldn’t be able to go to sleep without Jinki by his side.

Not when the older wasn’t feeling okay, anyway.

Kibum knows that he shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be kind of ignoring his boyfriend after finding him intending – attempting, contemplating, whichever – to hurt himself again. Jinki had managed to keep his record clean for quite a few months now, and the fact that he was thinking about doing it again today, close enough to hold a cutter in his hand, must mean that something really bad had happened to provoke him.

He knows that he should be holding his boyfriend and asking him what’s wrong instead of tossing around in bed alone like this and leaving Jinki alone with his demons. Somehow, he can’t find it in himself to do so. Not right now, at least.

Turning again to face the wall, he sighed soundlessly. It’s not like he is mad at Jinki – okay, he is, just a little, and a tad disappointed too – but he is infinitely more worried and above all, scared. What if he had gotten home just a few minutes later, would he have returned to the same scene from all those months ago? What if he actually lost Jinki today? That thought alone had frightened him so much and he didn’t want all the wrong words to come out if he were to pursue the matter right when both of their emotions were running high. It wasn’t that he wanted to make Jinki feel worse, but he just… couldn’t deal.

He can’t shake the immense fear that had crept up on him when he walked into the room after work only to see Jinki holding the box cutter with its blade pulled out fully. His fingers had turned numb in an instant and his heart felt like it was wrapped under layers of ice.

Memories of that fateful night came rushing back, the image of Jinki lying in a puddle of his own blood permanently branded into his mind. That night when it had felt like his whole world was slipping right past his fingertips and there was nothing he could do to help, Kibum had vowed that he would never let it happen a second time. He had vowed to protect Jinki with everything he had and to make things right.  

Despite that, there are still moments when he would question himself if it would ever be okay, be enough. Kim Kibum is not almighty, even if he may seem very much like it a lot of the time, and he can’t be strong and positive every moment of every day. He knows that he shouldn’t have acted like such a jerk earlier, but he had felt hurt and upset that despite all the efforts they have both put in to try and make things better, Jinki is still so irrevocably broken in some ways that even he does not know how to fix.

But no matter how difficult things can get sometimes, Kibum loved Jinki too much to give up.

----

They’ve talked about this only too many times in passing. It’s been awhile since they started having this strange on-again, off-again thing going on between them that is more than friendship, but not quite a relationship. The only reason being it still doesn’t seem like Jinki was about to stop trying to push him away.

It always went down the same way. Something would happen at home, or Jinki would just be caught in one of his moods and he would try to break things off with Kibum, always quoting a bunch of reasons, none of which are particularly convincing or even really made sense. But Kibum understood the older well enough by now to know the real reason behind all of that.

Jinki thought he was a mess; worthless and undeserving of being loved. He didn’t want to open up all the way to someone only to have them leave him in the end.

Kibum hadn’t expected it in the least; the topic just came completely out of the blue, hitting him right in the chest. Jinki hasn’t been feeling well today and hadn’t wanted to go home after classes either, so Kibum had brought him back to his own dorm room for a rest while he worked on his essay.

“Kibum.” The older male uttered his name from the bed where he was lying in. His eyebrows quirked upwards as he hummed questioningly, not looking up from his work.

“How long more do you think you can take this?” Jinki asked, his voice quiet even when the only sound in the room was the soft tapping of Kibum’s fingers on the keyboard.

“What are you talking about? Take what?” The blond was still looking at his essay, trying to summon the word that is on the tip of his tongue but seems to have slipped his mind.

“Let’s… let’s just end things here, okay?”

Kibum tore his eyes away from his laptop screen before the last syllable even ended, trying to see if his not-boyfriend was being funny. His gaze was met with a pair of earnest and pained brown eyes that are void of humour. Of course, because since when was Jinki ever joking when broaching this subject?

“No.” There was a brief pause before he could bring himself to answer in as firm a manner as he could manage. Regardless of how many times Jinki had tried to do this already, it still never fails to make his heart stop or his stomach fall.

“I know exactly what you want to say, Jinki, but no.” He quickly added before the older male could start on his non-reasons for asking for the break up.

“Why are you so stubborn, Kibum? Why wouldn’t you let go? It’ll be better if you just gave up on me, you know that. Why are you holding on so tightly?” Jinki pushed himself into an upright position, his face looking almost perplexed and that somehow rubs Kibum the wrong way because he’s 24 years old for god’s sake. He believes he knows how to discern what is good or bad for him well enough.

“Why are you so stubborn, Jinki? Why do you keep trying to break up with me? Is it going to be better for you or for me? The only thing I know is how I feel about you and I know you feel the same; we’re great together so why the hell would it be better if I left you!” He turned his swivel chair to face the bed and said a bit harsher than he’d meant to.

“I’m just trying to protect you!” The older male raised his voice, moved to anger himself now.

“From what?!”

There was a tensed moment of silence as the pair continued to stare at each other, all sorts of emotions fleeting across their eyes, begging to surface.

“You don’t need this, Kibum. You shouldn’t have to need to constantly worry over me, or deal with all of my stupid drama. You don’t need me to tarnish your brightness. I will ruin you, I will wear you down, and you don’t need any of it. Why do you insist on making your own life so difficult?” Jinki looked away first, letting his gaze fall to the sheets, shoulders slumping slightly and Kibum felt his stance soften immediately.

He walked the two steps to his bed and sat down beside Jinki, taking the older male’s slightly chubby hand into his own.

“Jinki, please… Stop pushing me away.” He said, lacing their fingers together and giving it a little squeeze. That was when he noticed the band aid on Jinki’s left arm, peeking out from under the rolled-up sleeves of the long sleeved shirt the older male was wearing.

Kibum couldn’t help the sharp intake of breath when he reached out to pull the sleeve further back and saw a few more of the skin-coloured bandage plastered to Jinki’s pale skin. He had seen some of the scars on the older male’s arms before but had chosen to not pursue it after the first time because they were mostly healed and indicative that they weren’t recent wounds. He’s sure Jinki hasn’t cut since they have gotten closer all those months ago! Or so he thought.

“Why, Jinki? What happened?” Kibum asked with worry etched into his features as he held the side of Jinki’s wounded arm gently, as if afraid of injuring it further.

“Nothing, it’s not a big deal.” The older male said emotionlessly, shifting his arm out of Kibum’s hands and pulling the sleeve back down.

“What do you mean it’s not a big deal? It has to be a big deal if it made you do this to yourself! Talk to me please, Jinki, don’t shut me out. I’m sure we can work things out together.” He grabbed Jinki’s shoulders a little tighter than necessary, wanting to get the other to look at him.

And Jinki did. Jinki turned back and looked Kibum right in the eyes, and in that moment he looked so helpless; lost even.  

“I told you, it’s nothing! Sometimes I’m sad but I can’t tell anyone because people always want to know why I’m sad or what I’m sad about but I have no answers to any of that, I just know that I am. There are no Whys or Whats to my sadness, and I know it’s hard to understand so I’m not asking for you to understand it, I’m only asking for you to accept it.

“I don’t need you to fix me, Kibum. Don’t try to fix me.”

Kibum felt that familiar twist in his heart, every time Jinki said things like that so easily like he doesn’t even know how much it can hurt him. He held the older male’s hand with both of his, trying to entwine their fingers together, and in a last-ditch effort of desperation he said those three words to Jinki for the very first time.

“I love you.”

Jinki looked away pointedly, slowly untangling their fingers, as he whispered into the air,

“You deserve better.”

As he got up to leave the room, Kibum was so sure he saw tears glistening in the corners of the other male’s eyes, and he understood then that Jinki wasn’t just fighting him. He was fighting himself. And saying those words had hurt him as much as they do the younger.

Something had happened that Jinki wasn’t telling him about, something that had set his self-loathing and fear on high. As usual, Kibum didn't know what to do, except be there.

“I don’t need you to fix me, Kibum. Don’t try to fix me.”  

Somehow, what Jinki had said was starting to give him a new perspective of things, one which had never occurred to him before. The older male had never called out for help maybe because he didn’t think he needed help. Hurting himself was his way of dealing with pain, albeit a very unhealthy and twisted one, and perhaps more than trying to find out the reason, Kibum should just stay and face with him the weight of his powerlessness.

He’ll come around when he feels better, Kibum thought, He always does.

So he let him go, for now.

Until the day that Jinki finally trusts that Kibum isn’t going to just up and leave him one day, that his feelings are sincere and true and opens up willingly, Kibum supposes he could tolerate not knowing. He could wait.

And so he shall, because Kim Kibum refuses to give up.  

----

The sound of soft footsteps padding into their shared bedroom pulled Kibum out of his thoughts. He shut his eyes immediately, pretending to be asleep.

“Kibum…? Are you asleep?” He heard his boyfriend ask quietly, and then felt the dip on the other side of the mattress. The blond kept still, not answering.

“Bummie, I’m really sorry… Don’t be mad anymore when you wake up, please? I won’t… I won’t do it again…” Jinki’s timid voice made him squeeze his eyes shut tighter, feeling guilt mounting slightly in his chest. Still, he remained unresponsive simply because he didn’t feel like he had the strength to hold Jinki together now when he could barely even hold himself together.

For a while, only the sound of their uneven breathing filled the air, and it was obvious that neither of them were asleep. Kibum was about to actually try and get some sleep when he heard – and felt – the first signs of the other crying.

The bed wasn’t small by any means, even for two fully grown males, but Kibum could still hear the muffled sniffles clearly. He could feel the slight tremors of the mattress from the older male’s shaking body, and all that was enough for him to shoot up and look to Jinki’s side of the bed.

The sight broke his heart.

His boyfriend was lying on the far end, back turned to him and curled up with his knees tucked to his chest. He didn’t cover any part of himself with the blanket even though Kibum had made sure to leave half of it out for him. The blond didn’t even need to look to know that Jinki was trying to keep the sound of his sobs down with his hands, and that made his nose sour.

“Oh Jinki baby… Why are you crying? Are you hurting somewhere?” Scooting closer, Kibum put an arm around his boyfriend’s middle, all thoughts of being upset going right out the window because all he felt in the moment was panic. Jinki’s body tensed and a soft gasp left his lips upon the contact, but it was soon overtaken by the sobs that racked through his body once more.

“I-I-I’m sor-sorry, Ki-Kibum-ah… Please d-d-don’t ign-ignore me any-anymore…” Jinki choked out the words with great difficulty as he turned around and hid his face in the front of the younger’s shirt, leaving Kibum shocked. He was crying so hard he couldn’t even breathe properly and his hold around Kibum was so tight that the blond instinctively began to rub his back soothingly; his other hand tangling itself in the older’s soft brown hair.

They lay in each other’s embrace, neither one of them saying anything until Jinki had significantly calmed down. He peeked out from behind Kibum’s shirt only to find the younger already looking at him.

“A-are you still mad at me?” He asked, voice shaky and sounding like he was right on the verge of tears again.

“Baby, I’m… I didn’t ignore you because I was mad, okay?” Kibum said gently, offering a small smile and guiding Jinki’s head to rest on his chest.

He dried the tear stains on the older’s cheeks before continuing. “I’m sorry too; I know I shouldn’t have acted that way. But we have to talk about this, okay? It’s late now and we’re both tired, but I want you to take a day off work tomorrow and I will too. Then we can stay home and work things out, okay?”

“…”

“Okay?” Kibum probed again at the lack of response from his boyfriend, tapping his cheek lightly.

“You shouldn’t, Bummie. You have to work on that article… I’ve been enough of a distraction already. There’s nothing to talk about anyway, it’s silly really…” Jinki’s voice trailed off and he eventually shook his head to suffice for an answer.

“Jinki, please… Nothing is more important to me than you, you got to know this. But you have to talk to me, tell me everything that’s making you sad, so that we can try to move on together. We talked about this. Can you promise me that?” Kibum Jinki’s hair softly, knowing that it soothes him when he did that.

There’s a long pause and he was almost worried that Jinki would try to make up some excuse about how what he feels is unimportant like he likes to do all the time.

“Okay. I promise.”  The younger male broke into a smile when he heard the quiet answer.

“Sleep now, baby. It’s been a long day.” He leaned down and kissed Jinki’s forehead.

A.N.: Here's another chapter, a slight peek into the dynamics of OnKey's relationship from the start. I'm not sure if Jinki's mindset is coming across well but this is really the best I can manage... I might do a small chapter, chapter 2.5 of sorts to talk more about their back story. I hope no one's confused so far, but if you are please let me know!

Anyway, I'm really thankful to everyone who'd subscribed, and taken the time to comment. Also, thank you naadianadeen for having upvoted this story, even though it is lacking in so many ways. I'm still working hard on this everyday :) 

xoxo.