A.N.: This would be chapter 2.5, a.k.a Onkey's back story. Thus, it would be useful to note that everything took place in the past, when they were both in university.

They met in the Spring of their final year of university.  

Kibum had recently found a good place to study that seemed less crowded than the other parts of school.

While it is true that his campus was anything but small, the university just has so many students that it can feel congested at times. It gets even worse when some major exam is approaching and everyone is competing for space like there is no other place in Seoul where you can study. Of course, Kibum always has his dorm room to retreat to, but that is really the last resort because how can anyone honestly expect him to focus on his work when there is a bed right beside him?

It was purely by chance that he had stumbled upon the study area on the 4^th floor of the Business block, since he hardly had any classes there, being a Communications major.

Today, though, Kibum appeared to be out of luck. The individual tables were all taken up which meant he would have to share one of the long wooden ones. It’s not like it mattered to him, really. He was so swarmed with work – essays, projects, and whatnot – lately that he just needed a place to do them in peace.

“Hi, is this seat occupied?” After a quick scan, he approached a boy in a grey hoodie with ruffled brown hair who is sitting at one end of the long table, bent over and writing in a book.

Kibum had been coming here long enough to sort of know this boy, not that they have ever spoken with each other, but Kibum would almost always find him already seated by the time he came by after classes. He would always be sitting at the same end of the same table with his earphones plugged into his ears, most of the time he could be seen writing in a notebook with a black cover, and other times he would be using his laptop or doing some work. 

Not that Kibum was creeping on a stranger; he just liked to observe the people around when he took breaks from his own work.

The boy, finally realizing that someone was standing by him, looked up, and that was the first time Kibum got to take a good look at his face. He looked just a bit older; had small, monolid eyes, a very slightly hooked nose and rather chubby cheeks. He also looked tired, dark circles noticeable against his pale skin.

He took one side of the earphones out from his right ear and raised his eyebrows questioningly, to which Kibum politely reinstated his question, figuring that the boy didn’t hear him the first time round.

The boy just shook his head very slightly in response, the corners of his lips lifted in a ghost of a smile.

“Thanks.” Kibum smiled back gratefully and sat down as the boy turned back to his writing and replaced his earphone.

He had been going at his essay for some time now, while simultaneously having a group chat with his project group mates over Kakao Talk about the report they had to submit at the end of the week, and taking inconspicuous glances at the boy sitting beside him every now and then. Not that he was interested or anything, but because he got stuck on his assignment, and so he was just observing people like he always does until some inspiration hits. The boy had put away his writing – in the little notebook with the black cover – some time ago and was now frowning over some notes that had a lot of words, tables and diagrams on it.

There was a succession of vibrations then, and Kibum quickly grabbed his phone off the table top not wanting to disturb the boy, thinking it must be his group mates again. However, the notification bar was empty when he pressed on the home button of his phone.

“I’m still in school. Hmm, is that so? Alright I’m coming home now then. See you later, Taem.” Kibum heard a velvety voice say before realizing that it belonged to the boy sitting beside him.

Apparently it was his phone that had vibrated with an incoming call. The boy proceeded to quickly pack his things after hanging up, shoving them all into his backpack and leaving without looking back.

If he did, he might have seen the black notebook that had fallen out of his bag in his hurry to leave.

Kibum was sure this is the first time the boy with the ruffled brown hair – his name is Jinki, and he’s a year older, as he’d learnt from reading the black notebook – actually paid him any notice, because here he is looking back at Kibum after being tapped on the shoulder, his eyebrows raised in that same questioning way, and there is not an ounce of recognition in his tired eyes.

“Hi, my name’s Kim Kibum.” So the blond sat down beside him, all the while facing Jinki who was now eyeing him rather curiously. He smiled a little sheepishly as he pulled the black notebook from his backpack.

“I kept it because I thought you wouldn’t want it to be lost, or read by anyone…” Kibum said, trying not to let his guilt of having read it without its owner’s permission show.

The reaction was instantaneous.

“Where did you get this?” The moment Jinki’s gaze landed on the black notebook in Kibum’s hands, his eyes went wide and he snatched it back quite rudely, startling the blond a bit.

“Well… I sat here, next to you, yesterday and the book fell out of your bag when you were leaving but you were in such a hurry–”

“You read it, didn’t you?” There was a definite edge in Jinki’s voice and a hard look in his narrowed eyes that Kibum had to resist the urge to flinch.

“Well, yes… I’m–”

“I can see it in your eyes, you know. Don’t look at me in that way, I don’t need your pity.” Jinki cut him off again mid-sentence and spat coldly. He began to pack his things, this time making sure that everything stayed in before he zipped his backpack up.

“Uhm… I’m not… pitying–” Kibum was cut off this time when Jinki stood up, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and ready to leave. He could tell they were beginning to gather the attention of what few students there are in the study area with their exchange, and he quickly followed after the other boy, feeling a bit nettled that he was being treated so impolitely when he was the one who had found and returned Jinki’s stupid notebook! He could have at least said thanks, that man!

Or maybe not. Maybe his infringing on Jinki’s privacy had evened the favour out.

“Wait! Jinki– Jinki-ssi! I’m really sorry I read it but can you at least let me finish talking for once?” Kibum cried out as he walked briskly behind Jinki to keep up with his pace, but nearly crashed into him when the older male stopped abruptly in his tracks and whirled around to face him.

“What do you want?”

Seeing his stoic expression and tone of voice, Kibum’s mind suddenly went blank. What did he want? Did he even want anything? He had only wanted to return the notebook to Jinki, but had been completely thrown off when the said male’s reaction turned out nothing like he had expected. Even so, even before he came running after this guy he is practically strangers with, even as he was reading the notebook under the dim light of his desk lamp last night, he had already decided that he wanted to get to know him. For what, be it pity, curiosity or simply wanting to understand how a 25 year old man can hold so much pain within, Kibum can’t really tell for sure, but yes there is in fact something he wanted.

“I just wanted to say that, you know, if you need someone to talk to on a bad day, I’m always handy.” He tried, backing up a few steps so he could look at the older male with what he hoped was a sincere smile.

Jinki all but scoffed, “And why would I do that? I don’t even know you.”

“Well you don’t now, but you will when we become friends?” Kibum shrugged. He wondered if he was coming off a tad too strong. He’s always been quite sociable, yes, but even this seemed a bit too forced for his standards.

“Look.” The older male standing opposite him sighed wearily. “Don’t think that just because you happened to read that book that it becomes your responsibility to try to help me. Whatever it made you think, I’m not depressed and I’m not about to kill myself, and you don’t have to feel bad even if I did because it’s really none of your business. I’m not interested in forging superficial bonds with somebody that is not good for anything, okay?”

Jinki turned around and started walking away again. This time, Kibum didn’t chase after him.  

----

“Hyung, wait for me! I’m coming over now! I’ve got a little treat for you ;)”

Jinki read the text from Kibum and smiled, shaking his head slightly as he put his phone aside and got back to his accounting. The younger male always seemed to be so full of little surprises up his sleeve – ranging from candies and chocolate, to a picnic on a pleasant day once – it makes him feel bad sometimes because there is so little he could do for Kibum in return. Still, it is not his place to deny them, for he can’t pretend that he doesn’t like it whenever the younger had another one of his ‘treats’ for him.

Not even twenty minutes later, his attention was already spent as he sat at the long wooden table in the study area, spinning his phone and waiting for Kibum to arrive. It was one of those unproductive days when his mind just refused to cooperate, floating and wandering to everywhere but his books.  

“Hello there Mr Jinki, I see you’re slacking off on your books!” A slender body slid into the vacant seat beside him and Jinki looked up to see a head of brilliant blond hair, belonging to none other than Kibum, of course.

“Hello yourself, Mr Kibum. This stuff is so uninteresting and I got bored waiting for you.” He teased and the younger male laughed.

“Well, sorry. My lecture got cancelled and my friends suggested we go hang out at a café that’s in the area, so I took a while coming back. We should go there sometime, their pastries are superb.” Kibum said, leaning over to Jinki’s side to take a look at his work before making a face. “Ooh, I’ve never liked numbers.”

“Me neither.” Jinki gave a defeated shrug and the look on Kibum’s face softened a tiny bit.

“Oh cheer up, I got you something from the café. Surprise!” The blond said and put a small pastry box down on the table. “It’s lemon meringue. I hope you like lemon.”

Jinki opened the box to find the most perfectly baked little tart, slightly browned peaks atop a white bed surrounded by golden crust. He dug in, the sweet and sour tangy taste of lemon bursting in his mouth. It was refreshing, and easily the nicest pastry he’s had in a while. He took the time to savour it, but the tart was still gone all too quickly.

“Now that you’re done, let’s go. I want to take you somewhere.” Kibum bounced in his seat after Jinki’s last mouthful, his excitement somewhat amusing to the older male but who knew better than to disobey.

“Where are we going?” Jinki was struggling to pack all his papers as fast as he could while the other was already ready and waiting for him to go.

“It’s a surprise! I told you I have a treat for you, didn’t I?” The blond reached out and held onto his arm as he was guided through the school’s hallways. Jinki could the warmth coming from the hand that was closed around his bicep, and there was a little lurch in his chest. He took a deep breath and tried to shake the feeling away.

“Wasn’t the meringue it?” He asked, feeling confused as they continued on their way, going to a part of campus that he believes he hasn’t been to. It’s the Performing Arts block, and Jinki as a Business major had, well, no business there usually.

“No, this is.” Kibum announced, bringing them both to a momentary pause in front a door marked ‘Music Room 5’ before pushing the door open and going in.

It was a small room, fully carpeted with not much in it. There is a metal cabinet in the corner of the room, a few stands which people put their music sheets on, a portable audio player, and against the opposite wall stood an upright piano.

“You said you like to play the piano, but don’t have the chance to anymore. So I booked one of the music rooms. You’d be surprised how easy it is. Seems people don’t fancy the smaller rooms much–”

“Kibum.” While the younger had been walking around surveying the room and talking, Jinki had went straight up to the piano, letting his fingers graze the polished hardwood. A surge of emotion took over him, getting ridiculously touched that the younger would actually remember what he’d said.

“Thank you.” He said sincerely, feeling his heart lift at the soft smile that bloomed across Kibum’s face.

“Don’t mention it, hyung. Now go ahead and find that feeling back in your fingers, I can step out for an hour or so–” 

“No, it’s fine. You can stay.” Jinki said hurriedly. He isn’t the kind who is very comfortable with having people look on while he played, but he would feel bad for making Kibum leave. The younger male had already done so much for him.

“Hyung, you have a very bad habit of cutting me off when I speak, did you know that?” Kibum chided, but there was no sign of disapproval on his face. In fact, there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. “I have something to get to, I’ll be back later. Enjoy.” 

He gave Jinki a final smile and headed for the door.

Kibum doesn’t really have something to do, but he understood that the older male might want the time to himself. Just him, and music. It would make him happy, and all he ever wanted was for Jinki to be happy. 

----

The way Kibum came into his life had always been a bit of a puzzle to Jinki.

It was unusual because he had disliked Kibum right off the bat, from the moment he saw his notebook in the blond’s hands, and Jinki hardly ever changes his mind about someone.

The younger male just seemed like the overly optimistic sort. His life must be all rainbows and butterflies, and with that pretty face – all high cheekbones, clear eyes, skin so pale it might as well be white, and lips shaped like the most perfect of cupid’s bows – everybody must adore him. What would a person like that understand of his pain? Of never being looked at twice, never having someone genuinely care, never being good enough? People like Kibum had everything they wanted in life, and they turned him off the most.

Sure, the boy had found his notebook and returned it to him, but in all honesty, Jinki would much rather have the school janitors sweep it up and dispose of it without so much as giving it a second thought, or have other people pick it up and not know who to return it to. He can’t stand having another person read all of his innermost thoughts, things he kept close to his heart that he did not dare say to even his closest friends, and know – as he sat at the long wooden table daily trying to go about his own business, to function as normally as he can manage – that he is not alright like he appears to be. That he is different, and wrong, and so broken.

The night after their encounter, Jinki had been going through the pages of his notebook – though to be fair, it is not a diary, necessarily, but it did contain a lot of the messy feelings he’d scribbled down on bad days and is as good as one – when he came to the last written page and found it filled with an unfamiliar scrawl.

“I know you’re probably ready to give up, but you can’t. You deserve to be happy. Don’t let yourself drown in this ice water. Don’t let your sadness freeze you in this arctic. Whenever you feel like dying, breathe deep and think. Think about what matters to you most, what makes you happy. Do them.

Once in a while, amidst all your bad days, you’ll have a good day. A great day even. Make sure you remember those days, remember how on those days you actually thought things aren’t all so horrible, because you need to know that there are and will be better days. Hold on to that hope and never let go.

There will be better days, the important thing is to let yourself get to it. But for now, focus on what’s important and give love to people who deserve it.

That includes yourself.

 -K.”

Jinki read through the small passage with a puzzled frown on his face, unsure of what to make of it. It was a lot less preachy than he’d expected, coming from a person who must have never felt a pain like his own, and he actually found himself smiling a bit sadly at the end of it.

Of course there are still things that make him happy, still days when he feels like he could actually do this life thing. It’s just that he never really bothered with anything anymore. Everything had come to be tiresome at some point and he’d stopped trying. Instead, he spent a large part of his days by either sleeping or thinking about death.

Flipping the page, he found another small paragraph written in the form of a poem.

“Before you kill yourself,
Just remember
That there are places you have not been
And things you have not seen.

And poems to awe,
Art to draw
Fields to walk through,
People to talk to,
Music to take in,
Games to win,
And books to be read.

So why,
Oh why,
Do you wish
To be dead?”

Jinki had to let out a small chuckle as he realized what Kibum was trying to do.

The way his notebook is not like a diary is that it contained more than just his own feelings, or recounts about his day. It also held a collection of prose, poems, or simple one-liners that he’d ever come across and wanted to remember because it had spoken out to him. Needless to say, most of them are rather depressing in nature, and the blond-haired boy he had just met yesterday is trying to do the opposite: Leaving him words that would provide some comfort, or a little bit of hope when he read them.

He flipped through the remaining pages of the notebook and found that there was something written on the bottom of every page. Some were longer than the others, others a simple one-liner, and finally on the last page he found Kibum’s phone number below a simple message,

“When you run out of these words :)

-Kim Kibum.”

Jinki closed the book without reading any of the other things written, wanting to save them for the bad days.

Why would anyone bother doing this, he thought to himself disbelievingly, This Kim Kibum sure is one strange boy.

Jinki had thought Kibum would know to leave him alone after he clearly said that he did not want to be friends, but after seeing what the blond did in his notebook, he should’ve known that Kibum is a bit different because he came right back the next day.

He was at the usual place, this time actually trying to get some work done when he was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. He had turned around only to see the blond with a little smile, asking if the seat next to his is occupied. Jinki had no right or reason to deny him the seat, and he could only turn back to his work and pretend not to know the other male.

Every day for the rest of the week, the same thing happened and Jinki even briefly considered seeking out another place to go to but thought it as too much trouble. It isn’t easy to find another place in school that would guarantee him a seat almost every day too. Also, it’s not like Kibum was in any way a disturbance. He never tries to start a conversation. All he does is stay quietly beside him and do his own work once he’d sat down.

As the days went by, Jinki slowly got used to having the other male around. He began to notice that the blond is always alone in the long hours he would spend in the study area. Kibum arrived later than Jinki does on most days, probably because of classes which he himself skipped so often, attending them only when he felt up to it, and he would still be there to greet Jinki goodbye with a smile at the end of the day.

It struck him as odd because there is no way a person like Kibum can have no friends, and why would he choose to spend all that time in one dull study area if he has people to hang out and have fun with? There can’t be that much studying to do, can there?

It has gotten to a stage where Jinki actually found himself looking forward to the time that the blond would come, and when he doesn’t turn up on some days, he would feel a pang of disappointment that he was always quick to dismiss. He didn’t know from when he had grown so accustomed to the mere presence of another person. It was unsettling, but also very oddly comforting in some ways.

One month. Jinki had allowed himself one full month of resistance before finally giving in.

He had told himself that they are just going to be friends, if only to make Kibum happy after all that persistence, and that it really didn’t have to mean anything. Jinki has friends too, people from back in high school that he meets every once in a while and people he attended classes with now. But if those people are any example to go by, being friends really didn’t have to mean anything. They know and care next to nothing about his struggles, and provided little comfort or understanding. Having them around sometimes just made him feel sadder.

Kim Kibum, though, as he’d come to see, was nothing like the rest.

In the days and months that they began to spend together, learning more about each other, Jinki found a very strange emotion starting to root in his heart. Desires of wanting to keep the younger male by his side, to always make him laugh his hearty, unabashed laughter, to hold him in his arms and feel his steady heartbeat. The way his very presence always steadies Jinki.

But alas, a person like Kibum is most definitely not meant to be with a person like him. And as far as Jinki is concerned, that is all there is to it. 

A.N.: This is the back story that I thought would be hard to fit into the chapters because there's so much to write about how they met. I'm sorry if this came out disorganised, I was trying very hard to get it written quickly because I wanted to have it posted today. 

Now that it's done, comments would really be lovely :)

xoxo.