Ji Hee

Falling onto my bed and huffing out loud, Caroline popped into my room. Wearing a large black sweater over her white dress, she fastened the buckles on her boots, causing me to send her a glare.

"Caroline, remember our rule about wearing shoes around the dorm?"

"Yeah, yeah. No shoes in the dorm, after all you're the one who washes the floor every month. I've got that." Caroline answers playfully in response as she sits on the edge of my bed, further intensifying my glare. "Forget that, but what's with all the sighs?"

"You wouldn't understand." I groaned as I flipped over on my bed and buried my face in the pillow. The bed was soft and cold. Perfect for lulling me right into sleep. Feeling her index finger poke the sides of my belly, I lazily scolded her as I buried my face deeper into the pillow.

"Wait- is it because of that guy?"

"What guy?" I questioned as I closed my eyes.

"You know- your boyfriend. He's pretty good looking too. Honestly, I'm not sure if you're the girl or guy in the relationship. He definitely looks prettier than you." Pausing, I could feel the weight on the bed shift. "Wait- don't tell me that's why you're sighing. Is it because he's prettier than you and you don't know how to cope with it?"

"Be quiet, Caroline. I still haven't gotten even with you yet." I muttered. "We're not dating and you just made it awkward for me."

"Did I really? Sorry~ But in other words, does it mean that you like him?" Caroline asked, forcing me to turn from my pillow and look at her. Her eyes twinkled with excitement as she took hold of my hands, ruffling my hair. Pushing her hands away from my hair I fell back onto my bed and pulled the covers over my head.

"I'm tired, just leave me alone okay?" I buried myself under my covers as Caroline proceeded to pull the covers off of me, causing me groan.

"I thought I told you about the party with Mei Hua!" Caroline frowned as she yanked me out of bed and pulled pieces of clothing from my closet and throwing them at me. Groaning and whining, I slipped in the clothes rather sloppily as Caroline cleaned up after me.

"Quit complaining!" Caroline warned, pulling my shirt down to keep it from wrinkling. Scrunching my nose up, I fell back down on the bed. "Emily!"

"I don't feel well." I lied, coughing. Caroline sends me an exasperated look and throws her hands up in the air.

"Fine, just stay here then. Ditch me!" Caroline whines as she placed her hands on her hips, giving me the puppy eyes. Rolling over on the bed, I pretended to be hurt.

"Caroline," I whined, imitating her. "You know that I really want to go, but I'm not feeling too good. I have too much on my mind. It would be good to have some time alone." I pressed my lips into a thin line, frowning to express my emotions. I obviously needed time. Being surrounded by two people who brought nothing but my past up was really... nerve wrecking.

"I'm telling Mei Hua on you then." Sticking her tongue out briefly, she crossed her arms and stared at me. "Since you'll be staying here alone, go get some groceries. We're running out and you know how bad my Korean is. By the way, fresh air is always good for the body."

"Are you kidding me?" I mumbled. "Have you never taken a breath here in Seoul? This isn't exactly what I'd call fresh air." It was a hopeless case and really, there was no point in arguing with her. I would still need to get the groceries anyways. Better today than tomorrow.

"You get the point." Caroline smiles as she pulls her hair up into a simple ponytail. Waving good bye, I fall back onto my bed as I heard a clear click indicating that the front door was locked. Shifting around on my bed, I sighed and finally pulled myself out of bed.

An Hour Later...

I decided not to spend too much time buying the groceries as the result would all end up the same and into the sewage system somehow. Walking past a gift shop, I spotted a rack filled with glasses and it immediately reminded me of Caroline. Right, I owe her a pair of glasses. 

The streets were crowded and as I made my way towards the gift shop, a harsh shove came my way and I bumped into another pedestrian. With their arms tightly wrapped around my waist to keep me from falling, I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief as I regained my balance. Turning around to thank the stranger, my muscles froze up as I caught sight of this "stranger".

Turning away from him, I gave a slight bow to indicate my thanks as his hand pulled at my wrist. Reluctant to turn around without anything covering my face, I searched my pockets for a mask- in which, I conveniently had in my pocket. (Working in a hospital and having to wear one nearly every day to avoid Dong Ho had its benefits at times like this).

"Seriously, I'm beginning to think that every time we meet, you fall." His voice echoes through my ears as I make my way to the gift shop, still refusing to look at him. Reaching the glasses rack and pulling one off randomly and putting them on, I proceeded to the cashier to pay when he stopped me. "That glasses doesn't look very good on you."

"It doesn't matter what you think." I grumble as I pulled my wallet out. Pulling my wallet from my hand, he takes the glasses from me and I make eye contact with him- by accident. The smile on his face falters as he is seemingly thinking back to the past, trying to remember where he'd seen me. Pulling the glasses from his hands, I put them back on.

"I think this pair looks better on you." He pulls a pair with dark blue frames off the rack and takes my current Hello Kitty glasses off, placing the blue framed ones on instead. Pulling me in front of the makeshift mirror, he beams as ruffles my hair. "See you look so much better in this pair!" Without fighting back this time, I extended my hand out in front of him, asking for my wallet.

"I'll pay for you." The fluttery feeling that I had felt years ago hit me and I looked away. It was like this then and like this now. I felt the palms of my hand become sweaty as I stood in the shop, placing the Hello Kitty glasses on the countertop, waiting for the glasses to be paid. I was in no position to argue and I clearly didn't want to be. I would pay him back when I bought him a new phone. "Are you getting the Hello Kitty one too?"

"Yeah, it's for a friend." I murmured, looking away from him. I can sense his silent laughter as he pays and pulls me along with him. It was like a K-Drama scene. Where the girl unwillingly follows the guy. I had never gotten the concept of it and suddenly, I have.

I secretly still liked him. He was holding onto me and it was hard to let go of the guy you loved- or in this case, I would say like. I was reluctant to be treated like a puppet, where he could push me around, but I was curious to see if it was truly possible for us to be together. To be something more.

Rather than taking me to a place, he dragged me all over Seoul, from place to place. Stopping at a few street vendors, I pulled my mask off briefly to eat a few snacks. For some reason, I found myself relaxing more and more as I stayed around him. My past was slowly creeping up on me as I smiled from time to time, which didn't go unnoticed.

"You seem to be really happy about something." He comments, adjusting the hood over his noticeable blonde hair. "You keep smiling every now and then even though I don't say anything. What's up?" 

My eyes meet the warm brown ones I had fallen in love with and I felt an urge to spill everything out. I wanted to remind him of all the time we had walked around Seoul together to escape idol life. How we had escaped together to avoid yet another day of dance practice. How we had bought so many things, what we had done with all that time, and how close we truly were. As my memory stops at that one lonely memory, my smile fades and my heart breaks.

"Nothing. I was just thinking about a few things here and there." I answer quietly, shrugging. "No big deal really." The atmosphere changes and after a few moments of walking in silence, he grabs my groceries from me and smiles.

"I'm sorry I just randomly dragged you around today. I'll send you home." With a sullen face, I shake my head and force a smile.

"I'll be fine. By the way, I don't exactly trust you to the extent of having you send me home." I say, trying to sound light hearted. He didn't buy it and continued to persist. And so, we walked together in utter silence. As we walked, my memories kept on seeping through present time and I abruptly halted to a stop as I shoved my hands in the pockets of my hoodie.

"What's wrong?" Bewildered by his sudden question, I looked up and shook my head, sending him a faint smile.

"It's nothing really..." My voice falters and I know he caught on as he stops walking and faces me.

"When you say it like that, do you really think I'll believe you?" His eyes reflect the warmth I had missed all these years but had tried so hard to forget.

"It's just..." I look down at my red converse and inspect them, trying to play it cool. "I can't wrap the idea of having an idol hang out with me. I mean, as an idol, why do you seem to have so much time on your hands? Enough to walk around the streets of Seoul?" I knew the answer by heart, but I wanted to hear him say it. 

"Being an idol, right off the bat is stressful." He answers as he stares off into the distance. "I want to escape the life of an idol momentarily. I wanted to be myself. Not an idol, but myself. Do whatever I want, see whatever I want, and go wherever I want." His mouth twitches into a smile as he stands in the middle of a street, looking like a fool. "More importantly, there was someone close to me... who would walk these streets with me. We both had the same goal and it was to be ourselves and just have fun."

My heart stops beating as I hear these words. I am almost appalled at all these feelings he had for me. It wasn't exactly romantic feelings, but it was enough to make my heart flutter. Was I ready to forgive him and go back to him as Ji Hee? Or will I keep hiding from him?

"So, what was it like?" I questioned quietly, staring at the ground.

"What was it like?" His face brightened as he went through his memories. "It was wonderful. I had lots of fun and I could tell, she had too. I didn't know it then, but I wanted to grow closer and closer to her. I don't when it started, but I guess- I'd fallen for her." I bit my lip as a sudden memory hit me. One that broke my heart and I knew.

He wasn't talking about me.

"It... seems interesting." I muttered. "Aren't you afraid I might spill some of this out to the paparazzi? You never know."

"It won't matter. I'm only human. Falling in love is just an ordinary course of life that we all have to go through. Idols have to find love at some point don't they?" I bit my lip as bitter thoughts crossed my mind. He was right. He had found his own love and it would only be a matter of time before I found mine. Instead of chasing after him, I should find someone else who would return my feelings.

Getting on a bus as the sun was just setting, we were on our way back to Hongdae. As the bus moved about the city, the pink and orange sky left me mesmerized as I stared out the window. 

"Doesn't the sky look romantic?" He comments as I turn to look at him. Hearing the word "romantic" reminded me of who I was hanging out with.

"It reminds me of a song." I reply as I stare out the window.

"Oh really? What song?" He inquires as I refuse to turn to look at him. Instead I send him a shrug and keep staring at the blinding light of the sun. "It reminds me of one too. Would you like to hear it?" I can hear him fumbling with his iPod and his headphones as he plugs one end into his ear and the other in my ear, causing me to jump at the sudden contact.

A strikingly familiar song comes on and it takes me a few moments to realize whose song this was.

My eyes grow watery as I remember it word by word and I hold back my emotions. As he sings the song softly as the bus continues to move, I felt as if I was being tortured from the past memories. Biting my lip and getting off at my stop and giving him an half hearted goodbye, I my heels and headed in the direction of my dorm.

Closing the door sullenly, the silence of the apartment enveloped me into a hug as I found myself picking up a purple folder I had hidden underneath my bed. Lost in my own memories, I moved through the pages of my folder as I stopped at one piece of paper labeled, "My Reason".

He was the reason for all my pain.

He was the reason to why I had left the industry.

He was the reason why I refused to accept myself.

He was the reason for all my smiles, all the happiness I had felt during my trainee and idol days, and most of all, he was the reason to why I had written the song.

In other words, this was my song to him.

But in his eyes, it was a gift from her to him.

In his heart, I didn't exist.

In his heart.

In Kevin's heart.

A/N: This was supposed to be updated on Kevin's Birthday, but I updated it a bit later because I wasn't motivated enough. >.< Sorry! And this chapter was revolved around Kevin xD. Hopefully you guys enjoyed this update. If you're confused about anything (let's be honest here, this wasn't my best chapter) be sure to message me or comment below to have some things clarified! :)