“Oppa and I, we… we a-almost had a ch-child.” I started hesitantly. Her hand that was rubbing my back immediately stopped moving.

I looked at omma, expecting her to ask questions or to just say something, anything, but all I saw was her poker face. I didn’t know if I should continue but I felt her hand continue rubbing my back so I took it as a sign to go on.

“Four years ago and even before that, I loved oppa. So much. Not just as a brother but more than that. Back then, I thought it was wrong because he treated me as his sister and I should only treat him as my brother. And what made loving him even more wrong was that he had a girlfriend and I knew that. I knew, but I still kept on loving him.” I looked down and paused for a while, thinking about how much I loved him or I mean love him brings back memories I wanted to forget before but so deeply treasure now.

“We spent a lot of time together. He helped me a lot especially when me and my members were just starting in the industry and that just made me love him more. He would practice with me, dance and sing with me, cheer me up when I’m sad, give me energy when I’m tired and the thing made it hard for me not to love him is that he believed in me. He believed in me even though I didn’t believe in myself anymore. He pushed me forward and never did anything to hold me back. He supported me in everything I did. Everything he did made me fall deeply in love with him.” I stopped to look at omma and she was smiling at me with teary eyes. I returned the smile the best way I could.

She was now holding my hand as if giving me strength to continue with my story.

“I thought he didn’t see me as a woman and only thought of me as his sister. I thought all he did for me was out of sisterly love but then s-something h-happened…” I suddenly became shy while talking about it. Well, the person I was talking to is still his mother and talking about pre-marital was not really the best thing to do. But when I saw that her expression was still unchanging, I continued.

“It happened. And after that, we didn’t talk much with each other. I avoided him after that because I felt awkward and guilty too. I felt so guilty thinking about it because he had a girlfriend and I still allowed that to happen. Then one day I went to his studio. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop in his conversation with his girlfriend but I couldn’t walk away too. Then I heard him say something that really hurt me. I couldn’t help it. I cried so much after that but decided to be a stronger person. A few days after that, I found out I was p-pregnant.” I took a deep breath before continuing.

“I f-found out and decided to not tell anybody, including oppa. Back then, I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I know I was wrong. Nobody knew, only Dara unnie.”

Omma was still holding my hand gently rubbing it.

“But Chae…” she spoke softly. “What happened to the b-baby?” I can hear omma’s sad voice ask. This was the question I avoided the most but I gotta say it at some point.

“I… I lost h-her”

Omma’s hold on my hand became tighter as I said that and her expression shifted from solemn to shock to sadness.

“There was an a-accident and I…” I couldn’t continue anymore since tears were once again rushing out of my eyes. Me and omma cried. We were both silent, both thinking about it and I was once again grieving the loss of my baby.

“There was this one night when I was craving so much for something sweet that I couldn’t sleep. It was already almost midnight that time. I searched in our apartment but all we had that time were noodles and vegetables and I really wanted to eat something sweet so I decided to go to the convenient store just across our apartment. I didn’t want to disturb Dara unnie so I didn’t wake her up to come with me. I didn’t think it was necessary anyway because the convenient store was just so near and I would probably be back in no time.”

I could see Mama Kwon was still tearing up and she was still holding my hand tight.

“S-so I went down to the convenient store and bought some chocolates. I was going to cross the road to go back to the apartment but I h-heard noises coming from the alley beside the store. It sounded like someone crying and being the curious girl I am, I went there to look. But what I saw really surprised me. I saw a thief pointing a knife to an old lady while pulling on her bag and the old lady was sniffling with a bloody lip. It was my first time to see such a scene. I didn’t know what came over me. Maybe it was a reflex reaction but I shouted, I just shouted at the thief and the next thing I knew was I was lying on the ground and my body hurt like hell. Then everything turned black.” My tears were continuously flowing down my face as I was telling my story.

“I woke up the next day in a hospital bed, feeling empty, with Dara unnie sleeping on the chair beside it. Then t-they told me… they told me I lost h-her. The doctor said the impact on me was too much and that my b-baby couldn’t h-hold on.” I was already gasping for air as I said my last words. I always try to be strong but this really breaks me. Just thinking about it pained me for sure but telling it was another kind of pain.

Telling the story made me feel like it was my fault. Like everything was my fault. My decisions caused it to happen and I always blame myself. But when the pain became too much for me to handle I decided to find an outlet of my blame and anger to myself and that person just happened to be the man I also love deeply, Kwon Jiyong. I just started to blame everything on him. I started to think that if only he was there for me, none of it would have happened. We would have been able to live a happy life as a family but he wasn’t there for me. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most. I knew it was very selfish of me to blame him with everything considering that he didn’t know anything but what else could I do? I was a grieving, heartbroken, young mother who needed love, care, comfort and I just didn’t have any of that. Yes, many people were always there for me and supporting me but I always felt like there was something missing. Like there was a freaking big hole in my heart that just couldn’t be filled.

“I’m so sorry Chaerin. I’m so sorry that that happened to you. Oh my God.” Omma said while she was sobbing. She hugged me again and I returned it. I don’t know how long we stayed in that position but I didn’t care. I felt her warmth and care and I love it.

Mama Kwon led me to the guest room of their home and tucked me in. She insisted that I sleep here tonight because it was late already and that I was her daughter and her daughter should sleep in their home. That actually really warmed my heart. Hearing her still call me her dearest daughter, feeling her hug me to comfort me and seeing her try to be strong for me really gave me a part of the love that I really craved for the most.

I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I was just staring blankly at the ceiling. I wasn’t crying or anything. I was just still. I thought about me and Jiyong. I know being together was not really a possibility right now so I decided that I would just ask for his forgiveness, get closure and move on with my life because I know he was too mad at me to even consider having a relationship with me.