I opened the door and I was greeted by pure darkness. Of course, Kwon Jiyong was wallowing in the dark. I didn’t bother turning on the lights. Maybe it’s better this way. My heart was beating like crazy and my palms were already sweaty. I shut the door and just stood there.

“Jiyong?” I whispered softly in the dark.

No one answered back. I slowly and unsurely walked forward, trying to remember how his room looked like. Ugh. It’s been so long since I’ve been here. I slid one foot forward followed by the other while waving my arms and hands widely in front, trying to feel if I would hit something.

“Ji…?”

Still, no one replied so I continued to walk or more like slide forward. It feels like I’ve been walking/sliding forever ‘til I hit something. It’s cold and hard.

It’s the wall. Damn it! I’ve had enough of this. I waved my arms until I felt a cloth. Aha. Curtains! I pulled it open and instantly, a part of the room was illuminated by the moon. Now, I can see something. I immediately went to the lamp on the bedside table to turn it on when…

“Don’t” said the owner of the voice I was looking for. I turned around and saw a silhouette of a man sitting on a chair.

“Don’t turn the lights on. I can’t bear to see you right now.” He said flatly and that stung. I was just standing a few feet away from him but it feels like we’re miles away from each other.

“I’m so sorry Ji” I said while looking at him. I didn’t know if he was looking at me too. If he was, he could probably see me trying hard to stop the tears from falling from my eyes.

“I’m sorry too… I’m sorry that your sorry can’t do anything right now.” He said it so calmly but even so, my heart still ached at that.

“I wanna know why…” He chuckled bitterly. “I mean, why did you hide this from me for so long and how could you have the heart to do this? I guess I was wrong about you, Lee Chaerin. I thought I knew you so well, turns out I don’t know you at all.” He said so ing coldly I felt myself shiver.

Now that hit home base. Jiyong was on a roll today. He was on the roll in breaking my heart, or what was left of it.

This time, I couldn’t stop it anymore. The tears came rushing out of my eyes as if they’ve been imprisoned there for so long. I couldn’t even stop the sobs escaping my lips. It was just too much. And the worst part was I knew. I knew this was somewhat my fault. I knew, right now, I didn’t have the right to get angry or be mad at him for treating me this way because I caused this.

“If you’re just going to cry there, then can you please leave? I can’t stay in the same place with you right now. You know your way out.” He said as he stood up, walked past me and went out to the veranda of his room.

My feet were glued to the ground. What the hell is happening? I wanted to tell everything to him but when we’re already face-to-face, I couldn’t say a word about it.

I was ashamed. Ashamed of what I did. While I was too busy drowning in my emotions, a sudden thought came to me and made my heart ache for what seemed like the nth time today. ‘What if mama Kwon and papa Kwon would find out about this?’ I bet they would hate me just like Jiyong. I bet they would regret ever being good to me and treating me like their real daughter. If that happened… no, that can’t happen. God please, don’t let it happen.

“Chaerin?” a soft voice broke my train of thoughts and brought me back to reality.

“Hmm?” I automatically responded. I looked around and I was surprised that I was already in the Kwon’s living room. I guess my feet had a mind of its’ own. I didn’t even notice I already left his room.

“Chaerin dear?” the familiar soft voice asked again. I saw omma Kwon looking at me with a concerned look.

“Oh, omma. You’re still awake? It’s late already.” I tried to say normally, even if my voice was a dead giveaway that I just cried.

“Chaerin-ah, are you okay?” she said as she slowly approached me.

I gave her the best smile I could muster. “Of course, omma, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She smiled at me sadly. She closed the gap between us and gave me a hug. “It’s okay to not be strong all the time, my dear daughter. You are still young, you are supposed to feel every emotion possible, experience the joy and sadness of life. Because when you grow old, that’s another chapter of your life.” She whispered to me.

“Thank you, omma. Thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for treating me like your own. Thank you for all the love and care you have given me. Always remember that I love and care for you too.” I said as I held her tighter. My tears were slowly flowing from my eyes again.

She separated from me but still held me by my arms and looked at me in the eyes. “Lee Chaerin, why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?”

I didn’t say anything. I really was saying goodbye because I was preparing myself to whatever reaction they would have when they find out what I did. They were bound to find out anyway.

“Aigoo, this young girl.” she said while using her thumbs to wipe my cheeks that were once again stained with tears.

“I’m so sorry omma. I’m so so sorry.” I said and I hugged her again. She held me tighter.

“It’s okay, my child. You are a strong girl. You can get pass whatever you are going through right now.” She said soothingly.

“Maybe not this time, omma.”

We separated and she pulled me to sit on the couch.

“I can’t bear to look at you like this anymore. Tell me what happened, Chaerin.” she said, as she rubbed my arms which gave me the warmth I so desperately needed.

I looked at her with sad eyes and decided at that moment that it was right to tell her. Even if I was scared of what her reaction might be, she too, had the right to know about this. I composed myself and took a deep breath.

“Omma, I have to tell you something. You might hate me after this but I think you have to know this.” I said while keeping myself strong.

“Aigoo, this girl really. I will never hate you Chaerin-ah…” omma said while rubbing my back which made me even guiltier for keeping this secret for so long.

I hope so, omma. I really hope so.

“Oppa and I, we… we a-almost had a ch-child.” I started hesitantly. Her hand that was rubbing my back immediately stopped moving.