Dream - Lee Hi

Chapter Four

Insanity

After realizing that staring at the off-white color of her room’s ceiling wouldn’t get her anywhere, Jaera decided to tear her gaze away from it and just stare out at her opened window. Contrary to her expectation of seeing a bright sky with a blinding and warm sun at the center, a cloud filled and dark atmosphere was all that met her gaze—one that seemed to make her lifeless situation much, much worse.

“He’s been here since last month.”

Once the words left Jisoo’s lips, it’s as if time suddenly came to a complete stop and Jaera found herself shutting off from her surroundings. The flickering bright lights from various night lamps turned black and white. The loud din coming from the people in and out of the restaurant alike turned into incoherent quiet buzzes. Thoughtful words spoken by Jisoo turned into a rubbish line, one that Jaera was unable to understand.

And the warmth that was kept and treasured all this time had, all of a sudden, turned cold.

Thoughts which were supposed to be processed by the mind had gone nowhere. Feelings that were supposed to be felt by the heart had begun to falter. Jaera’s whole body had turned numb and uncaring, unable to comprehend the situation that was being dawned to her.

She didn’t want to believe Jisoo’s words. The whole idea was so ridiculously unreasonable for her. If Lu Han was indeed already in South Korea since a month ago, why hadn’t he tell Jaera? Why didn’t he inform her? Reasoning that it was for the purpose of it being a surprise was utter bull. Lu Han perfectly well knew how Jaera would rather hear from him first than to be surprised by any kind of crazy and greasy antics that his mind usually devises.

He hadn’t called for almost two years. Not one message came from him ever since.

Lu Han would be pushing his luck if he really thought of surprising Jaera.

And besides, they made a promise together.

Lu Han promised her that he will come back to her. Jaera promised him that she will wait no matter how long it takes. It was a promise that the two of them made before parting and up to the present, Jaera still held onto it. She still remembers every words, emotions, and feelings that were present on that day for it was her resolve, her will to never forget anything about him, because she trusted him. She believed in him.

Jaera loved Lu Han and she bowed to love him for the rest of time.

But what the heart wants would not always be in line with what the mind perceives.

Jisoo’s words only supported the idea. Jaera, herself, was the one who was able to prove it. Even if it brought her utter shock and turned her mind irrational, she saw Lu Han in whole shape with her own two eyes, driving right in front of her with a girl whose existence Jaera didn’t even bother to give any damn about anymore. Even as she didn’t want to believe everything and treat the whole ordeal as just a mere dream, reality was always quick to pull her back and put her into a point of bleakness.

Even as her heart wanted to hold onto the promise they made, her mind wanted her to stop being stupid.

And everything that she’d done since three years ago had suddenly lost all of its meaning. Waiting, sacrificing, hoping, and praying. All sentiments were trashed. The initial resolve was in vain.

All of the feelings kept and treasured were frozen.

It didn’t even matter anymore if Lu Han was really back or not. Jaera didn’t care anymore if he really had hid from her all this time or if he really had intended to surprise her. All she wanted was the answer to her questions, the explanation to the mystery that had been bugging her mind ever since.

Why had he suddenly stopped from reaching out to her and left her all alone?

Were his feelings no longer intact? Had they grown out of each other? Was the promise they made no longer valid? Even if it might hurt, Jaera just wanted to know the truth. Jaera just wanted to hear the explanation that she wanted and deserved.

Yet, even that seemed so impossible.

It’s not like anyone could just explain things to her, to clarify the whole situation to her. Lu Han was the only one who would be able to tell everything that she wanted to hear, to do everything that she wanted to do. Though even if she tried to reach out to him, it would only be futile, for she had already tried so many times since the last two years and not once had she been successful.

And it brought her a whole lot of anxiety, stress, and pain—ones that were too much for her to take. She had managed to endure everything until now, but it had suddenly become too overwhelming that her mind and heart had to stop comprehending. She had to stop understanding.

Everything had suddenly turned void.

It had already been two days since her meeting with Jisoo and ever since then she had refused to leave the comfort and security of her sanctuary, reasoning that she was feeling unwell. Being as her family ran hospitals as their primary business, she knew that they knew that it was only a lie but she was too mentally exhausted to even think of a better excuse.

Much to her relief though, no one made a fuss about it, even Seongim, her mom, who was always too curious for her own good. They knew the situation regarding Lu Han and discreetly witnessed how Jaera had been enduring the pain brought about their circumstances for the past three years. It was about time that she finally had a break from the façade that she kept on showing to everyone.

A knock was heard by the door. “Hey, you’re still locking yourself here?” Jisoo’s voice wakened the dead state of the room, but Jaera’s eyes were glued to her window still. “Well, that’s obviously a yes.” Jisoo closed the door afterwards and gingerly sat beside Jaera on her bed.  “Stop ruining yourself.” she sighed.

Tearing her gaze away from the window, Jaera looked at Jisoo expressionlessly. “I’m not.”

“Anyone could clearly see that you are. Your excuse of being ‘sick’ isn’t entirely convincing, to be honest.” Jisoo said. “Everyone’s worried about you, especially Sehun. Even though he doesn’t know the real reason, he’s really restless for the past two days.” Jaera didn’t respond and only sighed, causing for Jisoo to do the same. “Stop making everyone worry. We know that you’re the one affected the most by everything, but you have got to stop acting like this. It isn’t helping you or any of us at all.”

Jisoo was right, Jaera knew, that by shutting