TITLE: Your Way to Kill Me

AUTHOR: clumsyblue

PAIRING: Ricsyung

GENRE: angst, romance

WARNINGS: characters death

DISCLAIMERS: None

SUMMARY: Every choice has its own consequence. And when I chose not to kill you at that time, I prepared myself to accept everything, even the possibility of being killed by you.  Yes, I prefer being killed than seeing the sadness on your eyes. Don’t worry, I will always stay by your side, loving you with all my heart, until the time comes for you to take my life…

ARTWORK: clumsyblue

I stood still in front of the white wooden door, slowly biting my lower lip while trying to calm my mind. After taking a deep breath, I raised my right hand and touched the doorknob, carefully turned it so no sound could be heard. Darkness greeted me as soon as the door opened, and I quickly scanned the room, just to find you sitting on the floor in the furthest corner.

You were looking back at me, with your doe eyes that used to look so clear and bright. Right now, I could only see the sadness, hatred, and anger emitted from those eyes. Not breaking any eye contact, I walked toward you with long and steady steps. My heart clenched when I saw you body trembled as I moved closer, but I tried my best not to show it.

I stopped right in front of you and bent down to your eye level. A frown automatically appeared on my forehead as you flinched when I tried to touch you. It had been a long time, and you still acted this way…

“Why are you sitting on the floor?” The long silence was broken by my own voice, only to be answered by yet another silence. You didn’t answer, as usual, only looked at me with your blank stare. As if your lips were glued and you couldn’t say anything…

“Hyesung ah,” I tried again. Just once, even if it was just once, I wanted to hear your voice again. Your melodious voice that could make me felt calm in an instant, your husky voice that was so gentle that I wanted to keep you just for myself. But no, you refused to say anything, not even a curse or dead threat. You knew it so well that letting me heard your voice again, let it be a curse, would only set me as the victor in your secret mind game.

Defeated, I raised my hand to your soft hair. The sight of you shivered at my touch made my heart clenched again. How I wanted to get back to that time again, when you surrendered immediately whenever I touch your hair. You always said that you loved it whenever I your hair gently until you fell asleep, but apparently, that wasn’t the case right now.

I planted a soft kiss on your forehead before lifting your slim body. Yes, your body might seem small, but you surely were heavy. That wasn’t a bother of course, because you always felt as light as a feather on my arms. And the fact that you didn’t even struggle made it even easier, even honestly, I preferred you to at least show some responses. Seeing you showing no reaction except shivering and trembling made you looked like a lifeless doll.

Carefully, I placed you on your bed and tugged your blanket to cover your body. You still didn’t say anything, just looked at me with your expressionless face. For now, at least I knew that you felt comfortable on your bed, and that was more than enough for me.

“I love you,” I whispered softly at you while kissing your forehead again. I loved you, that was the fact. With that confession, I poured my heart at you, and when you didn’t answer, my heart sunk yet again. You could just reject me, cursed at me, kicked me, or even threw anything at me. But no, you didn’t give any sign of answer. That hurt me more than anything, because it could mean that I didn’t even deserve to have your hatred…

Even though I knew that it was entirely my fault…

***

It was last May when I first arrived to your home, pretending to be Mr. Shin’s apprentice, because it was my assignment to pry into his laboratory. It wasn’t a hard thing to do. I just needed to attend a few of his lectures, showing a great interest in chemical reactions, and he happily invited me to join his latest research. I needed to find out whether or not his research broke the law and then finish my job – kill him if he did, or leave him if he was clean. It wasn’t a hard job, if only I didn’t meet you there.

That day, I just sit on the couch in Mr. Shin’s living room while reading a stack of paper that he gave me earlier. I only pretended to read, because actually, I already memorized everything while studying his background. He was indeed an excellent alchemist, and I slightly hoped that he was clean. Because our country would have a great loss if we lost such a great man like him. And then, you came and practically destroyed everything…

“Dad, who is he?” A melodious voice entered my ears, immediately caught my attention.

“He is one of my student, and he will help me on my new research,” Mr. Shin answered, “Eric, this is my son, Hyesung,” And then, when I finally saw the owner of that husky voice, it felt like everything around me froze. It was you, the one who was so breathtakingly gorgeous that stole all my attentions. I even didn’t realize that all the paper had already scattered on the floor until you let out your restrained chuckle. I cursed silently at my mind while collecting all the paper, forcing myself to be calm.

“I’m Eric Mun,” I hid my embarrassment behind my smile, “Nice to meet you,”

That second, when you smiled back at me with your perfect feature, I knew that I already fell in love with you…

Having to secretly did this job made me felt like I was standing in an intersection. I was happy because I could see you every day, even stayed at your room. But, beside that, I was afraid. If the suspicion was proved, I had no other option but killing your parent. That was a must, because my job knew no mercy toward someone who broke the law. That was why I prayed each day, wishing that I could finish this work cleanly, without smearing blood on my hand.

Slowly, I started to enjoy my new ‘life’. Watching you every day and greeted you a ‘good morning’ every time you woke up, stole a on your hair before you slept, even heard your cute nag about the way I should keep my body healthy became a great routine. The fact that I found nothing wrong with Mr. Shin’s experiment made everything even better. How I wish for the time to move faster so I could stop being a spy and just intruding your life for real…

And one night, I decided to move forward. As usual, I would come to you before you slept to your soft hair and bid you a good night, but that night, I did the other thing. Bravely, I kissed your forehead, leaving you frozen on your spot without any movement. For a few seconds, I got worried because you didn’t give me any response. But then, your pretty face became as red as tomato, and I knew that I already got you.

“I love you,” I whispered right beside your left ear. Your chubby cheeks became even redder, and you looked so damn cute.

“I love you too,” You answered softly while biting your lower lip. That sight was so mesmerizing that I couldn’t help but stole a quick peck on your pouty lips. I almost broke every tube on the lab that night because I was too happy that finally I could have you…

Day by day, I lived my life happily there. With you and your parent who seemed to know about us but didn’t say anything, how I wished that we could go forever like this. The deadline was coming closer and nothing seemed harmful in Mr. Shin’s works. I was counting the remaining days when suddenly Mr. Shin came to me and asked me to join him to his laboratory.

Something didn’t feel right that time. Mr. Shin looked so enthusiast yet careful when he guided me into a secret room beside our usual experiment room. And as soon as I stepped into that room, I knew that my every beautiful dream was scattered into broken pieces…

Fate was so cruel. It played with me, made me flew so high before dropped me hard out of a sudden. Why now? When I thought that everything would be alright, when I thought that I would finally be happy… Why didn’t I knew it days ago, when I hadn’t attached this strong to you? When I didn’t admire your dad this deep? Why?

Still, this job was my most priority. If the higher ups commanded me to kill them, I would do it without blinking my eyes. What would happen to me or my heart later wasn’t important anymore… But still, I couldn’t erase your face from my mind. I knew that I could kill your parent, but not you…

I couldn’t postpone it any longer, and I decided to just finish everything in one day. Mr. and Mrs. Shin didn’t ask me anything when I called them to the laboratory that day. They also didn’t seem too shocked when I pointed that gun to their heads. Mr. Shin just smiled and closed his eyes while Mrs. Shin hugged her husband tightly. That sight made my heart clenched because I just realized that they knew all along who I was…

“Why?” I asked softly at them.

“You are a good man,” Mr. Shin answered, still with eyes closed, “I’m at fault right now. Just, please take care of our Hyesung,”

As usual, I didn’t even blink when I shot my targets down.

I was just about to move away when the laboratory door suddenly opened. Then, everything happened like a slow motion scene from a movie. You appeared from behind the door, with a cheerful smile on your pretty face, a smile that was quickly faded away, exchanged with a shocked expression.

Happy, shocked, confused and anger. I knew that I couldn’t bear to see the desperation on your face, and I had to stop it right here. That was why I lifted my gun again and pointed it at you.

 And then, I saw you fell on the floor.

**

My routine changed after I brought you to my place. I always made sure that you were eating three times a day and preparing everything to make you comfortable. The fact that you just kept your live made me somehow relieved, but also sad at the same time. You ate, you walked around, but you never leave the apartment. You never talked, never cried, never threw a tantrum, and never smiled, just like a robot that was being programmed to show no emotion.

Why didn’t I kill you at that time? That thought perched on my mind countless times. I would rather have you die than suffering like this, refusing to say anything and continue to live on your sadness. But then, I had no heart to kill you. Somehow, I loved you so much that I could do nothing to harm you. That was why, at that time when you fell unconscious, I brought you to my place, made sure that you were alive and unharmed.

And instead, I wanted you to kill me…

I knew that you were angry at me, despised me so bad that you wanted to kill me. It was normal though, because I killed your parent, right in front of your eyes. I was the lowest of the lowest, and I knew that you felt tortured, had to live with your parent’s murderer. The only thing that could make you feel relieved was by revenging your parent’s death, by killing me.

Somehow, that thought didn’t feel bad. Being killed by you, I felt like I deserved to. And if it was you who killed me, I would have no objection. That was why I prepared everything inside the apartment. A set of knives, a pair of swords, a long rope, everything that you could use as a weapon. I never locked my bedroom, in case you wanted to sneak in and stabbed me when I was asleep. I showered you with my love everyday, wishing you to be happy, while waiting until the time came for you to kill me.

And that night, when I entered your room, you greeted me with that gun on your hand, the gun that I used to shot your parent. Right at that time, a thought entered my mind. Ah, so this was your way to take revenge on me, by killing me using the same way I killed them. Well, if that would make you happy and relieved, I wouldn’t mind.

So I just closed my eyes, waiting for you to pull the trigger.

But no, you didn’t shoot me. When I opened my eyes again, your hand already fell on your side, and the satisfied smile disappeared from your face. Right then I knew that you already lose your intention to kill me…

Days passed, and everything went as usual, except the fact that you seemed even more lifeless. I couldn’t see the hatred on your eyes anymore, nor the trembles whenever I touched you. That was harder for me, and my heart sunken deeper and deeper each time I entered your room to bid you a good night. At least last time I could still see the sparkle on your eyes when you threw your hatred using your sharp glare, unlike your empty stare like now.

I knew that the fact that I kept you inside my apartment bothered the people in my workplace, but I didn’t even care. They even sent Minwoo, my co-worker and my very best friend to my place in an evening, to persuade me to detach you.

“Why don’t you kill him?” Minwoo asked bluntly as soon as he sat on the chair inside my workroom, not even bother to do some chit-chatting.

“I can’t, Minbong ah, I can’t,” And I answered truthfully. No matter how hard I wanted to kill you, to end your suffering, I couldn’t do it…

“But why? You get no benefit from keeping Hyesung with you, right? Just kill him already,” He asked again with a frown on his forehead.

“No, I won’t,” I shut my eyes tight while slightly biting my lower lip, “I love him too much. I really love him, Minwoo ah,”

Minwoo didn’t say anything for a while, only looked at me with his small eyes. He studied my face in silence before taking a deep breath.

“What’s with you and your habit to love your target?” He asked with a sigh, which earning my sharp gaze, “Okay, not a habit, but it also happened once before, right?” And his question stabbed my heart hard. In an instant, an image of a girl appeared on my mind, a long haired girl with a bright smile that could melt even the frozen heart.

“It happened,” I answered with a low voice. It happened, years ago, in my second mission as the secret agent for the government. In fact, I knew her since forever, even before the government set her as their new target. And I also loved her since forever…

“But that time, you managed to kill her. I know that you also can do it now,” And now, the image on my mind changed. Now I could only see the same girl, but not with her amazing smile. The girl was having no expression, lied on the white ceramic floor that became red because of the blood that flowed from the hole on her forehead.

“You know, Minbong ah,” I let out a long sigh, trying hard to erase the last image from my head, “That time, when I shot her, she brought half of my heart with her into her graveyard,”

A long pause. I lifted my head to look directly at Minwoo, who was looking back at me. From his expression, I knew that he understood my pain, the wound that could never be healed. The long scratch on my heart, because I killed my lover with my own hand. My heart was practically become numb after that time, but it magically throbbed again when I saw Hyesung.

“The remains of my heart are being held by Hyesung now,” Those words muffled up into a whisper as I hid my face on my hand, “If I kill him, I would surely die with him,”

***

That night, as usual, I entered your room. I tugged your blanket, made sure that you lied comfortably on your bed. I then your hair gently and kissed your forehead.

“I love you,” I whispered. I was just about to stand when you answered with a soft voice.

“I love you too,”

I froze on my spot, looking at you with a shocked expression. Did I just hear what I thought it was? Did you just say that you loved me too? Did my ears deceive me just now?

“I love you,” you said again, now with a clearer voice.

It didn’t take a second for me to jump toward you – yes, jump, literally – and kissed you fully on your lips. It also didn’t take a second for you to answer it. Just as eagerly, you kissed me back, melting our lips together in a steamy atmosphere.

You might just lie to me or played with me, but I didn’t even care. Only the fact that you gave a response to me made me happier than ever, let along you said that you loved me too. I didn’t care if it was a dream, I would just sleep forever and never woke up. If it was my imagination, I would happily let my mind deceived me.

Our kiss became more passionate as I your bottom lip. Almost immediately, you opened your mouth, letting me devoured all of you. At this state, I wouldn’t even care if I became crazy.

***

What could be more beautiful than seeing you slept soundly by my side as soon as I woke up? What could be happier than having you cuddling on my arms all night? It felt like my heart burst in happiness as I found you here when I opened my eyes, defenseless and pure, just like a little baby. This was what I dreamed every night, this was what I prayed in my every prayer, and this was what I hoped with all my might, to have you stayed beside me…

I touched your cheek gently, to convince myself that it wasn’t just a dream. And no, it was real. Your cheeks felt soft on my fingers, and your movement seemed real. I almost screamed in happiness when you finally opened your eyes and blinked cutely.

“Good morning,” I said softly, still touching your cheek gently.

“Morning,” You answered with a whisper, and that was enough to make me flew into the ninth sky. I kissed your cheek lovingly in an instant.

“Is your body okay?” I couldn’t help but felt concerned because last night was your first time. I thought I did it too roughly, and I got mad at myself right now. But you only chuckled at my changed expression.

“It’s okay, I have to get use of it anyway,” Your blunt answer made my smile found its place again, “Why don’t you take a shower?”

“I don’t want to. I want to stay here all day,” I pulled you into a tight embrace, refusing to let go of you. You let out your adorable chuckle again and hit my shoulder playfully.

“You can’t. You have a work, remember?” I pouted, but I let go of you eventually.

“Wait for me, okay?” I rolled over and stood beside you before planting a soft kiss on your forehead, “I love you,”

I took a very quick shower and practically ran back to your bedroom, wishing to see you there, waiting for me with a smile on your gorgeous face. But instead, I found out that your room was empty, and there was only a piece of paper left on the bedside table. My hand trembled when I read your writing on that paper.

‘Rooftop’

I ran all the way using the stairs, not even bother to wait for the elevator. My brain processed with lightning speed to digest everything. I was sure that everything was right last night, so why did it happen? Why you asked me to go to the rooftop? It couldn’t be… It couldn’t be! Right?

“Hyesungie!” I yelled loudly as soon as I opened the rooftop door, panting heavily. You were there, sitting on the edge of the roof, without any safety device to hold you.

“Hey, Eric ah,” You waved cheerfully, and I could feel my heart beat so fast. Oh no… No, no, please no! Please, not this! Not when I thought that I could finally have you, no!

Cold sweat formed on my forehead when I realized what you intended to do. I could feel my hand trembling as I raised my arm toward your direction. No, in fact, my whole body trembled as I chanted on my mind. Please, please, please… I would do anything, but please, don’t… Please…

Right at that time, a smile bloomed on your face. The brightest smile you ever had, the happiest one that you ever showed to me. A satisfied smile, as if you finally reached the goal of your life.

And then, still with smile on your face, you jumped from your place.

I stood still, frozen on my spot, jaw dropped in shock. But a second later, when my brain finally managed to work properly, my smile found its way back to my face. And without me even realizing, I already laughed hard, so hard that I felt the tears flowed on my cheeks.

Really, I had prepared every kind of weapon, but you chose to use this way? Genius, you really were a genius, Hyesungie. You knew that by using those tools, you would only kill my body. But this way, my body, heart, and mind would die in a same time.

So, this was your way to kill me…

That was my last thought before I ran to the edge of the roof and jumped, following your scent that somehow lingered on the air.

Until the hard ground greeted me…

***

THE END

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