Seeing Lexi sitting on the bed, looking as though no time had passed made me a bit angry, while at the same time relieved. Mixed feelings, happy yet angry, sad yet grateful, regretful yet hopeful. I’m not sure what to feel having her this close to me after all this time. Even if I tried to forget, tried to move on, it hadn’t worked, seeing here again only made it that much harder to try. The fact remains, I still love Lexi.

“She’s trying her hardest,” Min-Jun says coming to my side, I’m leaning against the railing upstairs, in the only spot where you can see her on the couch sitting alone. “Taec wasn’t going to forgive her, but Lexi said she understood. Nichkhun, she’s just as torn up as you.”

“It took her three years,” I remind my friend bitterly. I watch Lexi just sitting quietly, looking around as though confused.

“Yet instead of enjoying the beach like you wanted to when we talked about coming here, you’re staring at her.” Min-Jun says; I glance at him to see a satisfied smirk on his face. “I get you being mad at her, I understand wanting space, but I wouldn’t be too hard on her.”

“Why is that?” I ask feeling a little bit more tired than when I drove the last leg of the morning here. Seeing Lexi, while enjoyable also tests me, how much have I changed, where does she stand, what happens next, am I ready for it?

“Chansung, Junho, Wooyoung, Taecyeon and I won’t allow it.” Min-Jun says firmly. “Lexi really didn’t know what those three were planning, not until we told her this morning.” Min-Jun explains seriously. “I’m not going to stop you from being mad or try to convince you of anything, but remember the seven of us are a family of sorts and will defend each other.”

I nod my head; I figured it’d be something along those lines. “She made it feel like we were whole in the beginning.” I murmur thinking back about before.

Min-Jun nods his head. “She’s just been a bit lost; try not to hold it against her.” Hyung says walking away after patting my shoulder.

I settle for watching Lexi for a few more moments before I head to my room, grabbing a book I’ve been reading, I head back downstairs. I can feel Lexi watching me apprehensively; I take a seat next to her, opening my book I begin to read.

When she tries to get up, I grab her wrist, keeping her planted on the seat next to me. Relaxing into the seat she sits quietly, glancing at me every now and then as I read. Well try to; having her this close makes it harder to read. Honestly even back when we were just friends I couldn’t concentrate, it’d been even worse when we were together.

Setting my book down I glance over to see Lexi watching me curiously, “What happened when your parents found out you quit?” I ask calmly.

Jumping slightly she adverts her eyes. “They called, I’d been with Chansung, but I told them I wouldn’t be coming back, that I still don’t have the intentions of working for them or taking over.” She says quietly.

She sounds guilty and miserable. I let out a long sigh, which gets her attention; I poke her forehead and look at her seriously in the eyes. “When are you going to get it through your head? Forgive yourself a little, it’d do wonders.” I tell her leaning back, letting my arms rest on the back of the couch, and effectively behind Lexi.

“Chansung said that too,” She mutters, I feel it again that familiar pang of jealousy. “I know you’re right, that I need to, but I’ve made a mess of things again.”

“So pick the mess up, you’ve already started, how I see it, you’re not too far from being done.” I tell her casually. “I’m not completely over that it took you three years.” I remind her bitterly.

“I shut down that night you broke up with me,” Lexi says catching me off guard. “I wanted to run after you, but I couldn’t even manage to get up.” She says laughing, it isn’t a happy kind of laugh or even mocking, it is sad and heartbreaking. “I’m sorry Nichkhun.” She mumbles as her voice trembles, standing up she dashes away before I can say or do anything, running up the steps.

I stand up, leaving my book on the couch, walking after Lexi. I take deliberate steps, as I climb the stairs I find myself at a loss. The angry part of me isn’t so angry, I already know her trail of thought, how she justified those three years.

I knock on Lexi’s door, when she doesn’t answer I turn the knob, entering I find her huddled on the ground in front of the bed. Closing the door behind me I walk around the room to my Lexi. Seeing her in a devastated state hurts, more than I thought possible, I take a seat next Lexi, carefully and wrap an arm around her. “I’m angry with you, but not enough to deny you.” I tell her quietly. “You can be so stubborn and stupid.” I mutter kissing the top of her head. “You don’t have to make yourself suffer to atone for everything; there are other ways to make up for your mistakes.” I tell her gently. “An apology, spending time with others, making little steps towards whatever it is you want. Stop putting yourself though all this crap.” I demand hugging her close to me.

Lexi sniffles, when I look down at her I can tell, what I’ve said makes sense, but she isn’t sure how to really put it into action. “You’ve always taken care of me,” She mumble blinking away some tears, I reach over wiping them away for her. “When you found out about my mom and what was going on you stayed with me, let me cry, let me get it all out.” She continues on her bottom lip trembling. I don’t interrupt her, I just let her talk. “When Jay and I were fighting you always made things a bit easier gave me a little advice, you’ve always cared about me and I couldn’t give you two seconds. You were right.” I furrow my brow, unable to place when I said anything like that. “It was during our fight.” She mumbles quietly, “The night you left, that’s what we were fighting about, well partly.”

I stare at Lexi completely blown away, everything I’d said probably stuck with her, while I tried forget she was wallowing in that misery. “I shouldn’t have said any of what I did that night,” I say ashamed of it. My anger now seeming unjust, thinking about the things I’d said to her, how unfair I’d been, I can understand why Lexi hadn’t contacted me afterwards. “I’m sorry.”

She surprises me by shaking her head. “We’re supposed to be honest in relationships, it was like a splash of cold water, while I knew back then I wasn’t giving you the time I should have, I wasn’t looking at other things, just at the job at hand. It wasn’t all your fault or mine, it was just finding the right time, while I wasn’t looking and you were.” Lexi looks back down at her lap, the way her shoulders are hunched I can tell how bothered she is by all of it. “I wish I’d paid more attention.”

I rub my hand against her arm, hating how she’s feeling, hating that I caused it. “I thought about you a lot, I spent a lot of time wondering why you hadn’t contacted me, I spent a lot of time forgetting what happened that night, I didn’t want to remember yelling at you, how angry I’d been, the words that we’d said. It makes me feel sick just knowing I said it and how much it’d affected you.”

I feel Lexi’s hands on my face suddenly. “Nichkhun,” She says slowly, getting my attention more, opening my eyes I see her staring at me in her gentle way. “You’ve always had an affect one me, no matter what.”

I reach up taking my hand over hers, pulling them away I watch as she stares at them watching as my hands cup hers, the way her face changes to relief as I pull her finger tips to my lips, I kiss them. “And you’ve always affected me.” I whisper honestly. It’s strange, in this small moment there isn’t anything else, just us. For the few moments we’re here together alone it’s like everything has been set aside.

Lexi sits in front of me between my legs a smile spread across her lips; it almost looks as though she’s glowing.

“I missed you,” She mumbles tenderly, a surprised look crosses her face, it’s moments like this I’d missed, the times her words would slip out without her being able to stop them, the way Lexi would blush. I miss the times we’d fight as well, but only because it’d been time with her, even if it’d been unpleasant. “I did.” She mumbles purposefully this time.

“I missed you.” I say clearly and with a smile. Standing I pull Lexi up with me; I walk us to her bed and sit down. Lexi sits next to me; I take her hand in mine. “This is the first time we’ve come back here.” I mumble enjoying the warm breeze floating in through the window.

“I was shocked when I woke up in this room,” Lexi confesses, she sounds tired, like the emotional strain we’d just got through drained her. “For a moment I actually thought it was still that same vacation.”

“We weren’t quite in love yet.” I point out slowly. “Well you weren’t,” I confess letting out a long sigh, I feel Lexi tense against me, before she can ask I decide to explain it. “I’d been falling for you since the first episode we filmed, when you came running over to me.” I confess chuckling slightly. At first I wasn’t very happy about having to hula hoop with the iron ring, but as soon as Lexi came over worried and fluttering around me I was happy. I was glad I’d gotten the ring dropped on my leg, happy that Lexi cared about me.

“That was about two months or so after I started working there,” Lexi says dazedly, almost in disbelief. “That long?” She asks looking over at me completely shocked.

I chuckle, the action catching me off guard. “Well yeah, I didn’t realize it until you came back from your walk, the one when you’d met Jay.” I mumble remembering the dread I’d felt when Wooyoung said Lexi was almost in an accident. I’d been terrified by what could have happened, what almost happened. “I realized then that I was fond of you and it was only getting stronger, it wasn’t until the night before we went to the pool, I knew then that I liked you.” I explain.

“When you said I shouldn’t take forever,” Lexi mumbles slowly. “You were the only one to really make me nervous.”

“I know,” I say chuckling, “I could tell there was something, but I wasn’t sure exactly what you thought.” I tell Lexi letting out a sigh. “I always thought there was some kind of chance, but it just seemed to get further away.”

“I’m kinda glad that everything turned out like it had, Jay made me ready for something more, for something with you.” Lexi says in a soft voice. “I’m not sure how things would have lasted if we’d dated first, I’m not sure how I’d have been able to stay if you and I had broken up like Jay and I had or anything like that.” She says in pained voice.

“How did you stay after we did?” I ask curiously, the part of me that has always been selfish about Lexi is hoping that she was waiting for us to happen again, the part that is ashamed and hates how I’d treated her hopes that it was she managed to move on for a little or anything good.

Lexi lets out a long breath, taking my hand and resting it on her lap; she it somewhat absently before she says anything. “I couldn’t leave. I didn’t want to. And while I could have gone back to Los Angeles and figured something out with Isobel or anyone of my other friends, it would have been wrong. If I was ever going to leave, I’d let you guys know.”

“Junho and Taecyeon were the one who were the most upset, well aside from me.” I tell her staring forward; though I have a feeling she already knew that. “It had been hard, when I came back Min-Jun asked what happened, the guys were all there.”

“What did you say?” Lexi asks in a quiet and strained voice, I know all of this has been hard to hear, it’s hard to say. But if Lexi is trying again for something, for another chance, then I’ll try just as hard.

“I told them we got in a fight and broke up.” I say honestly. “I didn’t really want to talk about it at all. Chansung said you started pulling back.”

“And you told him to give me the space.” Lexi whispers quietly. “I couldn’t look at him and not think of you. I tried a lot of different things to try and make me happy, well make me believe I was happy.”

“For the three years…” I say trailing off, unsure how to ask, how to ask if she’d been happy at all.

Lexi squeezes my hand tightly in response, and I know. She wasn’t. “Every time I got close to being happy it felt undeserved. I’d cut out people in my life, the only time I got really close without feeling bad was when Isobel, Moe, Mac and the others visited.” Lexi says quietly. “But even then they could tell.”

I take my hand away from Lexi; wrapping my arms around her I cradle her. “You should have moved on.” I mutter frowning as I kiss the top of her head, part of me hating it. “You should have just left me behind; I wasn’t being who you needed.”

“I love you too much.” Lexi mumbles kissing my arms. “I couldn’t just forget, I didn’t and still don’t want to.”

I'm not sure I've ever written a complete chapter in Nichkhun's point of view,
then again it would have been difficult if I was still using an unnamed OC.
I sort of wasn't sure how to get to the next chapter by the end of the last,
so it was a bit...forced out?
Also, I apologize for not updating last week.
I am changing my updating schedule and using my blog on here
to post updates. So please do check it out!
I'll be updating alternating weeks, so the next update will be on
April 21st.