AUTHOR NOTE: To all my dedicated readers, I know it has taken me a little too long to update again. Please forgive me. So many events have been happening in my life and I couldn't get the time or headspace to update a quality chapter for you, or at least I have debated to update this chapter--trying to scrutinize it to its best state. But now I have it ready!

A big reason why this took me too long to update was that I had written a lot of parts of this chapter before December 18 (SHINee Jonghyun's death). I was really grieved to hear the news for he was my favorite male artist. If you notice, I had ended the scene of chapter 17 in front of Jonghyun with the intention of elaborating his role in Key's life here in Chapter 18. I had written lines that he himself says in the story that subtly hit the cruel reality of his actual celebrity life and grievances before even knowing how true it was. It was like I had written a tribute to him weeks before he even left (and the fact that he died on the 18th when this itself is CH18 made it worse). It somewhat scared me that I had to back away for a while. And when I came back occassionally to write this, I couldn't help but carefully scrutinize this chapter again and again in order not to portray him or anyone in the wrong light.

For those who are SHINee fans, or just anyone having a hard time with loss, whether it'd be out of betrayal, sickness, circumstances, guilt, or misunderstanding, I hope you find at least some comfort in this chapter.

CHAPTER 18 Forgive Me

      A few months before, just after school, Jonghyun caught Key on a corner of the gym scribbling things on a quiz paper that they did earlier that day. He found it strange for Key to suddenly be writing things down all by himself since he liked being around people a lot. So he swooped down without warning to sit with him and took a peek at what he was writing.

      “What are you doing?” Jonghyun smirked.

      “WAH! You scared me,” Key flinched on his seat and turned the sheet of paper away from his friend. Jonghyun didn’t miss what he has written down though.

      “‘U?’ What is that?” he snickered. “Are you writing a song?”

      “Wha- Hm. Hey. Go away, Jonghyun,” Key stuttered and elbowed him roughly.

      “Wooooohh writing a song, eh? How unlikely of you!” Jonghyun smirked and laughed. “C’mon, let me see!” He reached out for the paper but Key stretched his arm farther away from him.

      “Hey-no, stop!” Key started to feel embarrassed. He didn’t want anyone to find out that he was writing a song for the first time ever in his life, especially it being a love song for Eunji. And of all people, he didn’t want to show it to Jonghyun, especially since the guy has written and composed great songs before that won singing competitions. His novice creation would probably be so bad compared to his.

      Soon enough, Taemin spotted them fighting over the papers and approached them. While Key was so distracted getting it far away from Jonghyun’s hand, Taemin was able to snatch it from him.

      “WOAH—HEY!” Key was caught off guard that Taemin was suddenly in the picture and the two friends stumbled on each other. Out of frustration, Key pushed Jonghyun away from him and Jonghyun laughed his head off.

      “U? Wow, Key, I knew it!” Taemin covered his mouth and laughed at him. “I was right about you!”

      “About what?” Key rolled his eyes. He reached out for the papers, but Taemin kept it away from him. Key just covered his face out of embarrassment and gave up.

      “Is it any good?” Jonghyun asked as he stared at Taemin reading the paper.

      “It could be better,” Taemin shrugged and then said, “It’s pretty nice, though.”

      “Ugh, you guys! Can you please just give it back to me?” Key said. Taemin then handed it to Jonghyun as he ignored what Key just said.

      As soon as it got on Jonghyun’s hands, he read out loud, “‘I couldn’t bear to say that I like you. Being by your side was good enough. Yes, should I muster up some cour—’”

      “HEY!!! STOOOP!!!” Key tried to cover Jonghyun’s eyes and snatch the paper away again, but Jonghyun escaped him and stood beside Taemin, continuing to read the things Key has written so far.

      “I’m telling you I want you, I’m telling you I love you,” Jonghyun’s laugh got louder as he read. Key wanted to die out of embarrassment because of how cheesy it sounded.

      “Woah, Key, who is this about?” Jonghyun smirked. “I didn’t know you had such affection for someone!”

      “I’m just writing a song. Does it even have to be about someone?” Key grumbled.

      “When people write love songs like this, it’s usually about someone,” Jonghyun smirked.

      “I know! I know!” Taemin said with his chin up as if proud to know it before anyone else. “It’s Eunji.”

      Key found it unbelievable that Taemin was able to say it so loud and clear instead of just whispering it to Jonghyun. “OH-MY-GOD TAEMIN. SSSHH!”

      “Ooohhh, the girl asking for possible bachelors for her mom all the time?”

      “For your information, it’s the girl with the most amazing voice I’ve ever heard and the girl who has the greatest heart of all,” Key said.

      “Hey, what does that make me, then?” Jonghyun joked. “You said I had the greatest voice of all.”

      “Well—tch… besides you, okay,” Key rolled his eyes.

      “I go to a youth group with her,” Taemin added. “I’m pretty close to her ever since we were kids so I know.”

      “Know what?” Key snarled.

      “Know when someone is interested in her,” Taemin snickered. “And I’m close with you, too, so I know you like her. Besides, who else would that song be about but her?”

      “Tch, just because you’re dating Na Eun now, you feel like an expert, huh,” Key scoffed. “You feel like you know everything.”

      “Then are you denying that you like her?” Taemin crossed his arms. “You know I’m very right.”

      “C’mon just admit it, bro. I mean I don’t think Eunji’s pretty bad,” Jonghyun said. “We’re not a pack of wolves. We’re you’re friends. Don’t we deserve to know if you like someone?”

      “Hm. I don’t know about that. You guys were a pack of wolves just seconds ago.”

      “Oh c’mon, you know we were just playing. On a serious note, we could actually help you out with composing this.”

      Key gave it a second thought and stuttered, “R-really…?”

      “I have to admit, it’s pretty good already. I definitely want to hear how it goes,” Jonghyun said. “I’ve written stuff way cringe-ier than this, so don’t worry.”

      “See, coming from Jonghyun the music genius, that’s something,” Taemin said.

      “I’m still inexperienced with romance, though I do know how to think of the moods and structures of songs,” Jonghyun added. “Taemin and Minho can help you with finishing up the words. I’ll be the composer.”

      “Wait, Minho? He doesn’t even know romance,” Key scoffed.

      “Oh, he does,” Jonghyun smirked. “We can discuss that later. But anyway, I guess it’d be enough if Taemin helped since he knows Eunji more than all of us. And he’s the only guy dating someone. I mean can you believe it? He’s dating before any of us and he’s like the most-girly looking boy around.”

      “I am not!” Taemin pouted.

***

      After Key dropped Eunji off at the studio to be with Mr. Kim, he went straight to Jonghyun’s house just as they planned earlier that day. Taemin, Minho, and Sulli were all there. They went up to his room and Sulli, being there for the first time, marveled at the music equipment sitting on every corner. There was an upright electric keyboard, a minty-green bass guitar leaning on a large amp, a starburst Les Paul beside it, and an acoustic guitar sitting at his bed. There were different kinds of wires under his desk that connected to his laptop. There was also a mini MIDI piano keyboard to top it all off. It made everyone there feel like it was not a bedroom but a small recording studio.

      “You even have a box drum!?” Sulli pointed to what Key decided to sit on. “Oh man, Jonghyun, this place is so cool! You’re really serious about being a musician, huh.”

      “These are all a bunch of second-hand instruments from my uncle. But yeah, it’s been my passion. Whether it’d be just composing or me actually performing them, music is what keeps my life.”

      “Speaking of composing, why don’t we finish Key’s song today since we’re already here with your awesome instruments?” Taemin said.

      “Wait, Key has a song?” Minho snickered.

      Instead of finding it ridiculous, Sulli thought it was intriguing, “Oh, really? You haven’t told us. I wanna hear it!”

      Key just sighed. It was still embarrassing for him to reveal that he has written a love song, but he did want it to be completed. And who would be better to complete it with but with his musically talented friends Jonghyun and Taemin, right?

      “I just started it earlier this morning. It’s-it’s not that good yet,” Key said as he took out the papers from his bag.

      “Oh come on, it will be good, trust me,” Jonghyun. “With our help, you will Eunji’s heart, no worries!”

      Key was again flustered that they mentioned Eunji again so carelessly especially since Sulli and Minho didn’t know about it yet.

      “Eunji!” Sulli burst into laughter. “Hold on, really? Eunji?”

      “You like Eunji?” Minho laughed in astonishment, too.

      “Fine—yeah, I like Eunji. What’s so wrong about that?” Key pouted, thinking they were laughing because they didn’t find Eunji all that special when in fact that is not what they thought at all.

      “Of course it’s not. Eunji’s an amazing person,” Sulli said. “It’s just quite surprising that you like her. That girl has no heart for boys. She’s even like a boy herself.”

      “Yeah, she’s manlier than Taemin,” Minho said earning a death glare from Taemin.

      “What do you like about her?” Sulli asked.

      “Well—I… Do you really need a reason? I mean just everything about her makes me… makes me happy,” Key stammered. “She has an awesome voice, she’s pretty, her smile is like the brightest thing ever, she plays and jokes well with me, she’s a little rough on the outside but she’s very compassionate, understanding, and wise, and I don’t know… I could go on, really. And she doesn’t, like, bring me down for things that I find enjoyable even though it’s a bit… I don’t know… She’s just so cool.”

      “Oh wow,” Minho nodded. “Not many guys have a crush on her—I’m surprised you of all people see her that way.”

      “Yeah, it’s my first time hearing such admiration for her,” Taemin said. “What started it?”

      “I’m not really so sure myself,” Key wondered. “But I think… I think it’s just recently that I feel like I’ve fallen deep for her—like I genuinely feel like I want to care for her. I’ve had a crush on her for a long while but... it’s just these days that I actually want to make her happy and you know, make her laugh or something. Like I want to be there for her often, you know? But I’m just worried if it shows… she’ll find me creepy and you know, shun me. I don’t think I’m her type.”

      “You’re worried she won’t feel the same way, huh?” Sulli said.

      “Yeah. She just knows me as the loud and crazy kid running around school and occasionally visiting her lunch table. I mean we are neighbors and we have been hanging out more than we ever did in our time of knowing each other, but… I’m just scared.”

      “Hmm, I was thinking about that too, but to be honest, I think her feelings for you are not far off,” Taemin suddenly said. “I feel like she likes you more than you think.”

      “What makes you think that?” Key asked.

      “You’re a fun guy, Key, and she has told me before that she does likes having you around. I don’t think she would let you in her house so often if she didn’t like hanging out with you. So it’s probably possible for her to share the same feelings. I mean you never know until you actually make a move, right?”

      “But the thing is, I don’t want to start anything too soon, you know? If it turns out she doesn’t have feelings for me, what am I gonna do? I would make it weird for the both of us. We haven’t even been friends that long, Taemin.”

      “Regardless of that thought,” Jonghyun said. “I bet you when we finish this song, she will love it so much and find new light in you.”

      “Are you sure about that?”

      “Although you are pretty crazy most of the time as you said, this could actually work and show how much of an affectionate person you are,” Jonghyun said. “And if it doesn’t work out—if it turns out she really doesn’t like you, then her loss, right? She’s gonna miss out on a really good guy!”

      “No, it’s my loss, not hers, because I want her to be in my life, not vice versa,” Key said. “Gosh Jonghyun, you really have no experience, do you?”

      “Look, all I’m saying is, isn’t it better if you confess to her with a song? You know… just to see how she would react. She is a singer after all. You can just casually sing it for her and let her think for herself what it all means. You don’t have to be so direct about it that it’s about her. So it’s gonna be good. Trust me.”

      “Why are you so sure this can win her heart?”

      “I made it work for the both of them, didn’t I?” Jonghyun pointed to Sulli and Minho and the two were flustered by what he said. Taemin and Key stared at the two in disbelief.

      “Wait… you guys are a thing?” Key’s mouth dropped.

      “Um…” Minho glanced at Sulli and gulped.

      Sulli, who was right beside Jonghyun, slapped him on his arm. “I told you we should be the one to reveal it, not you!” she scolded him.

      “Wow, okay, what is going on,” Key laughed. “How come Taemin and I know nothing of this?”

      “Sulli came to me wanting to make a song for Minho and—” before he could finish his sentence, Sulli covered his mouth and tried to headlock him. After rustling away from Sulli’s grip, Jonghyun said laughing, “Minho fell for Sulli with a song I wrote and composed. I have talent with songs, guys.”

      “So you both are dating right now?” Taemin said while looking at Sulli and Minho. “Wow it feels weird to be at this age. I never knew you’d both be a thing.”

      “Well, I pretty much expected they’d be together right from the moment they met each other. But you, I never knew you’d have a girlfriend, too, out of all people,” Jonghyun pointed to Taemin. “You’re the girliest.”

      “Oh come on,” Taemin rolled her eyes. “I’m not girly!”

      “You do realize that makes you the only loner in our group now, Jonghyun,” Minho chuckled.

      “LONER AND PROUD,” Jonghyun bragged.

      “I’m still here for you, Jonghyun,” Key said. “We could be loners together.”

      “Aw, Key,” Jonghyun flashed a warm smile towards his friends then snickered. “But it’d be nice if I can be the cupid around here. I don’t care about being in a relationship yet as all of you guys do, but I do find all of this entertaining. So I’m still going to help you in winning Eunji’s heart.”

      “Isn’t it weird that you want us to pay more attention to our girlfriends than hang out with you?” Taemin wondered.

      “Now who says I wanted that?!” Jonghyun pouted. “I want you guys to be happy with your relationships, but I don’t want you all to forget that I played a big role. As I said, I’m the cupid here! It’d be nice to have some achievements in winning people’s hearts with my song before I actually become a well-known musician! And I mean if any of the people I became cupid for actually gets married in the future, I’ll be convinced that my songs have a potential to be very successful.”

      “If we finish my song and it works to win Eunji’s heart in some way, then I’ll treat you to something nice. I will repay you well in the future, especially if you become interested in someone. I will forever remember your help because you are a great bro.”

      “See, Key understands my place,” Jonghyun said. “Thanks, man. That actually means a lot.”

 

      “Jonghyun, I… I’m so, so sorry,” Key heavily breathed out after recalling that day Jonghyun and his friends worked very hard on the song ‘U’. After all this time, it was them who helped give him courage to confess to Eunji—it was them who made the song that gave him comfort in his coma. They played a big role and bringing him and Eunji together and how did he repay them? He ignored their presence and basically convinced himself that they all meant nothing to him. Now he realizes what a fool he has been. Eunji was right to scold him all this time. He wept bitterly feeling so ashamed of how he treated his friends. He fell on his knees as the guilt weighed heavily on his shoulders.

      Jonghyun felt awkward not knowing what to do. He was too stunned to see him kneeling there let alone process what just came out of his mouth. What was going on? What was this about? Why was he crying? Why was he here after he treated them so coldly for the past few months?

      “Who is it?” said a girl coming from behind him. It was Sulli. When she saw Key sobbing in front of Jonghyun, she approached him and also became speechless to see him there. “Key… what are you doing here?”

      Key was too emotionally stressed to answer. He couldn’t even find the strength to look at them in the eyes.

      Jonghyun’s heart broke seeing his friend on his knees so he helped him stand up. He softly patted Key’s shoulder and said, “Why don’t you come in?”

      Slowly but hesitantly, Key stepped in Jonghyun’s home. When Jonghyun closed the door, Sulli softly hugged Key and he continued to cry on her shoulders. Sulli then tried to wipe his tears with her hands and asked, “What’s wrong Key? Why are you crying so much?”

      “I… how could you both let me in so easily like this?” he sniffed.

      “What do you mean? We’re you’re friends, Key. Of course we’ll let you in any day,” Jonghyun said without wavering. Because of those words, Key sobbed even harder. Hearing that they still accepted him as their friend didn’t make any sense to him, but it meant a lot to him.

      “Why don’t we go up to Jonghyun’s room and talk there?” Sulli softly caressed his back to give him comfort. And so the three of them went up to Jonghyun’s room. There Minho was playing with the beat pad of Jonghyun’s MIDI piano keyboard and he immediately stood up when Key came in.

      Key, red and miserable from crying, tried to control his tears and the three waited patiently for him to calm down. When Key has stopped crying for a while, Sulli gently started, “What brings you here, Key?”

      “I… I just wanted to say I’m… I’m sorry. For everything.”

      “What do you mean?” Sulli asked.

      “For these past few months, I’ve been treating you all so badly. But now… now I remember. I remember who guys are to me.”

      “You do?” Minho’s eyes widened.

      “I’ve been with Eunji all this time because she was the only person I remember well, but recently… she did things to me that I couldn’t understand before.”

      “Is that why you guys have been cold to each other today?” Jonghyun asked. “What did she do? Did she hurt you?” he said with his voice hinting anger.

      “No, no… It’s my fault. Don’t be angry at her. Please…”

      “How could I not be? She’s been stealing you from us,” Jonghyun growled but then Sulli held his arm to tell him not to let his bitterness and jealousy overtake him.

      “No, she didn’t steal me from anyone. I was the one being stubborn. I was the one who didn’t want anyone else but her. Don’t hold anything against her. If you need someone to be angry at, be angry at me.”

      “What do you mean?” Jonghyun tensed up hearing Key blame himself.

      “Eunji… she has been caring about you guys a lot more than anyone else,” Key said. “She has been telling me for the longest time—ever since I woke up from my coma—not to hate you guys for wanting to hang out with me. She had often tried to convince me to spend time with all of you but… I was stubborn because I didn’t… I didn’t know you. And I… I thought I didn’t want to.” Jonghyun realized that he had been angry at Eunji for the wrong reasons and tried to calm himself down.

      “Recently, she had been keeping herself busy and I couldn’t understand why she was doing it but now, I get it. She wanted me to realize that… that you guys are still my friends and that… and that you guys still matter—that you guys should matter to me. So I’m… I’m so, so sorry,” he started to tear up again and Minho patted his back to assure him that it was alright.

      “We forgive you,” Sulli said. “Besides, we understand that it’s only because you couldn’t remember us. We kind of understood how hard it was for you—to act like someone you can’t be, or couldn’t be yet. But now that you do remember us, this much is enough, and it’s alright Key.”

      “Yeah. And don’t be too sorry. As long as you were happy with Eunji, we’re happy. We knew Eunji was generally a good person, so it didn’t completely bother us that you wanted to spend time with her instead,” Minho said. “She does have a good heart as you have always said before to us.”

      “B-but I thought… I thought everyone was jealous because I hung out only with her.” Key said. “Are you guys not angry at me??"

      “Yeah, we were jealous,” Jonghyun nodded. “You were our best friend. Who wouldn’t be jealous? But because of the accident, we couldn’t do anything about it. In a way, we do understand you. We can’t be angry at you for that.”

      “I’m just so sorry for treating you all like the worst people ever,” Key said. “Eunji means so much to me now and I can’t believe I would forget that you guys were the ones who helped me get closer to her.”

      “Although we did play a role, you and Eunji got closer by yourselves,” Sulli said.

      “But wait, the rumor that you guys are not in good terms today still stands. Is that still true?” Jonghyun asked.

      “Yes, it’s true. It’s because… because we argued yesterday about this very thing—how I hated her for intentionally avoiding me so that I could be in your shoes. I hated her for saying that I should give you guys a second chance. But just now, Taemin sent me the old quiz papers that had ‘U’ written at the back of it and I suddenly remembered we completed it and how much you guys worked hard and cared to make my relationship with her work. So now I feel awful for making these stubborn mistakes towards everyone.”

      “It’s okay, Key. Honestly, we haven’t been the greatest people ourselves. For a while now, we haven’t been as nice to Eunji as we should’ve been, and hearing this all from you now, we’re very sorry to her about that, too. If she was really trying to reconcile us as much as we wanted to reconcile with you, then we would have to say sorry to her as much as you have done today to us.” Sulli said. “What do you say? Let’s all apologize to Eunji together and thank her for all that she was trying to do.”

      “Would that be okay?” Key timidly lifted his head from crying. “It’s only been a day since Eunji and I argued. I don’t know if she would accept my apology so quickly. I think I said some harsh words to her yesterday. A-and… I don’t know how she will react when I take you all with me.”

      “Then we could… we could call Taemin to help us. He’s close to Eunji, right?” Jonghyun said. “If he sent you that old quiz paper, he must’ve been thinking about it already.”

      “Yeah,” Sulli nodded. “Let’s not drag this to a week.”

      After a short silence, Key suddenly said, “You know what? It can wait. Let’s do it in the weekend. Right now, I want to make up for the time we’ve lost together.”

      The three were a little bit surprised at his sudden proposal but they couldn’t deny it since this was all they wanted after a long time. And so they hung out in Jonghyun’s room talking about the things they have missed together. They were all together until the day ended.

 

 

      It’s been two restless days after TaeYeon stormed off of Tiffany’s house that one afternoon. Tiffany’s heart had slightly become lighter after finding out the actual story of TaeYeon’s dream, but the strange low of energy she’s been having seems to be getting worse. Her head