~Please read~ A/N: Hi there, before we go on with the first chappy. I want to warn people who do read this.This fanfiction does involve self harm. So if self harm does cause some trigger emotions/thoughts I really advise you not to read this. Thank you and enjoy~

“Chanyeol!” I called desperately as my feet halted, letting the wind knock out of me. My lungs tried to cling to the only air in my body as I let out a long gasp making my hands clutch to my knees.

 “Come on wimp!” My eyes squinted to peer at the tall giant that loomed over me, “This is the only time we can hang out and you’re catching your breath?”

About to stick my tongue out at him, I straightened my figure and punched him forcefully in the arm, “Watch it.” I muttered, my eyes fluttered to the way my breath swirled out in front of me. Frosted shapes taking shape before disappearing into the still air. “Couldn’t we have, I don’t know, hanged inside?”

He let out a wild laugh, "Like you would want to hang out with the rest of EXO."

"Better than freezing!" The tall giant wrapped an arm around my feeble shoulders. "Y-yah!" I stuttered from the sudden action, or perhaps it really was the freezing cold in Seoul that made me stutter shamelessly. But I could feel the betraying blush swarming my cheeks and I could feel Chanyeol's gaze on me. "What you looking at?"

Chanyeol smiled a bit wider before his grip around my shoulders tightened, "Come on Yunnie, let's get you warmed up."

Giving another good shove in the gut causing him to lurch forward, "Yunhee." That was one thing I hated about Chanyeol, the silly nickname he made up for me during our younger years. Way before he was an idol, even before millions of fans knew his names, when things were so simpler. Before I became... so screwed up. "Let's go Yeolie."

With a dramatic groan he pretended to collapse, his long legs stumbling. "No, no not that name!" My lips pulled into a smile as I laughed. Which I even have to say is rare. I've gotten use to hiding myself from Chanyeol, he saw the normal me. Happy, content, that's what I wanted him to see. I never wanted him to see the girl in white, with the tip of her sleeves in rustic red. "Yunhee?"

"I-uh what?" His deep laugh rang in my ears, "Sorry zoned out."

"I said we're here." The shop was dense and short, and inside no one was there. I would hope not at three in the morning. He placed his massive hand on the door knob, "Ladies first?" Humoring him I politely bowed and stepped in, and instantly I felt my body relax from the warmness. At the counter stood an older woman who was organizing tea bags in place. "Ah, good morning Ahjumma!"

Peeking up at Chanyeol I saw his gentle face smile to the woman in such a familiar way. "Hello Chanyeol! The usual would it be?"

He bowed his head, and smiled happily. "Yes please," This time he caught me looking and butted me with his hip playfully. "So I get around a lot, such a shocker?"

As we walked to a table and sat down, I couldn't help the bubbling giggles about to burst from my lips. "I think you even going out is a surprise." I called, taking my heavy coat off. Not before I made sure my long sleeve shirt was tugged down to my mid palm. Don't loose it now.

☂

From minutes, turned to hours. We talked as the early sun now turned into a warm morning. "Tell me how you are doing," Chanyeol interrupted, most of the conversation has been about him. It usually always is. "How's photography? You got the internship at 'Show Champion' right?"

Beyond my flattering smile, I was screaming. "It's good, really good!" I broke two cameras on my first day. "Everyone is really supportive," After my first hour of working the the lead photographer asked how was it even possible someone like me could have gotten the internship. "But it is nothing to really brag about."

Chanyeol shook his head, sweeping his bangs to the side, "Yes it is! After those endless hours of studying you nailed your dream internship!" His hand fell on mine, "Tell me how can you not brag about that?"

Because I won't have that internship for much longer. "Y-yeah!" I took a gulp of my coffee the steam fogging my glasses causing me to pull back. Chanyeol let out a laugh as I pulled my hand away from his grasp to clean them. "Very funny," I muttered under my breath. Before I placed them back on the bridge of my nose I caught again the weird amused stare he would give me. "Hey why are you watching me."

He gave a smile and shrugged softly. "Ready to go?" Please I don't want to go home.

"Mhm, let's leave." As he paid, I fixed my coat, fastening the buttons exceptionally slow not ready to be thrown back into reality. I felt Chanyeol lanky body near mine and I hurried to finish placing the shiny golden keys into their locks.

The door squeaked open and we began to head towards my "apartment" another lie I have fed to Chanyeol over the years. "You're going right?"

"Huh? Going where?" I asked, I leaned to the side to look up at him. "Did you invite me somewhere?"

Chanyeol rolled his eyes and he rubbed my head with his palm, causing the ebony colored strands to fly at different angles. "Don't you check your email?" Which one? "I sent you tickets to one of EXO's performances, I want you there."

"O-oh!" My cheeks heated again and I stuffed my hands in my pockets, "I have to see, I may be busy." Or hiding, Chanyeol why did you invite me? "I'll let you know okay?" Our steps slowed as we stood in front of a building of polished apartments.

"Here we are," Chanyeol said sadly looking up, "But we will see each other in two weeks right?"

I nodded, "Yeah!" The warm arms that I remember wrap around me, his body taking over mine. My short five three figure was nothing compared to his. My arms wrapped around his neck tightly as I stood on my tippy toes, and placed my face into his chest as much as I could with my glasses. "Bye Chanyeol." With his hand my hair it was a silent goodbye. Sometimes our visits would go for weeks, months, maybe this time it would be longer.

Then he left and I walked up the steps to the luxurious apartments. I paused before I entered making sure he was gone. A breath of relief rushed out before I stuffed my hands in my pocket and made my way down the alley. To a lower key of apartments, the blue door peeling and scraped, the shower always on cold, the endless flickering lights.

Every time Chanyeol left he took away young Kim Yunhee. Passing through the threshold I smelled the bitterness of blood that still was on the ridge of the tub, the endless bills piled high and the endless x marks on photographs that have been denied. It was hell. My whole life was hell. For so many years I overdressed the truth and changed that now I was living in my own illusion and the specks of life fluttering in my vision.

Now I was back in the crammed apartment, back to the long hours at work, and a decaying life. I walked to the answering machine to see one new message. I regrettably clicked it. "Hello there, this is Ms. Kim Park Su from the Young Woman Help Center. We have traced this number to one of the numbers that called our Suicidal Hotline, and we are here to see if you need any help-"

The cord was now ripped out of the jack, and my shoulders heaved up and down. "God, I can't even cry." I spat out to myself in the quiet room. There was numbness. I needed Chanyeol but he was gone. I needed to feel.

There was only one way to feel.

A/N: Thank you for reading ^^ Also if you are ever do have suicidal thoughts, depression or have self harm. Please reach out to a Help Hotline. Trust me, it will help you.