A Crystal Shatters

The next morning, I was lying in bed flat on my chest and with both hands snuggled underneath the pillow, when the vibrations of my phone against the mattress woke me up. I don’t even remember falling asleep. The cloth of the pillow right underneath my cheek was moist. I had dragged myself to bed after crying in the hallway for about half an hour, and then cried even more once I was already in bed. I must have cried myself to sleep last night, how moronic. I would have never pictured me to be that girl. I struggled to pull one of my hands from under the pillow; it was tingling and it almost felt like it had fallen asleep. I reached out towards the phone and groggily brought the screen to my eyes. Sulli was calling me, but I didn’t pick up fast enough so the call dropped.  I groaned, as I let go of the phone and it gently dropped over my face. The phone vibrated again, a short vibration this time. It was a text message from Sulli.

Ssul:
                “Pick up! You never messaged us that you got back home okay.”

Because I wasn’t okay. I haven’t been okay. I’m not okay.
I rolled over onto my back, and lifted the phone above my head to reply to her text “I’m sorry, Ssul… I didn’t want to bother you all so late. It was just anemia. Why aren’t you in the dorm?” It wasn’t just anemia.

Ssul:
                “I’m glad you’re okay! Choiza said he wanted to relieve my stress before our last performance tonight… kekekeke…”

As expected… I replied “Jealous! And the others?”

Ssul:

                “I think Vic had a shoot and Luna was seeing about a Musical she’s interested in.”

Ssul:

                “Get a lot of rest, and be sure to be ready for tonight, Soojungah!

That’s right… we still have one more performance tonight, and then the radio interview in the morning tomorrow.  I thought I had swept and picked up all of my pieces when Amber left, but I’m still constantly falling apart every second of the day… parts of me that I never even knew I had until I see them hitting the floor.  And I’m not allowed to simply call off as sick. Is heartbreak even considered a legitimate illness? Is heartbreak even real or am I just imagining everything? This pain in my chest that hasn’t gone away sure feels real enough. Though, who am I kidding? I fainted last night partly due to my anemia, and M-Town will still have me perform tonight. I’m existing in intervals and the company does not even care. My grieving is spaced out, I can’t recall my meals, and I’m falling asleep and waking without knowing the when and how… I’m a breathing and walking debris. And I have to do it all in between performances. Do it all in between it all.  I didn’t even set an alarm for this morning… I probably wouldn’t have woken up if Sulli hadn’t called me.

“I definitely will! =D” I replied, trying to play the part of the Jack-o-Lantern that I was now certain I had fully become. My insides torn to pieces, empty, but I needed to smile on the outside because others expected it. Everyone expects it, especially from me. I shove my phone underneath my pillow, and curl up on my side facing the wall. I knew that I could wake up and go on about the day, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay in bed facing this wall, and force myself to fall back asleep so I could just stop feeling for a few extra hours. When I’m awake, my brain is awake, and when my brain is awake, she’s the only thing on it, and when she’s on it and I’m alone, all my brains wants to do is cry; and when she’s on it and I’m not alone, my brain is on overdrive constantly trying to fight back the tears… I could feel them gathering all around my eyes again, when I suddenly heard a knock on my door.

“Coming…” I said softly right after clearing my throat. I patted down my hair, and walked over towards the door to partly open it and peak my head towards the side.  It was Jessica…

“What do you want?” I felt anger, but I wasn’t able to fully express it because the hurt and pain I felt was overwhelming any other feeling I could possibly have. Why was she here?
“Can I come in?” her tone was mildly apologetic, but still trying to maintain some kind of sternness.
“Like hell you can… what do you want?” I insisted again.
“We need to talk.” Her tone had now really become apologetic, as she slightly looked downwards. Still, recalling how she had basically began treating me exactly how mom was treating me, I felt no sympathy.
“I have nothing to say to you…” I maintained my stance, making sure to hold the door firmly from opening further.
“Well, I need to say some things to you. Please?”
“Wow… begging. So unlike you.” Not exactly sympathy… but I felt pity in a way, as I then removed myself from the door. I didn’t bother to open it myself, as I gave Jessica my back and made my way towards my bed.  I sat at the corner, butterfly style.
“Can I sit?” she asked, as she approached me near the bed.
“Sure… not like you’re giving me much choice here.” I said in a mildly annoyed sigh. My eyes slightly looked over towards her and then away and down towards the bed. What did she want to talk to me about? Amber isn’t here anymore… what else could she possibly make me feel like a Jack-o-Lantern about… She sat upright near me on the bed, both feet on the floor, and her hands folded neatly over her lap.
“Krystal…” she began; there was a suspenseful pause, as if she was hesitating to say what she wanted to say. “… how are you feeling?” her tone increasingly becoming more and more apologetic.
I folded in my lips and released them with a slight popping sound, as I was still looking down towards the bed. “Stabilized.”
“That’s… a weird mood to respond with.” Jessica said with a slight scoff.
“I’ve been feeling pretty weird overall lately… so…” I said, a little under my breath.
“I meant… since last night. You know… I was really worried about you… from fainting and all.”
“If you were only worried about me fainting last night, you could have just texted me… you know? Either way, I’m fine, I’m…”

JungSis Tears and Laughter

“I’m sorry.” She blurted as she interrupted me. I turned and looked upwards towards her, her face looking down onto her lap. “This is my fault. What you’re feeling right now… it’s my fault… and I’m so, so sorry.” Her voice shivered.
“You have no idea… what I’m feeling.” My eyes were coldly fixated onto her.
“Unfortunately, I know all too well what heartache looks like...” she objected.
“Just… shut up, please… I don’t know wh