Simple Yet Not

"Annyeong, Luna ya!"
"Annyeong, Sulli ya!"
"Annyeong, Victoria ya!"
"Annyeong, Krystal ya!"
"Uhh... Annyeong... Amber ya...  and we are f(x)!"
"Ohhhhh Ambah!" said the MC, after we all introduced ourselves. "Ambah is very, very handsome oppa, no?" I laughed awkwardly, as I turned to look at Krystal to find out what the hell he just said.
"Ambah-unnie, not oppa..." Krystal corrected the MC, speaking for me. I nodded at the MC, as I understood that.
"Ah I see, so both you and Krystal can understand each other best out of the whole group, right? Why is that?" the MC asked, we both nodded.
"We're both the only two Americans in the group. We're both from California." I explained.
"Ohhh you both grew up together?"
"Well, no... she was in the north, I was in the south..." I explained.
"Ohhh I see, I see... so yeah, now that I see you up close, you are definitely a girl!" we all laughed awkwardly.
"Yeah... and I understand why people would say that I'm a boy... but everyone, I'm not a boy." I said with a nervous smile.

"So, that confession, doesn't make much sense..." he continued, as he made mention to the article on the newspaper. Apparently, homophobia is so predominant in South Korea, that the mere idea seemed almost impossible to them after knowing that I'm now a girl. Both me and Krystal explained our argument once again, and they bought it quite fast...
"Ahh I see! American culture, everybody!" he said. "So, all in all -- No,  Amber is not a boy! And just to leave things 'crystal clear' -- no pun intended -- she is not a lesbian either!" Shortly after, he began to interview the rest of the members... "Alright! Let's hear it for f(x) everybody!" he said as he concluded the interview.
 

Swoosh, like the sound of a perfect three pointer, as the ball gracefully goes through the basket. Swoosh, like the sound of the wheels on my skateboard, as they glide through a perfectly smoothed sidewalk... Swoosh -- her hair brushed across my cheek gently as the doors of the stadium opened, releasing the compressed air of the room... as she walked past me. Her scent infused hair of French Lavender and Wild Rose -- I know, because she buys that same brand every time, without fail -- drove me into a fine frenzy.

A thousand urges. A million desires. A billion and one ways that wouldn't stop crossing my mind... ways in which I wanted to love her. Each one suppressed out of respect towards our friendship... buried so deep.  But she had a shovel this whole time... it took her a while to use it, but surely she did, and I can no longer contain myself when I see her.

I want her.

I want her bad. So bad, and I really don't think she's aware as to what extent... I don't think she's aware of the fact that I don't just want to kiss her lips... but every single inch of her, every crescent, every curve, every edge... count every single one of her eyelashes, as she falls asleep in my embrace... right after watching her reach the highest of highest es... caused by me... 

I shook my head slightly, as I saw her walk in front of me, and here I am silently desiring her.  I gulped, as I felt the nerves reach my throat... What's wrong with me? Surely, she has no idea where to go from here... from confession to what? And if she knew all of my thoughts...? I'd probably scare her away.

I made sure we walked behind everyone else. As soon as I sensed all eyes away from us, I rushed in from behind her, and I placed my hands on both sides of her waist, sliding them down to her hips slowly.
"Amber...!" Krystal whispered, as she gasped in response.
"How are you dressing me up tonight?" I asked her, as we started entering the Incheon Munhak Stadium.
"Hmmm... not sure, a skirt might look great on you..." she responded, as she placed a finger on her chin, slightly looking up, as if she was picturing it in her head.
"That'll be the day..." I said with a chuckle.
"A pink one... perfect." she said, as she looked at me from behind her shoulder with a flirtatious smirk.
"No... not perfect." I pouted. "Don't play..."
"Then..."  she placed her hands over mine, which were still holding her hips "... behave." she finished saying with a light giggle, as she removed my hands from her hips. She then skipped away quickly to catch up to the rest of the crowd, but she made sure to hold her stare at me as she left. I did the same...

No experience, huh? But definitely has no trouble at all playing hard to get...

It's moments like these that enchant me, more and more. These little moments, where a single smile is an open encyclopedia. I can hear everything in her smiles, I become enraptured in her smiles, hypnotized...
 
I bit my bottom lip, as I rushed to her side, bumped my hip discreetly with hers. She turned around to look at me, and giggled. I smiled back shyly... I didn't know what to do or what not to do. I didn't know what to say... I just --
"I really want to kiss you again..." I whispered. In actuality, I wanted to tell her more... but I couldn't bring myself to say another word.  She rolled in her lips, and blushed.
"Not being cocky anymore?" she whispered back, in a teasing voice.
"At the edge of begging..." I responded, barely breathing. She giggled nervously at my response, noticing the affect -- the grip she had on me.  
"There's this thing called 'dissimulating'... you at it." she said, still giggling as she glanced around making sure we weren't being watched.

"Kinda hard to not  at it around you..." I responded.  She looked at me... her eyes were glistening, as if I had taken away her breath with my response.
"I really want to kiss you again, too..." she said, as her eyes followed mine, her lips pulsing, eager to slam against mine  "...and you make it so hard to not kiss you right here, right now... in front of everyone..." she finished. 

"Hey, Amber...! Here's the calling card you wanted." said Jang, as he walked back towards me and Krystal, closing in on us. His voice snapped me out of her eyes, where I had found myself sinking into, drowning... enjoying every second of it. I couldn't say a word, as I took the card in my hand, nodding simply, with a faint smile. He patted my shoulder with comfort.

"Take as long as you want, we still got plenty of time before the show, I know you miss them..." he said, with a smile.
"Thanks, Jang... but I won't really be long..." I looked up at him with a faint smile, while reaching into one of my pockets.
"No, no, no, take it as a gift." he said, as he stopped my arm from pulling out any kind of currency.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Gee... thanks man." I don't know if he's trying to just make me feel better about everything, or if he really is this nice. He gave me one last pat on the shoulder, as he started walking away giving us a thumbs up. Everyone started to spread out around the rooms, heading to their positions, to their dressers, practicing, arranging...
"You're going to call home?" Krystal asked, as she placed one arm around my shoulder, looking down at the calling card with me. I nodded.  
"Well... Jackie's cell. I don't really know where they are right now.  I doubt they'd be home anyway, even if they did end up leaving right away... and even if they were home, I wouldn't call the house phone." I said, with a faint sigh, as I looked up at Krystal. "I'd be afraid if mom picked up..." I finished.
"I'm sure -- just wait for her to hear the interview... she'll definitely..."
"She won't buy that..." I explained, as I interrupted her, looking back down at the calling card.
"Maybe she will..." I felt her fingers discreetly caressing my shoulder, as her arm was still wrapped around them. "I love you." she said, so nonchalantly, and so suddenly... out of the blue. "So, trust me. It'll be fine... everything will be fine, remember?" I froze at the sound of those three words. I stopped listening to everything else right after.
"You love me?" I looked up at her slowly, with slight surprise.​

It's Not Easy to Say 'I Love You'. 

"Well, of course I do, stupid." she said with a faint chuckle as her eyes, again, traced mine. She my bangs to the side with her free hand, her fingertips lightly grazing my forehead. I smiled slowly, but it was noticeable. A big and noticeable smile. "When you're done, come down to the dressers so I can help you pick out an outfit... mmk?" I nodded with eyes still wide, as she almost slipped away... I held her hand at the last second. She turned her glance back at me...
"I love you." I said. A timid smile traced her beautiful face, as she bit her bottom lip. She really is perfect. You know how sometimes someone will tell you 'I love you' expecting to hear it back in reply? She didn't. She said it to me without any expectation. She just wanted to let me know. She never asks for anything in return. Ever. She just loves without any conditions. Simply loves, just like she said she would... because love is supposed to be simple, right? "I know I haven't done much for you, princess... but I'm trying..." she went from a smile, to a slight frown, as she closed back into me, holding my hand in both of hers...
"Stupid... you've done more than enough... just don't stop..."
"Stop what?"
"... loving me."
"I won't." I said firmly, immediately, and almost automatically. 101% swoon. I could feel my chest almost elevate me... It's the first time we say it to each other so directly, so bluntly. Almost as if we've sealed something into permanence. I swear it's true, I'm not lying... I'm the closest I've ever been to my soul being repaired, whenever I'm breathing the same air as her...

She walked away, as I looked down at the calling card.

Reality.

"I told you things would get cleared out! Didn't I!? Gawd, that's so great to hear, Jo." Jackie's excited filled voice -- her reaction when I explained what happened during the interview. It was excitement and relief at the same time, just because I know she felt helpless yesterday. She wanted so bad to make me feel better, so fast... but didn't know how.  She especially didn't know what to say or what to do when I broke down -- when I told her how ty it is to be... this -- to be like me.
"Yeah... I guess you did tell me." I responded, a soft chuckle escaping my lips. I was excited, as well... but faded.  It was hard to concentrate on the craze that Krystal made me feel.  It was hard to concentrate on her smile, while having the thought -- the worry of facing my mom -- lingering in the back of my head.
"You don't sound as excited, though..."
"I am. I really am. It's just -- well, that's not all that's happened... have you talked to mom?"
"Oh... that." Jackie responded, as she realized what was bothering me still.
"Yeah..."  I asserted.
"I tried, but she didn't want to talk about it, and -- " Jackie began to explain.
"Where are you guys?" I interrupted.
"Still in the hotel."
"I'm surprised she didn't just get on a plane right that second, and leave you behind." I said.
"Exaggerating much?" she said, with a bit of annoyance in her voice.
"Like I said... you don't know that side of mom the way that I -- "
"Amber." Jackie said firmly, interrupting me this time. "Mom isn't perfect. She feels, just like everyone else. Yeah, she might have her temper... but she understands. She loves you. You need to know this, you need to -- "
"Then why hasn't she called me to tell me!?" I bursted.
"Because! She doesn't know how...!"  Jackie sighed. "She's not upset. She's simply... inexperienced?  I don't even know if that makes any sense -- what I'm trying to say is that she doesn't know how to go about it... I tried telling her that it wasn't like that -- tried covering the story -- but she's not clueless, ya know? She really isn't, just like you said..."
"Well, I guess this is something else I get from dad... the being clueless part."  I sighed.  "I knew it.

I told Krystal she wouldn't buy it..."  I finished.

"But she isn't mad. She's just... like I said -- she doesn't know how to talk to you about this... -- wait,  what?  You and Krystal talked about this?" Jackie asked, with a sudden realization.
"Oh... yeah... I was about to tell you. That's the additional stuff that's happened... but anyway, Krystal mentioned that maybe I should give my mom a transcript of the interview. That maybe that'll fix things with her, but I told her it wouldn't -- you know? That she wouldn't buy it, and that -- " I began to explain.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. Not that. I meant, like -- you and Krystal talked about these... attractions?" Jackie asked awkwardly, she didn't even know how to quite pose the question.
"Well... umm..." I began to speak nervously, feeling my face turn red at the thought. "Remember the gift?"
"Yeah? You didn't return it?" Jackie asked, with anticipation.
"It was her diary, dude. She basically wrote in it about -- like... all of those months -- everything we did together, everything I made her feel... she told me in her diary that she's in love with me."  I tried to summarize the diary, but nothing I would say could ever be enough to describe the many array of feelings inside of my princess' diary.  Jackie wouldn't understand. I just rushed into the main conclusion... : She's in love with me. She loves me.
"Holy. Crap. Llama!" she exclaimed softly.
"Don't start... please?" I begged her.
"Oh my god... so, has she been gay this whole time or did she turn gay?" Jackie asked, her curiosity starting to spike.
"Hmm... not that I know of..."  I wondered. "But... people don't turn gay, Jackie." I began to explain. "Plus, she could also be bi or, panual, or queer -- who knows. She doesn't have to be just gay.  All I know is that right now... it's me." I finished with a soft sigh, accidentally escaping my lips.  
"Yiieeeah... I can hear it in your voice... you sound sooooo romantic." she said with a romantic sigh, teasing me. "What happened to all of that bad--ness?" she asked.
"First of all... all of my 'bad--ness' is still available upon request. And second of all...
...
...

... damn it! Fine. I'm whipped... I admit it." I said in between my teeth. Jackie giggled.
"Wow, I'm still in shock, little Llama." she said. "So, are you guys like dating... like in secret or something?" she asked, being all nosy.
"Well... hmmm."  Now that I think about it, what are we really...? I never actually questioned it. Do we have to give it a name? Isn't it just... care, love, admiration? Lovers? Is it lovers? I'm -- holy crap. What are we? Really...!  "I... I'm not sure. I think we're something?" I finally said.
"What do you mean something?" 
"Like... I don't know. It's blurry. Nothing's definite at the moment. All I know is that we're not nothing." I explained.
"So, why don't you just ask her to be your girlfriend?" Jackie wondered.
"Well, I suppose I should. Everything just happened, though. I'd feel awkward asking her so soon -- I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? It's kind of a no-brainer, Llama. This should be the next step, without question. Oooooor, do you not feel exactly the same as her, or something?"
"No, no... you're getting me all wrong. Of course I feel the same way she does... I'm not trying to play her... I'd never do that to her -- Geez, I've never done that, period.  What kind of chick do you think I am...?" I refuted.
"Not saying you'd do something like that, and I know you never have... but you've just never been this hesitant on asking the girl out... even with Soyeon." she replied.
"Krystal said -- well, she wrote -- that, why should it have to have some kind of tag or label? It's just simple lov --"
"Because, it's a verbal commitment of how much you care about each other. You both agree to just be with each other, and no one else. It's not just a tag." Jackie explained.
"But, why do we need to make a verbal commitment if in our hearts we already -- automatically -- don't want anyone else... but each other."  I explained. Krystal's philosophy on love suddenly made so much sense to me.  As a matter of fact, hearing myself talk in that way -- I was starting to sound a lot like Krystal... I'm never really this emotive about feelings... at least out loud.
"Well... true, but -- it's also just adorable. Same as when you tell each other 'I love you'. You both know you love each other, but it's nice to hear it." Jackie attempted to make sense of it.
"I mean -- I guess..." slightly confused on how both ideas made decent amount of sense. I didn't know what route to take... "Well, it's also because Krystal doesn't like cliché stuff..."
"Well, you're in luck!" Jackie said with a hint of sarcasm, teasing me yet again.  "Adorable and cute doesn't need to be cliché, genius." I sighed at her response, knowing she was right. 
"I guess... gosh -- I'll -- when I see her in the changing rooms in a bit, I'll ask her. I promise." I said, giving into the idea.
"In the changing rooms?! No way, dude! Do something classy!" Jackie slammed me for my suggestion.
"I don't -- I can't do something cute without it coming out extremely corny..." I admitted. "... and awkward..." I finished.
"There's tons of ways to doing this..."
"Well, you're all there slamming me... why don't you give me some suggestions instead?" I demanded with a pout, jokingly.
"Fine. I can do that... uhhh --"
"Like... how did Esteban ask you out?" I asked.
"... he hasn't." she said, softly with a bit of a melancholy in her voice.
"Oh..." I said, feeling awkward.  I began to understand the previous things she said about how important it is... she spoke so passionately about it -- I'm guessing this is why.
"But that doesn't matter..." she said quickly. "You need to come up with your own way of asking, because you have to personalize it.  Has to be something about you two, and no one else." she explained.
"Yeah..." I agreed.
"You're a smart Llama... I'm sure you'll figure something out." she said with encouragement.
"Jackie..." I said firmly, changing topics. "Why don't you ask him instead?"
"What?" she said confused.
"Yeah, like why don't you just ask Esteban to be your boyfriend? If you want it, why do you have to wait for him to ask? You can take control, too... ya know? Maybe he's shy about it." I said, trying to motivate her.
"Girls are not supposed to ask..." she said.
"Says who?" I challenged her.  "What rule book says girls can't ask dudes out? Freaking ask! Go for it, as soon as you and mom get back home... hit him up, and just go for it."
"Hey, we're talking about you and Krystal here. Not me and Esteban..."
"I'm just sayin'..."
"I'll ask... if you ask."
"Done, deal." I said.
"Deal... dork." she replied.
"I gotta go... I need to get ready. Well, Krystal needs to get me ready."  I said with a chuckle. "She's basically my stylist."
"Alright, let me know once you ask her."
"Will do. Love ya."
"Love you too, Llama."

"Hey, Beeeerr... y thang!" Henry's voice appeared suddenly in my ears, teasing me as he swooped past me, flicking the back of my ear with his finger.
"Hey! Not okay, Snoop!" I chuckled, as I pointed at him.   
"I heard the interview!" he said with a smirk, as he started walking backwards facing me. "You're definitely slick, heh." he said. "Well, you and Baby Jung."
"Dunno what you're talking about, bro." I said, with a smug smile, and a shrug of my shoulder.
"Oh yeah..." he said with a slight whisper, placing a finger over his lips. "Shhhh, it's a secret." he said, as he laughed lightly. "Gotta run, though.  On my way to the changing rooms. Hope you'll fill me in later?"
"You're ri-di-kah-lus! And duh, 'course I'll fill you in." I said, laughing with him. "But yeah, me too. Heading over to see my 'personal stylist', if ya' know what I mean."

Guess this is gonna turn out to be another one of my inside jokes with the Snoopy, heh...

"Adorable and cute... but not corny..."  I said under my breath, as I walked towards the changing rooms. I kept wrapping my mind around the words, over and over again... yet -- Gosh! I can't think of anything...

"You took long enough...!"  Krystal jumped up from behind me as I was approaching the door of our changing room, wrapped her arms around my neck, and held her chin over my shoulder.
"Hey...!"  o_<  I said, as I opened the door to enter, she quickly got off from my back, and came to my side, fearing some of the members might be inside. No one else was there, but us. "Yeah... I had a bit of a long conversation with Jackie..." I explained, as I sat on one of the chairs, Krystal started to grab a hold of my hair from behind.

"Oh yeah? That's good, ba -- Amber."
"What were you gonna say?"
"That... what about your mom?" she asked.
I sighed "I didn't get to talk to her... They're still here... they're leaving soon." I explained, as she left her hands from my hair for a second, to get a hat for me.  "Jackie said that... mom just doesn't know how to tell me that 'it's okay', that's she's just shocked, and stuff... I don't even know." I rambled, due to the so many things going through my head. I honestly didn't really want to even talk about it anymore -- or think about it or...
"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it now..." she said. I smiled at her through the mirror right in front of us. She's too sweet...
"Per