Tug of War

There was a perpetual beating sound that was pulling in all of my thoughts, them in like a black hole. My neurons were suffocating -- blacking out into nothingness, as my ability to think just escaped me completely. ‘Space’ she’s saying... space – like the empty spaces readily prepped to be filled with each other, with everything about each other that we still did not know? No… space, like that gravitational pull she has on every single string attached to my soul, as she prepped to exit… as she prepped to graze my heart, puncture my lungs, and pressure my chest – as she prepped to leave shallow my insides. 
 

And even if they could, even if they felt the same way and wanted to fill that hole... the question would later come up: how can I fill that empty space without damaging any surroundings? How can I enter your soul without grazing your heart, puncturing your lungs, pressuring your chest...?  
 

What she didn’t do as she walked in… she’ll do as she leaves… Damn it, man! What is this ing beating sound…? 

“Amber…?” Krystal’s voice was faint under the continuing sound. Her hands rested on my shoulders – that’s what it is… that beating sound: the pounding of my heart desperately knocking from underneath the skin of my neck, dying to run away… to escape and hide. 
“Yeah...?” I said after the pounding sound finally piped down, as I looked around – feeling as if I had just come back down from a horrible, horrible high. She had pulled me aside, away from the constant traffic of people walking back and forth through the corridor – pulled me aside to a more private area past the backstage, and I didn’t even realize when she did. 
“Did you hear me…?” she lowered her head to level with mine that was hung so low. 
“No… yeah. I can – I can do space . I’m a space kind of girl.” I said, with a light laugh. “But umm… can you tell me what the hell is going on here…?” I scoffed, confused to the max as I raised my head to look into her eyes more closely. I wanted to see if my gut would speak to me again, if I could find something – anything in her eyes that could give me some kind of explanation… in case she didn’t. 
Her hands slid from my shoulders towards my hands accompanied by a small sigh of relief on her part, as she realized I had gotten back from my apparent spacing out.  As her hands reached mine, she took a hold of the pendants, and began looking down at them as she spread them out in the center of her palm. 
“They’re beautiful, Am.” She said, so soft spoken.  She was avoiding answering me right away, which only made me worry more. A crooked smile drew over my face… at least I got a reaction a little closer to what I was expecting when I initially showed her the pendants. 
“I got them custom made… it was a little difficult to find a pendant where the crystal and the amber were both attached to each other…” I explained, with a light chuckle. She smiled faintly, and looked back up at me. Being able to now see her face more clearly... her smile was faint and also sad. 
“Why would you gift me something that you know we could both never wear in public?” she asked. 
“Who said we needed to wear it in public… or wear it period? I mean… this is a gift just for you – just for us ... for us to enjoy alone. Hang it on your closet door knob for all I care, but just have it… you know? That’s what really matters.” 
She sighed at my response, as she placed away her pendant in one of her outfit pockets and returned me my own.  “Yeah… I’ll do that…” her gaze lowered slowly “… we should put ourselves on the closet door knob, too.” 
“Space…” I said reluctantly.  She nodded softly, her gaze still lowered. “Like… going on a break or…?” I ultimately asked, but by how she was acting, it couldn’t possibly be anything less – and even anything less terrified me. 
“No, no… it’s not like that. I just mean like… spend less time together, not be around each other as much… like that – that’s what I mean…” she explained. 
“Spend less time together? Why would I ever want to spend less time together with you? We already barely get any time alone because of our schedules, and you want to make that less ? I’m sorry but, I still don’t get it… I mean – why?” I said with a sad demand, wanting a clear answer, wanting a reason . She suddenly raised her gaze to meet mine. 
“Amber… every single time a camera flashes, I can’t help but to think that it was to capture us... to film us.  It feels like there’s just more and more eyes on us every day … and if we want any kind of chance at protecting this relationship then…” her eyes were wide, and full of fear – or paranoia  “… don’t you think we should try and make ourselves more scarce?” I listened to her attentively, scanning her with worried eyes. This whole time – she’s been worried this whole time and she didn’t tell me… no, wait – she did try to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen; every single time she would find something on our tags that made her uncomfortable, she would tell me… she would point it out to me and express her fear, and what did I do? I just kept brushing it away nonchalantly, telling her to stop worrying about it. I would just hear her out; I wouldn’t listen – like really listen… As her girlfriend and her best friend, I should’ve known to ask further… I just… I just figured it was because of what our manager told us… but, someone isn’t going to just suddenly react like that over some publicity request… right? 
“This is why you’ve been so obsessively looking through our tags…” I said, as I raised my hands to gently cup each side of her cheeks “… You’ve been paranoid because of what our manager told us, Krys… that’s all…” And here I was… doing it again, trying to reason with her, trying to just brush it off. Wanting things to just be okay quickly… isn’t that what everyone wants? Or maybe just me… maybe just my cowardly self, petrified to be abandoned again, and saying anything and everything to avoid that from happening… at the even slightest sign of it. She sighed softly, as she again lowered her gaze and reached her hands to grab a hold of mine. “… and I told you that I’ve been checking them, too… and I promise you that -- from what I’ve seen so far with this whole ‘Kryber’ thing -- unless people catch us full on kissing each other, there is no way a scandal can happen.” I finished explaining, as she slowly lowered my hands away from her cheeks. Not once, but twice – twice in one day where she pushes me away, and not jokingly like she usually does.  This wasn’t the playfully hard to get Soojung that I’m used to… this was a Soojung that was purposely and discreetly trying to push me away... I was now sure of it… a Soojung who was purposely keeping feelings away from me… a Soojung who was feeling it by herself, when she said she wouldn’t… and I felt like it was all my fault. It is my fault. 
“I’m pretty sure if someone captured you giving me crystal/amber pendants… that would be a pretty convincing basis for you and I dating…” she said, her sad puppy eyes turning into a sterner look. I nodded softly as I listened to my gut this time: she isn’t going to go back on this.  I felt desperate. Comply and apologize, Amber. You were wrong, say you were wrong… Maybe then… 
“Okay… yeah, I – I guess I can see what you’re saying. I wasn’t really thinking about it at the time… I was just excited to give you the pendants… I’ll – I’ll be more careful next time.” I said. 
“See, that’s the thing, Amber… I don’t want there to be a next time. That – that can’t happen again. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She doesn’t want a next time? What does that even mean? 
“No yeah, I get it. I get it. I can’t do that again… out in the open like that… right? That’s what you mean?”
“More or less…” she nodded with a soft sigh, as she looked back down. She couldn’t even face me; she couldn’t even give it to me straight and clear. There was just too much ambiguity in her words… there has to be something else… something she’s not telling me. 
“Okay… I’ll – we’ll give each other space…” I wanted to put my hand on her shoulder, but I was afraid she’d push it away again… and I just couldn’t handle three times in one day.  I wanted to touch her shoulder to assure her that I knew she was letting herself feel it alone… and that it was okay. I just wish she would tell me… I would understand. I really would. I would let her feel it alone if that’s what she needs and wants at the moment. But she wasn’t budging at all, so as much as I hated to agree to her request for space, for right now, it seemed like it was all that I could do. She wasn’t being herself, and if this would put her more at ease, make her feel more comfortable – maybe even get the chance to have her open up and change her mind once she sees how much it -- then I have to… for her. Because Krystal told me to do it, I have to… as much as I knew this was going to hurt, because purposely keeping myself away from her when know I that can be with her, is pretty much the best definition I can think of for hell.

“Are you ready to talk to mom yet?” Jackie held her laptop up in the air, spinning it around slowly as she faced the webcam. She was walking around my room, trying to show it to me to reminisce a bit. 
“I was planning to… I really was, but…” I sighed. 
“Jo… you’ve been postponing it for way too long…” she said, as she let her back plop on my bed. 
“I know… don’t remind me, but apparently someone else has been postponing for way too long, as well.” I said, as I my fingers through my hair, clasping both hands behind my neck. I eyed at the clock at the bottom right corner of my laptop screen, as I sat at my desk. It was getting late, and we had a stage performance rehearsal early in the morning tomorrow… but I couldn’t sleep. 
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s Krystal. I think she’s been like… feeling a certain way for a while, and she wouldn’t tell me… and now -- just yesterday she’s talking about space or whatever -- I don’t know, man. It . I should have seen that coming, I should have – damn! I should have freakin’ spotted it before it even got to this point…”
“Oh… Jo… you could have never seen that coming… we’re complicated.”
“We?”
“Women.” She clarified. 
“And what am I?” I asked with a scoff.  
“You’re a Llama…” she chuckled “… and it’s really not as bad as you think it is…