Kris laid on his bed face first. His eyes were damp with tears. His body wouldn't sleep, and it was reminding him of all the things he hated.

"God... I'm so stupid... How can I be so stupid all the time...?" The tears he was holding back were becoming too much for him. He sat up and pressed his back against the wall. He wept quietly. He pulled his knees close to his chest and held them. He felt like a heavy weight was pushing down on him.

His cries became louder as more hateful comments rolled through his head.

"Does anyone actually even care for me? If I dropped dead would anyone stop to mourn?" He didn't realize how loud he was crying until he heard his door open. He tried to hold in his cries as he looked towards the door. Chanyeol had come in with a glass of water. Chanyeol knew Kris had depression. He was there for him when he needed it.

This allowed Kris to continue sobbing without a care. The younger sat in front of him with his legs crossed. He sat the water down on the desk and pulled Kris into a hug. They held each other for a long while. It took Kris a good amount of time to calm down. When he did, he sniffed and panted softly.

"... Thanks." He mumbled as they pulled away.

Chanyeol rubbed his shoulder, "I'm always here when you need me, okay?" The blonde gave him a forced nod before they fell into a comfortable silence.

It wasn't long though due to Kris asking a question, "Did I wake you up again?"

He could see the hesitation in his friend's eyes. "I'm sorry..." He whispered.

"No. It's fine. Like I said, I'm here for you when you need it." Kris could only nod.

"... Do you want to take your pills?"

"I'd like more comfort..."

"Yeah, sure."

The shorter got up and grabbed the water, and pulled open the first drawer of the desk. A few bottles of pills were inside it. Chanyeol had been doing this for years. He knew which bottles were which by heart. He grabbed the one with the lighter dosage and handed it to Kris. The male opened the lid, popped three in his mouth, and swallowed them down with the water.

Chanyeol took the glass from him once he finished it.

He put the bottle back where it was, and looked at the elder, "Are you going to be okay now?"

Kris nodded, "I'll be fine, thanks again."

"You're welcome, hyung." Then he was out of the door. Kris sat there, breathing deeply. He was feeling tired already. Probably due to the intense crying from before.

He lazily reached for his laptop. He opened it up and went to the blogging site. He saw seven notifications. None were from Tao. He went to Tao's profile. The boy wasn't online. He decided to leave him a message for whenever he'd see it next. It was a simple,

icanfly: Hey, Tao.

He exited the chat box, and began to look around Tao's blog some more. He subscribed to him. He didn't want to read any blog posts just yet though. He went back to his own profile and clicked the 'create a blog' button. He felt the need to make one before he tried to sleep.

-

Sleep

icanfly

Do you ever get those nights where you can't sleep, and your mind wants to shove everything you've done wrong or regretted, right down your throat?...

‘Cause I get them often.

Maybe I can consider it more than often.

It's a common thing for me now...

When they happen... I can't hold back from what I've kept inside.

Sometimes my roommates will come in and help me. Other times I'll be left alone to suffer my own guilt.

It really , doesn't it?

Thinking about your flaws and how they affect other people....

They must hate people like us...

People that aren't happy...

It's burdening.

What can we do besides endure it though?...

Tags: icanfly, I'm tired, but I don't know, if I'll be able to sleep, sleep, insomnia, flaws

-

He posted the blog and closed his computer. He put it back on his desk, and sunk into his bed. He wished that the bed would just swallow him whole.

---

The sun's light peeked in through the blinds of the window, making Kris feel sick. He had been laying in bed tired as , but his body just wouldn't let him sleep. He wanted to scream, but what was the point of that? He rolled over to view his clock. It showed that it was 5:39, too early to do anything. Kris rolled off of his bed, and sat at his desk. 

He opened his laptop up, and quickly went to the site. It was currently the only site he really visited. He had gotten new notifications, and one comment was from Tao. He clicked on it without hesitation. As soon as he did he noticed the chat bar at the bottom of his screen, signalling that he had gotten a message. He opened it quickly to see Tao had messaged him.

GucciPanda: Good morning, Kris. Couldn't sleep I see?

He sighed as he knew that Tao knew about his insomnia. He replied,

icanfly: Yeah, I've been awake all night. Did /you/ at least sleep well?

He then scrolled down to view the other's comment.

GucciPanda: We can seclude ourselves from the outside world. That is the only way to keep people safe from our own demons.

Kris paused as he read that. He felt a chill run through his spine. He had never thought of his depression in that way. A demon. His computer beeped when he received another chat message. Tao had replied.

GucciPanda: I did... It must be a pain to have insomnia.

icanfly: It is. It's really hard because you want to sleep, but you can't.

GucciPanda: And you can't do anything about it?

icanfly: Nope. I mean... Sleeping pills sometimes help, but not really.

GucciPanda: So you just have to let it eat you up inside.

Kris blinked. Tao was dark with the way he spoke, and Kris liked it. It's almost like he was drawn to it. It was quite odd.

icanfly: I do.

GucciPanda: I've got to go now. I'll talk to you later today I assume?

icanfly: You will... Wait, can I ask a question?

GucciPanda: Yes.

A million things ran through his mind, and the only one he could write down was a simple one.

icanfly: Where do you go when you get offline?

The reply was hesitated,

GucciPanda: I go to school.

Kris froze.

icanfly: School..?

Had he been talking to someone much younger than him without realizing it?

icanfly: How old are you, Tao?

GucciPanda: Why are you asking me such a personal question?

icanfly: I would just like to know... You don't have to tell me though.

The reply was once again hesitated,

GucciPanda: I'm 18... How old are you?

This made Kris sigh in relief. He was afraid he could have accidentally become a e if he fell for him.

icanfly: 21... So you're in high school still?

GucciPanda: I am. I was held back freshman year... Speaking of school... I need to go. I'll talk to you later.

Kris didn't have any time to respond before the other was logged off. He nodded to himself as he closed the laptop.

"I wonder why he was held back..." He needed to waste time doing something, due to work not starting for a couple of hours.

-

Kris sat in the store's leather chair while looking at his boss who was sitting across from him.

"What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Do you remember Minseok? He came in a couple weeks ago."

"Your boyfriend?" Jongdae nodded.

"I do remember him."

"Well, we wanted to ask you if you want to have dinner with us one day. He said you seemed lonely when he visited. He had gotten that vibe off of you."

"Oh... Um... When did you want to have dinner?"

"Friday night of this week."

"... Sure. I'll go out with you guys." Kris smiled which made the other smile,

"Ah yay. That's great. Thanks for accepting."

"Thank you for inviting me."

"You're welcome." The two got up to continue working.

-

"Really? Well that Minseok guy must be really smart." Chanyeol mumbled as he picked some meat up to eat.

"Well if I'm kind of barely smiling, and sitting alone in the corner of the store on break, I don't think it would be too hard to see that I'm at least a little bit lonely." Kris said after taking a sip of his soda.

Baekhyun groaned, "Is that really what you do at work? Customers will leave if they see an unhappy employee."

"I don't do that in front of customers. I didn't do it to him at first, but when Jongdae told me it was his boyfriend I accidentally slipped out of it." The smaller nodded understandingly.

"Oh! I almost forgot. I bought cookies today!" The happy virus of the group grinned.

"You did? Why didn't I notice?"

"You were to busy worrying about your hair." Baekhyun opened his mouth to yell back, but kept it shut.

The oldest laughed. He loved the couple's bickering that they'd always do. In a matter of seconds, Chanyeol had gotten up and placed the cookies on the table.

"Oh~! These are my favorite flavors~" Baekhyun clapped his hands in excitement.

This made Chanyeol smile as he leaned down to capture his boyfriend's lips, "I got them just for you~"

"Woa- No PDA in my presence please!" The eldest laughed.

"Bleh. You ruined the fun, hyung~" Chanyeol gave a fake pout.

Baekhyun sighed as he took a cookie in his hand, "You should really get yourself a boyfriend. Maybe then you won't feel so lonely all the time."

"Well it's not that easy I hope you know."

"Alright, alright. Whatever~" That ended the conversation, and they ate the cookies together while having fun.

-

Kris flopped onto his bed, and grabbed his laptop. He was full which made him somewhat happier. He opened the screen to find he was on the website page. He refreshed and saw new notifications. None from Tao though. He went to the other's profile, and saw that he was online. He clicked the chat button, and typed in a 'hello'.

icanfly: Hey

GucciPanda: Hi

icanfly: How was your day?

Almost immediately he regretted typing that.

icanfly: Wait never mind, don't answer that...

He knew he wouldn't have had a good day so what was the point in asking?

GucciPanda: Can I ask you a question?

Kris felt his heart rate speed up as he read the sentence.

icanfly: Yes, of course.

He was on edge to see the question.

GucciPanda: Why is your username icanfly?

Kris chuckled. He wasn't excepting such a question to be asked.

icanfly: My favorite animals are dragons, and I don't know... I kind of wished they were real so I could be one and so... This happened, haha. What is yours GucciPanda?

GucciPanda: Ah... I'm really fond of Gucci products, and pandas are my favorite animals.

icanfly: That's cute.

GucciPanda: It is...?

icanfly: Yeah, haha.

GucciPanda: Oh... I'm kind of tired right now so I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight, Kris. Until tomorrow?

icanfly: Until tomorrow.

They both logged out as they ended the conversation. Kris could feel himself relax as he closed his laptop. Chatting with Tao made him feel somewhat at peace. It was a nice feeling.

---

As the days passed, Tao and Kris continued chatting. Their conversations weren't meaningful in any way though. They were simply, 'Hello's and 'Goodbye's. Kris didn't care. He simply liked to see that Tao was online. It made him feel at peace. He still didn't understand why though. Today was the day Jongdae and Minseok took Kris out to eat. The man had dressed casually, and walked into the restaurant, awkwardly making his way through.

His height had always been an advantage in crowded places. The waiter at the front showed him to his table where Jongdae, Minseok, and someone else were waiting for him. That someone else had the empty seat next to them. That someone was a girl. He sat down awkwardly next to the woman with medium length, wavy hair.

"Kris, I'm glad you could make it. This is Sulli. She's Minseok's friend's sister."

He bowed his head to her with a smile, "It's nice to meet you, Sulli. I'm Kris."

"Oh, I know. These two have told me quite a lot about you." She giggled.

That's when he realized that his boss and his boss's boyfriend were trying to set him up. He didn't think they'd go this far when they realized he was lonely.

-

Kris tried to act interested in what Sulli was saying, but he was having trouble with it. When the waiter placed their dessert on the table, Kris mentally sighed. He couldn't stand being there anymore. He pulled out a small piece of paper that was inside his wallet. He made sure the girl sitting next to him couldn't read it. He wrote on it, I'm gay.

Then sneaked it over to Jongdae who had just finished laughing at something Sulli had said. He looked down. Slowly he froze. His eyes met Kris's. He elbowed Minseok, and passed the paper to him. Kris watched them whisper to each other.

He turned to Sulli and smiled, "I had a nice time with you today. I'm afraid i'm going to need to leave early though." He stood up and bowed, "You three take care."

-

"Wow... You've got to be kidding me."

"I'm not."

"Wow... I... Wow..."

"Could you stop saying wow?"

"Wo- yeah sure..." Kris sighed as he laid back on the living room's recliner. Chanyeol was sitting on the loveseat while Baekhyun was sleeping with his head on his lap and his legs hanging off the edge.

"I'm pretty sure Jongdae's going to be embarrassed or something on Monday. I won't know how to respond to it."

"Just tell him it's fine. I mean, he didn't know."

"That is true... Whatever I guess."

"Whatever~" Chanyeol hummed as he let his head fall back to the couch.

"Why don't we all just sleep out here tonight since we have work off tomorrow." He suggested.

"I thought we were doing that anyway." Kris chuckled as he propped the recliner out to lay back.

"I guess so." After some time, Kris realized he was feeling tired. He hadn't been able to fall asleep so quickly in a while, but he was asleep in no time.

---

Kris didn't know what time he woke up, but when he did no one was around. He groggily got up, and looked around for a clock. The time was, 3:27am.

"Didn't we all sleep out here..?" He felt awkward standing in the middle of the dark room alone. He carefully made his way over to his roommates' room. He pressed his ear to the door. He could hear Chanyeol's soft snores. He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Maybe Baekhyun woke up, and dragged him into the room..?" He settled with that thought, and shuffled to his own room. He didn't waste any time to get on his laptop. He refreshed the page, and saw a couple of notifications and a message. He clicked on it; Tao was online, and he had messaged him around 7pm.

GucciPanda: Hi, Kris.

Kris hadn't messaged back. He almost panicked.

icanfly: Hey, Tao. I'm sorry I didn't message back. I was out, and I came home and fell asleep.

He felt bad about his mistake. He sighed, and clicked the notifications. His eyes widened, GucciPanda posted a new blog post. His heart speed increased as he clicked on it.

-

I hate this feeling

GucciPanda

Tags: GucciPanda, picture, I feel really weird right now, like I want to take this knife and stab myself with it, but at the same time, I dont

-

Kris re-read the whole post over and over, including the picture and the tags. He gulped as he clicked the box to comment. His mind hesitated, but his body knew what it wanted.

icanfly: I care... I care probably more than I should...

He bit his lip. He did care. He really cared for Tao. The other was on his mind constantly.

-

The eldest stared at the two lovebirds who were whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears. "Do they not see me or....?"

"Can you guys-" His words were cut off by Baekhyun with a shocked smile on his face. Chanyeol smirked. They kissed as if they were wild animals, hungry for each other's blood. Kris sighed as he got up from the dining table, and left to his room. The two had brought him out for breakfast, and then proceeded to torture him.

He would never be able to understand them. He slipped into his desk chair, and opened his laptop. He refreshed his page to find the chat box open. Almost immediately he remembered that he had commented on Tao's blog. He slowly swallowed the awkward feeling away. He opened the box, and read the message.

GucciPanda: Do you really care that much...?

icanfly: I do.

He waited for the reply on the edge of his seat.

GucciPanda: Kris... I know you have depression and insomnia... But you don't know what I have... Do you?

icanfly: I don't, and I want to.

GucciPanda: I'll tell you if you promise me something.

icanfly: What is the promise?

GucciPanda: You can't become my enemy.

Kris stared at the sentence. He was slightly confused.

icanfly: Why would I?

GucciPanda: I don't want it to happen again.

"Again?"

icanfly: I promise to you that I will not become your enemy.

GucciPanda: Thank you... I'll tell you now...

The man gulped. He wanted to know. There weren't many things that could have been said, but he was still eager to know.

GucciPanda: I have depression and anxiety.

icanfly: Anxiety too?

GucciPanda: Yes.

Kris began to type a reply, but Tao started first which made him stop.

GucciPanda: I also... Self harm...

He could feel his heart crush into pieces by those words.

icanfly: How do you do it, Tao?

He didn't know why he asked, but it was too late to question.

GucciPanda: A kitchen knife... A razor... I also starve myself... I don't do it because I'm fat; i'm obviously not; my ribs can be seen... I do it to punish myself...

Kris could feel himself fall deeper and deeper into depression as he read the words. "His ribs... Can be seen..?"

icanfly: Tao... Why do you do all of this to yourself?

GucciPanda: That question is for another day... Another time... Another week. I must get off now... Thank you for listening.

icanfly: Before you go... I just want to tell you something...

GucciPanda: That something is..?

icanfly: I really care for you.. I care a lot... Hearing this makes me only care more... I'm going to be here for you now. If you ever need someone to talk to, to comfort you, or anything... I'll be here... Alright?

Tao's reply was hesitant which made Kris regret it. He threw that regret away. He knew Tao needed to know that.

GucciPanda: Thank you... You don't know how much it means to me... I don't know if you ever will either... I really need to go now. I'll talk to you sooner or later.

icanfly: Yeah, later.

GucciPanda: Goodbye for now.

He was off within seconds. Kris sat there for a moment while looking at his screen. He felt a heavy weight over him. He didn't know why, but it was there. He wished it would leave and stood up. He walked out of his room, and straight to the kitchen. He grabbed a cup, filled it with water, and drunk it while resting against the counter. He needed to let his mind relax for the rest of the day. He had no work. He had nothing to do, but relax. So he did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I've managed through by using the HTML edit thing to update.

That means if anything look weird

it's because I'm not an expect at using this html thing.

But anyway~

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

We'll be learning more about Tao in the next chapter.

So until then...

Farewell~