Title: Hello

By: icanfly

Hello, I'm Yifan.

You can call me Kris.

I'm new to making blogs so I've decided to introduce myself.

I'm just an average person you would see on the street. Except not personality wise.

I have depression. It affects a large chunk of my life.

I also have insomnia. This ruins things as well.

I live with my roommate and his boyfriend. Together we're best friends. We have other friends as well. We have a group of friends really.

You'd think I'm a pretty happy guy due to the smiling and laughing I do so much, but I'm not.

When I go home, I barely smile.

When I'm alone, I sit and think about how much I hate depression and not being able to sleep.

It's terrible.

It really is.

I've read some posts by other bloggers on here, and I know that I've got it better then a lot of you... But that doesn't mean we don't hurt the same amount.

I hope someone brightens your day today.

Everyone is prettier with a smile.

Tags: hello, first blog, icanfly, depression, insomnia

-

He nodded in satisfaction. It seemed to be good enough for his first post. He clicked the post button and nodded. He'd check it tomorrow. He closed his laptop and put it aside. He stood up from his desk, turned the light off, and got in his bed. His mind began wandering off. He could only hope he would be able to fall asleep tonight.

---

Kris's phone alarm went off causing him to stir awake. It was the first time in a week that he'd slept properly. It made him feel great. He breathed in a deep breath before getting up. That's when he remembered about his new blog. He quickly sat down at his desk. He opened up his laptop, and went to the site.

That's when he saw 5 notifications:

Depressed5678, SkyFilledSorrow, and GucciPanda commented on your blog

and

GucciPanda and Runaway subscribed to your account.

His eyes widened. He had already gotten 5 notifications. He clicked on the comment notification and read the comments:

Depressed4678: I feel just like you.

SkyFilledSorrow: I like how honest you are when you say you have it better than others.

Those two comments didn't stick in his mind. It was the last one that did,

GucciPanda: I've never met anyone like you... You interest me...

This made Kris bite his lip. "What do they mean by that?" He hesitantly clicked on the person's profile.

Online

Name: Huang ZiTao

Nickname: Tao

Gender: Male

It had his picture.

Kris had to admit that he was his type. He saw the chat button next to his username. He was tempted to click it. He stopped himself when Chanyeol busted into his room. He'd have to do it later.

"Hey, are you going to ride to work with me and Baekhyun?" The smiling man questioned.

"Ah, no. I'll walk. I'm not ready yet, and I don't want to keep you two waiting."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's fine. See you after work." Chanyeol nodded in reply and left. He was left sitting there to think.

After a moment he closed his laptop, "I should probably get ready now..." He mumbled under his breath.

-

Kris pushed open the clear door to find shelves full of books. He worked at a small book shop a few minutes away from his apartment. A man was sitting at the main counter while reading one of the said books. He looked up when he heard the door's bell ring.

"Oh, good morning, Kris!" The brown haired man smiled.

"Good morning, Jongdae." Kris forced a smile as he bowed and walked to the counter.

"How was your weekend?" The younger asked.

"Good I guess, how was yours?"

"Mine was pretty good too!" Jongdae was smiling brightly as he said that.

Kris envied his happiness. He was always smiling such a nice genuine smile. "That's great to hear. I'm going to go sort the new books now, ok?" The shorter nodded before Kris began walking to the box that was sitting on the floor near the back door.

-

Kris sat against the wall as he saw Jongdae greeting a customer that had just walked in. He watched him smile at them. He wanted to smile like that. It made him feel like . He felt a gloominess around him. He took out his iphone, and went to his new blog's app. He saw another new subscriber, but no comment.

He went to the account from earlier, GucciPanda's. That name slightly amused him. He saw the man wasn't online anymore. His finger hovered over the chat button. He wasn't sure whether or not to click on it. He wasn't sure why he even wanted to so badly.

Maybe it was the comment that caught him?

Maybe it was the guy's selca?

Maybe not?

He stopped when he realized he forgot the guy's name. He looked at his profile to remind himself.

"Tao." It rolled off his tongue naturally. "He must be Chinese too." He mumbled to himself. That made him wonder if he lived in China.

He himself did not due to his older brother moving out to South Korea and him wanting to follow. His older brother was not around anymore. He had gotten a job that made him busier than normal people. He was a singer with a heavy schedule. He wasn't the most famous, or the least famous though. He was somewhere in the middle.

It made Kris feel weird that his brother was successful while he was a depressed guy who worked at a small book shop and had a roommate. He sighed. He hadn't talked to his brother in a while. He searched through his phone, clicking on his contacts list, and found the contact 'Luhan gege'. He clicked the name and pressed the device to his ear.

It rang four times before switching to voicemail. He looked down at his feet when he heard it. "He's always so busy now..."

"Hello! This is Luhan's personal cell phone. Please leave a message after the beep."

Beep!

"Hey, gege. It's me.. Kris... Um... I'm just calling to say hi since I'm on my work break... How are you doing?... Have you been eating well?..." His voice began to quieten down as he talked. He missed his brother more than he thought he did. He was holding his tears back, "I wish to hear from you soon... I miss you. You should come visit one day... Um... I'm going to go now. Have a nice day, gege."

He hung up quickly. He stood up and paced to the restroom. Once inside he let out a loud sigh. Every time he would talk to people, that he misses, he'd end up getting teary eyed. He was weak. In his own eyes, he saw himself as weak. He bit his lip. He needed to calm down.

"I'm only like this because I haven't seen gege in over two years... That's why... I'm not weak... It's fine..." He convinced himself enough to move on.

-

"I'll see you tomorrow, Jongdae." Kris smiled at the man.

The other nodded, "Take care~" Once Kris turned away, his smile vanished. He walked outside to see Chanyeol's car parked on the side of the street. He got in the backseat, and they drove off. Baekhyun was also in the car, seated next to Chanyeol.

Baekhyun was Chanyeol's boyfriend. They had been dating for a while now. A while meaning two and a half years. They both worked together at an office. They got to sit behind a computer all day. Fortunately it paid well.

"So, hyung? How was your day?" Chanyeol smiled as he looked at the elder through the mirror.

Kris shrugged, "Same as any other day." That made the smiling man frown.

"You should really get a job somewhere that has more people coming in, hyung." Baekhyun suggested.

"A decent amount of people do come in the shop though." The blonde pouted.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, "Not like a coffee shop though."

"That is true. Maybe you should listen to Baekhyun on this one." Chanyeol told him.

"Well I like the book store; Jongdae is really nice to me, and he lets me do practically anything."

"Alright, Alright. You do what you want, Mr. Stubborn pants." Baekhyun mumbled making the other two laugh.

-

After dinner, Kris went straight to his room. He decided to make a new blog post. One about his feelings for that day.

-

Envy

icanfly

You know...

When you're depressed you really start to envy people.

I have a friend I work with...

He's always happy.

He's always smiling.

His life is just perfect.

That's not how mine is. I don't smile every second... Or even hour.

Then I have my older brother... He's so amazing...

He's done so much in his life, and look at him now... He's living his dream.

I wish I could do that... I wish I even had a dream...

Right now I'm not wishing to become something. I'm just...

Here...

My roommate... He has a boyfriend. They have the same job. They are happy together. His life is wonderful as well.

Here I am.

Not living as happy as them.

Barely happy is what I am.

I do get those moments where I genuinely smile or laugh. They are so rare though... It's pretty sad... But what can I do besides kill myself slowly with all the antidepressants?

I don't take those anymore actually...

Not since I've been taking more sleeping pills.. I can't take both like that.

I'll end up dead without even trying...

I don't want to die by accident...

One day, my death will be on purpose...

I probably shouldn't talk like that...

*sighs*...

I guess that's just how I feel....

Tags: icanfly, depression, insomnia, envy, suicidal

-

Kris posted the blog. Almost immediately he went to Tao's profile. The boy was online as well. He wanted to click the chat button so eagerly, yet he was hesitant. He opened a new tab and went to Facebook. He needed to get his mind off of the guy. A couple minutes passed before he went back to the site and refreshed the page.

His eyes widened.

GucciPanda has commented on your blog.

He almost immediately clicked on the notification. The comment was there for him to read,

GucciPanda: I envy you, Kris.

Tao had used his name as well.

He his chapped lips. This boy was getting more and more interesting to him. He clicked his profile and went to his blogs. He wasn't an active blogger. The last one he had posted was over two weeks ago. He clicked on it anyway.

-

Why is this so fun to you?

GucciPanda

Does seeing the pain spread across my face really amuse you?

Do you like it that much?

I can do better if you want.

If you love it that much how about I torture myself in front of you?

Would you feel the euphoria then?

You're just a sick ing bastard.

All of you are.

I don't understand what I've done to deserve this...

I really don't...

Maybe I should just go away...

And never come back...

They won't mind...

I'm sure of it...

Tags: GucciPanda, suicidal

-

Kris re-read the post over and over again. His heart was burning. He knew Tao had poured his heart out into the blog. It made him feel physically sick to know that Tao was in so much pain. He scrolled down to the comments. There were only two. He didn't even bother to read them.

He went back to Tao's profile and clicked the chat button. It asked for text or video. He never knew video was an option. He wasn't confident enough to click something like that though. He clicked text. The box popped up and asked him to type the first message. He once again hesitated. He finally gained the courage,

icanfly: Hello.

His heart started pounding when he saw the icon 'GucciPanda is typing...' come up.

The boy's answer was a simple,

GucciPanda: Hi, Kris.

This made Kris stop. He didn't know what to write next. He hadn't planned this far ahead. He let his fingers type away,

icanfly: I saw your comments on my last two blogs.. First of all... What did you mean on my first one?

GucciPanda: I meant it like I'd continue to read your blogs.

icanfly: Oh... And the most recent one?

GucciPanda: You're life is better then mine, Kris... So much better...

icanfly: ... I read your latest blog... I can tell... And I feel really... Bad about it...

GucciPanda: Don't pity me. You're supposed to try and not do that on this site.

icanfly: What? I'm not pitying you, Tao! I actually feel really bad. I feel empathic towards you....

GucciPanda: ... Well... Thanks I guess... It's nice to know someone cares...

Kris hesitated, "No one cares for you?"

GucciPanda: It's nice to finally talk to you, but I'm feeling kind of tired now... So.. Until next time?

icanfly: Yeah... Until next time...

It wasn't long after that Tao was signed off. Kris re-read over their chat one more time. He wanted to continue talking to this boy. He made him want to actually get to know him.

It was weird.

Very weird.

But Kris, in a way, liked it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello everyone~

Are you enjoying it so far? ^_^

Is it angsty enough for you? Lol

Anyway, thank you to anyone who commented, subbed, and upvoted before this was up.

You are all amazing <3

Btw, I only update from my phone so sorry if it looks awkward -///-