Amber sputtered. Hana didn’t need to look at her to know what expression she had on her face, “WHAT WERE YOU DOING UNDER EUNHYUK’S BED-?!”

“SHHHH!”

“What the were you doing under under Eunhyuk’s bed?!” she whispered.

There was a knock on the door, and in stepped Donghae, “Hey,” he said, briefly looking at Hana before turning to Amber, “Henry wanted me to tell you he needs your help setting the kitchen table for dinner.”

Amber groaned, “I just came from the kitchen, dammit. Fine, thanks Donghae.” She gave Hana a look that said ‘We’re not done talking about this’ before she left.

Hana expected for him to leave right behind her, but instead he stood in the doorway, “Can I come in?”

Hana gulped and nodded, wanting to barrel past him shoot down the hall instead.

He closed the door, “I don’t want to make this too weird, but you already know what I’m going to ask.”

Hana’s mouth opened and closed, looking for an explanation but falling flat, “I...just thought Eunhyuk had taken something from me and may have been keeping it your room. When you came in I didn’t know what to do so I panicked and hid,” she said, “Sorry for the invasion of privacy.”

He looked pensive, “What was it that you think he took?”

Donghae had always been one of the nicer men in the house. Since she had come across the group they had never had any issues, and he had been pleading her case to his not so accepting roommate ever since. She had no reason to not be truthful.

“A key,” she began, “It's for the cellar in the basement where we keep the guns and alcohol....everyone knows only me and Seunghyun have access to it but no one knows where we keep our set, and mine just went missing.”

“But why do you think he was the one that stole it?”

“Donghae, you can’t tell me you haven’t seen how weird he’s been lately,” Hana said, “I saw your room. The writing on the wall, what’s that all about?”

“I honestly don’t know,” he said, “He’s been going through something lately, he’s different now.”

“Do you mean different or do you mean dangerous?”

The room was quiet, many emotions crossing the singer’s face. He spoke in a low voice, “I’ve known Eunhyuk for half of my life, and I’ve never seen him act this way. He’s really sensitive and takes things personally even when it’s not meant to be. We’ve both seen some questionable things happen around here recently, I’m not blind, but I’m not positive that he’s doing it.”

“I just don’t want it to be too late when we are sure,” Hana said, “Just get your friend in check before I do.”

He nodded and cleared his throat, “Hey it’s 8 o’clock, so dinner should be ready now if you want to head on down...unless you want to be fashionably late and make a grand entrance or something.”

Hana rolled her eyes, “I could honestly care less about all that. Come on let’s go.”

They left the room and headed down the hall, “Hana, could you do me a favor?” he asked, “Can you keep what you saw a secret? I’m trying to find out what’s wrong with him, I just don’t want this to blow out of proportion before I do.”

What’s up with everyone wanting me to keep their secrets? This isn’t a confessional, She thought.

“Sure,” she said.

“And I’ll let you know if I see anything worth worrying about, I’ll be keeping a watch--”

“What are we talking about?” said Eunhyuk.

The two nearly jumped out of their skin. The dancer had soundlessly joined them, coming out of his bedroom looking unamused and disheveled as usual.

“Jesus, man! I hate it when you do that, make some noise will you?” Donghae said.

“Not my fault you’re deaf,” he said, “Happy birthday by the way, Hana.”

Hana looked forward and grunted. The, “Rude weirdo ,” he muttered under his breath didn’t go unnoticed.

They made it downstairs and turned into the dining room, where the table had been set with what looked like bouquets of newly picked flowers from the garden, a feast-like spread of food, and a cake in the middle.

“Happy birthday, Hana!” everyone at the table cheered.

Hana walked in uncomfortably, not knowing what to do as she took in the streamers that were hanging from the entrance and walls.

“Do you like it?” Henry asked as she sat down.

“I’m...speechless.”

TOP leaned over to whisper in her ear, “I told them that the streamers were too much but they didn’t listen, sorry.”

“Is everybody here?” asked Amber.

“No, Shin and Jieun aren’t, should we wait for them?” Kai asked.

“It’s up to Hana, but I’m starving.”

“Give them 5 minutes and if they’re not here by then we can eat,” Hana said.

She watched the clock as the group talked. 1 minute...3 minutes...5...10.

“It’s been 10 minutes can we eat now, Hana?” asked Chanyeol.

“Yeah go ahead, sorry I lost track of time,” she lied.

“They know what time dinner starts, if they miss the cake it’s their own fault,” Amber said, stuffing her face with rice.

Shin was rarely late for dinner, and neither was IU. Though Hana never really cared much for her birthday, something about the fact that he chose this night to be late irked her soul.

“Hey are you okay?” TOP asked, noticing how quiet she was.

“Yeah, just wondering where Shin is, that’s all.”

“He’ll be here soon. Eating slow isn’t going to make him get here faster,” he joked, nudging her arm with his.

She smiled, “You’re right.”

“Just try to enjoy it, you only turn….how old are you?”

“20.”

“Wow, you seem so much older.”

She scoffed, “Because that’s something every girl wants to hear.”

“Because you’re just so mature! You know what I mean,” he said trying to backtrack, “As I was saying, you only turn 20 once, so just try to enjoy it while you can.”

And it was true, while the zombie apocolypse wasn’t the most ideal time to celebrate a 20th birthday, she was still in a house full of people that cared enough to go through all of this, eating a home cooked meal to top it off. Honestly, it couldn’t have gotten much better.

As the group began to scrape their plates, in walked Shin and IU, smiles on their faces as they wiped their mouths discreetly.

“Dang you couldn’t save us any?” Shin asked as he walked in and took his normal seat.

“Should have gotten here earlier,” Amber shrugged.

Seeing Shin walk in didn’t give her relief like she expected, but instead her blood began to boil.

“Nice for you to finally join us,” she said sarcastically.

“I made it, didn’t I?” he said, scraping what little rice there was left into a bowl for him and IU.

“Congratulations, you want a cookie or something?”

“I want you to get off my case.”

Hana gripped the side of her wooden chair, biting back a retort as the table looked on awkwardly.

“Who wants cake?” Henry asked trying to defuse the mood.

He went to the kitchen and grabbed a pack of candles and and a knife. He placed two in the center. He must have seen the confusion in her expression so he whispered, “One for you, and one for Sehun.”

As Amber set out the small saucers, Hana watched as Shin and IU talked in low voices. It was like a pattern, he’d say something, she’d laugh. She’d say something, he’d smile. They both seemed completely unaware of those around them, in their own little flirtatious world, and everything about it made her sick.

“Before we cut the cake,” Henry began, “I just want to say that I think it’s a really awesome that we can all be together to see a birthday. It’s been hard so far, but we were able to make it to this point. We lost a friend who shared this day not too long ago, but we also gained one. We all loved the kid, and I miss his smartass every day...Sehun wasn’t able to see his 20th, but I’m glad you’re able to see yours, Hana. Happy birthday.”

The table clapped, and Hana felt touched by the kind words. Shin and IU started late and was a beat off from the rest, not paying attention to a word Henry had said but just clapping because everyone else was.

Chanyeol reached over and turned off the lights as Henry lit the candles.

Don’t tell me they’re actually going to sing--

“On three! One, two, three!” Henry began.

The table erupted into song, and Hana slumped down into her seat, feeling the eyes on her.

“Happy birthday to you!”

The sound of Shin and IU’s conversation sounded like buzzing in her ear. She just wanted to swat it away, but it got louder with every second the song went on. It was distracting, a nuisance. Did they have no decency, no respect?

“Happy birthday to you!”

She watched them over the fire of the candles, hoping the intensity of her stare would make them quiet, but instead they continued, half-heartedly clapping to the beat with everyone else.
 

“Happy birthday, dear, Hana and Sehun!”

Her eyes closed, trying to tune them out, but it was impossible. The glow of the fire. The many voices seeming to be screaming at her. The watchful eyes. It was all too much.
 

“Happy birthday to you--!”
 

“Will you just shut the up?!”

The table went silent.

“I-I’m sorry to upset you, I should have asked if this was okay first,” Henry began.

“It’s not you guys,” Hana said.

She stared directly at Shin, he looked back, confusion painting his features.

“What, me? What did I do?”

“Can’t you guys ever shut up? You two have been talking since you walked in, can’t you spare a moment to just celebrate a birthday the right way?”
 

“You don’t even like your own birthday,” he said flatly.

“So?! That doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be a part of it!” Hana shouted, “Can you spare a second to be like how you used to be? At least fake it for me?”

“What’s the point in faking, Hana? You’re not acting like you’re having a good time so why do I have to act like I actually give a damn?!”

She could tell by his eyes that he didn’t mean it, but it didn’t make it sting any less.

Hana laughed, looking at him in the eyes. She was just letting words fly at this point, completely over it, “Well I’ve been faking like I didn’t know you leave your room every night at 3am to go your little girlfriend Jieun, so I guess we’re all actors here, huh?”
 

Shin and IU froze, stupefied. Amber dropped her fork and Kai spit out his water all over the table. Hana could hear TOP mutter, “Oh, no.” under his breath.

“Oops,” Hana said, dryly, folding her arms.

Shin snapped out of his shock long enough to stare daggers into Hana, his eyes void, “Well I’ve faked like you weren’t a burden to me and my mother for the past year. I’ve faked like being your only friend wasn’t tiring...so who’s the real actor?”

Hana looked blankly at Shin for a few long moments, searching in his face for any indication of remorse, that the harshness was only a defense, but there was nothing.

Hana scoffed. She felt like a hole had been punched straight through her chest, and it suddenly got very hard to breathe. The room felt like it was getting smaller. She smiled at him and nodded in understanding, “Great to know how you really feel, Shin.”

She rose from her seat, “Excuse me, thanks for dinner everyone,” she said, leaving the lit cake behind. She shrugged off TOP’s hand when he tried to pull her back and walked right out of the room, eyes forward and jaw taut.

Amber looked at Shin in disbelief before following after Hana. TOP got up to follow them, but Henry grabbed his shoulder and shook his head, “Let her handle it.”

Hana floated up the stairs, her limbs numb. She couldn’t even remember walking up to the 2nd floor, but suddenly she was there. Her stomach churned and she felt sick. Her breathing was shallow as she swayed down the hall. Maybe some water on the face would make her feel better, snap out of whatever trance she was in.

She went to the humongous bathroom, turning on the lights and facing the mirror. She almost didn’t recognize herself. Her skin was unnaturally pale and her eyes looked dead, like large brown caves of nothingness.

Her lips began to quiver as she gripped the cool counter top, nails digging in painfully as she held herself up. Her whole body began to shake slightly, and she wondered why she was reacting this way. They were just words, right? So why did she feel like her whole world had just fallen apart?

Hana’s eyes began to feel cool, and suddenly they were pooling.

She faced herself in the mirror, taking in the foreign watery eyes, the shakiness, the paleness, the bated breath. A single tear fell down Hana’s cheek, splashing onto the counter mockingly.

Hana looked down at the unfamiliar liquid and began to chuckle, “You’re so pathetic.”

How could she have trusted anyone, right? She had learned her lesson early on, why did she feel she could put her faith into someone anymore, especially him? He sure fooled her. He really was the better actor.
 

By now the chuckles had morphed into full blown laughter, the head back, bellowing out, pain in your side kind. Hana shuddered with every laugh, the sound coming out like a scream. Her grip on the counter had tightened and her knuckles were white now, the bone stretching against the skin harshly. The tears had multiplied and her cheeks were now red and stained.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had cried like this, or at all for that matter, but she let the tears fall uninterrupted.

Amber stood in the doorway, watching the scene unfold.

“Hana...are you okay?” she asked.

Hana turned to her, smiling, “I’m fine!”
 

Amber walked in and extended an arm to put on her shoulder, “I’m sorry about what happened down there--”
 

“I’m fine!” Hana repeated, walking away from the counter before she could touch her. She went to the center of the bathroom and stood there, still laughing maniacally while the tears raced down her cheeks.

Amber closed the bathroom door and followed her, “Hana it’s okay to not be fine.”

Hana was bent over, hands on her knees as the screaming laughter echoed around the room, “I’m fine! I’m fine!”

Amber put a hand on her back, “Hana, I’m not judging you.”

She bent down to her level and wrapped her arms around Hana’s slouched body from behind. Hana froze, the laughter she had been maintaining intensifying. She tightly grabbed Amber’s hands with her own, securing her hold on her like a seat belt. The screaming continued but this time, the laughter was replaced with violent sobbing. Her body shook erratically as she slumped down onto the floor, her legs suddenly giving out as the alien wave of emotion took over her. Amber fell too, keeping her arms wrapped around Hana from behind as she fell into her, wetting her t-shirt with tears.

Amber sat wordless as Hana shook, all the while blubbering “I’m fine.” At this point she wasn’t even sure if the words were for her or for Amber. The rapper rubbed Hana’s arms soothingly, holding her tightly against her chest in a back hug.

Neither of them knew how long they were sprawled out on the marble floors like this, but they weren’t counting the minutes either.

Its us till the end.

What a ing joke.

_________________________________

Big crowds were never really her thing. Airports were no exception.

Thousands of people brushing past, rushing to get to flights with palpable attitudes and anxiety? No thank you.

Hana hadn’t even been in the country a full hour yet and could already feel her limited patience being poked and prodded. There was too much energy in one place, too many personalities to deal with. Just a minute ago she had to stop herself from flipping off a middle aged man in baggage claim. He wore a suit probably more expensive than all the clothes she held in her suitcase combined. He had collided into her luggage, claiming that his “taxi was waiting outside” and he was “in a hurry” as an excuse for not apologizing. She instead gave him an icy glare through the curtain of her hair, sending a shiver up his spine and making him scamper away in legitimate terror.

She walked along with her bags blindly, looking for a woman she had only met once in her life and seen in pictures. She said on a phone call earlier in the week that she would be waiting for her at the meeting point, and after struggling to read signs with the limited hangul she she knew, she pushed on. Hana began to wish her parents had made it more of a point to teach her korean at home, maybe then she wouldn’t look like such a lost foreigner.

She floated down an escalator, looking over the small figures below in the meeting point. Loved ones were embracing for as far as the eye could see. As she lowered into the area she could already feel the mood go lighter, easing her spirits. As she peered down, her eyes zoned in on a small woman holding an obnoxiously large sign. She squinted, and even with the hangul she knew, there was no questioning what it said: Rhee Hana.

She arrived down on the lower level, maneuvering through the crowd and making her way towards the smiling woman. Her hair was shorter and more gray than in the pictures, but she held the same kind moon-shaped eyes that wrinkled at the sides. She waved excitedly, and nearly dropping the overzealous sign. Before it could hit the floor it was caught by a boy standing nearby. It was Hana’s first time seeing noticing him. The woman’s head barely reached the tops of his broad shoulders.

Hana awkwardly walked over to the pair, struggling with the large suitcase she had as she took in their wide smiles.

Her aunt lunged forward and enveloped Hana into her arms, “Oh, Hana! Your dad was right, you’ve grown so well! So pretty, my goodness! How are you? How was the flight? You must be exhausted!” she held her face in her soft hands and looked up at her in awe.

Hana was overwhelmed with the attention, and could only give a stiff smile, “The flight wasn’t that bad, I’m okay.”

Her eyes wandered over to the boy standing next to them. He had the same excited, wide eyes as her aunt, and a huge smile that was teetering on the edge of creepy. His hair was shaved on the sides but came up in big black curls at the top, complimenting his round face.

Hana’s aunt must have noticed her appraisal of the male, “Oh, Hana you know my son Shin. I don’t think you’ve seen each other since the last time you came to visit. How long has it been...10 years now?”

“Hey cousin,” he greeted, pulling her into a too tight hug. Her arms stayed placed at her sides, eyes going wide at the bold action. She could vaguely remember that hot summer 10 years ago, and the hyper 12 year old boy who wanted to do nothing more than talk and play in the water together when she insisted she just wanted to sit in the sand.

Hana patted his back slowly, wishing he had let go as soon as he had started. She realized they nearly stood the same height now, save a few inches. He finally released her, still smiling as she straightened out her clothes, “Not a hugger I see. Sorry about that.”

The three of them walked out of the doors and towards the lot where the car was parked. A hand reached over to grab the large suitcase she was dragging down the pavement, and she jerked back on instinct.

“Let me carry that for you, it looks heavy.” Shin insisted.

“I’ve got it,” Hana said.

“No, let me-”

“I said I’ve got it,” she said more firmly. What was up with this kid? Was he always this...bothersome?

He put his hands in the air in defense, “Okay, if you insist.”

They made it to the car and he watched in surprise as she lifted the suitcase and placed it into the trunk with little issue. Hana walked around to the side, but Shin beat her there. He opened the door for her and waited for her to get in, goofy smile still there, “Oh come on, at least let me do this!”

Hana sighed and climbed into the car, “Thanks,” she muttered as he got in behind her. Her aunt took the car out of neutral and was about to hit the gas when a group of screaming girls and photographers came running in front of the car, bumping into the hood violently.

“This again,” her aunt said in exasperation.

“What? What’s going on?”

“Nothing, must be some idols leaving the airport. They have their own fanclub following them around everywhere. I don’t know how those people don’t get tired of stalking them all day,” Shin said.

Hana looked out the window and saw several girls holding what looked like EXO merchandise and signs . As if on queue, the screams intensified when a group of boys walked outside, each one either wearing sunglasses or a face mask. As they passed in front of the car, a tall, broad shouldered boy with an air of sass peered into the vehicle and made eye contact with Hana for 0.02 seconds before turning away and disappearing into a nearby van. She watched as they sped away down the street, and her aunt honked the horn for the prepubescent girls to move.

“Finally,” she murmured, driving off down road.

“We tried to make your room comfortable,” Shin said, “We even decorated it, but,” he gave her the up and down, “You don’t really come across as a pink person. We can always redo it if you don’t like it.”

“I have my own room?”

“Of course! What did you think, we’d put you on the sofa?” he laughed, “It’s not much, but it’s the least we could do. Oh, and new student orientation is next Monday and classes start next Wednesday. It’s a really pretty campus and everyone is really nice and welcoming. I had a hard time my first year finding everything but I’ll be there to help you. Did you make your schedule yet? If not, make sure you sign up for Biology 106 with Professor Kim….”

Hana watched the boy speak. She didn’t understand how someone could talk so much and not stop to breathe once. He moved his hands around animatedly, the small dimples in his round cheeks coming forth as he smiled. Hana wondered if Shin was always this happy, this accommodating, or if this was just a temporary thing since she was like the new puppy in the house for him to play with. Though, his energy made her relax back into her seat and drop her stoic expression without her even realizing it.

Holding him under her scrutinizing eyes, she figured if he had been able to maintain the same lighthearted attitude for the past 10 years, then maybe this place wouldn’t be half bad.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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