UNDERSTANDING ft. Kim Jongin

 

He lounges on his small bed like a lazy cat. As morning passed, his small, lazy eyes began to open half-way. He gazed upon the beams of dim light that got into his unit with a blank expression. He still felt that emptiness within him.

 

Kim Jongin has been unhappy for months. He never felt so useless and lazy his whole life. And because his boyfriend doesn’t get to talk to him, he’s been living that way ever since. With his blank expression, he blinked his half-opened eyes and realized that it’s just reality. He automatically reached for his mobile phone for a of luck, but unfortunately, it ran out months before. Jongin always tries to understand—it was always his job to understand.

 

Jongin shivered as the cold air brushed on his shirtless body that stuffy winter morning. He grabbed his coat as he sat up, and wore it. A few seconds later, he stood up and started doing his morning routines.

 

These past months, it’s been a boring pattern for Jongin; eat, sleep and wait. Whenever he asks his boyfriend to meet up or talk, at the very least, his boyfriend would just say excuses like ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I have to do something soon.’ Jongin always respected and understood his boyfriend’s situation. He was a giving person. He didn’t complain about how busy his boyfriend is because he’s sure he’d do the same if Jongin was the busy one.

 

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Jongin stirred his coffee as he stared into blank space; odd for noon time. Jongin was a person who slept late, and woke up late because of bad habits. While he was still courting his boyfriend, he would always hang out at the bar his boyfriend’s working in.

 

“Kyungsoo, I’ll have the usual,” he remembers saying that night he confessed to Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo smiled and headed for the bartender. He came back with Jongin’s usual order of a bottle of soju, and fried chicken.

 

Before Kyungsoo left his table, Jongin grabbed his hand and pulled him back softly. “Can you stay… please?”

 

Kyungsoo looked a bit surprised with what Jongin did, but conceded anyway. Eventually, that night led to having a rough make-out session at the back alley. Moans of “Kyungsoo” and “Jongin” were thrown here and there, and of course, this led to the highlight of the night in Jongin’s apartment.

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo shared one last deep kiss and Jongin finally said in a soft, tired tone, “I never want to lose you.”

 

Kyungsoo panted as they had just finished their work that night. He smiled and caressed Jongin’s cheek before falling asleep. Jongin laughed lightly as he saw Kyungsoo fall asleep because he was tired. He planted one kiss on his forehead and embraced him before also going to sleep himself.

 

That night was memorable for Jongin. Although it was a night full of lust, it was also a night full of love because Kyungsoo felt the same way. Jongin remembers how after that night, he started doing all the sweet stuff with Kyungsoo because they both felt awkward for rushing things on their first night. Jongin, in all honesty, loved how they were taking things slow after that. They both savoured each moment of being together.

 

They had two Christmases together: two years ago while they were courting each other, and last year as official dating boyfriends. Although they just shared two Christmases, he doesn’t plan on going back to his lonely holiday. And he doesn’t plan on starting anytime soon.

 

“It’s time for a surprise visit,” Jongin thought.

 

“Kyungsoo…”

 

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Jongin stepped in the elevator of Kyungsoo’s apartment, when he remembered the foolish things they used to do in it. He looked at the elevator buttons and chuckled as he just remembered something amusing.

 

Kyungsoo was over at the buttons as Jongin was lazily leaning on the wall of the elevator. Suddenly, he pressed the emergency stop button.

 

Jongin jerked up and got curious. “Why? What’s wrong? Why’d you stop?”

 

Kyungsoo turn to Jongin and smirked a teasing smirk.

 

“K-kyung..?”

 

Kyungsoo slowly approached Jongin and pulled him by the collar and planted a kiss on his lips. They spent the next seconds getting into each other’s lips and in each other’s mouths.

 

“I love you, Kim Jongin,” Kyungsoo looked up at his boyfriend and smiled.

 

Kyungsoo’s smile is one that is forever tattooed in his heart. He realized how much he longed to see Kyungsoo’s smile one last time.

 

“I love you… Do Kyungsoo…” Jongin said in real time. He then attempted to caress the illusion of Kyungsoo in front of him, but realized that it’s too late.

 

The elevator door opened and he stepped out. He looked to the right and headed for Kyungsoo’s apartment unit. He still remembered it all too well, even if he hasn’t been there for months.

 

He stood in front of Kyungsoo’s apartment door and took a few seconds staring at it. He knocked.

 

Jongin’s eyebrows met as no one was answering. He knocked again. Still, nothing.

 

“That’s odd…” Jongin said to himself. “If he was here he would at least shout ‘coming’…”

 

Jongin was about to knock again when he stopped himself from doing so. He figured that Kyungsoo wasn’t home so he just leaned on the door and sighed. He slowly sank where he was standing until he sat on the ground. He looked around and the small balcony at the end of the hall caught his eye. He kept staring at it until he was able to remember what they used to do on that balcony.

 

He remembered that one trying night when Kyungsoo thought his voice would disappear because his sore throat never cleared out for weeks now. Jongin was embracing Kyungsoo from behind as they stared outside.

 

“What now?” Jongin softly asked as his hands caressed Kyungsoo’s.

 

Kyungsoo didn’t answer.

 

“You can’t just quit now,” Jongin said as he nuzzled his nose on Kyungsoo’s hair. “You’ll get well soon—”

 

“It’s been a month, Jongin,” Kyungsoo’s voice was faint and hoarse. “There’s no use.”

 

Jongin didn’t reply but just held Kyungsoo tighter than before. Not long after, he rested his chin on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and Kyungsoo turned to stare at the sleepy Jongin.

 

Jongin sighed deeply as he didn’t bother opening his eyes anymore. He said sleepily, “Sing for me, Kyung…”

 

Kyungsoo let out a tiny gasp as Jongin said that. “J-jong…in…”

 

“Please, sing for me…” Jongin replied in a softer, sleepier tone. His eyes were still closed as if he was going to sleep on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.  “Our song, hyung, please?”

 

Kyungsoo sighed, but eventually gave in. It was less than standard. His hoarse voice made it difficult for him to transition from one note to another. But as Kyungsoo approached the chorus, his soft frail delicate falsettos ran smoothly over the notes of the words he was singing.

 

“Baby don’t cry, tonight… eodumi geochigo namyeon…”

 

A symphony was playing in Jongin’s ears. Until now, he still hears the fragility of Kyungsoo’s voice, and how tender and wonderful it sounded. That was Kyungsoo’s best performance in his opinion.

 

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Kyungie: I’m busy. Sorry.

 

Kyungie: I have a lot of errands to do.

 

Kyungie: I’m not feeling well, maybe next time.

 

Kyungie: Yes, I’m fine. Don’t text first, doing something.

 

Jongin was talking a stroll in the park in front of Kyungsoo’s apartment building while he was looking at his recent text conversations with Kyungsoo in his mobile phone. All Jongin wanted to do was to clear things up first, but it seems that everything is just working under the wrong time. Each time, Jongin tried to understand the situation of his boyfriend, of course, to his knowledge, is really busy, and he respects that.

 

He sat on a bench and just watched the cold mist that forms each time he exhales. From a distance, he could see two people that look like they’re mad at each other. Jongin’s eyes squinted as he took a good look at the couple. One second they looked like they were bickering but the taller guy hugged the other. It seemed that they made up.

 

“Sorry,” was what Jongin saw from the taller guy’s lips.

 

The two hugged and the other accepted the tall guy’s coffee as a “peace offering”, perhaps.

 

Jongin smiled. “Sorry…” he thought.

 

“Kyungsoo!” Jongin remembered shouting as he approached a huge tree in the middle of a park. “Kyungsoo-yah!”

 

Jongin looked left and right as he shivered in the cold night. His condition was not good. He was sick that night of their anniversary this year. He was lucky to have escaped the nurses, but it seemed that it was too late for that.

 

He sat underneath the tree and cried the whole night. Kyungsoo wasn’t there. Jongin would’ve called or texted if the nurses didn’t confiscate his gadgets because of his impulsiveness to leave the hospital. Just like that, Kyungsoo started to drift apart from him.

 

Jongin was scared.

 

All this time, he didn’t know how to confront or ask Kyung what the problem is—if he’s really busy or is he avoiding him? Jongin took out his mobile phone and stared at the screen: a picture of both of them together.

 

“I don’t intend on spending Christmas alone now…” Jongin dialled Kyungsoo’s number as he went back to Kyungsoo’s apartment.

 

“Please pick up,” But of course, Jongin expected it: no answer.

 

As he got to Kyungsoo’s apartment he decided to be direct and straightforward with him. He knocked on the door to check if Kyungsoo was home and it’s a good thing that he wasn’t. Jongin took out the spare key to Kyungsoo’s apartment that he had been keeping in his wallet ever since Kyungsoo entrusted it to him.

 

“Use this okay? You’re free to come in anytime you want.” He remembers Kyungsoo saying it.

 

Jongin figured that he never took it back anyway, so that means it’s still valid until now. Without any doubt, he unlocked the door. It was clean and organized; classic Kyungsoo. He found a post it at Kyungsoo’s kitchen counter and Jongin just had an idea. He walked over and grabbed the nearest pen. After he finished writing a message on it, he went out to Kyungsoo’s apartment door as he stuck it there.

 

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Jongin…” He stared at the paper again and sighed.

 

I never stopped thinking about you. Merry Christmas Kyungie hyung.