An Unseen Shadow

Author : Exogirl14

Genre : Romance, Angst, Supernatural

Status : Completed

Title ( 8/10 )

Your title is somewhat attractive and mysterious, although it doesn't fit the story that much, I give 8 points for appearance and maybe you should try to cancel the 'An' since 'Unseen Shadow' sounds cooler, I don't know, just my opinion haha.

Description & Foreword ( 7/10 )

Your description and foreword should be swapped. So basically your foreword fits in the description more and vice versa. But let me just say that if readers were to read your story and go back to the foreword to read your description and foreword, they'd find it really weird. I won't say much about the plot since this is the description and foreword section. Oh yeah, and an error. " Lets just say that I am a person that has always been unseen and unnoticed." that oughta sound more right.

Grammar & Language ( 13/20 )

Well I thought your grammar was quite okay until I looked a little closer. I already spotted a few mistakes in the first line of your first chapter. It's not really good having mistakes in the first line as readers will have a bad impression. " Park Eun Hae is a young girl with dreams. She had a mother who died while giving birth to her. Eun Hae is an eighteen-year old girl who was always hidden in the shadows even though she has fantastic grades. She is just a quiet girl who dreams of being a pianist. She works in a cafe in which had a grand piano so she certainly enjoys working and playing the piano for entertainnment there."

I found alot of mistakes not only in your first line but also your first paragraph which I have all pointed out above ^ The reason why I put Park in the first mentioning of her name was so that you don't have to repeat her name again. I have changed 'Park Eun Hae' to 'her' so that it won't sound like you're repeating her name all over again. So if you want to mention the OC's full name, make sure to do it at the first time. I added the word 'hidden' since the word itself elaborate more to 'being in a shadow'. It sounds a little weird if you just put 'got fantastic grades' afterwards because it is plain irony.

Usually students who have good grades are somehow popular in a way which other students want to copy their work or get some help from them etc, so if you want to say that Eun Hae is somehow a 'wallflower' despite having good grades, you should include the 'even though' there. And if you have realized, I changed some of the 'was' to 'is'. Since 'was' is past tense and it means that she was then, and no longer now (not sure if you understand what i'm saying so...) Park Eun Hae 'was' a young girl. So she was a young girl last time but not now? She's still a young girl now right, so use 'is' instead of 'was'. This also applies to 'She is just a quiet girl...' since she is STILL a wallflower. I hope my explaination isn't too complicated. 'Worked' changes to 'works' because she still works there. The 'in' is totally an extra word so do cancel that out. 'Enjoyed' changes to 'enjoys' because she's still enjoying her work.

One paragraph(not even fully one) and these are all the mistakes and explaination, since i'm just a reviewer, i'll only point out these mistakes. Please do proofread your story and change these errors because the mistakes you made throughout this whole story is similar.

Character ( 10/20 )

Character hmm...I need more information and elaboration on Baekhyun. I know he is suppose to be a kind of 'cameo' but it would be good if you were to explain more about him since he's also Eun Hae's crush afterall. And about Eun Hae, how can she be so trusting? She has never seen Luhan before, and when he appears at her doorstep she invites him in and even calls him 'oppa'. Honestly, she's eighteen and she can't be that naive right. No matter how lonely she is, she can't just let a stranger in her house and her house is in some kind of woods right? Plus Luhan is a guy and girls just don't let male strangers in just like that, I mean what if he her or something? Luhan needs more character elaboration too.

Originality & Storyline ( 5/20 )

I have alot to say about this. Literally. Okay the plot twist at the end was not cool. Not cool. And I find it very weird how Eun Hae didn't have the courage to confess anything to him before but when she sees at a cafe she immediately so called 'confesses' to him. Can I ask if they have some kind of past that Baekhyun forgot? "Do you remember me?" they definitely have some kind of past right something like Twilight I don't know but I wish you could kind of tell part of the past along with the story. I know that you want it to be a surprise but it happened too abruptly even though you made Eun Hae turn a little vampire-ish the second last chapter and it isn't really good so it's recommended that you drop a few hints along the story. If she was a vampire, then that isn't the only time when she is blood thirsty, ya know what I mean? So hints, that's the problem and the plot twist at the end too.

Oh and I almost forgot to talk about the flow of the story. I think the story was kind of rushed, I understand that you want to keep this chapter short but yeah try not to rush the story. The friendship between Luhan and Eun Hae, Eun Hae and Baekhyun, everything's escalating too quickly and it doesn't seem realistic, so yeap.

Overall ( 43/80 )

Hmm overall, there were many parts of the story that sounded strange to me so therefore I don't quite understand the whole story but then the plot twist at the end was really bad so I hope you change something about that or re-edit the whole story to a longer one so that it wouldn't seem rushed. Thanks for requesting at KMS & HMH review shop! I hope i wasn't too harsh like what you've requested haha sorry if I was. Remember to credit the shop in your foreword so that I can cancel your name off the request list and do remember to comment after you've credited, have a nice day!