My Wolf Friend

Author : creamcoloured- | fluffyclouds- | snowcandyy29

Genre : Supernatural | Romance

Status : Ongoing

Title ( 8/10 )

In my opinion, your title isn’t very eye-catching; it didn’t give me the mystery vibe and the urge to click your story. But nonetheless, I think the title suits the story plot perfectly.

Description&Foreword ( 8/10 )

I really like your description; it’s the perfect definition of a description. Most people confuse it with the foreword and ended up writing the description in the foreword box but I can see that your description is very well written, except for the last two sentences. I think your description would’ve been perfect if you would lose the last two sentences because (a) I don’t quite get it; why is the ‘I love you, you love we we are happy family!’ part crossed? Could it possibly be a thought? And (b) It gave out the mysterious vibe in it. I was really impressed on the question you put in the description and I think it’s the one thing that made me eager to click the ‘next’ button.

Grammar&Language ( 10/20 )

I’ve found quite a lot of mispelled words and misplaced punctuation. I don’t know if it’s because of AFF problem (I get that a lot) or your own clumsiness, but I suggest you reread the chapters before posting them. Since there were still only two chapters and I have time, I decided to correct almost all of your grammar mistakes and place a note for some parts in the sentence. Some of the mistakes pointed below are also because of spacing between the punctuation marks, they are highlighted in yellow

Chapter One

“Come on! You , you can’t sing!” , although you won multiple Singing Competitions, you still didn’t believe in yourself.

“Come on! You , you can’t sing!”, although you won multiple Singing Competitions, you still didn’t believe in yourself.

You took out your telescope and looked into the sky, you saw the moon coming out from the flat surface of the grasslands nearby.

You took out your telescope and looked into the sky; you saw the moon rise up from the flat surface of the grasslands nearby.

A semicolon [ ; ] is used to help sort out a monster list or to separate closely related independent clauses, for example:

1. We had four professors on our committe: Peter, Professor of Mathematics; Ronald, Professor of English; Cynthia, Professor of Education; and Nada, Professor of Nursing.
2. My grandmother seldom goes to bed this early; she’s afraid she’ll miss out on something.​

​And also, you shouldn't really use the phrase 'coming out' for the moon, since moons clearly do not 'come out', I think 'rise up' fits better.

Aparently, someone had seen them transform into humans, it was just a myth, you didn’t believe it.

Apparently, someone had seen them transform into humans, it was just a myth and you didn’t believe it.

Luhan, he was the red wolf that you, Jin Heewas interested in. As he ran, a mark on his left wrist shined, it was the symbol of the wolves. He was the descendant of the wolves, he was supposed to hunt down his enemy, The Mountain Lions, also known as Pumas.

Luhan, he was the red wolf that you, Jin Hee were interested in. As he ran, a mark on his left wrist shone, it was the symbol of the wolves. He was the descendant of the wolves; he was supposed to hunt down his enemy, The Mountain Lions, also known as Pumas.
 

"W-Who's t-there?" you asked shivering at the sight of a black figure a few metres away from you. 
"W-Who's t-there?" you asked shivering at the sight of a black figure a few meters away from you. 
 

You ran as quick as you could back to home, terrified at the horrifying scene you had just witnessed.

You ran as quickly as you could back to home, terrified at the horrifying scene you had just witnessed.

Chapter Two

Your first talent was singing but your second?

Your first talent was singing, but your second?

As you entered the room, you noticed students chatting merrily with friends, every girl  had a group of girl-friends but you?

As you entered the room, you noticed students chatting merrily with friends, every girl had a group of girl-friends but you?

They had came up with that name last month and stayed to it. They were a group of eleven, their friendship was strong, if anybody, ANYBODY bullied or gossiped about any of them, they'll help out.

They had came up with the name last month and had stayed with it. They were a group of eleven, their friendship was strong, if anybody, ANYBODY bullied or gossiped about any of them, they'll help out.

Jongdae looked cold and emotionless but in reality, he can turn out to be the opposite to close friends, quicky, funky and definetelytrolly.

Jongdae looked cold and emotionless but in reality, he can turn out to be the opposite like his close friends, quirky, funky and definitely fun.

I don’t get what ‘quicky’ and ‘trolly’ means because those words don’t exist in the dictionary and I was a little bit confused at the word quicky because are you implying that Jongdae can ‘quickly’ turn out to be the opposite to close friends, or what?

"Jin Hee joining? Alright!" another friend of Jongdae, Sehun helped Jongdae decide.

"Jin Hee’s joining? Alright!" another friend of Jongdae, Sehun helped Jongdae decide.

You took out your Mathematics notebook as the teacher asked for the students attention.

"STUDENTS! PAY ATTENTION! WE HAVE A NEW STUDENT!" the teacher, Mr Liang yelled angrily.

You took out your Mathematics notebook as the teacher asked for the student’s attention.

"STUDENTS! PAY ATTENTION! WE HAVE A NEW STUDENT!" the teacher, Mr. Liang yelled angrily.

I would leave the 'Mr.' part to you.

"Sit beside Jin Hee! She has a empty seat!" the teacher dashed your hopes.

"Sit beside Jin Hee! She has an empty seat!" the teacher dashed your hopes.

He looked into your eyes and you got startled. Luhan immediately looked away in embarrasment and pull out a new, clean mathematics notebook.

He looked into your eyes and you got startled. Luhan immediately looked away in embarrassment and pulled out a new, clean mathematics notebook.

"He's definetely a weird guy..." you confirmed with Jongdae and his friends as they sent you back to your room.

"He's definitely a weird guy..." you confirmed with Jongdae and his friends as they sent you back to your room.

You checked your watch after a while and realised that you were late!

You checked your watch after a while and realized that you were late!

Character ( 18/20 )

I like Luhan’s personality better in the story than Jinhee’s. I think that Jinhee is the replica of a cliché, fictional character in the story for she only has boy friends that act like bodyguards and even though you might have those kinds of friends in real life, it doesn’t really make sense that she doesn’t have any girl friends. Luhan gave me that mysterious, edgy feeling that calms me somehow. I assume that he would stay in the background until Jinhee accidentally found out about his secret as a wolf.

Originality&Storyline ( 16/20 )

I’ve read many wolf stories and somehow I have to deduct some points from your originality because it’s a little bit Mary-sue knowing how a girl could have five dashingly handsome boys as her best friends slash bodyguards and because I’ve encountered many supernatural fics such as yours (even though I like supernatural stories).

Overall ( 50/80 )

Overall I think this story is quite good though I don’t quite like your writing style, but since I enjoy reading supernatural stories, I think I would give this story a shot, and perhaps you can try to improve your grammar solely by reading about grammar rules in the internet or so on ^^

-Stephanie