Sky, Freedom

Author : TwiceAzeline

Genre : Sliceoflife

Status : Completed

Title (9/10)

I really like short, meaningful titles such as your own. First of all, I was like: “Sky, Freedom? Ooh, cool title, I wonder why freedom lies in the sky.” And then after reading the story I totally agree that your title fits the story perfectly and I could imagine how Xi Ruo feels being free in her own world.

Description&Foreword (9/10)

I like how you put Xi Ruo’s words as the stories’ quotes at the beginning of the description and how three short lines could describe your entire story. Good job!

Grammar&Language (18/20)

Your grammar is perfect, really, it is. I have to reread twice before finding some misspelled words, but I think most of them are because of your carelessness.

Xi Ruo is only 9 years old. But, her days are already limited. She lives in two worlds - Sky and Earth.

Lu Han is only 20 years old. But, his future is already set for him. He lives in one world - Earth.

Xi Ruo is only 9 years old, but her days are already limited. She lives in two worlds - Sky and Earth.

Lu Han is only 20 years old, but his future is already set for him. He lives in one world - Earth.

I don’t know about you, but I feel that having a comma right before the ‘but’ is much more suitable because it lessens the use of unuseful punctuation. There are also some others, but it is really okay if you don’t want to replace it.

Initially, I sympathised with her, but as I spent time with her, I found myself admiring this young child who is not even half my age.

Initially, I sympathized with her, but as I spent time with her, I found myself admiring this young child who is not even half my age.

If I exchange my life with her... Will I long to run and be like an average kid as much as her?

If I exchange my life with her, will I long to run and be like an average kid as much as her?

Also, during the short time that she had, I wanted to fulfil her wish together with her.

Also, during the short time that she had, I wanted to fulfill her wish together with her.

There are some mistakes with the same word, so I’ll just leave them to you.

Then, realisation daunts on me. I guess today is that day…

Then, realization daunts on me. I guess today is that day…

Character (20/20)

I really liked both their characters in the story. Luhan whose mind is only set to obey, obey, obey, and obey his parent’s rules are a little bit unrealistic because in some part of the human brain, freedom is necessary. But I liked the way you portrait him as someone calm and not a rebel (which happens incredibly rare in fanfictions). Xi Ruo’s desire to be free is just.... Ugh, how should I say this.... She is just one damn beautiful girl, I could easily grab the emotions in her heart and the way she wants to race with Luhan is just beautiful.

Originality&Storyline (20/20)

First of all, I have a confession to make: Bless you for making this fic, bless you. This story; the plot and writing style is my ideal type of a good story and you hit the bull’s eye. It’s simply unique and well-written. I’ve read some sliceoflife stories that only gave out its fluffiness and meaningless story, but even though I disliked one-shots, yours is just beautifully written and meaningful that it gave me the sudden urge to reread it again.

Overall (76/80) + My note

This story if just awesome, I enjoyed reading it so much. Your choice of words are really good and I hope you can win the writing contest! (PM me if you did, okay? ^^ I want to congratulate you) Thanks for requesting at KMS & HMH Review Shop! Please remember to credit the shop in your foreword.

-Stephanie