Precious Haru

Author : KaihleeLo

Genre : Angst | Tragedy | Romance

Status : Completed

Title ( 8/10 )

The title gave off such a sweet yet sad impression, and it totally relates with the story itself--props to that! However, ‘Precious Haru’ is rather ordinary. Maybe you could change up the word ‘Precious’ into something that defines the story even more, but of course it is all up to you :D

Description&Foreword ( 8/10 )

The description gave out too much of the story, to be honest, and I wouldn’t have read it if it wasn’t for the fact that Baekhyun’s in this story xD But no worries, it has its own captivating feel to it, and for me, I would’ve read to see what could have happened at the end.

But I like that both description and the foreword are neat. I hate messy writing, and yours was oh-so-lovely to just see.

Grammar&Language ( 14/20 )

Your grammar was consistent even though English isn’t your first language. Honestly, I’m impressed. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have any grammatical mistakes, preferably fluctuating tenses. There are also few expression errors that can be changed:

I know Dr. Kwon doesn't mean any harm, he told Mama that. (because you’re referring to ‘Dr. Kwon’, a singular, and ‘any’ is an expression error)

No one told you to play around and get pregnant when you're only 16, and give birth to an unhealthy child! (you don’t ‘become pregnant’, expression error)

Dr. Kwon came out from a room and sighs ← past (came) then present (sighs)

Ga In nods but quickly stall, "May I look around Haru's room one last time?" (not . “ but , “)

Make sure that your tenses are equal throughout the whole story, all in past, or all in present. I also have problems with your ‘ . ” ‘ sections. Use a comma for dialogues, not a full-stop :)

Your writing style is unique, but can be awkward at times. As shown above, most of the errors pointed out are expression errors, so maybe getting a new beta-reader (since I saw that you already have one) to review it again would be great :D

Character ( 13/20 )

Your characterization was great--emotions were expressed well, I could also see Haru turning into a mature little girl!

However, Byun Baekhyun and Han Gain, I felt, were not ‘a part’ of this story. They seemed really plain and ordinary, and not strengthening themselves through Haru’s death. I don’t know, but I wouldn’t want a husband like Baekhyun :/ Just by that small argument with Gain, I felt Baekhyun’s petty personality, that I believe doesn’t fit the storyline that well. If you wrote more, kind of delve into Baekhyun and Gain’s personal life a little, it would have been such a great story.

As for Yoogeun and Minho, the both of them were like background characters to me, and not that useless, but not a necessary part of the story. They both should have some significance in this story, but I don’t see it in your writing. Maybe, again, try to browse through Yoogeun’s past a little more and twist your writing in a way where all characters have a role to play in this story.

Originality&Storyline ( 13/20 )

Although this was great, and I enjoyed reading it, it is cliche and I am able to predict what happens in the end. If, for example, you twist this story and make it a little more unique, you would’ve garnered lots of readers, I’m sure of (: this story has potential, and you have potential to grow and write better, so I’m sure that you can do it!

The story was a little hard to understand and rather messy, seeing that there are interchanging POVs, and a lot time jumps, so on and so forth, so it was quite hard to understand as the previous paragraph might not relate to the current one. Once again, a beta-reader could fix all that :)

Overall ( 56/80 )

If you need anyone to help your fix your story, please don’t hesitate to msg me and ask me anything because I am very willing to help! Don’t lose hope just because I gave a low mark--I’m just strict and harsh, but everything I wrote is sincere, and I hope is able to help you grow as a writer.

Again, if you have any questions’ please ask me immediately. I wouldn’t mind to hear your thoughts.

Thank you for requesting and we hope to see you again!

-Vivian