Le Abandoner Coeur

Author : Kookie_97

Genre : Angst

Status : Completed

Title ( 5/10 )

Hmm, as for me, I don't quite fancy titles being in french(or spanish i'm not sure) because I don't understand it but I did searched it up and I saw that it was 'abandon the heart' ? Is it? But I do understand that you made the title in french so that it would look good, and it did so 5 points for that.

Description & Foreword ( 9/10 )

Your description is good but also do put something in your foreword other than credits and the warning for other's not to plagiarize your work, and the warning isn't really necessary though, people don't really plagiarize but they do use the same plot and write it in a different way.

Grammar & Language ( 13/20 )

Your language isn't that bad despite English not being your first language, and I like some phrases that you use like 'happy-go-lucky'. Your mistakes are usually tenses as you used past tense and present tense in the wrong timing. I'll just point out some mistakes from the 1st chapter. Chapter 1, 3rd line, "His name is Kim Jong In. He has a handsome face, he's tall, and most of all, he was sweet. Too sweet actually. So I never knew he'd commit such a crime."

Instead of 'This guy was named Kim Jong In', 'His name is' would be much more preferable because if you put 'was', it signifies that currently, his name isn't Kim Jong In anymore, it's either that, or his dead. The past tense 'was', is saying that he used to be, which also means he isn't right now, do you understand? So if you want to name a particular person, or introduce them, never use 'was', unless they are currently dead or they changed their name.

5th line, "Oh, I almost forgot about this girl called Cha Bo Young. She's my bestfriend, or should I say my company? We've been friends for almost 2 years now, and yet she can still deceive me." I changed 'named' to 'called' because it would sound like you're repeating it all over again, which would also make it sound boring and if you noticed, i switched 'still can' around 'can still', it sounds better like that.

In the 7th line, "I was waiting for my boyfriend, Jong In to reply to my messages..." Without the 'my' it sounds like you're giving him some kind of title like 'Doctor Jong In' it sounds kind of weird so...and be sure to include the comma after 'boyfriend'. Also a line after that, "Well I mean he hasn't reply to my texts for the last two weeks."

9th line, "Or better yet, why he hasn't come to school." Well, you shouldn't use 'came', reason being because, 'came' is a past tense and this isn't suppose to be in the past tense.

So as you can see all the errors I have pointed out above ^ are mostly tense error so do brush up on your tense and know when or when not to use them, do proofread your story.

Character ( 13/20 )

How should I say this...hmmm...Han Ri is a very boring character to me honestly, there isn't any special spark that caught my attention about her, but she does seem really naive and hopeless. Wouldn't it be good if she was more tough and strong? She seems like a weakling that can be crushed down by just anyone. I know 3 chapters is too short to elaborate and describe Jong In's character as well, but do give more information about him, about them, their back story, maybe a flashback on how he confessed to Han Ri.

Originality & Storyline ( 10/20 )

Your story isn't really unique but the plot is really good and if used correctly, it will be a very nice, heartwarming, touching and sad story; all in one, but honestly 3 chapters isn't enough to complete this plot as a whole. First off, i'm surprised at how straightforward Han Ri's mother is. Her mother even cut her off and immediately told her that she has lung cancer and it can't be cured. Usually parents(especially single parents) would comfort and tell their child that everything is going to be okay and that she will get better soon even though the harsh reality was that she has to die, one way or another. I was hoping that she found out from the doctor instead of her own mother.

I get that you want her mother to be straightforward despite her knowing that she is literally going to be alone with no husband and no child, this is unique, but in a bad way. It isn't good because it's a turn off to most readers. I don't know, her mother seems really unmotivational, if she would just told Han Ri that she has lung cancer, that would be okay, but the part 'and it can't be cured' isn't really necessary, that's more of what doctors would say.

And also, the cancer news is like a bomb. It literally hit me like a bomb. It's too sudden, which isn't good as well. You should leave some hints along the way so that the readers can follow up, but I think you did try to make a hint, the medicine right? It's not a good enough hint honestly because readers wouldn't know what medicine you're talking about. Does she have a cold or something?

Overall ( 50/80 )

Overall I don't really like your story because of the way it's written but as I said in the last section that it would be good if you were to extend the whole story and add in more details and more Jong In and stuff, but of course i'm gonna leave that up to you but once again, thank you for requesting at KMS & HMH Review Shop! Do remember to credit the shop in your foreword so that I can cancel your name off the list.

-Moon Hae