I lost count of the days. Is it Saturday or Monday? All I truly know is that I felt empty. I couldn’t really sleep nor eat. I shut myself from all my friend, even Him Chan hyung. I always confine in him, but I guess I’m too deep into my misery to even talk to him. They know I needed some time alone, but do I really need time to be alone?

I hasn’t been sober for days. Not that I’m drunk or anything. I just don’t feel like I’m truly living like I used to. All I did was wake up from dreaming every night and decided to put on my shoe and walk around the neighbourhood. Bear in mind that I’m doing this 2 in the morning. Something about the chilly midnight wind make me relax as I lean into it.

All I can remember was that particular Sunday. God, just the thought of it make me fall to my knees, but why do I feel this way? My heart aches but I don’t know why? What actually happen? All I remember was just this one small clips of memories. The memories of us having breakfast together. I made her eggs and sausages which is her favourite, but two eggs don’t last like the feeling of what I need. Why am I only remembering this memories?

I was puzzled by what my memories choose to show me. I know I felt about it because all I did was smile, but then sadness hits me. But why sadness? What actually did happen after that which cause sadness to engulf me?

As I walk passed one of the many houses in the neighbourhood, I realize that this place seems familiar to me. Instantly, another clips of memory flash before me. I saw her again. She look angelic and sweet, pulling my hand with a devilish grin. Again I smile. It seems all I do is smile when she flash across my mind. She led me upstairs and shut the door right in my face. A small laugh escape my lips as I know it was just a cruel joke, but it felt like she left me dying to get in.

I decided that it’s enough walking around for tonight and went back home. I wonder who that girl that is in those memories is. She felt familiar and make my heart flutter uncontrollably. I figure that she is someone I know since she cross my mind so many times as I took a walk around the neighbourhood. Most importantly, I think I had loved her.

I scroll through my phone’s gallery to see if I kept any photo of her. Turns out, it’s filled with her photos. Some of it has me in it, but it’s mostly of her just doing the most random-est thing possible. Even then, she looks like an angel that has descended on earth. She is truly beautiful, but who is this girl? She must be someone extremely important and close to me if I have so many photos of her in my phone, but I just couldn’t figure it out.

I decided to call Him Chan hyung to ask her who she is. I’m probably crazy or annoying or just both for calling hyung at this hours at night, but he has always been very understanding. I wonder if he will pick up at this hours though. Regardless, I’m going to try my luck. I really need to know who she is.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hyung, forgive me, but I’m trying to find my calling. I’m sorry that I’m calling you at night. I don’t mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? I will send you her picture. She’s been running through my dreams and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know who she is, but I think I love her. I had a feeling that I’m going to ask her to marry me.” I said without taking a breath. But all I got was a dissatisfying and annoyed sigh from hyung. I really shouldn’t bother him at this hour.

I try going back to sleep, but all I can think about is her. I don’t believe in love, but I’m quite determine to call it a bluff right now. I don’t really know who she is, but I couldn’t deny these butterflies that are filling my guts. She can be a figment of my imagination, but all the photos and the complicated feelings I have for her tells me that she isn’t a figment of my imagination.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night because all I can think of is this girl. I tried walking around the neighbourhood again. All my life, I had never woke up this early in the morning. I passed by the house that seems so familiar to me and I wonder why. I stood there just observing this house. Trying my best to find an answer.

The lady next door is watering her roses in the early morning. She saw me and smiled. Should I ask her who lived in this house? I walked over to her and said good morning. I proceed to ask her about the occupants in the house. The lady said she moved away long time and the house has been abandoned since. This information is not the answer I seek, but I thanked her for her time.

As I walk back to my home, my phone beeped and I saw that it was a text from Him Chan hyung. In my life, I never knew that words can hurt someone as much as it had hurt me. It is just a text and yet it had the ability to kill me. This is the revelation I needed. The answer I seek.

Hyung said that this girl that I have been seeing in my memories is my ex. Not only that, but she had passed away from cancer. She passed away for a few months now. We used to live together in a house around where I am currently living. He said that I moved out from that home I shared with her because it kills me to be in a placed that is filled with her memories, but somehow, I don’t have the heart to leave that place completely. So I ended up staying in a place around that house. He also said that she left me a letter and it’s in a pink box next to my bed stand that I should read.

I ran back home as fast as I can because I need to know what she wrote. My mind tells me that hyung might be just pulling a prank on me, but somehow, in my heart, I know that he is not joking around. As he had said, there really was a pink box next to my bed stand. I open the box and I saw a two identical rings, a blue envelope with my name on it and picture of us together. I open the letter and it said

“Dear Jong Up,

By the time you receive this letter, know that I’m no longer here. I’m not coming back in anyway and I’m sorry. Please forgive me. What I have done to you is something so terrible that I’m terrified to speak. I can only confess my sins in this letter. I’m not calling you, even though you expect that from me. To be honest, I’m mixed up and I will be blunt. I had stage 4 cancer and I got diagnosed too late for the doctor to do anything. I only have a few months to live when I got the news. Trust me when I say that I enjoy the last few months of my life with you. I am very thankful for all that you had done for me. You were the love of my life. You drive me crazy, but in the right way. I know we talk about marriage and starting a family, but I am sorry I couldn’t do all this with you in this life time. I am sorry for not telling you this any earlier as I thought I can shield you from the pain, but what is done is done. All I can do is just hope the rain can wash me out of your mind. It would be a lie to say that I don’t worry about you because of what I have done and what we had been through. I am worry that you won’t make it through. You were the love of my life. The only one that I had ever love. Don’t worry about me. I’m at home in the clouds. I’m keeping an eye on the world from so many thousands of feet off the ground.

From:

Your Angels”