Everything is dusty now. And the little spider that I didn’t know had grows up to have their little home in the corners of this old place. I never knew this place is this spacious. How can this place look so crowded before with all this furniture? Damn, why did I even bother to come back to pick some useless piece of papers.

 

Paints are all peeling from the wall. Well, how can it not peel off? It’s been almost 2 years or so. I don’t really remember. I just know it’s a long time. Every room in this house has a memory of its own. Yes it’s empty, but the memories still lives. It’s kind of like travelling down memory lane again. I expected myself to get all choked up when I reach this place, but I didn’t. I guess I moved on?

 

I finally found the room where I used to live in. I never thought I lived in that tiny room at the end of the house, but then again, I was lucky that I found a room to live in with my minimum wage. Looking back at that little empty room, I realize that I have changed so much. This room that I am standing in used to the palace of my dream. Now, it’s just another small room. I used to thank god for a roof over my head, but now I have taken this fact for granted. It’s just a few years and yet I have changed so much.

 

I found the little cabinet that I used to put all my document in. I swear, I didn’t know that this document is so important. It’s just a few sheets of paper with a lot of words and yet it is capable of changing my world. I guess I didn’t really change that much. I still don’t understand the purpose of all this document and stuff. I guess I was lucky to not throw away that little key of mine.

 

That little key used to be the charm of my simple bracelet. I was afraid of losing that key so I put it as a charm and wear it like a bracelet so I know that this key is always with me. I don’t have any place to hide or keep my important stuff and I was blessed to have that little cupboard that has a build in lock in it. So, I would keep all my valuable stuff inside that cupboard and lock it up.

 

Aish! Stupid cupboard is still so stubborn. It’s always so hard to open that stupid cupboard. I don’t know if it’s old or what, but it just a hell to open up that thing. I guess something just never changes. At least my cupboard still behaves like it used to. I wonder why I never bother to collect the things in this cupboard especially when there are documents in that cupboard.

 

I finally opened up that cupboard and I see the reason why I did not bother to collect the item inside that cupboard. It doesn’t only contain the document I needed, but photographic memories of my past relationship. Yeah, there’s boyfriend A and B and C and also Jung Daehyun. Yup, that is the boy that I love and hate so much. Jung Daehyun, what have you done to me?

 

I decided to sit down and go through all those pictures. I ignored the picture of A, B and C and solely focus on photos of me and Daehyun. We look really cute together. What happen to us that we have drifted to be strangers now? I don’t really remember what happen, but I knew something happen because these pictures are the best evidence that can evoke those memories of  us being lovers once upon a time. But what really happen to us?

 

As I’m going through the pictures, memories come drifting back to me. I remember now. He was my new housemate who turn out to be my one and only housemate. At first, he looks like another bossy who thinks he’s too good for anyone, but as time passes, we realize that we had much in common and that was the start of everything.  It was relatively easy to be together since we live in the same house. It just feels so natural to bring our friendship to a whole new level.

 

It was definitely the best relationship I had among all the guys I dated, but we didn’t last. It was only time before we realize that there’s trouble in paradise. It’s not about us being unfaithful to each other; it’s just us in general. We just realize that we’re not the person that we think we are and that disappointment leads to us breaking up. It was also around that time that I was offer a new job and I forced to move out as it’s more convenient for me to go to work if I’m staying at another place.

 

Of course we never contacted each other after I have moved out of that house. There was nothing to reminiscence about, but that is exactly what I wanted to do. I miss him. A lot and I know that there’s nothing I can do because I know he will never accept me or my apologies. It was difficult living in a new environment where you’re all alone when you’re so used to be in the arms of your lover whenever you’re at home.

 

It’s the worst at night as I’m all alone in my new apartment. I constantly have to tell myself that I’ll be okay now that he’s gone.  Even so, I would only remember his hot whiskey eyes piercing through my souls. All I do now is replaces those passionate stares of yours with a cold glass of whiskey, wishing that it would fanned the flames of my dying heart. Maybe I will burn a little brighter tonight, wishing that this fire would breathe me back to life.

 

Daehyun, you are very much my blanket of security. Like the picket fence outside of this old abandon house, protecting us from the dangerous of the outside world. It would be a lie to say that I didn’t miss you during those hard times, but right now, I kind of miss those feeling of missing you. Do you still remember that one summer day we spend on the public pool? That chlorine kiss we sneakily have when we’re under the turquoise pool. Those summer skin we get from being under the hot afternoon sun.

 

It’s probably hard to remember those good and bad times because I truly miss the feeling of missing you.  Do you remember that you once told me that sometimes, before things get better, the darkness gets bigger as well? I remember those words well because I never expected the person that I will take a bullet for is the one behind the trigger. We’re fading so fast that I couldn’t even stop down and think what is happening.

 

Things were getting so bad that I couldn’t even look at you when we’re alone together. I know my eyes are only full of hatred and pain because I see through your heart when we’re sitting in the living room. All you did was just pushing all your accusation to me, giving me all this filth and bull. You do like to make things rough for me don’t you?  You do want me to trash this love I treasure the most do you?

 

Before this downfall, I made a promise to myself that I will do anything to make you happy. If I have to sing a lullaby to you everyday just to take away your pain, then I will do exactly that. But now, all I wanted to do was to kill you. I am super pleased to hear that you got it bad when I’m doing just fine. I am happy to know that I am at my best when you’re not there with me. This is what you have made out of me. A demon spending all her waking hours waiting for you to fall to the pits of hell.

 

But then, these were just all my childish thoughts that I once had. This childish thought only occurs because of the pain that you have caused me. Daehyun ah, you really have no idea the amount of you have put me through. I try my best to move on from this relationship. I could not lose to see you win this one. Despite all this hatred, I miss you. All I wanted was to run back to your welcoming arms.

 

All of these are just a part of my past. I have moved on now. I still hate you for the that you have put me through, Daehyun. But I am glad that you came in to my life. You have no idea the amount of things you have taught me with and without your presence in my life. I don’t truly miss you right now because I’m too occupied with my currently life to think about you.

 

I did not realize that I’m starring at that broken window trying to recollect these memories of ours. It’s definitely a beautiful summer days with the sun shining so bright. I collected the document that I needed and this pictures and prepare myself to leave this place. As much as I hate all this picture I’m holding, I cannot deny that it’s a part of me. I took one last glance and this place that I once stayed and said my silence goodbye. I know I won’t be coming back to this place anymore. That little key… well, I don’t really know what to do with it. Maybe I will keep as a little reminder to myself that I miss the feeling of missing someone called Jung Daehyun.