I don’t know where I’m going tonight. All I know is that I wanted to get as far away from here as I possibly can. Would any stranger be kind enough to offer one more room for this troubled soul? I know everyone’s probably worry about me, but I really needed this time alone. I told myself that I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead. These roads that I’m heading are to my own ruins.

 

Sitting by the roadside, just watching cars passing by. At least they know where they are heading.  I saw the setting dawn and the rising twilight. Tonight is exceptionally beautiful with those little silver stars shining bright against the navy sky. I am hopeless, aimless to be exact. I don’t know what I’m doing tonight. I just know I want to be alone. No, I don’t want to be alone. The cold November wind reminds me of the chilling sadness hiding within my soul. No, I don’t want to be alone. I want to be in the arms of a stranger. Just taking a chance and forget everything that has happen.  

 

Just like I promised, I check in today if I don’t wake up dead. It’s not easy being dead nor is it easier to die. Like usual, Zelo will be the first one to get a hold of me. Zelo, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your presences; it’s just that I need some time to clear my own mind.

 

“Noona, where are you?” “Somewhere far away so that you will never get a hold on me” “Can you please not joke about this? Everyone is worry about you!” “I know……. But it’s not the first time I’ve done something like this. You know I need sometime alone to clear my own mind.” “But it’s unsafe for you to go MIA  like that. You’re a girl after all…..” “Look, I know you’re worry about me, but I am your noona after all. I know how to take care of myself ok?” “But!” *hang up the phone*

 

Somehow, I can just never get away from Zelo. This little brat will always end up finding me no matter how much I try to hide from him. It’s like playing hide and seeks, but you know that you’ll never win.

 

Hours had passed, minutes too. It seems to be such a luxury to be able to just watch this car past and allowing the wind to mess up your hair without a single worry. How long has it been that I have actually felt such freedom?

 

“Noona.” I turn around to see the face that I always have seen when I’m in despair. “How did you find me?” “I have my ways of finding you.” “Can you tell me how?” “That is not important now. You should get back to your family. They are worry about you.”

 

As always, you will see that tall dongsaeng holding the hand of his short noona, leading her back to the safety of her home.

 

A never changing scene of him carries me back to my home in broken pieces. Some would say he’s my guardian angel who is always there to help me pick up the pieces in my life. But today, my angel brought a change of scene with him. We did not go back home as we always would. Instead, he drives miles and miles away to this unfamiliar land. We sat by the roadside again. Instead of car, I see a sea of green nature in front of me. I look into his dark chocolate eyes as I was uncertain of what he’s planning. He seems to know my uncertainty and said “I know you’re pretty messed up and all. Dragging you back to your home won’t be the answer because you will try to run away again. So I brought you to this place where I used to hide when I needed some peace. I don’t know how much this place can help you, but I’m willing to try anything to make you feel better.”

 

We found a spot under a big old tree. I would have mind the muddy ground if it wasn’t cover with all dry up leaves. We sit there staring at the emerald city below the clear blue sky. It was a change of scene from where I was few hours ago, but it’s still a luxury to be able to be this carefree. I guess I got my wish after all. I wanted someone next to me so I would feel less lonely from this cold that I’m catching from within. There he was, sitting so close next to me.

 

Looking up at his jaw line, I realize that he look like an angel with heaven’s light shining down at him. Maybe it’s just the afternoon ray, maybe this is the first time I actually look at Zelo, I just know that he look beautiful . I rest my head against his shoulder, just taking in the scent that he gave off. I expect him to shrieked, but he didn’t. Is he comfortable with me being so close to him?

 

“Zelo, I’m sorry that I behave the way I did. I lost my track in life. I don’t know whose fault is it, but I know it’s not mine. I’m a maniac and it’s really not funny anymore. It used to be because I was happy, but I not. I guess most of my friends are happy now that my heart and mind are broken into millions of pieces. They always love it more when it’s broken. It’s not their fault either that I don’t listen to their advice. I should have knows better.”

 

“Noona, if you want, we can be alone together. We could always stay young forever. I am always there waiting for you. Hoping that one day you would accept me. I know that I don’t have the right to be your man due to my age, but I wanted to. You always cut me off because you think I’m not making any sense because I’m younger than you. I’m always outside the door waiting for you to invite me in. I don’t want us to go back into our life and play pretend anymore. You know that I like you. So why wouldn’t you let me in? Don’t you want to be feels loved? Don’t you?”

 

I admit that I know Zelo have feeling for me. I admit that I was never willing to accept him due to his age. I never thought he would be bold enough to say these things to me. Maybe we’re alone, maybe he feels my pain, maybe he really wants me and I don’t really know. I am not sure about my feeling for him because I never thought he would be a potential lover. I am always thankful that he’s by my side whenever I need someone.

 

“Angel, Angel, how you have taken care of me. Can you do me a favor and not ask me to choose sides? I just want to be alone together with you for today. So please, let my aching head rest in our warm shoulders. “ . I close my eyes without looking for his reaction. I don’t want to see or think anything. I just want to rest my head and forget about the world.

 

I felt warm arm around me moments later accompany by a gentle kiss on my forehead. “As you wish, I will be alone, together with you.”

 

 For once, I felt truly warm and loved. For once I felt warms radiating from the inside of my soul subsiding all these chills. Is this what it really likes to be loved? Is this what it likes to feel this warm? So what am I feeling all this while is not love?