As I traveled all around the world for concerts and gigs, I still can't forget the last words I said to her before I left and the hurt I caused her. Hurt don't even specify it, it's more like grief and betrayal. 

What am I supposed to do? I'm ing selfish and I had always been one and nothing will change that even though I love the damn girl so much.

Music is my life just as much as she is but I'm not leaving it for a mere thing called 'Love'. No way, you kidding me? I worked so hard just to throw that away? I'd rather be stabbed and shot in the head. That's how ridiculous it is to me when I see people throw away their dreams for love.

 

I sat in front of the piano writing my latest song that's been itching to be sung and played. Of cause it's a song of her again. She'll always be my song, she's always in my head and will always be in my heart. She hates me now but that doesn't stop me from loving her and she knows it.

 

A knock on the door stops me from writing and I called whoever that is to come in.

"We're going to be late for our flight back to Korea, are you ready?" My manager and long time friend Junsu smiled from the door. I waved lazily at him grabbing all my papers and stuffing them in my file. "Yeah, I'm ready. Is my brother with you?"

He moved aside letting me out first before following behind me as we made our way down to the lobby from the suite. 

"He's waiting for you in the car. He didn't want to disturb you knowing you were writing. He was with his guitar writing too, it sounded great."

 

I nodded. Kai writes as good as me. He's my brother after all and I'm proud of it. He's been featured in my videos and accompanies me on stage multiple times before and he gained fans of his own with his charm and musical abilities. To add on to that list is of cause his dancing. To tell you the truth, he's more talented than me but that doesn't change the fact that I love him to bits and I have no jealous bone in my body for this kid.

 

--

 

"Do you think sis is back? I haven't seen her in a million years." Kai walks beside me through the airport when we're back in Korea with his finger on his lip. He should stop biting that damn lip of his, it's a habit that needs to change. And the same about his exaggeration about what he said. But I won't tell him that, I shrug. "She should be back. She told me that she would by the time we're back from the down under."

He beamed. Can't stop the boy from loving his sister that treats him like a baby even though he's 20 years old now. Traits of being the baby of the family I guess.

"What she get you this time, you think?" I asked, smirking. He laughed fixing his cap on his head. "I don't know, whatever it is it'll still be great." He glanced at me and from that look I knew what he'll ask. I shake my head in a warning. "Don't."

He raised his hands in defence. "What? I didn't say anything."

"You were going to ask and I know that look when I see one. And no, I am not calling her." He knows who I'm talking about and it's not about our sister. He sighed looking away. "Come on Jae, I love you really. You're the best brother in the world but seriously. You can't let her go, it's killing you and it's killing her. Music is not everything."

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to him in the middle of the airport seeing all of our crew walk past us with Junsu out the exit knowing this conversation is not for their ears.  

"I know it sounds selfish to you Jongin because it is, it will always be selfish but I will be selfish because music is my life. You are too but that's because you're my little brother and we are forever with each other, we are blood but music is my soul. I'll choose it from love any day. End of." I'm hurt and feel like a bag of saying it but nothing will change. Seeing my brother worried for me is not what I want right now. I sighed and hooked my arm on his shoulders and pull him out of the exit. "Don't sweat about me little kid. You worry to much."

"How can I not worry?" He looked at me as me joined back with the rest. I smile nudging his head away playfully. "I know."

And our conversation ends there but I know it'll never end. Not when Kai is around hearing me sing about her all the time. But I don't mind.

 

"SIS! You back?" I shook my head when Kai shout out the second we step into our home. He ran in and I head into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I heard excited chatter and knew she's back. Kai could be a chick sometimes, but that's only when he's with his sister.

"Hey rockstar, any new bra's thrown at you this time? Any particular color and size?" Hyuna walked in with her blonde hair and killer heels. Well, my little sister has grown up. I glanced at her clothes and shook my head. "The hell you wearing kid."

She snorts with Kai beside her chuckling. "Clothes, duh." I rise my brow in a don't-smart-mouth-me look. She rolls her eyes and gave me a spin. "It's called fashion and it's in these days, it's the same style you wear just....a female and ier version." 

ier doesn't even cut it. That's barely a shirt and she added more ink in. I don't want to argue with her, so I just dropped it. She did nothing harmful and she is wearing jeans, even though it looked like second skin because of how tight it is. Not leaving anything to the imagination. 

"Where did you go this time, kid?" I asked taking a drink. She sat herself down beside Kai that grabbed a banana and she snatched it out of his hands. "I went to Japan."

"Again?" Kai asked. Not fazed at all when his sister snatched what was in his hands a second ago and grabbed a new one on the table without a complaint.  

"Yep. Friends told me there's places there that I had to go and check out so I went." She bit into the banana. "It was cool. Lot's of things to see and get. Totally worth it."

 

I took off my jacket and threw it on the island leaning on it with crossed arms.

"Won't you follow me to UK for my concert? You always go where your friends asked but when I ask you, you never want too." I know I sounded like a total chick but I want my sister with me as much as my brother. We only have each other after all and I've always been taking care of them. They're stuck with me.

"You know I would love to be there for you Jae, but you know that I hate being around all that. I hate it when I hear people shout 'Beautiful 3' at us. It's so cheesy but I don't need anyone else to tell me we're beautiful, I know it quite well thanks." She's trying to suppress her smile but I know better. I know it of cause, not being vain at all. But I know we're too pretty for our own good. Blame our parents and our ancestors for mixing around the right places. 

 

"Oh come on sis! Join us this one time, it would be fun! We could jam like last time. You keyboard, me guitar and bro vocals. We'll be a hit!" Kai shook her arm lightly with his begging voice. Hyuna sighed placing her hand on his to stop him. "But I'm not into these stuff. I don't want people to call me 'Jae's sister' I want them to call my name or even better, don't know me at all. I want a normal life."

"Normal life of travel and shopping? Is that a life?" I asked. She nods without hesitation. "I'll choose this life rather than having no freedom anytime."

I get her point but still. "Fine. But you have to follow us one day, alright?" She smiled sweetly. "Deal."

"Double deal!" Kai pumped his fist up and high fived Hyuna and the both of them hooted the roof off like a bunch of hooligans.

I rolled my eyes and pushed myself off the island. "Alright you two. Let's get out of here."

 

--

 

We ate out and hung out with each other for a few days since we rarely get this chance to be together after I got known and it got a lot more difficult after I started my tour. But when we got the chance we would spend it with just us three every second of the day without fail.

And I knew the topic would come up again, it always does and it always starts with that same sideways look from them and I knew it was coming.

I placed my fork down and sighed. "Just spit it out, Hyuna." I wiped my mouth with the cloth and rested back on my chair.

"What? I didn't say anything." She glances at me again playing with her food on the plate giving Kai another look and the both of them blink at me.

"What do you want me to do? Leave everything I worked my off for years and go to her? Drop everything like it means nothing to me?" I asked them calmly but I'm anything but calm. I'm full on annoyed with this. What's the big damn deal? It's this job that's keeping us out of the damn street. Not like they know, they didn't have to worry about these things because I was the one that pulled us out of that hell. But that's the past and they could take care of themselves if they wanted too and I'm proud of that too.

Hyuna bit her lip, she knew that I was anything but calm. "It's just, you've been with her since I could remember and I thought you were going to marry her."

"Me too. I really liked her Jae, she was really good to us." Kai mumbled poking on his steak. I pinched the bridge of my nose. I know how much they loved her, I love her too god damn it. "It's nearly been 3 years since we separated. Don't you think it's time to let her go?"

"If you let her go, we will too." Kai glanced up at me knowingly.

 

I will one day, but it's hard. She's the love of my life and I want to be with her for the rest of my life but I will not allow anyone or anything to come between my dream. And I have it, I've achieved it and I will never let it go.

I never understood when people drop their dreams for 'Love'. Never will.

 

I looked at my siblings and see the sadness in their eyes. It breaks me and I want them to be happy but not when it's about this. I want to be happy too and this makes me happy. Love can be found but this dream can be lost forever. But I need to assure them somehow, even though it's a lie. I'll do anything.

 

"Deal." I nod trying to sound and look like I mean it and they finally smiled. That's what I love. "Ah, there's the beautiful people I know. Welcome back." I teased and they laughed before continuing to eat.

 

I laughed along glancing to my right without any reason at all and my eyes landed on her like my eyes itself knew she was there and wanted to see her. She was seated at the far end and I don't know how I found her past all of the tables between us but I did. She's as beautiful as always with her long flowing black hair, so black that it sometimes looks bluish. 

Happiness I felt of seeing her again was short lived of cause when I see the man that's seated across from her laughing along with her. The stab is pretty deep now but I didn't show it in my face. I'm pretty good at it so I wasn't worried if my siblings look at my face and find a blank faced older brother suddenly. Good music would be made with this pain today, so things will be ok.

I look away and smiled at them. "Want desert?" They both cheered and that made me laugh again. They're precious. 

 

--

 

We walked out of the restaurant and I walked ahead.

"You two wait here while I get my car." I looked over my shoulder at them giving them the eye. "Don't run away somewhere. Got it?"

They rolled their eyes and I chuckled.

 

I reached my car and was about to unlock it when someone called my name from behind me. I knew who it was and I don't like it even though I love it so much. Why was she even talking to me. I really hoped she wouldn't.

I took a deep breath and turned with a smile.

"Hyeri." is all I could say as I watch her hurriedly walked towards me. She's smiling but it doesn't reach her eyes. Why does she want to talk to me when it brings sadness to her? Nothing will change.

"Jae, you're back." she breathed and I nodded. "Yes. A week ago." than I added knowing she would ask. "Australia."

"Australia. That's cool." she bit her lip. What am I supposed to say? I don't want to talk to her but she seemed to want to talk to me but she's not doing anything. I know she wants to talk about us but I'm not going to start that when I know where it'll lead us. And that is a huge fight.

"Jae I-" "Don't hurt yourself Hyeri. You know better." I shook my head, stepping back but she stepped forward. "I do but I will keep trying. I know I look desperate to you Jae but I love you and you love me too. How do you expect me to drop this so easily knowing we both want each other?"

I know what she means. I understand perfectly because I can't drop this too. I have to lie. "Dropping this is easy because I will not drop music for you Hyeri. I told you how music is important to me and nothing will come between just to get what I want. You knew this when you knew me."

"I know that! But why! Music is not forever!" She cried. Tears flowed down her face and this is why I don't want to face her. I always made her cry and after I made it clear to her the last time, it was the last time I wiped it off. If I reached for her, it would only made her hope.

"Music will never die. Love could be found but if I lose this, I can never get it back and I'm at my highest." I tried to reason with her. Tell her she could find better but she never listened. I know it's easy for me to say since I'm a guy and for a girl it's a different story but what else could I do?

"I'm selfish Hyeri, and will always be selfish. The only ones I will keep around me are my siblings and I have been keeping them waiting for too long. I have to go." I turned unlocking my door but before I could step in. Arms wrapped around my waist and it killed me inside. I shut my eyes.

"Don't leave me. I love you." she whispered and I could feel her shaking from crying. I want to hold her and comfort her but I know better than to do that if I'm still planning on leaving. Slowly, I pried her arms off me and turned to her.

"You have to let me go. I care for you still but what you're asking from me is a family. More that I can't give you. Live your life, find someone and be happy. If you love me enough, you'll let me go."

"I'm not giving up." is what I heard her whisper when I got into my car before driving off.

 

"Dude! What took you!" Kai jumped in with a huff and Hyuna after him. "Yeah, it took you long enough. Did you forget where you parked this sportsie, old man?" They fastened themselves in and I chuckled. "That's exactly it." I lied through my teeth. "Let's get home."

 

"Jaejoong oppa..." Hyuna cooed cutely after a few minutes of silence and the other brat called after. "Jae hyung..."

I pressed my lips into a straight line. There's only one reason why they called me in korean like that and that they want something from me. They've never called me 'Oppa' and 'Hyung' since they were little and only used that on me to soften the blow of what's to come.

"Spit it out brats. What did you find." 

 

--

 

People that knows me harbor a little hate for me, for the things I chose to do and how selfish I could be. But people tend to forget how selfish I am with myself most of the time just because they see hurt in others I might have caused.

I hurt myself more than they think but I never think only of myself. My siblings are my number one priority and I've sacrificed a lot in my life for them. I think it's time I chose my happiness when it finally laid in front of me. 

Performing had always been my dream and I finally got it and I'm taking it, even if it causes hurt along the way.

This is life and life mean sacrifices and sometimes you have to make painful ones to take this happiness when you know you deserve it and it's better when the people you love the most is living happily too because of it.

This will never change. Call me the devil if you want. Call me heartless.

I'm only human.