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Story Link

Granted By: ShineBFIsland501

Title: Gifted Time

Author: Seunghyunsu

Title

The title is quite unique and eye-catching and I think that the reason why is because the title didn’t start with “the” nor does it hint that the story is about romance, which is a frequently used genre. By reading the foreword and description, it is obvious that the title is relevant to the story. The title makes the readers curious as to what the meaning is behind the story too. It  is not too general, but it also doesn’t give the reader too much detail about the story and that is what will pull them in.

Description and Foreword
The description is good because it doesn’t give away too much of the story and readers are able to understand what the main focus of this story will be. The main problem is stated clearly and is straightforward so that is good. The description is a little confusing for me, especially the second paragraph because I’m not sure whose perspective it is based on. Also, by reading the description and foreword, the story seems as though it will be a cliché. The description and foreword are okay, but they don’t really capture my attention.

Appearance

The poster is good because it includes the main characters, but it doesn’t give the readers an idea about the story. Maybe putting a clock or something that shows that they are sick will give the readers a better idea of the story. The background is okay and it doesn’t distract the readers from the story, but I don’t understand why there are birds.

Plot

The plot is mostly confusing in the middle, but the story is believable even though the plot is cliché for the most part. But what I was disappointed in the most was at the end because it was not as good as I expected it to be since the secrets weren’t all revealed and it would have been good if you gave little hints throughout the story that Yixing’s biological mother was following the family or give a chapter to show the mother’s perspective. But, I believe that this story is original although I think that there are too many problems to face. Yixing kept writing in the diary, so I would have liked to see more of Luhan reading the entries just to see more of his reactions and feelings towards the news.

Grammar

For someone who does not have English as their first language, it is good and it is clear that you are great at using complex words as they are used well for the most part. Also, there are barely any spelling mistakes. The main thing that I advise you to do is check over your story for some mistakes that you may have missed. I’ll just point out some of the mistakes like for example, you sometimes put the commas in wrong places or where it is unnecessary. Along with that, you sometimes use the wrong punctuation, too. Also, there are a mix of past and present tense throughout your whole story which is what people struggle with when they don’t have English as their first language.Another mistake that you have made is using the wrong homonym like the words your and you’re. Also, you are misusing the semi-colon and sometimes use the semi-colon when you should be using the colon instead in some cases. And, remember to start a new paragraph when you are talking about another person or when a different person is talking. Lastly, you are missing some words like anand some prepositions. Here are a few mistakes which I have found throughout the story:

Incorrect: Principal Park asked in hard tone, controlled-voice

Correct: Principal Park asked in a hard toned, controlled-voice

Incorrect: The staffs were busy with the food preparation.

Correct: The staff were busy with the food preparation.

Incorrect: Principal Park approached closer to her, “It looks like Jaemi was no longer here.”

Correct: Principal Park approached her. “It looks like Jaemi is no longer here.”

Incorrect: She took a knife and helped cutting the fruit. “You’re nemesis is finally gone,” She continued. “You should be happy.”

Correct: She took a knife and helped cut the fruit. “Your nemesis is finally gone,” she continued, “so you should be happy.”

Incorrect: "I have no idea why she hates you so much." Principal Park added. Lu Fei An did not understand it either. She could not figure it out how Jaemi knew about her secret; about Yixing. In the end, she decided not to think about it anymore. Jaemi was not longer here, so that was the end of their constant conflict. 

Correct: "I have no idea why she hates you so much." Principal Park added.

Lu Fei An did not understand it either. She could not figure it out how Jaemi knew about her secret, Yixing. In the end, she decided not to think about it anymore. Jaemi was not longer here, so that was the end of their constant conflict. 

Incorrect: In her average household, Lu Fei An still able to provide enough and

Correct: In her average household, Lu Fei An was still able to provide enough and

Incorrect: His headache was not that hurt anymore, but the

Correct: His head did not hurt anymore, but the

Flow
The flow, in my opinion, is a little too fast that you weren’t able to expand on some of the events. For the ending, it was really quick that I was shocked because it just seemed like a blur. Also, you didn’t really give a lot of details for the part when Yixing was getting his surgery and when his biological mom took him away from Luhan and Fei An when they were the most crucial parts. I did not even know if Luhan and Fei An were there at that moment when Yixing was taken away.

Characterization

The characters were believable, but there was nothing different or new that made them interesting. They just seemed like normal families. I would like to have seen the characters’ perspectives more and you tried to do that by doing the diary entry which was good and which I enjoyed. The only character whose role I don’t understand is Jaemi who is supposed to be Fei An’s enemy. I wasn’t sure if she was the biological mother or how she knew the secret, so I would have liked to seen more details as to why Fei An loathed her.

Comments/Enjoyment

This story was well thought out, but the main thing that bothered me was that the story was too fast and the ending was pretty much non-existent in my opinion. It was a touching story, though.