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Granted By: macchiato-

Title: The Killer's Eye

Author: toastest

Title

To such magnificent plot, I personally think it would have been better to create an indirect, yet still related title to boost the readers' interests. Frankly saying, I would not be interested enough to click on The Killer's Eye if I were to find it by accident. It does have a tad bit of relation to the plot, but it doesn't have enough appeal to keep me going. Maybe it has something to do with the prompts of the contest? I don't know, I just think you have a great potential to build up a more, appealing title rather than something direct and simple like this.

Foreword/Description

If your title didn't keep me reading, your description managed to take the job over.

I was just ... blown. Your wide ranges of vocabulary, your promising language fluency, your amazing technique of merging words to words, forming them into basically a sentence that enhance nothing but your readers' curiousities, and of course, the final line on the entire description:

The cold was only outstripped by his fear.

Do I need to say more?

Appearance

Perfect formatting, suitable font size and type, simple layout. Just great. Mind me, but there really is nothing to talk about in this section isn't there?

Plot

One word: magnificent. I couldn’t think of any better adjective to express my thoughts about your story (mind the lack of my vocabulary); it was just amazingly magnificent.

The idea of starting it from the end, intentionally or not, is very brilliant and I do have to commend you for that. Writers nowadays tend to ignore that technique but you just nailed it wisely; properly. The fact that you revealed a tiny bit of the twist in the very beginning of your story marked the powerful introduction one could ever write. It basically means you have gained one hundred percent of your readers’ interests by the time they read your first few paragraphs - how great is that?

And then there is the transition. I can’t praise you enough for your transitions. Your approach was actually pretty common since you leaned onto the technique of flashbacks, something that almost everyone has got used to already. But here in The Killer’s Eye, that very common approach was written in a way that managed to make it appear peculiar. The transitions that you used to alter the present track onto what had happened prior to it were amazing. I don’t really know to put this in words so I may look like I’m rambling now, but basically, you have great transitions which, of course, smoothened the flow of your story.

Onto the resolution. I had expected that Taemin was going to die as I reached the middle of the story. The ending is nothing surprising. The overall plotline is actually quite simple as well. However – I do have to repeat this all over again – the technique that you used just knocked everything; it strengthened your resolution to the point that every of your readers would be left in a mess of awe. I mean, how do you expect me to get over your last sentence?

The temperature dropped by several degrees.

… It almost felt like I was killed by the killer right and then.

One thing that is missing, though, is the relation of the overall plotline to your title. The only things that I know from the killer are his unordinary accent and “the glint in the eye.”

I think there could have been some better ways to relate your plot with the title. Yes, you sure had described about Minseok’s eyes in some parts of the story, but some things just failed it. Instead of saying that there was a glint in his eye over and over again, it would have been a lot better if you have thrown more descriptions in regard to it. Repetitions, in this case, would work too. The current descriptions of Minseok’s eyes that you have are very weak that it didn’t manage to convince me that the title represents the entire plot after all.

Grammar

The first thing that I noticed when I started reading the story was the overused of colons, semicolons, and dashes. No one says that those punctuations are to be avoided, but when writers use it, they tend to ignore the basic rules of each symbol. You, however, are not one of those writers.

Your semicolons and dashes are perfectly in their places. I am a bit unfamiliar with colons so I tried to google it and found this:

“Use a colon instead of a semicolon between two sentences when the second sentence explains or illustrates the first sentence and no coordinating conjunction is being used to connect the sentences. If only one sentence follows the colon, do not capitalize the first word of the new sentence. If two or more sentences follow the colon, capitalize the first word of each sentence following.”

At first I thought you were wrong about the use of the said punctuation but after I did a quick research, I learned a new thing so I do have to thank you beforehand. Now, pay attention to the bolded sentences above before taking a look at your sentence below:

But as his eyesight steadied and fixed upon the analogue clock before him, realisation struck in surprised disbelief: It was 6:58.

Since there is only one sentence that follows your colon, the phrase should be corrected to:

But as his eyesight steadied and fixed upon the analogue clock before him, realisation struck in surprised disbelief: it was 6:58.

Same goes to these ones below:

At that time he was twelve, and comprehension had not quite been his characterising hallmark: He merely nodded, tried to understand, failed, and never brought it up again.

The phrases following the colon are basically merged in one sentence, therefore, its first word isn't supposed to be capitalized.

At that time he was twelve, and comprehension had not quite been his characterising hallmark: he merely nodded, tried to understand, failed, and never brought it up again.

With the heated burn of his muscles contrasting with the outside cool, he didn't quite know how to feel: Numb on the inside and out, he forced himself to endure the bitter wind, the recurring images, and the terrible webs of fraught anxiety spinning, in their solemn rhythm of left and right, in his heart.

Same goes here. Although there are a lot of phrases following the colon, they are separated by commas, not periods, hence this correction:

With the heated burn of his muscles contrasting with the outside cool, he didn't quite know how to feel: numb on the inside and out, he forced himself to endure the bitter wind, the recurring images, and the terrible webs of fraught anxiety spinning, in their solemn rhythm of left and right, in his heart.

Also, I do think there should be a correction of punctuation to these sentences:

The last treatment he gave his father. Who was – and he hoped not – dead.

If I were you, I would have probably discarded the period after the word father because I don’t think its existence is really necessary.

The last treatment he gave his father who was – and he hoped not – dead.

Other than these minor technical problems, your grammar is not something you should be worried about. You have taken a great deal of effort when it comes to proofreading your typographical errors, too – there were barely any mistyped words on the entire passage. Keep up the good work!

Flow

I think I have clearly stated my opinions in regard to your transitions in the Plot section, haven't I? Do keep up the good work. Anything else I'd like to say about your flow is that you, too, have taken a proper grasp on your pace. It didn't run too slow nor did it run too fast. The limited yet corresponding events you included are very efficient to start with, and the flashback technique you had used just nailed it all. Good job!

Characterization

I’m going to start this by discussing about the portrayal of your characters' individualities. It is clear that you decided not to simply put their traits in an obvious manner (which many amateur authors are prompt to doing) as you did not write "Taemin is a reckless guy" to explain that he's reckless. Needless to say, you have done a great job in portraying your characters' individualities through the background stroies that were revealed, through the conversations, and through the plot development itself.

I know, from how you write the story, that Taemin is not that typical boy who loves his father to the point that he'd be all nice to him. It is clear that Taemin is the kind of normal teenager who, among many other things, gets moody and grumpy; the normal teenager who'd be all careless when his day gets ruined, and he is too, in some ways, a normal teenager who gets afraid of a killer. I mean, who doesn't? When some authors would write Taemin as a cool, high school student who acts normal when facing a killer, you avoided to write in such way and just gave out the realism onto Taemin's role.

Uncle Minseok, on the other side, appears to me as a character that has a great potential to be the most favorable one out of the others. Why is that?

Firstly, his accent. His peculiar accent just adds the amount of creepiness he has as a killer. By the time he called out Taemin's name with that uncommon accent of his, I got chills running down my spines - no kidding - as it, in some ways I don't even know, adds up the thrill onto the story.

And then there goes his motives. His insanity. His decision to kill Taemin's father on the first place. His backgrounds. His reasons. Everything about him are lined properly. Almost at once I could relate to him. I do really favor his character the most.

Sadly, though, your point of view focuses on Taemin. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. I'm not saying that you should focus on two points of view either. Maybe, I'm not even sure, I'm saying that it'd be better to see it from the killer's point of view - it adds the thrill, the tension, the madness... But of course it'll alter everything, so don't mind me. I just seem to be interested in humans' insanities, how their brains work, how they turn themselves into monsters without any knowledge of humanity and all. I think that's why I'd most likely like it better if you have written this story out of the killer's point of view. But do know that despite so, I still like Minseok's character better than Taemin and his father, which you should be worried over because the main character here is not Minseok, but Taem.

Why, when you basically tells a story of Taemin, couldn't I find him favorable? I think this will turn into a biased opinion (because like I told you I have interests towards the insanity of humans), but to put it simply, I think it's because Taemin has no peculiar traits or individualities that I should be interested about. Minseok has it - his madness, it's all there. But Taemin - how do I say this? - Taemin is just a normal teenager with a normal life. He's the weakling. The center of the story, yes, but the weakling. His background stories couldn't grip your readers' empathy because they're normal. His fear, too, although real, is normal. To focus the story on Taemin is not at all a wrong thing to do, but to focus this on Minseok's madness would have added the complicatedness, the tension and everything. (Note that this is seriously turning into a biased suggestion, though, so please feel free to ignore me lol, I'm just stating my personal opinion this time around).

Comments/Enjoyment

Despite the fact that the genre is not really my cup of coffee, I do have to say that I enjoyed The Killer's Eye entirely. From the very beginning - from your description - you got me hooked all the way until the final line. The Killer's Eye is, indeed, a very pleasurable read that deserves to pass the round (speaking of which, did you pass?)

 Anyway, I'd like to apologize for taking too long to finish this review. I know it's not an excuse to say that I'm pretty much tight up with school works for the past few weeks, but really, that's the only truth I can come up with. I sincerely hope the contents of this review can make up for its lateness, and that the opinions did not offend you in any way. I'd also like to apologize for the lack of suggestions and criticism given as there are barely anything for you to improve. You're a great writer I should look up to, really. Looking forward to read more from you!