This was it.. I looked up at the door with the light of worry in my eyes. Once I walked out of that door, my day would officially begin, and there would be no turning back.. I didn’t know if I was ready for that, but I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t back out from the manager’s request for fear that doing so would raise too many suspicions..

All there was left to do was sigh and bring back my smile as I walked out to join the rest of the band members. From there, the day went deceptively smooth. I was greated by Shisus’s huge smile at the table, we all lounged around for a while before the Manager-hyung came to pick us up. If it had been up to me, we could have just stayed there, canceled the performance, and I would then stop worrying so much.. It would have been so nice. I could have just stayed in our room, hugging against that warm chest, falling asleep in a tender kiss. But I knew that wasn’t even a possibility...

Rehearsals went smoothly, changing and make up went smoothly... Why was everything so laid back?! Especially when I knew that nothing would be the same after this night. The ‘calm before the storm’ maybe? Nae, that was a perfect way to describe what was coming. It was like there was something in the universe that wanted this to happen..  And before I knew it, I was leaning against a wall, waiting to go out on stage.

“Hyuung!” The only thing I could do was gasp and spin around at the arms around me. The strong arms. Dammit. I turned, facing the suddenly puzzled face of Siwon, his chapstick in hand. Once again I had to play it off, just as I did this morning. 

“What did I say about giving my heart attacks? Pabo” I pushed his chest with a smile, and I got to see his in return. This was.. just about as close as we could afford to be in public. Unless we were alone or just with Hyukjae and Donghae-ah, we could never even hug like we wanted to, not even for skinship.. And to think, that would all end today.. But I couldn’t think about that now, not with Siwon here, not as we were about to perform. So, with a smile, I took his chapstick and placed it in his left pocket. “Now you have no excuse if you mess up, nae?” I winked, which prompted his soft laughter. I’d never wanted to kiss him more than right then. Like.. a promise, some kind of guarantee that everything would be alright. But I knew I couldn’t have that kind of a guarantee, and the bell sounding set it in stone. 

“Everybody line up and take your places! Concert in five!” One tender look. That’s all we got before we were all ushered to our places, our mics checked and all of that. From here on out, I was an actor on my stage. I knew that I couldn’t afford to even hint at being nervous; somebody’s camera always caught it... So I did all that I could do.. Perform. Song after song I gave me smile, my lip (in only the most y way, if I may say so) and forgot about everything... Almost forgot. But everything had to come to an end, nae? And before I knew it, ‘Super Junior’s Special Performance’ was over, but mine was just beginning.

The members began to walk off stage, and then I saw him, my stomach churning, heart skipping as I walked up to him with a fake, mask of a smile. I’d sworn I’d never do this.. But I didn’t have a choice. He stopped walking, looking back at me with a puzzled look. 

“Naee~...”