Chapter 10: Naming Labels

We put labels on sugar and salt because most times we couldn’t tell them apart. We hate it when our perfectly hot coffee suddenly tastes salty or our meal is too sweet. We always try to avoid disasters so we always name things, another wording would be ‘warning’, actually, because we are always afraid of not knowing.

But what if there’s no label? What if there’s a million other bottles with contents similar to salt and sugar? Will we still try, or not? Afraid that it will taste bitter, poison us, make us hurt… but what if they were all just bottles of sugar? Who would be brave enough for a taste when there’s no way to test it first?

-----/-----

Having a person know you like the back of their hand is a rare case that can leave you vulnerable unless that person only uses it to take care of you. It should be touching, but most times, it is annoying.

Tae Goon was failing miserably at holding back his questions. He was waiting with a drink in hand at the door but as soon as Jong kook exits with Ji hyo in tow, he grabs the woman, pushes her back into the room and locks the door.

“I won’t ask for details yet. But are you going to be fine Ji hyo noona?”

She smiled weakly, grabbing the cup of coffee from her friend. “Thank heavens you have coffee or I’d be killing you now instead.” Ji hyo took a careful sip, grateful that she doesn’t have to talk yet. Maybe she didn’t have to tell Tae Goon right now but she’s tired and so very tempted to speak out. Maybe she should just spill lest she bursts or does another mistake. Maybe, she should let others come in… just like how she let that man in, even if it’s just a little tiny inch.

“Noona… I’m sorry.”

She nodded, never looking the younger one in the eye. She couldn’t break down yet. She’s Ji hyo. She’s going to see this to the end or she deserves nothing and should just go home to the family who doesn’t want her.

“Good luck out there noona… just tell me, anything, to make it better, neh? I know how much you want this. So if I could make it easier, speak up.”

At last, she turns to the kid and smiles. It may be just a sad curling of lips but at least it’s real. At least, she’s found someone she can smile at without any meaning, or without any reason.

Maybe it’s not a bad thing to have someone who knows you well. You don’t even have to say anything or give a label to what you and that person are to each other. You just got each other’s back and that’s it.

-----/-----

I laid my sight on you

You passed me by and I was free to watch

Unnoticed, till now, invisible to all

You’re not even walking towards me, just passing by

But you entered into my life unknowingly

And never found the exit

And you and I would never ever know

Leaders of denial we both are

The rain went on and on. It was cold and wet but was perfect to hide her tears. Is she really walking to him now or will she deny what happened?

And yet this was all a show. An illusion and yet to her, even to him, this was a world of their own. Strange. This was only a filming and yet while each scene was taken, when everyone left them alone to pretend, another reality passes between the two giving them the time to think. But all it resulted to was more confusion.

The actress was determined, ignoring the man singing in the sidelines as she walked in the rain. She’s too good at this. At pretending, she cannot see. It was an act, but that was how she really feels. How Ji hyo wished she could just walk in the rain and not notice. It’s just so hard to decide when your brain is arguing and your heart stays firm at what it’s feeling. That it may be just a scene but the emotions swirling in her weren’t the character’s she’s playing but her own.

He thought it would be easier when he finally admits that something is there. Never did he thought that it will be harder… he has to show that he’s yearning and he is and that’s what makes it harder. He has to bare his real emotions and disguise it as his character’s.

Jong kook couldn’t help that the façade he’s built so strongly was having cracks and anyone who knew better will say it’s not acting. He hated showing just how much it actually affected him but there was a small part of him that was hoping she’d also see the real him -- not the Jong kook clad in leathers on that dark stage --  and that she would still stay.

She’s already heard him so why was showing her Jong kook scares him so much?

He thought saying you like someone makes the road easier. No one told him that the aftermath of confessions were the hardest.

Attraction he could handle, but things beyond that? It scares him. Just letting himself think and try to look past the cliff is something he never thought he’d do. He couldn’t even dare say the word future because that’s getting so ahead of himself.

Jong kook faced the woman walking in the rain. She was staring ahead never seeing him but her eyes told a different story. He may not see his reflection on those orbs but the emotions there were definitely because of him.

If only he could reach out, but that wasn’t on the script so he couldn’t. Just don’t ask him if he would in real life.

And all night our mouths say no

And alone in the bed sleep won’t come

I see your face in my ceiling

I’m just too afraid to ask myself why

I look at the sky and wonder if you’re looking at it too

I see a mirror but turn away

Afraid of what I’d see, of what it will say

Leader of denial that I am

“Thank you for your hard work!” Ji hyo bowed low with Tae Goon flanking her right. Finally, the shooting of the MVs were done and all the future meetings with the man would all be by her choice. No more surprises, no more awkwardness at forced interactions.

Confessing actually just made everything harder (though the director likes the results very well but inside us is a battle place none could avoid even if you’re in the middle of shooting).

Everyone goes home tired but fulfilled. The videos were already amazing and there’s no editing yet. Ji hyo and Jong kook shared a small smile knowing they did well and that was nice. Two people who did okay. Not awkward yet no one is brave enough to catch the bait and talk privately.

It had been a trying week. Work wise she couldn’t find fault on the singer and she knew he wouldn’t be complaining on hers too. But after that emotional reunion on the dressing room they haven’t had the chance to talk things or be left alone -- that was actually partly due to Tae Goon’s amazing talent on diversion.

In the end, Ji hyo let Tae Goon drag her home. Jong kook followed her with his eyes and he suddenly regrets not taking the chance to talk to her earlier. Even if he stuttered and struggled, it was definitely better than not seeing her anymore.

He doesn’t even know why he’s such at a loss when this was because of his cowardice. He was kind of hoping that only the filming was making him feel strange but no one is good enough a liar to oneself.

Ji hyo was the only one who heard through him but when she started to see through his façade, Jong kook freaked out. Turns out that he’s not yet over that issue. Having a week around her didn’t help either but made him realize that he was getting tired and would like to do something. And what scares him is that he wanted to try with her. Collapse all the walls and really do something. He didn’t want her just staying, or him just watching… it was a first that Jong kook wanted more. And what was really more in terms of labels and how?

-----/-----

Some people grew up with sheltered surroundings, having the concept that the world is beautiful without seeing the scars and its people. Some are good at lying that it really is a good place and still sleep okay. Some pretends so much that they forget what reality is. Some are plainly okay with anything because they believe nothing’s going to change if they think differently. Some just shrug it off then turn their back without second thoughts to the voices whispering in the night when all is finally quiet.

Ji hyo and Jong kook were not as lucky to ignore what most people shrug off easily.

In his and her own room, the two were staring up the blankness, neither really seeing anything. Not when their minds were so busy running and debating with everything.

What if they were only feeling like they should feel anything? What if they feel like they owe the past something. Is there even a past they have to silence?

No one thought that giving into the feelings department then walk away with convincing statements would make it better.

Years have been spent in the same pose thinking where the other is, what that person is doing… and some nights they ask if it was even real. Because frankly, look at them and tell them that it didn’t sound like some weird fantasy… or hopeful dream that someone was out there for them. And no, they weren’t pining because… just because that is absurd -- right?

They weren’t pining. They absolutely weren’t waiting to cross each other’s path once more. No time was lost thinking of each other. Not once did they turn when they heard the other’s name being called, they would even deny th