Baekho’s POV

I did this to myself. I have no one else to blame for what has happened. Well I mean I do have someone to blame, those ing chicks from the club. But everything that has led up to that day, I have no one to blame for but myself. I can’t even blame Ren anymore. His reactions were only caused by my behavior. I’ve been so blind for so long never realizing that he really was innocent in this whole thing. I just simply wanted to believe that my behavior was all Ren’s fault, but it was simply the opposite.

It’s all my fault that Ren no longer trusts me. It’s understandable, I don’t even trust myself anymore. I second guess everything I do, everything I’m about to say. I don’t want someone to take it the wrong way, think poorly of me and then hate me. That’s the last thing I want, is for anyone to hate me. But that seems to be the only thing Ren can do anymore, is hate me.

I had all intentions of going to find him, confront him on what Aron and I just learned. I even took the medical file with the intent to show it to him, to prove that I wasn’t lying. But when I walked into the dorm and saw him staring blankly at the TV, I lost my nerve. What did it matter anyway? Ren didn’t believe me, and probably would never believe me again.

But I love him so much, I don’t want to let him go. I want to be selfish like JR and keep him with me forever. But I know I can’t. I hurt him…hurt him so much. I can’t possibly stand before him and beg for him to come back again. I can’t even promise nothing bad will happen. I said that the first time and shortly after we had another fight. I said that again when we made up and we had another fight, and again and again and again. After every fight that’s what I say and I always up.

I’m such a up.

“Baekho?” Looking up, I stared at JR as the other stood in the doorway of my room. I looked away then, not really wanting to talk to him. I don’t have anything against him because Aron hates him enough for both of us. My eyes go back down to the picture in my hand, of the five of us dressed in our ‘Face’ stage costumes. It was right our first successful music show. We were so happy to just have debuted and received so much love to a fan base we didn’t even know we had.

It was a time when none of us were worried about love or even the future. We were living in the moment, just as friends. It seems like eons ago, back when life was simple. It’s so hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a year and half now.

“Baekho what’s going?” JR walked over to me then, sitting across on Aron’s bed. “Aron came in to talk to Minhyun, is everything okay? They’re not…fired are they?” he asked. I looked up at him and snorted. I know he was asking about Minhyun and Ren’s careers and thankfully they aren’t terminated.

“No. We went to talk to the CEO.” I answered with a heavy sigh. “Turns out…that Aron and I are more stupid than we thought.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“Yeah right.” I muttered, glaring up at him. “Only an idiot would make the stupid decisions I’ve made. Only an idiot would hurt the one person in his life that he cares about, even more than his own parents. Only an idiot would allow himself to taken to a club and drugged.”  The last part was really directed at Aron, the idiot.

“Drugged? So that’s what happened?” JR asked. It amazed me sometimes how little of an explanation the other needed to put the pieces of the puzzle together. He was an amazing leader and person, despite his flaws.

“Yup. That’s what Aron went to tell Minhyun.”

“Oh.” He grew silent for a moment and I waited. I knew what he was going to ask next. “Have you told Ren?”

“No.” Setting the picture back in the night stand drawer, I closed it softly before turning my attention back to him. “What’s the point? I’ve hurt him so many times that…you know I think he would be stupid to forgive me and take me back.”

“He’s not stupid, he loves you Baekho and you love him.”

“And?”

“And, if you love each other, no matter what you do, you can always work things out.” JR preached and I had to laugh.

“Yeah? Tell me, how’s that worked out for you and Minhyun?”

“That’s low.” He hissed and I winced. Yeah, that was low, but it got my point across. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean things are going to work out. “Minhyun isn’t in love with me.  But Ren is in love with you. It’s true love Baekho, I’ve seen it firsthand.” He said.

“I don’t think so.” I said and turned from him. I wanted this conversation to be dropped, to just end. The more I talk about Ren and love, the more I want to tell him what happened, to get him to forgive me, but I know, somehow, someway, I’ll hurt him again and I don’t want to do that. I want to protect him from me and my stupidity. I owe him that much.

“Why not?” JR asked and I growled.

“Because JR, he’s made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want me anymore. And to be honest, I think it’s for the best. If we’re not together anymore, I can’t hurt him. I can spare him from any more stupid mistakes I make.” He grunted and fell silent. If it weren’t for the piercing stare I felt, I would have sworn he left. But he was there, thinking on what to say next. Something big and dramatic obviously.

“You are hurting him Baekho, you just don’t know it. This is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made, to decide not to work things out.”

“Shut up and go away.”

“Fine.” I heard the bed creak as he got up and headed for the door. “But think about this Baekho. Have you ever stopped to think that Ren wants you to apologize, to actually fight to get him back? Ren’s the worst person in the world to express how he’s really feeling inside. After all those fights and make ups you should know this by now.” He said. “Deciding not to go after him, to force him to tell you how he really feels on the inside, that’s the biggest mistake that you’ll ever make.”

The door shut with a soft thud as he left. His words were ringing loudly in my head. I know Ren is not the best person to explain what he wants. His emotions range from angry to pissed on a normal day around normal people and occasionally he throws in a bit of happy. But unless you knew him well, like I thought I did, you would know how to read him, to really tell if he’s angry, or hurt. Happy or depressed. He’s the master at hiding his emotions and now that I think about it, I’m lacking in the ‘reading Ren’s emotions’ department too.

Maybe JR’s right. Maybe I need to talk to him, to tell him. The worst thing that could happen if I did, is that JR was wrong and Ren really does hate me. But if I don’t take this chance, JR might be right and I might hurt Ren in such a way that our status as friends and co-workers could be changed forever. Nu’est may no longer exist. I need to talk to him!

~*~

Ren’s POV

~*~ Two Months Later ~*~

Now sure how much longer I can keep this up. It’s hard to keep going, living in the same dorm, going to the same practice room. My heart hurts every time I glance in Baekho’s direction. I thought for sure that Baekho would come to me, would try and apologize. That’s what I was hoping, wishing for. I know Aron did it with Minhyun. They were so cozy again and JR was even on good standards with Minhyun. Everyone was making up but me and Baekho. I wonder now, just how important I am to him. It’s been two months and he hasn’t even made attempts. Or, he’s tried, but changed his mind. There have been a few times when he’s tried to approach me. But for some reason, he would take one look at me, turn and walk away.

And I just bite my lip and hold my tongue. I want him to come to me. Because he’s the one at fault, not me this time. He should be the one to apologize. But two months?! Really? I’m starting to think that I should just it up and approach him myself, I can’t continue on like this. I need my White Tiger. What he did is unforgiveable, but there is a force greater than my own hatred that is pulling at me, making me still love Baekho, still need and want him. I just can’t stop myself.

“Ren? Ren? Ren!”

My head snapped up and I stared at our manager. He had such a worried expression etched on his face. “Ah, yes sir?” I asked.

“I said, we’re going to start promotions in China. We’re forming a sub group called Nu’est M.” he explained. “We’re taking the five member group and adding one Chinese member.”

“Oh, sounds like fun.” I said, nodding my head slowly. I glanced to the others then. They seemed just as excited as I felt at the moment. The thought of adding a member to our group was both exciting and frightening. What if things didn’t work out? What if our fans don’t accept it? There were many things to consider, but it seems our manager and probably our CEO were firmly decided in the decision and we had no say in what was going to happen.

“Good. We’re leaving tomorrow morning, so pack quickly.” What? Tomorrow? That’s short notice. They must already have someone in mind. It wouldn’t surprise me thought. Pledis always had new trainees on standby, though not as many as SM Entertainment. They are a trainee factory. Our manager left us alone in our dorm. It was a still silence. The kind where everyone is thinking the same thing and they all want to say the same thing, but no one can seem to form words. That was something we used to do a lot back in our pre-debut stage. It’s nothing but fond memories now.

“Okay then.” JR said and scratched his head. “I think our company is losing its mind.”

“It already lost its mind.” Aron commented as he slipped an arm around Minhyun, pulling the other against him. For a second I hated them, showing off how happy they were together. Rage was just boiling up inside me. Clenching my fists slightly, I took a slow breath.

‘One…two…three…four…’ Alright better. And just like I thought, as I looked to the others, no one seemed to notice my momentary behavior change. Sometimes I really wonder if they are truly my friends or not. How come they can’t read me? How come they can’t just look at me and tell something is wrong? Is it my fault they can’t do that too? Why is everything my fault?!

“Everything isn’t your fault.” JR said and a stilled. , did I say that out loud?

“What?”

“You asked why is everything your fault.” Minhyun said with worried eyes. “Everything isn’t your fault. Nothing is your fault really Ren.”

“Of course not.” I said and laughed nervously. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Right, and that’s why you looked like you could kill someone a moment ago right?” Aron asked. He was teasing, but it was pissing me off. Damn .  Why are they the ones talking to me about my emotions? Baekho, don’t you care? I glanced at him and he was just staring at me. He didn’t move, didn’t blink; I was almost afraid he wasn’t even breathing.

“Ren, are you alright?” Minhyun asked.

“I’m fine!” They winced and I admit, I may have shouted that a little too loudly. But I can’t take it back now. And to accompany the loud shout, I turned and stormed from the room. Obviously I’m not fine. Can’t they see? Surely they know what’s upsetting me, but no one seems to want to do anything, to try and help. Though, the only person who could make this right is too ing spineless. What did I ever see in him anyway?!

Slamming my door shut, I flopped on my bed, arms behind my head as I stared up at the ceiling. What drew me to Baekho anyway? There has to be something. My eyes closed as I tried to think, but the only thing I saw was Baekho’s smiling face. That smiling clown.

My chest tightened and my eyes snapped open. My clown, Baekho was supposed to always be my smiling clown. Why did things change? Why is love so ing complicated? I felt the tears falling and I couldn’t be bothered to make them stop. I don’t know how many times now that I’ve cried over him. It seems like hundreds of thousands of times and still the tears keep on coming. I’m so hopeless, still pinning over someone who hurt me so many times. But I love him and I don’t want him to go. Does that make me just as much of an idiot as he is?

“Baby.”

My body stiffened as I felt the hand on my cheek. I never heard anyone knock or call my name. I never even heard the door open. And yet here he was, sitting on my bed with me, wiping away my tears.

My Baekho. Oh god please tell me this isn’t another dream. That he’s real and he’s really right here with me.

“Please…”

~*~

Baekho’s POV

I don’t know what he was begging for, but I couldn’t stand to see him crying like this. It took very little prodding from the other’s to get me to check on Ren. The other was upset, anyone could tell. And I’ve been meaning to talk to him about what happened between us, what really went on that night after the club. I just…every time I saw him I lost my nerve. I’ve never been this scared to stand in front of someone and talk to them. Not even performing in front of thousands of L.O./\.E.S. could make me feel as nervous as Ren was making me feel.

But I it up and ‘bit the bullet’ as the American saying went. And I’m glad I did, because JR was right. Not talking to him, not being there for him was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve hurt him more than I’ve ever hurt him before and I feel so horrible about it. I have to make this right. There must be some way to make him forgive me and things to be better. I love Ren with all my heart, I’ve always had, since the day we met and he pulled out that dinosaur of a phone.

“I’m here.” I answered. My hand slid down, his neck gently, moving over his shoulder and down his arm. My eyes never left his face as he stared back, taking me in. His body moved suddenly and I smiled as he wound his arms around my torso. Sobs left him as he buried his face in my chest.  “Minki.” I whispered as I wrapped him up in my embrace, holding him tightly against me. It’s been so long since I’ve had him in my arms, it’s such an unfamiliar, yet familiar feeling. He feels so much smaller though, thinner and now I’m worried if he’s been taking care of himself during our separation.

“Please.” He begged. “Please don’t leave me.” He begged through his sobs. They were muddled words, but I managed to understand them for the most part. My heart broke at them. I hate seeing him like this, knowing that I’m the reason for his tears. Minki is my weakness and I would do anything and I will do anything to make him happy again.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I assured him, running my hand up and down his back gently. “Shh. Just let it out.” We stayed like that for what seemed like forever, wrapping up in each other’s arms while Ren cried in my chest. I didn’t think his tears would ever stop, but eventually, no more came out. He pulled back, and sniffled, though his nose was so clogged he couldn’t do much of anything and resorted to breathing through his mouth. His cheeks were stained with tears streaks and his face was flushed, eyes bright red and puffy. He looked a mess, but still so beautiful.

Reaching over, I grabbed the box of tissues on the night stand and handed it to him. He pulled out a tissue and turned from me slightly and blew his nose. A bit gross, I will admit, but after a few more blows and throwing the used Kleenex into the garbage, his nose was clear and he could breathe normally once more.

“Better?” I asked and he nodded, a small smile on his face.

“Ren”

“Baekho.”

We paused and stared at each other for a moment, waiting to see who would talk first. After a few seconds, I decided to speak again.

“I-“

“I-“

We stopped again and stared at each other before laughing. “You go first.” He said. Nodding, I took a deep breath and calmed my sudden racing heart. Butterflies were having fits in my stomach, and I wanted to run away again, but I knew I couldn’t. I just had to tell him.

“Ren I’m so sorry.” I said, reaching up to his cheek gently. “I never meant to hurt you, or to make you wait so long for this.”

“I thought I was going to wait forever.” He whispered, closing his eyes as he leaned into my touch. “I didn’t think I could handle doing this much longer.”

“And I’m sorry for making you wait. I wanted to tell you when I found out, but I was so scared that you wouldn’t listen to me. That you would hate me forever and even try and kill me.”  He laughed and shook his head, brown eyes opening once more and staring up at me.

“You know me so well.” He said and I chuckled. Yup, that was our Ren, such a violent little maknae.

“I wish I could say I did, but it seems JR knew you better.” I commented and sighed heavily. “Ren, about that night, I wasn’t drunk, I was drugged.”

“I know.”

I frowned, staring down at him. “You know?” How did he know?

“Minhyun told me after he and Aron got back together.” Ah, Aron. Yeah, he’s been a thorn in my side since we found out. He was constantly trying to set me up to be alone with Ren. And in all those attempts, I always just ran away. I don’t know why he wanted to ‘help’ me so much, but maybe now if we work something out, he’ll leave me alone and stick to bugging Minhyun.

“Oh.” I said and nodded. “So…yeah.” It was awkward, sitting there now. I didn’t know what else to say. Ren knew and now what?

“I’ve been waiting for you to come tell me, so we can work this out.” He confessed. “I was almost afraid you weren’t.” And I was almost sure I wasn’t either. If it weren’t for his little breakdown right now, I might have never come to tell him. “Baekho even if you were drunk and not drugged, I…I want you back.” My heart skipped a few beats at those words.  There was hope!

“I love you Baekho, so much. I love everything about you, from that same Mohawk you’ve had since we debuted to that silly grin that’s always on your face.” The silly grin made its way across my face once more. I like where this is going. “Does that make me an idiot? To still love someone that could have cheated on me?”

Oh…that was tough question.

“I…don’t know.” I said honestly. “Maybe, but when I think on it, it’s stupid of me to have ever thought that not talking to you about what happened and try to fix our relationship was the best thing to do. So I guess we’re both idiots.” I said.

“Yeah, that’s pretty stupid.” Yup, there’s that Ren I knew and love. The smart . But he’s my smartass.

“Baby I’m so sorry. Sorry I allowed myself to be taken to the club. Sorry I drank and allowed myself to be drugged. But most of all, I’m sorry for hurting you. Not just this time, but for all the past incidents.” I apologized. “None of them have ever been your fault. I just misconstrued everything you said and did and forced myself to believe it was your fault. But it’s not. It’s mine and I’m sorry.”

“Oh Baekho.”  He whispered, hugging me again. He rested his head on my shoulder, nuzzling my neck gently. “I forgive you, just don’t leave me, please. I can’t bear to lose you, not again.”

“You won’t, you won’t lose me.” I promised him, placing a gently kiss on his forehead. “I love you so much Choi Minki.” He pulled back and stared at me, smiling sweetly.

“I love you too Kang Dongho. But don’t think for a minute that if you up again I won’t break your nose.” He said and I laughed. Pulling him back, I kissed him softly on the lips. They were so sweet and soft. God I’ve missed them so much.

“I know baby. You’re so violent.” I purred against his lips, bringing for a giggle from him. “But you’re my violent boy.”

“And you’re my smiling clown. Now and forever.” I nodded.

“Now and forever.” I agreed.

“Naw, how sweet.” I jerked and turned, glaring at the three males standing in the door way, watching us.

“It’s about time.” JR said and grinned.

“Awesome, now I can have y time with Minnie again.” Aron cheered happily. Minhyun frowned and smacked his head lightly.

“ert.” He said, but smirked none the less before looking back at us. “You two are just so cute together. I’m glad you’re back together.” He said.

“We are too.” I said and hugged Ren once more, nuzzling his neck lightly. I couldn’t get enough of the other and I certainly wasn’t planning on leaving his side anytime soon. Ren would be lucky if he could go pee on his own.

“Can you guys leave now?” Ren asked and I chuckled before inhaling his sweet scent. A small, content sigh left me. I heard the other’s shuffling before the door closed and we were alone once more. “Alone at last.” He whispered.

“Yes, and I don’t want to move. Let’s just sit here for a little while longer.” I muttered.

“You read my mind.” Ren settled back down, leaning against me as he snuggled into my chest. Yes, this is how everyday should be. With Ren in my arms and not a care in the world. I was going to make that happen too, no matter what!

 I won’t up this time around!