- Sad Ji -

People still ask me why I keep holding on. And when they do I would always return them a smile and say, “That’s all I can do.”

It’s been such a hard year, Seunghyun. I miss you. Like crazy. Or probably I really am crazy. But you probably know that already.

That’s part of the reason why you fell in love with me right? I remember every line you spoke in your vow to me during our special night years ago.

You’re crazy, Kwon Jiyong. But I’m crazier for falling in love with you.

That’s what you said. And thank you. For being crazy with me.

Things here hasn't been the same since you were last here. The flowers on the window bed don’t bloom the way they used to. I tried to water and cherish them like you did but I think they know. They know that it’s not you that’s catering to them. They know. Just like every little piece of solid item in our apartment. They know, Seunghyun. They know that you’re not here anymore.

I know too.

I know.

But,

That doesn’t stop me from believing right? It doesn’t stop me from hoping and praying that one night you’d come home, all sweaty from your work. Smiling at me with the cat grin smile you have asking me if dinner was ready. It doesn’t stop me from fixing your side of the bed at night, I know you don’t like it all wrinkly. It doesn’t stop me from setting up two plates in the morning, setting aside food for you thinking that maybe you’re still in the shower getting ready for work.

There’s a million things I still do as if you’re here.

But I know. I know you’re not really here.

Yet it doesn’t stop me.

I saw your name flash across the tv this morning. The news crew was commemorating and honouring those who were involved in the freak car accident last year. There were twelve of you, Seung.

Is it wrong for me to focus solely on you? The other families affected, are they like me to? Do they imagine their love one at home with them? Sipping tea at a lovely Sunday afternoon as if nothing happened?

Maybe I am crazy, Seung.

I’m so crazy that I still feel your touch at night, those feather light touches you used to do especially after a warm shower. I still feel those kisses you leave me when I don’t have work and you do. I know you think that I don’t know about that but I do. I always do. I always wake up after you come out of the bed. It’s like I’m attached to you, Seung. My body knows when you’re not there.

Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time accepting.

My psychiatrist said that there are five stages of grief.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

And lastly, acceptance.

I could never get to that last part, Seung. I always circle and linger around on only those first four.  

Until today.

Because today I know.

I know that you’re never coming home. That you’re buried six feet below the ground. That you’re probably all bones now. There’s nothing left of you to warm me at night. There’s nothing left.

I…

I know.

You’re gone.

But you’re not.

I may not see you, Seung. But I feel you. I feel you near me, with me, in me. I feel you everywhere. Everywhere I go, you’re there. Beside me, holding my hand. I could feel it, that warmth those hands used to give me.

I feel you in everything. I feel you in the morning when I eat alone, I feel you at work when people chose to ignore me, I feel you at night on our cold bed.

Please don’t leave me, Seung.

This is the only thing that I can do. It’s to hold on to that feeling that you’re here. It’s the only thing stopping me from taking all my medication and drowning myself in them. It’s the only thing holding me to this earth. Because you know what? If I truly feel that you’re not here, I would have been lost.

But I won’t. I promise you that.

So please don’t leave me.

I need you.

I love you.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

People still ask me why I keep holding on. And when they do I would always return them a smile and say, “That’s all I can do.”

//I'm sad hence the sad update.//