These questions not only loomed in my head, but they had duplicated themselves. They make themselves more complicated. They were definitely on a mission to make me speechless. I am trying my best to fight off all this emotion and thoughts and I’m so exhausted. In one side, I’m so tired of all the I need to pull up, on the other hand, I just want to be a supportive girlfriend to him and try to be happy about what he has achieved. I don’t know what I should do because it’s so hard to pick a side. What should I really do?

It was a cold winter day when I decided to do what I need to do.  The park was glazed with snow, it’s so beautiful with the frozen sky. I sat at the bench. Starring at the pile of snow under my feet and I remember the nervous feeling I felt during autumn when I confessed to him. But this nervous feeling is not paired with excitement, it was paired with sadness. Tears roll down my cheeks without me realizing it. It must have hurt har? I sat patiently in at that bench waiting for him to meet me while I try my best to numb the pain and sadness inside me. I want the cold winter wind to chill my beating heart for that second when I say what is needed to be said.

I saw his silhouette in the distant. It was not hard for me to recognize him. He greeted me with his famous gummy smile and hugged me. This time, I did not return his hug with my arms wrapped around him. I didn’t even smiled at him because there’s nothing to smile about.

“What’s wrong? Are you ok? You’re sick? What’s wrong?”

I think it’s best to break the news to him before my emotion avalanche the little control I had. Unwilling to meet his eyes, I said

“Yong Guk, I think it’s best that we break up now.”

“What are you talking about? Do you know what you’re talking about? Are you ok? Is everything ok?”

He places his hand on my face to get a clearer view of my emotion and I slap his hands away. I don’t want him to see the stand that I’m putting up. I don’t want him to see that I’m breaking apart. I don’t want him to know that it takes all my soul to say those things. I don’t want him to see me cry.

“This will be the end of us. Here and now. I was lucky to find you. You’re too perfect for me and I’m afraid that I will kill you. I don’t want to stop you from achieving what you had long wished, but I couldn’t bear with those emotions haunting me. Thanks for the memories you have gave me. I had loved you and I will still do. Just in another way.”

With that being said, I walked away sobbing the life out of myself. I don’t know how cruel and selfish I had become. I don’t know how I am capable of saying such things to a man who loves me so much because of the little emotions that I couldn’t handle. I am a sinner for the things that I had done to him. I am too imperfect for him. He doesn’t deserve someone that is this selfish. He deserves someone better than me. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for the words that I spoke that day. An angel could never be with a demon. No matter how much they try.