The stylist buzzing around me by the time I got backstage is kind of annoying me.

I was pretty sure that my makeup had been in perfect condition in the short half an hour between the last time the brush touched my face till now. She still kept insisting on ‘touching up my makeup’, whatever that meant.

I heard introductions being made of the other guests on the show, when a backstage crew came up to me to inform me that I was next. Alright, show time. I massaged my cheeks, which earned a disapproving glare from the stylist. I gave her a smug grin.

“– and now, let us welcome Victoria!!”

I walked onto the set amidst the applause that rang out after the host introduced me. As I walked in, I noticed a large group of men on one side of the host, and an empty seat on the other side of the host where I assumed I would be sitting. I shook hands with the host and bowed to the other guests, when my eyes locked with him.

My eyes widened in surprise, and I bit down on my lips to stop my smile from widening. So he was also on this show? This was going to get interesting.

“Today we have 2PM and Victoria, who are both just done with touring. Victoria, have you ever been on a show with the 2PM members before?”

I scanned the six men sitting across from me, some of the other faces vaguely familiar from the different music shows we’ve attended in the past few years. “No, I haven’t, this is my first time.”

“Do you know the members?”

I gave Nichkhun a meaningful look and saw the corner of his lips tilt a little as he gave me a little wink. “I’m afraid I’m not too familiar with them individually. But I have seen them before at the different music shows, and I love their music.”

A chorus of disappointed teases came from the 2PM members.

“But we know you though!”

“We’re your fans.”

“We love your music.”

“Come on guys. I’m one person. There’s six of you. Give me time. I’ll remember your names after this show ends.” That seemed to appease them as they laughed and one of them even came up to me with his pinky. I laughed and made a pinky promise. This was going to be really interesting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turns out, all we needed was a group of rowdy boy band members to make a variety show less draining than it supposedly is. If their antics were genuine and not an act they put up for entertainment value, 2PM was a very refreshing bunch to be around. It had been a long while since I laughed so heartily while filming.

If we were to meet under different circumstances, I think we would have become fast friends. But the internet is a scary place, especially for us. God knows what implications being friends with them would bring to all of us.

Something pinched at my heart as I looked at the 2PM members goofing off on the set, casually teasing and insulting one another, and suddenly, I felt more alone than before. Would things be different if I actually debuted in a girl group rather than a solo act? Would it feel less… lonely?

“So, Victoria, can you describe each of the 2PM members using one word?”

I went down the row. “Handsome, charming, handsome, charming, handsome.” I heard collective groans from the first five members from my nonchalant answer. I got to Nichkhun. “Cheeky.”

That caught everyone’s attention. “Why is he special?” The host asked.

I inwardly smiled. “I caught him running away from s backstage after he pulled a prank on them. It leaves quite the impression.”

“IT WAS YOU.” Junho leant over Taecyeon and tried to wring Nichkhun by the neck but he just laughed and dodged his attack. They pulled a face at one another and I stared at them with a bewildered expression. They act like boys playing catch in a playground.

The filming breezed by rather quickly and I surprisingly found myself having a lot of fun and considerably less drained than I had originally expected to be. I thanked the host and the crew on my way back to my dressing room. I was just about to start changing into something more comfortable when a knock sounded on my door.

“Come in!” I called out, thinking that it would be my manager. From the reflection in the mirror, I saw Nichkhun standing outside my door and I whirled around in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“Came to get autographs from you.” He showed me a few copies of my album and I raised my eyebrows. “They weren’t kidding when they said they are your fans.”

I reached for a marker in my bag and popped the cap open. “What about you? Are you a fan too?” I signed the first copy.

“I like your music, but I wouldn’t call myself a fan yet.”

I laughed. “That’s okay, I didn’t even know your names before today. I guess we’re even?”

He smirked. “So, did you manage to memorize all of our names?”

I panicked a little. Of course I haven’t. I have never been good at names or faces or matching names to faces, so I tried to brush it off. “How about you find out the next time we meet?”

I think he knows, but God bless the man, he just gave me a cheeky grin and winked. “Looking forward to our next meeting.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that tours were over, my manager and I were in the midst of discussing about my next album. By discussion, I meant my manager doing all the talking on my behalf and me not being allowed to contribute much to the conversation because, what do I know right?

Please read that line with the biggest eyeroll in history.

I loved singing. I really do. But I also wished I had more freedom in my works. I have released my debut album and a couple of mini albums with concepts that were completely dictated for me. While I know that ballads were my strength, I wanted my songs to stop being… repetitive. I wanted to express myself more through my music – a full range of emotions that people could easily understand relate to. I want to tell the world my story.

“… In this album we are going to change up her image a little, adding in elements that deviates from her current concept.” I stared at the mood board of rebellious reds and blacks that the art director is projecting onto the wall. “We can consider collaborations with our other artists in the company, which can help with increasing her exposure to other fan-bases.”

“What about a collaboration with idols from other companies? Since we already have an existing partnership with YG, we can try establishing one with JYP this time.”

My heart sunk as an unexplainable wave of tiredness settled over me when I heard that. As much as I love singing, it becomes a chore when it’s hard to take pride in the work you are supposed to be proud of. This just didn’t sit well with me.

I feel… dirty. Like my talent was worth nothing more as a mean to an end.

“Victoria, what are your thoughts?” The art director looked in my direction, and I could feel my manager’s stare burn a hole on the side of my head. I could hear his voice in my head, “if you want your career to last, do not speak up against their ideas. Trust me, I know best.”

“Sounds good. Let’s do it.” I faked a smile, feeling my stomach plummet as I sealed my fate for another year full of dread.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yay! Another update!

Things have been a little crazy in the world right now, and I don't know how far my story actually reaches. If there are friends out there in the US who are going through an especially hard time right now reading this, I hope that this short chapter brings a little bit of smile to your face. 

If you guys don't mind, maybe you guys can message me/comment on ways that I can help? I'm not too updated on the happenings of what's going on there, and I will educate myself more about it, but I hope to contribute in anyway I can. 

Hang in there everybody! And please stay safe!

Qing~