“Oh, it's a lovely wedding, isn't it?” His mother rests a hand on his arm, smiling merrily. He nods, hitching Shang up higher on his hip.

“Yeah.” He takes a deep breath. “It is.” He's not sure why he feels so melancholy. This is his best friend's wedding, to a man he actually thinks is worthy of her – he should be happy. He should be grinning and laughing and celebrating with the rest of them.

Instead, he just feels a little...lost. He's been so used to it being the three of them, and then the four of them when Shang came along, that it never registered that she might just...leave. He likes Joonmyun; he's a good bloke, a nice guy. And he's good to the baby, which is what they're all the most concerned about.

But she's always been there. They've always been together, and now he feels a little irrelevant, unneeded. If she has Joonmyun, then she has no need for him, or for Yixing – suddenly there's a ready-made family there for the taking, and it would be quite easy to push them out.

Oh, he could fight it – cite the fact that Shang is his biological son and Yixing has adopted him as his own, but the rights of the mother are always what the courts care about. And she is a good mother.

But they're good fathers, too.

He swallows, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his head of such thoughts. “I'm, uh, I'm going to...” He trails off, unable to lie in front of his mother, because if he looks at her she'll get what he's feeling within one second and he refuses to ruin Kyungmi's day. “I'm going to go find Xing, mum.”

“Are you alright, darling?” She places a hand on his face, trying to get him to look at her, but he just forces a smile.

“I'm fine, mum.” He'll be fine eventually. “Come on, let's go find bàba, eh?” Shang gurgles happily at the idea, little hands flailing in the air.

His mother laughs indulgently at the sight, and this time, Jongdae's smile is a little less forced. “Are you sure? I could take him, me and your dad were just saying to Mimi about how we'd be happy to take him for tonight so you all get a few days off.”

And so she can spoil the baby rotten, Jongdae thinks wryly. Every time he takes Shang over there, he comes back with about five new toys and an even more entitled attitude. “Nah, mum, you're fine. I'll come over to you and dad in a bit, alright?”

If he was feeling more himself, he'd jump at the chance to offload the baby onto his mother, if only for an hour or so, and she knows it – but his mother is astute enough not to push things. “Okay, darling. Well, just tell Yixing what I said. Think it through, hm?”

“Of course.” He doesn't tell her that the thought of handing his child over – even to his own mother – is making his stomach churn. As he leans in to kiss his mother's cheek, his arms tighten around the little boy. “Love you, mum.”

“Love you too, baby.” Because he'll always be his mother's baby, even though he's semi grown up – he's over thirty now, after all – and has a baby of his own. It's just what happens, he muses. He's pretty sure when Shang grows up, he's still going to think of him as a tiny child. “Nana can't wait to have you all to herself, tonight, Shang!” She coos, grabbing one of Shang's little hands. “You go ahead and be a naughty little boy so your daddies won't want to keep you tonight, eh?”

Jongdae can't help but roll his eyes, because of course his mother would encourage her own grandchild to act like a demon child. It's not as if he even needs any encouragement, if his little display in the middle of the wedding service is anything to go by. It was just lucky the registrar was used to it, but really, did he have to start sobbing for his mother while she was in the middle of her vows?

Yixing just laughed and said it wasn't surprising that they'd managed to produce such a little attention-seeker, which would have been fine, if he hadn't winked and nudged Jongdae as he said it, because the inference is always that it's Jongdae's fault, not theirs.

“Okay, okay,” he pulls away, shifting Shang on his hip once more. “I'm going now, before you can teach my son to make my life harder than it already is.”

His mother just smirks in response, waving her fingers at Shang. He shakes his head. No wonder he's so incorrigible – what else was he supposed to be, with a mother like that?

***

He spies Yixing being cornered by one of Kyungmi's old Uni friends, scouting him out to see if he's unattached and available – if only for some drunken by the end of the night. He really shouldn't be surprised by the fact that it's a straight woman, but he can't help it – it's always weird when women are attracted to either of them. They don't know how to deal with it.

Whereas Kyungmi – who's not even really into women – flirts right back if a member of the same makes it clear they're into her. Differing attitudes, he guesses.

Sighing, he edges through the little crowd, Shang cheerfully grinning at all of these strange people as they coo at him, and tugs on the sleeve of Yixing's well-tailored suit. He'll say this for Kyungmi – she does have very good taste, so maybe it wasn't such a big deal that she refused to let them choose their own clothing.

Still, did she have to go bat crazy when he tried to wear Converse with his tux? It didn't look that bad.

“Hello, stranger,” Yixing grins at him, happy to be saved from the embarrassing prospect of telling this strangely aggressive woman he's gay and attached. “Come to make me take up parenting duties?” He holds his arms out for Shang, and blinks when Jongdae doesn't immediately hand him over. “Is something wrong?” He asks, not needing an answer when it's obvious. “Excuse me, um –” he says, blinking when he realises he's forgotten the woman's name. “Excuse me,” he repeats, flushing, his hand in the small of Jongdae's back as they shuffle quickly towards an empty corner.

Only when he can be sure that no one's listening, does he start talking. He hugs Shang closely, ignoring the tiny squawk of protest. “I don't know what it is,” it's frustrating, so frustrating to feel like this – he doesn't even know what he's really worried about. He knows Kyungmi would never take Shang away from them. “I'm just scared everything is changing.”

“Well,” Yixing perches on a railing, gesturing for Jongdae to join him. He does so, unable to protest when Yixing pulls Shang into his lap. The little boy gives a happy little exclamation of 'Bàba!' and busies himself burrowing as far as he can into his father's expensive white shirt, because of course he does. “Things are changing. Mimi's gone and got married.”

He runs a hand through his hair as he attempts to think of a response that isn't him whining but I don't like change!, because he's pretty sure that's a line from Family Guy. Heh. He is a family guy now. The irony. “I just – it feels like we don't have a place here anymore.”

Yixing sighs, peeling Shang away from his shirt. The toddler grizzles grumpily – he's getting tired and just wants to snuggle into bàba for a nap. All that crying earlier was exhausting, is it really so wrong that he wants to sleep now? “Babe, we had this discussion last night.” And every night before that, but he decides not to mention that.

“I know.”

They look at one another for a moment, both trying to find the words. It had been an...odd night. Jongdae would blame it on alcohol, if he could, but they hadn't had a drop. They'd been in their hotel room, Shang in between them – there was no point finding a cot, not for one night – and suddenly the conversation had turned to whether or not it was better for Shang to stay with his mother and stepfather. For him to have a chance of a normal family, instead of the funny little he'd been born into.

“He's ours, Jongdae,” Yixing says, voice firm. “He always has been, always will be. I don't know why you keep thinking about this, Kyungmi would never even dream of letting that happen. I wouldn't let it happen.”

“I know.” He repeats softly, as Yixing's hand closes over his limp fingers. “I just...”

“Worry too much,” Yixing interrupts. He squeezes his fingers, keeping a hold of the baby with his other hand. “Things are going to change, yeah – but it doesn't going to mean you're going to lose either Shang or your best friend.” He smiles gently. “I know you don't like the idea of Mimi not having enough time for you. You're a clingy bastard at the best of times.”

Jongdae raises an eyebrow. “Did you seriously just swear in front of our son? You're always on at me for that! How is that fair?”

His partner shrugs. “I'm allowed.” Jongdae snorts, but doesn't say anything more. “Seriously, Jong, things'll work out. They always do, remember?”

“Yeah,” he shifts himself on the railing, wishing they were sitting on something a little more comfortable – his is going numb, and that's never a situation he enjoys. “I'm sorry, I don't mean to be on such a downer –“

“Shh,” Yixing leans closer, letting go of their hands so that he can place his on Jongdae's thigh. “You're ridiculous, but weirdly, I love you for that.” He silences the sarcastic retort he just knows is waiting to come out of Jongdae's mouth by tugging him close enough to kiss.

At least he tries to, before Shang sleepily pushes Jongdae away with a small hand. “Bàba mine,” he tells Jongdae in a weirdly self-assured tone for a toddler. Yixing chokes back a laugh, ruffling Shang's mop of hair, combed into submission by Jongdae's father for the special day.

“Bàba is daddy's too, baby.” He's trying so hard not to snicker at Jongdae's disgruntled expression, but it's nearly impossible, especially when his partner's lower lip beings to wobble. It's a patented trick that's worked on Shang before, because he sees the lip wobble and thinks daddy is going to cry – which means he's in trouble.

But Shang just shakes his head, tiny fingers closing on Jongdae's shirt. “Dada mine.”

Both parents smile indulgently at one another; Jongdae rolls his eyes, but tenderly pulls Shang's fingers from his shirt to hold the little hand. “That's right, baby. Daddy's yours. You've ered me into tending to your every need for at least the next eighteen years.”

“See,” Yixing grins at him. “Even Shang won't let you go anywhere.”

Jongdae smiles back, a little cheered by his son's sudden – and rather surprising – show of affection. It doesn't assuage the fear, but it does make him think. Maybe his fears are a little crazy – perhaps he's just getting anxious over nothing. He's still going to keep Shang close for a little while, though. On the scale of Shang's favourite people, mummy – and the CBeebies presenters – are always going to rank higher. If given the choice, he's not entirely sure Shang would ever choose to stay with them.

At least not until he bribes him with a plethora of new things mummy refuses to buy for him.

I'm on a break, binge-watching The Thick of It. I still can't really write. I'm still really unhappy. But I'm trying.