Apologies
Undomesticated
Continuation of Responsibilities
Yixing is nervous. He shouldn't be - this is his bedroom after all, his daughter and his partner. But while that's true, he usually hasn't ed up quite so badly that he feels the need to hover outside the door of his own room, as opposed to actually going in like a normal person.
He didn't mean to do it. That's what everyone says, he knows, but he really, really didn't mean any of the horrible words that spilled out of his mouth. It was just - oh, he doesn't even have an excuse. He hadn't slept in two days, the baby was screaming instead of sleeping, and hell - he was jealous.
He was jealous because Jongdae got a break from the baby by going to work, and he knows it's illogical, and quite frankly, ridiculous - but he can't help it.
Sunhwa's whimpering is never-ending, and they thought Jongseok was bad - but at least he didn't screech like a tiny little banshee every time he was picked up. Nothing comforts her. And he's just left alone with this tiny baby who doesn't want to do anything but shriek.
He honestly feels like the worst father ever, because how can he be a good daddy if his daughter doesn't even want him to hold her? The parental guilt is never-ending, especially when he has to tell Jongseok, no, baba can't read him his story because the baby cries if she's left alone for more than five seconds.
Not to mention the fact that every time he thinks of the money Sunhwa is costing, his heart sinks. Hiring a surrogate is terrifyingly expensive as it is, add in all the things a baby needs, and well, it just gets all too much - and they had to buy new, because they weren't expecting a girl and didn't want to make her feel she has to be a tomboy. She's going to be ed up enough as it is, with them as parents.
They didn't think she'd be born around Christmastime. She came a little early, which just adds to the stress because every little thing ends in him thinking she's not developing right, or she's sick, or he's just ing up. As usual.
So they've had to borrow money, just so they can have the Christmas the kids expect. Foolish, maybe - but he knows they have to do it, or the boys will see Sunhwa as not just the centre of attention, but as the reason they don't get spoilt every once in a while. And then they'll resent her accordingly, which is so not what he wants, because they've been so great with her lately that it's taken a huge weight off his mind.
It's not like he's going back to work any time soon. Sunhwa is a little too delicate for him to even think about it. So yeah, maybe he's jealous. Maybe he's angry that he doesn't get to go to work because Jongdae got a promotion, and is now the higher earner. Maybe he thinks Jongdae should have pushed for more paternity leave.
But he shouldn't have said the things that he did, and he most certainly should not have accused Jongdae of being a flighty, irresponsible father. Because he's not. He's actually a great dad - whatever he says about himself - and he's trying his best. Yixing is just resentful of the allusion that his job is disposable - that he's perfectly fine being a stay-at-home dad, when the truth is...he can't cope.
It's not that he doesn't like being a dad. He loves the kids - god, he adores them in ways he never thought were possible - but he needs a life that is separate to them. A career where he can assert himself as Yixing, not baba.
And Jongdae understands that - swore as soon as the baby was stable, they'd figure out a way to get Yixing back to work because it's Yixing who has a career rather than a job. Jongdae doesn't like his job; he does it because it pays well. Yixing loves being a dance teacher.
So it's not Jongdae's fault. He knows that. They made the decision to add to their family together; now it's time to reap the repercussions. And Yixing needs to man up and apologise.
***
Jongdae is struggling. This is nothing new - he's usually struggling with something or other - but right now, he is struggling not to say it, and leave the baby to cry while he grabs some much-needed sleep on the sofa.
He can't, though. Because that would be a really ty thing to do, and Sunhwa's fractious enough already. Besides, he has to go downstairs and help sort out presents and stocking fillers and god knows what, all the while trying not to cry because his partner thinks he's useless ing father, so what's the point, really?
He takes a deep breath. He can do this. He can. He will push through the hurt and tiredness, and yes - he will get his little girl to go to sleep. "Please, baby," he begs, voice cracking because , he's going to fall asleep right now. "Go to sleep, it's bed time and - "
Sunhwa just starts up her little delayed breathing routine - something he remembers Shang pulling every time someone tried to leave him - and he panics. She's an early baby as it is, what if this means she's got asthma and the doctors didn't tell them - .
No, he tells himself. She's fine. She's just tired and refusing to sleep, because that's what babies do, and he should have remembered that. She's wriggling, a restless, tiny little thing in his arms because she's underweight, no matter how many times a day they feed her.
"Please?" He tries, although he knows it's not going to work - Sunhwa might be miniscule, but she's got more personality than most adults he knows, and she's a stubborn little horror at the best of times. "It's Christmas Eve," he tells her, bouncing her gently because sometimes - only sometimes, mind you - that calms her down. "Don't you want to sleep so Santa can come?"
She stares up at him blankly, little hands opening and closing. He sighs. At least it's better than screaming. There's a pause, in which he tries to think of anything he hasn't tried already, and fails.
It's at this point that Yixing finds the courage to walk in. He clears his throat softly, sitting down next to Jongdae on the bed as gently as he can. Jongdae doesn't even turn to look at him. "She's been like this all day," he says, exhaustion evident in his tone. "She perked up a bit every time the boys came to help me with her, but otherwise, she's been downright demonic."
Usually, this would ellict some form of amusement from Jongdae, but not today. He merely shrugs in response. "Ah."
Yixing doesn't know what to say. Jongdae's clearly not willing to give him any leeway, and really, he supposes he doesn't deserve any, considering the things he said. But damn it all to hell if that doesn't make it even more ing difficult to apologise.
"Jongdae," he swallows, his throat suddenly too dry to continue. He ignores it, instead choosing to place a hand on his partner's knee. Jongdae just looks at him, as if to say what the hell could you want from me? He tries his best not to flinch. "I'm sorry," he blurts out. "I didn't mean what I said, hell, I didn't even know what I was saying - "
Jongdae cradles the baby closer. His lips twist as he says,"You still said it, though." His voice is small, almost lost underneath Sunhwa's constant fussing.
Yixing hears it, heart clenching. It stings, because normally, Jongdae would have a hell of a lot more to say. He'd usually be defending himself right about now, but here, he doesn't, because Yixing tapped into one of his greatest fears, and him if that doesn't hurt more than anything.
"Because I was being a dickhead." He hangs his head in shame, daring to squeeze Jongdae's knee. Jongdae makes no move to push his hand away, which he takes as a good sign. "It's not true, any of it." He sighs, looking at the baby sadly. "If anything, you're a better dad than me, and you're not flighty or irresponsible or any of the nasty things I said. I was tired and jealous, and just generally not in the best of moods and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm so sorry."
As apologies go, it's one of his better attempts. He just hopes Jongdae appreciates that, because he already misses him in their bed and just generally looking at him without getting that accusing glare, which is pathetic, as it's only been a few days. It just shows how whipped he is, but he's never really disputed that point.
"No, you shouldn't have taken it out on me," Jongdae agrees, resting the baby against his shoulder - remembering to support her fragile little neck, of course. "But I know why you did, and I accept your apology." The and I don't quite forgive you for it is unspoken, but Yixing is grateful for the acceptance anyway.
His hand remains on Jongdae's knee. "You can probably put her down to sleep, now. That's as calm as she's going to get." He traces his fingers down Sunhwa's back, aiming to gently remind her he's here, but she snuffles in response, so he pulls away. No need to mess with a good thing. "We need to get to present-wrapping, anyway."
Jongdae nods, standing up so that he can place the baby in her bassinet. Yixing's hand drops from his knee. "Grab the baby monitor, then," he motions towards the glorified walkie-talkie, resting on their nightstand, as he lays the baby down as smoothly as he can.
There's a tense second as they wait for her reaction, but she seems to have decided that she's had enough of messing with them for one night, and remains quiet. Jongdae lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
As he walks towards the door, Yixing grabs his wrist, an earnest, pleading expression on his face. Jongdae stares back coolly. "I mean it, Jongdae," he says, refusing to drop his gaze. "You're amazing. I've always known that."
Jongdae only grunts in reply.
***
Present-wrapping is conducted in an awkward - but not uncomfortable - silence. The only sounds are the occasional cough, the snipping of scissors and the tang of tape ripped off with teeth.
Jongdae sighs. He's going to have to make the first move, because Yixing clearly isn't sure of where he stands with him right now. "I'm not angry with you," he holds down a flap of Disney character-covered wrapping paper with one hand, pulling a strip of tape off with the other. "I'm just hurt." He smooths the tape over the flap, not pleased with his handiwork but too tired to fix it. "You keep saying like that, and it's going to start sticking, Xing."
Yixing looks down at the stuffed tiger in his lap, ashamed of all the hurt his temper has caused. "I honestly didn't mean any of it." The sorry sticks in his throat, because he knows Jongdae is tired of hearing it. He's tired of having to say it.
"I know," Jongdae says curtly. "I just..." He trails off, glancing at the crackling baby monitor to have something to focus on, because he can't look at Yixing. Not right now. "It hurt." His voice cracks in pain, this time. "You know I hate going to work and leaving you with the kids. You know how ty I feel about abandoning the baby for my job." Yixing opens his mouth to interrupt, but Jongdae holds a finger up for silence. His mouth falls shut. "So why did you have to say it?"
Yixing closes his eyes for a second, having abandoned the pretence of present-wrapping. "Because I knew it would hurt." He whispers, fingers clutching at the tiger's fur. "And I was lashing out." His eyes flash open. "Not because I meant it." He leans forward, that earnest, slightly desperate look in his eyes again. "Baby, you have to believe me. I would never - "
"I do believe you." Jongdae rolls his shoulders, hoping to release some of the tension. "I just wish you hadn't said it." Because now the idea is swirling around in his mind, taking over, and he can't get rid of it.
Yixing bites his lip, thinking for a moment, before shoving the toy at Jongdae and getting up to go upstairs. "Wait here," he mutters gruffly, before bounding upstairs. Jongdae stares after him in confusion.
He comes back with a neatly-wrapped gift in hand, and shuffles his feet awkwardly before ing it at Jongdae nervously. "I know we do presents with the kids, but I want to give this to you now."
Jongdae arches an eyebrow, but accepts the proffered gift. There's a tag, so he reads that first, because Yixing has a tendency of leaving messages that directly relate to the present inside, and he knows he's supposed to.
It simply reads 'Because I know you need to be kid sometimes, too' in Yixing's sloppy English cursive. There's the customary love Xing, too, and somehow, the profusion of kisses next to it cheers him up a little. That was probably Yixing's intention.
He peels open the wrapping carefully, despite his mounting desire to know just what his gift is. Yixing watches him, anxiously playing with his fingers. And then, he has it.
He can't help but smile. It's one of the newer Doctor Who play sets, the one Yixing knew he secretly wanted, but would never buy - because he's a dad now, and dads let their children play with toys, instead of owning them themselves. When they were younger, he'd probably have given in and dealt with the ribbing from Kyungmi for being such an adorable geek.
It doesn't make up for the fight - not entirely - but it does mean something. Yixing gives him a hesitant smile. "I promise, you don't have to let the kids near it. It's all yours. I'll even play with you, if you want." His laugh is skittering, edgy, because he doesn't know how the gift is being received and he really, really wants it to show Jongdae that he cares.
"Thank you," Jongdae says, honestly. "I love it." he's not even exaggerating to make Yixing feel better - he actually does. It's just the kind of stupid gift he needs every once in a while to remind him that life isn't all deathly serious.
"I'll help you steal Shang's figurines," Yixing tells him, nudging his side. "But not right now, 'cause we've really got to get this wrapping done." He looks at the small mountain of unwrapped gifts, panic starting to creep up because the kids will wake at six - they always do on Christmas Day - and it's half-one already. Crap.
Jongdae lets his fingers interlock with Yixing's, his resolve to ignore him for that bit longer gone. "Thank you." He slides closer, half-wrapped present forgotten for the moment. "And, just so you know," he smiles properly at Yixing this time, trying to put him at ease. "I still love you, even if I am a bit pissed off with you."
It shouldn't be what he needs to hear, but it is, and Yixing can't deny the sense of relief. It's stupid. He knows Jongdae loves him - after more than a decade of being together, and another nine or so years of friendship before that, he can read Jongdae like an open book. But when he s up, he needs that reassurance.
He grips Jongdae's hand tightly. "Does that mean I can kiss you now, if I'm semi-forgiven?" He's missed their closeness, even if has only been two days. And it's not like they get many opportunities to be 'close' with three demanding children, anyway. Jongdae rolls his eyes at the cheeky request, but doesn't say no.
In fact, he's the one to lean in, and suddenly, Yixing is reminded all too sharply of just why he decided he could live with monogamy.
They're so engrossed in each other that they forget just how many gifts need to be wrapped, but when the clothes come off, neither one of them is thinking about wrapping things. Instead, they're trying to figure out if they can have without knocking the tree over, or flattening presents.
Jongdae figures it's a risk worth taking, but tucks his own gift behind the TV for safekeeping, anyway
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