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Granted By: kpopperforever

Title: The cold war

Author: EmiMiyako

Title

Intriguing, it’s pretty different from other stories seen on AFF. Pretty good job. You might want to capitalize the words, though. The Cold War, not The cold war. It also doesn’t reveal too much, I wasn’t sure whether it was literally a war, or just figurative speech. Which is a good thing. it keeps people curious.

Foreword/Description

There have been many debates on this, what the foreword and description should be used for in AFF. I don’t think you should take an excerpt from your story and insert it in the foreword, instead you should put an impactful quote from your passage. A short and simple statement would be more powerful than a long paragraph.

There were a few grammatical errors in the description and foreword, but I’ll talk more about it in the “Grammar” section.

Appearance

The font was great, it’s not too simple but still easy to read. The layout was simple, but okay.

Plot

I don’t normally read this genre of writing, so I’m not sure if this is common or not, but it was quite interesting. From the start, because of the description, I already knew the exact line out of the story and what it would be based on, what it would be about. It seemed a little predictable, too.

Grammar

I’m quite strict here, there were quite a number of grammatical errors. For example, in the Description and Foreword, there were missing punctuation marks here and there. What it should be is,

Choi Minho just wanted a normal life. He didn’t choose to fight for his country, he was forced to. He was forced to leave behind many things, but the one thing that made him not regret fighting in this messy war was a shy, innocent boy. He wanted to protect this young boy from the horrors of the North, horrors that would await them sooner or later.

The whole phrasing was a bit messy and hard to understand, I’m sorry if I didn’t capture what you were trying to say.

The first chapter, first paragraph. It’s from Choi Minho’s point of view, obviously. However, it sounds awkward when you say that “I” stared into the eyes that “I” had inherited from my mother. You can’t see your own eyes unless you’re looking in a mirror, I get what you’re trying to say [you have the same eyes as your mother] but the phrasing was off. It, instead should be:

Here I stand, staring into the tearful brown eyes of my mother, and I knew my eyes would look exactly the same.

^^Or something along those lines, you get it.

I think your biggest problem is punctuation, there are many missing commas.

Oh, and although this isn’t a grammatical error, you should watch out for the chapter titles. The second chapter had a spelling error in it, it should be “cannons” and not “canon”. All three bombs, bullets, and cannons should be in plural form, not singular.

Flow
It was pretty nice, most stories are too fast but I think yours is at the right pace, not too fast but not too slow. Keep it up!

Characterization

Good job here, but it’s not advisable to give away all the side characters [the other members in SHINee] in a few paragraphs, instead, they should grow and develop along the way, not having all the information being revealed in one or two paragraphs. It seems like characterizing the character was being forced, and you squeezed everything in a paragraph.

Comments/Enjoyment

It was okay, it didn’t bore me like other stories I’ve reviewed, so great job, especially since I don’t normally read stories like this for enjoyment. Pretty good story here, I wish you the best of luck!

Hoped this helped you! Please comment when you've seen this!