Water trickled down Kyungsoo’s thin neck, dripping lightly on the countertop. He gulped down the bottle with ease, but a sudden voice from behind made him jump, startled enough to let go of the bottled water. 

“Everybody already ate. Are you not going to eat?”

Kyungsoo shuddered at this question.

He hastily grabbed napkins and soaked them into the clear liquid, letting it absorb all it can before throwing it away and redoing the process until the counter was dry. 

Lay frowned and helped the younger but all was already done and taken care of.

“Sorry for startling you.” He apologized.

Kyungsoo shook his head to reassure him. “Sorry for getting scared easily.” They both chuckled and Lay made himself comfortable beside Kyungsoo, staring a little longer than usual. 

“So you’re not hungry?”

Kyungsoo stared off into space, guilt knowing at him when his stomach flipped over in hunger. “No.”

Lay raised a questioning eyebrow at his odd behavior. Kyungsoo never wanted to not eat.

In truth, Kyungsoo was starving. He had skipped dinner last night, having been kept up in the practice room to perfect his moves. Breakfast was also skipped, especially since he woke up later than the rest of the band.

But the embarrassment of working late made Kyungsoo feel insecure. He didn’t want anyone to laugh at him, especially since he had been practicing longer than usual, despite no improvements except for few. 

Besides, eating a lot will only add in more pounds, slowing me down.

Kyungsoo shocked himself at the sudden thought. It was the first time he had ever thought about his own weight. It was a strange feeling to be worrying about, but then realization dawned him.

He stared at Lay’s abdomen, noticing the defined lines forming under his tight shirt. His arms were muscular with no trace of fatness.

Not meaning to, Kyungsoo began to compare his weak body with Lay’s strong one.

His thoughts became a jumbled mess of growing insecurities, breathing panicking whenever he realized a big part was missing in him that the others had. 

Everyone else was fit and skinny.

He was different than the rest.

Maybe this was why Jongin kept harassing me.

Less weight.

This was what Kyungsoo lacked. It seemed as if the others fit well into this perfect category. Even with Xiumin’s constant worries over his baby fat, the others didn’t make it a big deal, since, to them, he was perfect.

Unlike Kyungsoo.

Fat still stuck to Kyungsoo’s chin and cheek, which made Kyungsoo a little more than concerned, whether the fat was baby or not, it didn‘t matter to him. And though his shoulders were narrow, his thighs were-

“… Kyungsoo, are you even listening?”

Kyungsoo was, again, startled at Lay’s sudden presence, or conversation in this case. He blinked in haste, concentrating his mind on a new focus.

“Uh,” he dumbly admitted. “Sorry, Hyung. Can you repeat that?”

Lay sighed. “I asked if you were okay. I noticed a few days ago you were limping a little. Is something wrong with your ankle?” 

Fear and burdens over washed him. He rapidly shook his head in objection, offering excuses that were clearly lies.

“Nothing’s wrong. I was just tired.”

Suspicions dawned upon Kyungsoo. “I’m not blind, Kyung. You can fool the rest but not me. When it comes to injuries, I’m the best at it. You’ve obviously done something to-”

“I tripped over stupid shoes. It’s healing fast. Now can we leave it at that?” He suggested with aggravation. He didn‘t mean to sound a bit harsh, but Lay would only continue to worry uselessly over him.

“No, Kyungsoo. If it’s not treated properly-”

“It’s not a big deal, Lay.” Kyungsoo interrupted before the latter could continue. He hadn’t expected to be in this conversation at all, but he guessed he wasn’t all that good in concealing the injury. 

“It is a big deal, not only to yourself but to the band also. You could fall behind and delay practices, which we desperately right now, considering how our debut is next year.”

Prickles stabbed his skin. Though he was arguing for his own side, the thought that Lay bothering him because he’s concerned for the lacky was Kyungsoo’s assumption.

He had a slimmer of hope that Lay was maybe worried about his wellbeing, even though he hadn’t want any interference with any of s.

Burden, was what Lay was trying to tell me.

Kyungsoo stared at the ground in embarrassment. He was lucky he hadn’t spoken out earlier.

“I won’t make us fall behind. I promise.”

Lay sighed in final defeat, knowing he would get no where with a stubborn Kyungsoo.

“Fine. Just don’t push yourself today.”

With that, Lay left, and Kyungsoo was oblivious to the fact that Lay, and even other members, did care for his wellbeing.

***

“Stop. Just stop, Kyungsoo.” The producer said in annoyance. It was later that same day when four members were being held in the vocal room, practicing ‘til earth’s end, as though it seemed.

“Where the hell is your vocal instructor?”

Kyungsoo bit his lip, not knowing the answer to this question.

After no reply, the producer sighed again. “Never mind about him-”

Kyungsoo felt the other three boys, Baekhyun, Luhan, and Chen, staring at him. He knew they were feeling sympathetic towards him. All four had been in the same situation more than enough times, sometimes resulting in the tears of certain members. But Kyungsoo was getting the same lecture more than often nowadays.

He had messed up so many times already.

“-Kyungsoo, I want you to relax. You look like a spooked deer.” 

Kyungsoo eyed no one out of shame. He stayed silent, letting the producer go on about his rant.

“You’re voice is becoming weak. What happened to the strong-willed boy who auditioned for SM? Hm?”

I simply became a burden.

The air became quiet and a tense atmosphere rose. The other three were fidgeting in their spots, knowing the lecture would become more disastrous if the younger had yet to talk.

“Just… go for now, and we’ll continue tomorrow.” Unexpectedly, the producer waved them off. He rubbed his head as if a growing headache was forming.

“Your voice is sickening, it’s causing me wrinkles.” 

Kyungsoo didn’t missed the last comment as he strolled out of the room, slightly stumbling in his footsteps.

Apparently Luhan didn’t either, considering how he quickly pushed Kyungsoo out of the vocal room.

“You tried your best today. Everyone has those days.” He reassured the younger as they were led to the practice room. 

Kyungsoo minded Luhan’s words. He wanted to truly accept and agree with Luhan, but the knowing feeling of getting kicked out of practice, because of him, made him feel horrible with fault. 

Couldn‘t he just be normal, like the others. Even Jongin was greater than him.

Sometimes, I wish to be him.

Kyungsoo dejectedly erased the thought, cheeks burning with unworthiness at such a thought.

The four members, gloomily, arrived with the others. They were vaguely confused as to why the main vocals were here already present. 

“You guys are here early?” Suho questioned.

Baekhyun and Chen shrugged.

“Yeah, we got let out by the producer.” They didn’t give much details, much to Kyungsoo’s appreciation. The two slightly pat his shoulders before proceeding into formation.

A hand was suddenly on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and Lay was there. “Take it easy, ok?” Kyungsoo assured him with a weak smile, Lay shooting one back.

Unknowing to all, Jongin and Kyungsoo silently contacted eyes, one that lasted longer than usual. The connection wasn’t filled with love of admiration, like in cliché movies and books, but was occupied with consistent loathing mixed with derision and silent laughter.

He smirked and Kyungsoo blushed, though he knew it was nothing more than a mocking gesture. 

Just as the music began to play, the door was swung opened with enthusiasm. Looking with determination, one of the manager came gliding in, smile plastering his face. In his hands, a box was settled neatly and warmly.

“Practice is over kids! Reward yourself with hot chicken wings.”

The older man placed the box in an opened area, much to everyone’s may, and it was soon swarmed by hungry boys.

Everyone was happy and content as they messily ate until there were no more appetites to satisfy. 

Almost everyone.

Xiumin looked at Kyungsoo and seeing as to how he wasn‘t engulfing the food like a hyena, the act was much more apparent with Tao and Chanyeol, offered him more food. 

Kyungsoo frowned with displeasure, pushing the stick away. “I’m not hungry,” he lied. The small tuna sandwich and bottled water from earlier was completely gone in his stomach, making him ache. But no one needed to know that.

“Come on Kyungie. You didn’t eat last night or this morning. You must be starving.” The eldest member was firmly showing his worry, but to his disappointment, Kyungsoo rejected the offer again, and instead stood up to leave for the bathroom.

Kyungsoo positioned himself in front of the mirror, slightly dirty from the lack of usage, and examined himself thoroughly.

Nowadays, he was constantly checking his appearance. It wasn’t that he wanted to admire himself, but there was a darker meaning to what he implied each time this action was done. 

“Fatness,” he glided his fingers down around his stomach, rubbing the skin together to create layers that weren’t there.

Fat.

Weak.

The words etched onto him, enforcing images that were only illusions to others, but reality to him. 

“Kyungsoo!” The door banged open, the back hitting the wall with a loud crack. Kyungsoo scrunched his face out of shock and he shuttered, letting go of his shirt.

In came Luhan, smile reaching both ends of cheeks. 

“Manager Hyung gave us good news!” He exclaimed and walked excitedly towards the younger, who had adverted his previous attention to the now jumping male.

“Guess what?!”

Kyungsoo shrugged and opened his mouth. “The-”

“We have break up until next week, and in the meantime, SM will be hosting a personal new years party. Isn’t it exciting, Soo?” Luhan chirped.

Honestly, Kyungsoo didn’t find the situation exciting. Breaks only meant less practice, and less practice meant lacking. The word was revolting to his ears, yet a definite example clearly defined him.

For the sake of Luhan, he forcefully grinned.

“I guess, Hyung.”

Luhan beamed at him before lacing their fingers, in a friendly manner of course, and jolted the latter out of the bathroom, dismissing Kyungsoo’s protest.

“Let’s go home,” Luhan said.

Kyungsoo frowned.

“Hyung, slow down.” 

Luhan didn’t listen, actually speeding up to catch up with the others that had already left, chicken also in their hands. 

“Luhan!”

Forcefully, he yanked his hand away. Luhan came into a screeching halt and scowled.

“Is something wrong, Soo?”

He took a step back, not wanting to go home just yet. “I’m staying.”

Luhan, with confusion, held an arm out. He waited for Kyungsoo to come back, but was left with disappointment when Kyungsoo walked away nonchalantly.

“Are you sure? You should actually take this break as an advantage and rest.”

“I think I’m fine, Hyung.”

“But your throat!”

“What about my throat?” Kyungsoo shouted back, their distance decreasing with each step.

“Your voice, let it rest for a few days.”

Kyungsoo sighed dejectedly. “Later Luhan.”

He left Luhan, who stood there watching Kyungsoo like a concerned parent, before leaving whenever Kyungsoo refused to follow him.

***

Shortly after his interaction with Luhan, Kyungsoo found himself standing in the training room, watching another figure who also decided to stay.

Before him, Jongin was on his knees by the stereo. He was browsing through familiar songs. The stereo played Shinee’s Lucifer and Jongin smiled before standing and centering himself in the middle, eyes trained on his own reflection with enthusiasm, that is until he saw there was another presence in the room. 

He haughtily paused the music and turned around, meeting the older.

Kyungsoo awkwardly stepped back, panicking as Jongin came nearer.

He the mirror behind him, wishing their was secretly a room that would magically open and let him disappear. 

Breath hitched, Kyungsoo stammered and tried to sneak away, but Jongin’s arm suddenly trapped him into the corner. 

“I didn’t know you were using this r-room.” He hated how his voice sounded weak and fragile. It was a sign of struggle and Jongin obviously liked the display of actions, considering how he was grinning like a mad man. 

“You know,” he bent his head until the tip of his nose was almost touching Kyungsoo’s ears. “You look cute like this.” 

Heat rose in his cheeks, a tingling sensation hitting his insides at Jongin’s odd behavior of affections.

His fingers were tangled in Kyungsoo’s soft hair, rubbing the dead cells in between his hands.

“Too bad.”

He wanted to get out.

“Too bad you’re so cute.”

His words were making Kyungsoo feel butterflies-

“Cute, but worthless.”

There it was.

The cruelness that had slowly gauged out of Jongin’s mouth. 

“Weak and burdensome.”

Kyungsoo promised himself that he wouldn’t get teary-eyed, but that was proven useless when he could feel his vision begin to blur.

Before anything else could be said to strike the tears of out Kyungsoo, the door was abruptly opened and in came Sehun, wide-eyed at the scenery.

Jongin turned his head and Kyungsoo took his chance, pushing the younger away with weak force before dodging pass him.

Sehun coughed and blushed. “I- uhm- should I come back?”

“N-no!”

“It’s fine, Sehun.”

Kyungsoo and Jongin both said.

Kyungsoo flushed.

Sehun looked at the two strangely, suspicions obvious in his expression.

“What were you guys doing?”

“Playing around, Sehun. Now get your skinny over here before I make you.”

Sehun scoffed with a smirk. “As if you can.”

They seemed to have ignored Kyungsoo as they bickered over who was stronger, which Kyungsoo was thankful for. He slipped out of the room with no thoughts of where to go.

He didn’t want to go back home, nor did he want to practice, at least not with his voice, and he couldn’t’ really dance due to the occupants in the room.

So with no intentions for a new destination, he casually walked out of the company building and went in the opposite direction.

The sun was barely hovering over the horizon and a slight breeze was already taking place. It was getting dark so most lampposts were already on, providing light for his path.

Making his way around Seoul, Kyungsoo wandered up and down streets and finally came to a long bridge. It was above the Han River and he made a nice spot for himself on the edge.

He knew very well that it was dangerous, but at this point, he doesn't care.

The only thing on his mind now were the words that had painfully came out of Jongin’s venom mouth.

Weak and burdensome.