Sitting in the back seat with an unfamiliar male quietly fiddling with his laptop, and being prodded by two who he was equally as estranged to as the one beside him, called for a kind of awkward that made Youngjae want to jump out of the car. Luhan was asking questions that were far too personal for him to openly talk about, considering they barely even knew each other. Sure, he may have had a rather dysfunctional ‘sleep over’ with the blond, but that didn’t mean Luhan was entitled to an answer Youngjae was more than reluctant to give him.

“What do you call a male fish?” The random question pulled Youngjae back to the interrogation that came to a sudden halt when Luhan tossed Tao the most twisted ‘What the ’ look his honey-colored brows could muster.

“What the hell does fishes have to do with the ing question I’m asking?”

 “The saying…”

“What saying?!” Luhan snapped impatiently.

“The saying that there’s plenty fishes in the sea. When guys get dump by girls, they usually say there’s plenty of fishes in the sea. So I’m just wondering what guy fishes are called if a guy lets go of another guy.”

If driving didn’t require both hands on the wheel, Luhan would’ve slapped Tao in the back of his idiotic head; Not that slamming his foot on the breaks to give him a good smack was necessary when Youngjae verbally did the job for him. “He didn’t let me go.” Youngjae said in a fury that surprised even Luhan himself. “I don’t care how much fishes there are in the vast sea, there’s no one else for me. I might be delusional, I might even be in denial and probably going insane, but I believe there’s just no one else. Does that answer your stupid question?” Coldly and almost threateningly, Youngjae caught Luhan’s gaze in the review mirror before the blond was force to revert his eyes back on the road. “I don’t want to leave him. I don’t care if I apparently have a lot of guys to choose from and those guys are capable of ‘treating me better,’ I just don’t want to leave him. I can’t. I won’t.”

“He treats you like .”

Youngjae flinched at the cold, hard truth of Luhan’s reproachful response. “I hear enough of this from Daehyun. He doesn’t do that all the time. He takes care of me and –”

“Not all the time? So you admit it, he treats you like ?”

“That’s not what I-”

“Shut up. You’re so full of crap. I mean, c’mon, is the whole ‘I was 2 seconds away from committing suicide’ ing up with your head? You sound like a chick who can’t realize you’re being left out to dry like a used dishrag.” When Luhan took the verbal abuse too far, it was only natural for the mediators to step in. Tao would’ve tried to change the subject and Lay would’ve aided him in derailing the conversation elsewhere. However, it was terrifying and nearly impossible to cut into the one-sided conversation when the sharp intonation of Luhan’s voice sliced right through them both like the serrated edge of a knife.

Just as quickly as the verbal assault began, Luhan pulled the car onto the side of the road and slammed his foot on the breaks. It was sudden, very unexpected, and no one saw it coming. Luhan stepped out of the car as everyone recovered from the whiplash that spun their world round and round. “Get your out here.” Youngjae was wrenched from his seat by hands grappling at the front of his shirt, his legs tangling in its failed attempt to follow the direction in which he was being pulled.

Unable to correct his footing, Youngjae fell to the dirt floor, the palms of his hands scrapping against the gravel his backside harshly collided onto. “What are you-”

 All of a sudden, Lay was yelling and Tao followed seconds later, joining in on the tirade of concern that rounded eyes in disbelief when the sole of Luhan’s boot slammed into Youngjae’s chest.  

“You want to be treated like ?” The question was met with gasps of air as Youngjae struggled to breathe. “Because I can show you what it physically leads to when you let that slide.”

“Luhan! He gets it alright!” Lay shouted. “Let him go.”

“Why?” What could possibly be considered a good enough reason to stop what Luhan thought was necessary? “You of all people should know what happens and how it feels when someone you care about screws you over.” Luhan took the form of a prolific serial killer who used words, threats, and unnecessary force to get under people’s skin to carve out the fleshy bulk of their vulnerabilities. He stabbed at the fragile inner-workings of a heart without a care in the world. They could barely be hanging on by a thread, barely able to withstand the slice and dice of each word that acted like a knife, and even then Luhan would show his victim’s no mercy.

He slid his foot against the crook of Youngjae’s throat and watched as his eyes watered. “You’re spineless.” Luhan pressed his foot down hard, restricting Youngjae of the oxygen he needed to breathe. “You’re a waste of space.” Further and further the grooves of his boot sank into skin, his heel twisting into his adam’s apple as if putting out the lit end of a cigarette. “You’re the worse kind of that’s out there.” He couldn't stand him any longer. Unable to look at him, Luhan took a step away with eyes that was still as dark and oppressive as his words. “You might as well cut off your right now and slit yourself a because you obviously don’t have the balls to admit you’re wrong.”

Youngjae fought to his hands and knees, clawed into dirt and desperately grasped onto the dry earth beneath him. Even as he coughed and hacked out haggard breaths of air, Luhan made sure he talked over every whimper and every soundless cry that hadn’t the power to affect him in the slightest. “You let yourself get pushed around – and for what? A boyfriend who’ll climb through your window only when his decides you’re worth the time? It’s so ing hilarious how pathetic you are. And it’s ty to think this is what love’s amounted to.”

Tears that gathered in Youngjae’s eyes felt like shards of glass scraping against his cornea. It was hard to stop them from spilling over and dragging down his cheek when he was being bullied to feel an emotion his quivering heart couldn't bare to cope with. He was angry, humiliated, and he felt torn, broken and ashamed. He wanted to tear something apart. His fingers shook and arms trembled for the chance to throw something across the desiccated planes his tears dampened. 

Watching Youngjae slowly get back on his feet and Luhan staring him down was nostalgic in Lay’s perspective. Daehyun had once been in the same position where Youngjae stood, tears falling, bottom lip quivering, and fist clenching at his side when the push-over that was Jung Daehyun couldn’t be tolerated any longer. But instead of groveling before the feet of an enranged blonde, it was Kris who had stood in Luhan's place. At the time, Kris thought it was best to push Daehyun over the edge so he grew the backbone that his soft-spoken personality depraved him of. Daehyun was, as Luhan would put it, as much of a ‘’ as Youngjae was, and now the stare down began. Youngjae’s knuckles grew white, his nails dug into his palms, and it was only a matter of time until Youngjae snapped and gave Luhan what he deserved just as Daehyun did to Kris all those years ago.  

Gravel sounded beneath Youngjae’s feet and Luhan could only stand there as the flurry of emotions drove every step the younger took. Luhan saw the anger embedded in the hallowed depths of his eyes, could practically feel the tremor that signified a kind of pain the blond was all too accustomed to. It was great. It was what he wanted. The glorious spark of resentment flitting across Youngjae's furrowed brows and the lustrous pool of darkness shadowing his eyes was what he provoked – what Luhan waited for.

Luhan feigned to be in a paroxysm of terror and contrition when distance no longer separated him from the fist that coiled tightly at Youngjae’s side. A macabre mess of emotions swam wildly in the eyes that embodied a black hole. It pulled, Youngjae’s unsettling gaze persistent in its pursuit in drawing Luhan out of his dissident world.

“Hit me.” Luhan dared with a  raise of his brow. “Do you have the balls to –” The poison that spilled with his every word was replaced with the taste of iron when blood laced the tip of his tongue. Youngjae punched him to the floor, the wicked right hook disorienting him on impact. “You motherer.” ‘He hit me!’ The - of the century punched him across the face! And it actually hurt! ‘What the living is that!’

Youngjae hated resorting to violence. He hated the thought of blood dripping and pain receptors running amok in the inflicted area Luhan cupped a hand over. But he deserved it! Luhan deserved the pain, the blood, and the inflammatory response that sent a cascade of events to redden his cheek. He deserved it all and so much more, and he was prepared to give it to him. Youngjae was a split second away from losing all sense of self and pummeling the inconsiderate bastard to the floor. There was no room for crying, no reason to doubt the feelings that made him want that happy fairytale ending.

But he felt it again.

The tears welled in his eyes and the sight of Luhan sitting up blurred into oblivion with the anger that escaped him faster than his cries of confusion and anguish. “I hate this.” He hated how much he wanted Himchan by his side. “I hate this.” He despised the fact that Himchan’s touch, his smile and his laughter tethered him to the world that was just as vibrant as his boyfriend was and always will be. “Why is this happening to me?” And he hated Luhan. He especially hated the blond for making him realize just how lost and pathetic he really was.

His knees hit the floor and he held onto the closest person who seem to have kept him from falling prey to the monsters of his diffident convictions. Luhan was twisting and turning in his arms, bracing his hands against his chest to push him away. He did everything in his power to escape, but Youngjae was just as determined to hold him close and never let him go. He needed something concrete, something tangible in order to fight off the numbness that started from his limbs and slowly spread throughout his body. It didn’t matter that Luhan was cussing up a storm, that he was threatening to gouge his eyes out, and that he was seconds away from dismembering him. Because what Luhan did, what he said and what he went through to physically and mentally tear him apart reminded Youngjae that he was there with him and not lying in a pool of his own blood.

“Thank you.” Youngjae buried his sodden face into the curve of Luhan’s neck. “Thank you for being such a pain in the by saving me.”

“I didn’t save your .” The struggle diminished by a fraction and Luhan was left sitting stiffly in Youngjae’s inescapable embrace. “So I don’t need your half- appreciation.”

“It’s not half-.” Youngjae mumbled. “I really do thank you for –”

“Shut up. Just shut the up.”

Lay never banked on Luhan melting into the kindness and comfort others bestowed upon him. He was never the kind of person who leaned into the warmth of another’s gratitude. Luhan would never change and the admonish tone of the blonde’s icy demand was concrete evidence of that fact. Luhan peeled Youngjae off of him and scrambled to his feet, chest heaving, his face red with fury, and the sharpness of his voice relayed within the seemingly serrated edge of his brows that furrowed in agitation.

“Stop relying on others. Stand on your own two goddamn feet like a ing man. Don’t cry. Don’t cling. Don’t be the ing parasite your of a boyfriend takes advantage of. It’s pathetic and the more you do it, the more you don’t get the respect you deserve.” Luhan was beyond steaming – the boy was fuming mad and he failed to restrain himself from conveying that anger through the nasty edge in his voice. “I’ve been there. Daehyun’s been there. Even Tao has gone there more times than I can count, and look at us. We’re ed up. I’m pissed off every ing second I’m awake, Daehyun has his damn trust issues and this here,” He pointed off at Tao who blankly stared down at the kitten cradled protectively in his arms. “I can’t even begin to explain how screwed up he’s gotten through the years. Love, or whatever you want to call the bull that causes people to act like spineless pieces of , changed us in the worst possible way and I’m over nine-thousand-ing-percent sure it’s going to do the same to you if you stupidly continue to go down this road.”

Lay stayed quiet, Tao did the same, and Youngjae blankly stared off into space as if processing everything that was said was as laborious as accepting what he had already deemed as the truth. He felt hopeless. He felt empty. Youngjae was mentally unhinged and he could feel every solid fixture of reasonability escape him without warning.

“You’re ing hopeless.” And just like his fragile state of mind, Luhan expectedly took him by the arm and wrenched him off of the ground. He dragged him to the car and forced him into the passenger seat as if he was a sack of trash unworthy of the sensitivity Luhan wasn’t capable of expressing.

“What are you doing?” Lay was able to ask when the fuming blond led them a ways out of earshot from the car.

“I want you to go back to Seoul, hack into that er's school’s computer system, and figure out the classes he’s taking.”

Lay stared in confusion. “What for?”

Luhan snatched the kitten from Tao’s arms and dismissed himself without any regard to the inquire that was left unanswered. “Just get done, Lay. Do what I said and get it done. Let me handle my business and you handle yours.” There was no other directions given. Luhan got into the car and left both Tao and Lay stranded on the side of the road to do, just as Luhan strictly advised, the that needed to be taken care of.  

Spontaneity attracted him to so many problematic situations that, at times, Daehyun thought about life behind bars with nothing but a jumper on and a series of numbers identifying him as the delinquent he became. Thinking about his actions was never his strong point after all since it was Youngjae who took the responsibility upon himself to always set him on the right track. But when he wasn’t there - when Youngjae refuse to answer his calls and ignore the disparity of his text messages - that was when trouble bit him in the and literally slapped him with the restraints he deserved.

“Sit here.”

The officer pulled him alongside the curb and sat him forcefully on the ground. What had happened between the second he got out of bed that morning to the minutes after the sun disappeared behind the horizon was a mystery. He knew the reasons behind his actions, was aware of the drinks that were to blame, but he was unsure of what driven him to a night of crime. Daehyun slumped forward with his wrist bound behind him, his eyes closing in an attempt to obscure the red and blue lights that flashed from the roof of the car beside him.

“You’re going to spend your life in jail if you continue to go down this route. Do you want that?” The authoritative and frank approach the officer took to question him lifted Daehyun’s eyes  from the floor. “Breaking a window will only escalate to bigger things you’ll regret in the long-run.”

A misplace chuckle of amusement cracked Daehyun’s lips into an arrogant grin. “Maybe that’s where I want to go.”

“Daehyun…”

“Stop giving me the lectures. If I want to up, I’ll up and deal with the consequences I decided, on my own free will, to ignore.”

The officer shook his head before returning to the phone he confiscated from him. Daehyun watched as the officer distanced himself to make his call, his level of concern at that point plummeting to the depths of the underworld as his ‘I don’t give a ’ attitude kicked him harder than the migraine that brought his head hanging forward once again.

A half-hour passed in darkness. He kept his eyes closed and screened out the rhythmic tap of impatience that sounded from the heel of the officer’s boot. There was nothing in particular that crossed his mind. No memories. No worries. No pain. Aside from the throbbing headache threatening to turn his brain into mush, there was not a single trace of feelings or emotions that ran through him until an apology hit his ear.

“I’m sorry about this, officer.”

He was to be released to someone other than his mother, and as much as he wanted to look up at the man who apparently ‘came to his rescue’, Daehyun sparred Kris the glare of contempt and simply stared at the asphalt beneath his feet.

“I don’t want him going home like this. Get him sobered up and make sure this doesn’t happen again.” The officer stated as he pulled the rebellious teen on his feet by the forearm.

“Yanno’…” Daehyun chuckled. “If I knew being friends with Junhong would get me out of jail every time I decided to up, I would’ve befriended him a long time ago.” Imperative as it was for Daehyun to shut the up, he couldn’t clip off the darkened wings of defiance. He liked pushing people and flying high to a limitless sky of possibilities that would lead him into more trouble than he already was in. Junhong’s father hesitated to uncuff him, his thickened brow elevating in apprehension of his own actions. “, I would’ve made sure we were b-f-fs for life if it meant I could steal and not give a damn about it.” He would’ve gone on. Daehyun would’ve tested the billowing tides of the officer’s patience if Kris hadn’t in with his Yoda words, his Yoda mind-ery and his equally Yoda-ish demeanor that alleviated the tension. 

Like a marvel comic book hero, he swooped in and pulled Daehyun out of the pits of his own self-destruction. Kris talked to the officer, convinced him to release the blubbering mess in his custody, and as soon as he got the opportunity to do so, Kris led him down the street with a firm hold of his arm.

Daehyun staggered some as he childishly tried to avoid every line, crack and crevasse on the pavement. He tip-toed over a small puddle of water, laughed at the flickering lights above, nearly lost his footing when Kris guided him down an alleyway and was intentionally dependent on the man who lugged him around the streets. Lord only knew Daehyun was lazy to move his own two feet, so he let Kris pull him off to god-knows-where because, for all he cared, he didn’t give a .

“Are you going to ask me?”

A static look of an indecipherable nature turned to him the second Kris slowed his pace. He let him go, taking a step back to give him a once over from head to toe. “Ask you what?” he said, almost oblivious to the fact Daehyun was already recovering his center of gravity faster than any supposed ‘drunk’ would.

“Really? You’re going to play dumb?”

Kris leaned back against a street lamp with arms folded in front of him. “The only one that’s playing dumb is you. So I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking of me? What is it do you want me to ask you?”

Daehyun laughed with a shake of his head. He dragged a hand slowly down his face and tilted his head back, looking up at the darkened skies above. “I’m so ed, Kris.”

“I can see that,” he stated calmly.

“Then why aren’t you asking me ‘why’?”

“Why what?”

Slowly, Daehyun reversed himself back to the nearest wall behind him and sank down to the floor. It was quiet as usually. The silent hum of the night air only bringing with it a chill that touched his cheek and spread throughout his body. “Ask me…ask me why I’m like this.”

Kris sank down to eyelevel, crouching across from the man whose eyes never left the night sky. “Why ask a question I already know the answer to?”

Mind-ery. Mind-ery. Mind-ery! Why couldn’t he get a straight-forward answer for once in his damnable life? “Kris, stop. Just stop the , alright.”

“Daehyun,” It was almost pathetic seeing Daehyun in an unrecoverable state of hopelessness. Only once did he see him crumble under a cloud of despair, and it was only once did Kris vow to ever see Daehyun like that again. “You lost your place in that newspaper club of yours, am I right?”

Surprised by Kris’s ability to obtain information no one outside from school should have had the knowledge of, Daehyun redirected his attention away from the sky and onto those burning black pair of eyes. “How do you know that?”

“It doesn’t matter how, or why, or when; what matters is you.”

“What matters is me?” The question pitched slightly when irritation wrung his neck. “What the living is that supposed to mean, Kris?! Why do you always have to do the Yoda mind craft of mind-ery with me? Why can’t you just say what you want to say? Why can’t you just stop confusing me?”

“Because it’s better like this, Daehyun.”

He looked up to the sky in disbelief, his head shaking left and right all the while. “What’s better? How is it better?”

There was nothing good that came out of a mind-ery only Kris mastered to the letter. Daehyun was at a lost of what to do, what to say, and how to go about solving a problem that was left in another’s hands. The newspaper club was his everything. It was going to open so much doors of opportunity for him that he based his life and the majority of his future on a scholarship that would’ve taken him places. But he screwed up. He was so confused about his priorities that to have Kris scramble his brains with his mind-ery acted more like a poison than a remedy.

“It’s just better , Daehyun.” Kris got up and sat closely beside him. He didn’t say anything more or even elaborated as to the obvious reasons why Jung Daehyun was a screw up in every level and every sense of the word. He merely took Daehyun’s wrist in his lap and formed the lightest smile that, to anyone else, wouldn’t be considered a smile at all, but to Daehyun’s perceptive eyes, it was a smile unlike any smile that had passed over his lips.

“I’ll never understand you, Kris.”

“And the same goes for you.” The softness of a chuckle carried off with the wind. “It’s a great thing, don’t you think?”

“I don’t get it.”

“Well, the thing is, we can’t tell what the future holds. We can’t figure out what’s coming next or anticipate each other’s next move. It’s confusing. The unexpected gets the adrenaline going because we just don’t know if what we start and decide to finish to the very end will turn out to be the best thing we’ve ever done, or a train wreck just waiting to happen.”

Daehyun felt the entire weight of his words bearing down on him when he found himself connecting with a truth he had deemed a hindrance on his existence. He slumped his head forward, almost shaken by the hand that gently took his wrist. As unexpected as the caress was, Daehyun kept his eyes hidden behind dark forelocks and sat motionlessly, his wordless reply taken as an unspoken acceptance to the intimate dance Kris’s fingers soon partaken in.

“Being confused and being left guessing of what has yet to come is the beauty of the world we live in - the beauty of life itself.” The silver charms of Daehyun’s bracelet sung under his touch, his nails barely scratching the metal that shined beautifully in the little light the moon provided. Kris’s eyes tentatively followed the path his fingers made across Daehyun’s wrist before settling upon one particular charm he held between his forefinger and thumb. “Dangerous, deceitful, daring, driven, divine, dedicated, defiant, dazzling, determined, devoted, dumbfounded, distinguishing…” Kris rolled the ‘D’ shaped charm between his fingers with each adjective that described the man who donned it. “It’s who you are. You being this way, getting into trouble and just being confused of it all is who you are and who I wouldn’t want to see changing in the slightest.”

Again, Daehyun let out an airy laugh. “You’re so full of , Kris. So, I should just be throwing rocks at store windows and disturbing the peace, is that it? I should be causing mayhem wherever I go because it’s who I am, is that what you’re saying?”

“No,” The twirling of the charm ceased and Kris relaxed his hand over the cool chain of his bracelet. “It’s not the violent nature of your actions that should be left unchanged, but it’s the unpredictability of it. It’s like I said before: Stay confused, that way it leaves others guessing.”

Maybe it was the quietness of the street that gave him a bit of clarity to an otherwise confusing reply. Daehyun could ‘somewhat’ make sense of it even when his mind buzzed with the remnant of mind-altering chemicals alcohol produced. He had been following a routine for so long in his past life that he never realized how haphazard everything became the moment he moved to Seoul. Living at home was disorderly, friends that he made were ever-changing, and his book of secrets was the epitome of a diverse lifestyle that couldn’t be altered. He wanted to discover more, see more and experience so much more than his hometown had to offer that he loved how hectic, how unruly and how different he felt in a city that kept him moving. He loved that, and he especially loved how everyone in his life challenged him and changed him for the better.

“Yanno’” Daehyun pulled his wrist from beneath Kris’s hand. “I think it would be less confusing if you just ed me and get all this confusion done and over with.” He wasn’t drunk to the extent he’d be considered wasted. Even without the shots and beers he took on a whim, Daehyun would’ve posed the same questions, exuded the same confusion and demonstrated the same lack of uneasiness when he straddled Kris’s thighs and racked his fingers through his jet black hair like a grade A . Not that he considered himself a of any sort when he only ever adopted the crafty charms of a hooker to dig up the secrets Kris (and everyone else in this damnable world) buried within. “Back at that abandoned hospital I asked you a question…”

People say the eyes were the looking-glass to one’s soul – that they were the windows to an inner-self that had yet to be discovered. Daehyun always believed it. He’d look into a person’s eyes and automatically he could tell, by the way that they acted and the way they responded to a simple glance in their direction, what a good bulk of their personality entailed. However, when the steadiness of a gaze was indefinable and indifferent, Daehyun could neither see nor interpret a thing. Kris was unreadable and a part of him liked that about the man who locked away his emotions as tightly and as securely as he did.

“You remember that really ed up question, don’t you?”

A smile cracked the icy planes of gravidity, and as if to answer his questions with actions alone, Kris took hold of either side of hips that hovered closely over his. “You mean when you asked me if I wanted to you?”

“Yeah,” he responded with a mirrored grin of amusement. “I want an answer and I want one now.” Daehyun knew better than to expect Kris to comply to his every demand. He was a man of pride, a man of self-discipline and a man who followed the beat of his own drum so to speak. He didn’t like people telling him what to do, and so the silence that trailed on was more than what he expected. The smile faded slightly, the fingers that splayed over his hips fell back at his side and the warmth of his breath grew immensely hotter when eyes refuse to leave the other.

“Your question is invalid.”

He studied Kris carefully, the magnified smile spread across lips mere millimeters from his own as daunting as his calculating gaze. “How is it invalid?”

“Everything you do and everything you say is invalid because ‘you need him more than ever’.”

Why did that sound so familiar? Why did that one phrase alone ring a bell that shouldn’t have been rung? Daehyun slowly pulled back with an incredulous look in eyes that narrowed in realization of the words that had once came out of his own mouth. He got off of him, his teeth baring in a snarl of contempt. “Screw you, Kris.”

“Why the hostility?” he asked, remaining seated in front of the angered brunette. “I’m just quoting you.”

“Xiumin and Lay told you?”

“And what if they did? Was it supposed to be a secret? Are you and Yongguk a secret?”

What happened at that basketball court should’ve stayed in that basketball court. Xiumin and Lay promised him they wouldn’t say a word about the paintball assault they initiated, the present that was given to him, the bet that was lost with the simple unveiling of a mirror, and the confession that wasn’t a confession at all. Yongguk was his business and his business alone, which meant Kris didn’t have the right or the reason to interfere!

“It’s not like that. I was screwing with him, that’s all.” But why defend himself? Why bother giving Kris excuses in an attempt to ease his mind? Everything that happened on that basketball court was an act of surrender that he rightfully owned up to. He lost and therefore he eased into the idea of simply giving in without losing himself in the process. Did that even make sense? Did anything he did thus far ever made sense? Daehyun was losing his mind and after losing his place in the newspaper committee, losing the game and feeling like he was losing Youngjae as well, he felt as if he was backing himself up into a corner. “I’m not gay. I never was. I never will be. It’s not who I am.”

That torturous stare, the façade of a smile so fraught in what Daehyun could only assume was an expression of disappointment and pain had rooted him in place. Even if he wanted to, even if he willed every bone in his body to walk away, Daehyun couldn’t tear himself from the frigidness of a gaze that left him speechless. Kris didn’t move, didn’t give any inclination that he was going to stand and draw near him, but just simply having his eyes steadily observing him made Daehyun feel afraid. And it wasn’t the kind of fear that ensnared the soul and threatened to immobilize him from head to toe; No, it wasn’t like that at all. It was simply anticipating what he had to say next that made him feel so fearful that maybe, just maybe, Daehyun would come to realize everything he did and said thus far was all so very wrong.

But strangely Kris smiled that genuine smile he was never known for. “I believe you, Daehyun.”

“No you don’t.” Because how could he believe him when every thing one could think of doing had already been done right in front of his eyes? “You don’t believe because…because –” He struggled with the explanation that came out in stutters and unwavering tides of discomfort. What was he supposed to say? Where should he even begin? He didn’t know. He just didn’t know and Daehyun cursed himself for feeling so helpless.

Kris stood up to save him from saying another word “Can I ask you a question?” He waited for an answer, leaning back on the brick wall and buried his hands in the warmth of his coat pocket as he did so. After a few seconds of silence, he took the brief eye contact that was made as the permission he needed to continue. “What so wrong about being gay?”

“Nothing’s wrong with it.” His best-friend who was gay for Christ sakes! It wasn’t like he was homophobic or deemed such a love as a sin. There was no discriminating against feelings that was as natural as love itself. So he didn’t have a problem with it. He never had or ever will. “Other people can be gay. I don’t care what other people decide to do. But I can’t. I can’t go down that route because it’s not me. It’s not who I am. It’s not what I’m about.”

“And what are you about, Daehyun? Because from what I remember, you were all about finding love. You were all about finding that special someone you could spend your entire life with. And you didn’t give a single about what people think. You didn’t care about normalcy, what was right and what was wrong, and everything else people scrutinized to no end. It was just about finding someone to be with and nothing else.”

Hyunjin helped him with that. She guided him through the ups and downs and the rocky terrains love and heartache was made up of, and to be reminded of his past put a strain on his heart. “I want a family.”

“And you can have one.” Kris offered. “There’s alternatives. You can adopt, you can –”

“It’s not the same. It won’t be the same.” Completely and utterly frustrated by the topic of discussion, Daehyun buried his hands in his hair. He turned his back on him and as if drained from every contradiction that came up thus far, he leaned himself against the lamppost with a dreaded sigh escaping him. “I want my kids to have my eyes and my obscenely huge lips. I want them to have their mother’s hair and nose. I want them to live happy lives with me and my wife and their two puppies by their side. It’s going to be the family that I never had. It’s going to be the piece of normalcy that I’ll never get tired of.” It may have been the most selfish thing he could ever ask for, but he’d ignore the howling pains of his own desires and go up against all odds just to have what he spent most of his pre-teen years searching for. And he didn’t know why. He honestly didn’t know the reason behind such fervency to find a girl that may not even exist.

He just knew he had to find her – whoever she may be.

“You know it’s not going to work out that way, don’t you?”

Daehyun let out a half-hearted laugh. “You don’t know that. You don’t know jack , Kris. It’s the ing beauty of the world after all, right?” He mocked, keeping his back to him in contempt of his contradictory bull. “You don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s going to happen. So I’m going to ride it out and hope to hell that I’m not going to end up on the wrong side of the road.” What he carelessly let slip had to have been the most cruel and inconsiderate statement he had ever said. He caught the indirect barb of his words almost immediately and he bit his bottom lip, suppressing the short fuse of his temper.

But why feel an inkling of regret? Why attempt to apologize and take back what he just said? He wasn’t supposed to be there. Kris wasn’t supposed to come in and save the day as if he was responsible for him. But there he was, pushing himself off of the wall and disturbing the earth with each unwanted step he took towards him. Kris seized Daehyun’s wrist with an iron grip, turning him around and staring straight into the eyes that was hell-bent on avoiding him.

“What the hell-” The silver trinket was lifted at eyelevel, drawing their attention to the charms that dangled between them. “What are you doing?”

Kris twisted the bracelet in search for its latch. “I’m ridding you of the burden.”

“Who said it was a burden?!” Before Kris could unfasten what was rightfully his, Daehyun tugged his arm back, but not without facing a wall of resistance. Kris held on, denying him the pleasure of the escape he direly sought out for.

“Do you not hear the words that come out of your mouth?” Kris calmly replied in spite of the tug-of-war between them. “You know what this bracelet means to me, and yet you insist on keeping it?”

Daehyun laughed at the irony of it all. “It’s confusing, isn’t it? Maybe now you know how I feel about your Yoda mind-ery bull.” He could try to tug his arm out of the restrain that refused to let him go all he wanted to, but there was no escaping it. Kris was as determined to hold on as Daehyun was to be released, and the more they struggled the more unresolved anger rose between them. Civility snapped on Kris’s part whilst the webs of hesitation torn to shreds on Daehyun’s end; And when two forces collided, it was a matter of strength that came out the victor in the end.

The lamppost shook and a sharp inhale sounded when Daehyun’s back collided against the pole. Despite the wince of pain that crossed his face, Kris kept the younger’s arm held across his chest as a means to place him under yet another restraint Daehyun wanted nothing more than to break out of. Daehyun tilted his head back and took a deep breath just so he could expend the warmth of a long-gestated sigh upon lips that was too close for comfort. It was spine-tingling. The stillness in the air was suffocating, the thickening atmosphere strangling him with the simplicity of a stare that took him past the zenith point of breathlessness and wordlessness.

The grip on his wrist tightened and he could feel the cool metal of his bracelet dig into skin. It took him a moment to snap out of the trance dark, liquescent eyes were responsible for. But when Daehyun was able to take note of Kris’s towering height and the look in eyes that hovered over him, the situation suddenly became a matter of deciding whether to stay rooted against the shallow rise and fall of his chest or push him away like a defiant rebel he percieved himself to be.

“You asked me a question...” Kris leaned closer and angled his face in a way that made it possible to get a glimpse at the lovely seam of Daehyun’s lips. They were parted some, the breathy heat of anticipation escaping in short wisps of air that reminded Kris of a warm summer’s breeze. “That question about whether or not I want to you…”

It was maddening how the very essence of his touch had a way of controlling every nerve-ending that responded to hips that pressed against his. Every part of Daehyun  throbbed. His heart languidly thrummed against his chest, his mind under a mist of intoxication physiology was to blame for. It wasn’t his fault. It never was. Daehyun’s body acted instinctively, yearned for him naturally, and that desire all came together to form a long string of silence that made up his response, or the lack thereof.

“My answer to your question will be the same answer you give me for my question.” Say yes and he’ll agree. Deny him whatever he inquired and his own request will suffer that same fate. It was a parallel of indecisiveness that affected them both. Daehyun reflexively lowered his head and looked toward the ground as he always did when a decision had to be thoroughly thought over. However, fighting for the bracelet with a sleep-deprived male pulled out of bed at 3 in the morning didn’t play in his favor. Kris took a fist full of his hair and, as gently as he could, cranked Daehyun’s head back to look up at him and focus on the lips that conveyed what needed to be heard. “Will you come to Las Vegas with me?”

“Vegas?”

“This weekend is the basketball finals and I want you to go with me.”

Daehyun stared at him in confusion. “I don’t have the money for that."

What was he thinking? He should have known better than to question preparations that were planned weeks in advance. “My school’s paying for it.”

“But how? I’m not part of your school or –”

“It doesn’t matter.” Kris quickly interjected. “The details doesn’t matter right now. I just want to know your answer. Yes or no. Will you go with me?”

 If it was any other day and any other given situation, Daehyun wouldn’t have thought twice about taking a free trip to the city of sin. He had always wanted another chance to fly overseas, but he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. Not that he had the mindset to think about it when Kris's shallow breaths washed over him. Looking at Kris staring back at him was a calming effect of sorts that eased the tension from his shoulders all the way down to the knots that coiled in his stomach. He couldn't hesitate any longer. There was no need to think things through, so he chuckled and reached into Kris’s back pocket to retrieve his wallet and the credit cards within it.

He made up his mind. It wasn’t the easiest decision he ever made, but he made it and as such he was determined to go with the flow of things as he pushed Kris away from him. He started walking down the street, Kris following close behind, and with the flick of a wrist, he tossed the older male’s wallet over his shoulder, which he caught without missing a single stride.

“You’re paying.”

A brow slightly arched in question of what exactly his hard earn cash was going towards. “Paying for what?”

“The hotel we’re staying in tonight.” Daehyun said, tossing a mischious grin his way. “So it means I agree. I’ll go to the devil's playground with you. I mean, I don’t know why the hell you want me to go, but I’ll go because you’re all needy and and can’t leave Seoul without me.”

Kris tilted his head forward to conceal the smile and the laughter that suddenly came over him. Daehyun's arrogance was beyond something that anyone could control, his candid personality as overbearing as his temper; but it was who he was. Daehyun was the man who he couldn’t quite figure out. The man who was as troublesome and trouble itself. The man who knew nothing of what his actions did and how they affected the people around him. And, most importantly of all, Jung Daehyun was the man who changed him.

The man Kris grew to love. 

If there was one single moment in time that he’d forever retain in his memory for a lifetime, it would be those little strips of paper Hyunjin slipped into his hands whenever life tore him down. It was a small gesture, a really effortless act of kindness and concern that relayed within a quote that lifted his spirits high above the sky. She wasn’t one to be, as Luhan and Daehyun would put it, ‘diabetic’. The quotes she pulled from a book or through a simple web search had never been overly sweet. Instead, they were honest, stayed within the realms of realism and impacted him with a kind of truth that had made an impression upon his fickle soul:

"We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone."

During his adolescent years, Suho never once felt the loneliness most people hadn’t the strength or the reason to escape from. He had a loving family and was fortunate enough to have someone who he could call the other half to his dismembered soul. U-Kwon was gentle, he was unobtrusive, quiet and would never harm a fly. Personal bias would deem him perfect in every sense of the word, but Suho had known better than to overlook his faults. He was a drop out and, for one reason or another, U-Kwon had a hard time keeping a job. But, despite it all, Suho loved him. He loved him as much as anyone could love an imperfect human being.

“Baby.” What made Suho adore him so much was the harmonic tenors of his voice that strummed at the sensitive cords that made up his entire being. “Suho.” He could always tell, by the whimsical tone trailing his every word, that a smile marred his beautiful features, that he was happy, and that U-Kwon felt as over-joyed as he was to be by his side. “Wake up.” U-Kwon could touch him, smooth the palm of his hand down his arm to discard the blanket from his form, and even trace the auricle of his ear with the tip of his tongue and it would feel as if he was back to the place where their love began.

“Suho.” However, just like the mystical dragons U-kwon obsessed over long ago, he breathed onto his ear with a heated threat that burned like fire and turned Suho’s hopes into ash. He wasn’t the man that he was before. That man was gone and he was never coming back again. “I will burn you if you don’t get up.” The cigarette pressed firmly between U-Kwon’s cynical grin trailed with an amorphous smoke that decided his fate. The gray cloud dispersed, skin seared, flesh burned, and Suho’s jaw locked in his failed attempt to suppress his cry when the lit end of the red head’s cigarette pressed against his neck. 

“Stop!”

U-Kwon chuckled softly at his plea. “I would love to stop, Suho.” He said softly as if to sincerely sooth away his pain. “There’s nothing more I want than to stop hurting you, but I need to take disciplinary actions, baby. It’s like the world, y’see. World order is dependent on a hierarchy. It’s a system controlled by those situated on the highest pillars of society who sets rules and control every single event in the world so chaos doesn’t ensue.” He threaded his fingers through dampened locks clumped and sullied by a mixture of blood and sweat. “You do agree, don’t you?” As expected, the question was met with silence. “It is why you’re here after all. It is why Daehyun was able to escape because, in a way, the concept of world order entitled you to the decision that brought you to my bed.”

He pecked a kiss to Suho’s temple, the harmless display of affection visibly displaying the fear and hatred that turned his head away from him. Suho pet his head gently, padding the tips of his fingers over blotches of red at his scalp before pulling away and receding back into the light the open window provided. Sitting on the window sill, U-Kwon tilted his head at a slight angle with a look in his eyes that could almost be mistaken as a lover’s longing gaze. However, Suho knew it was anything but love that shimmered in his eyes and drew his lips into a smile. It was as plain as day, when Suho managed to look up at him, what festered in the smoldering black of those dark and menacing irises was a grueling concoction of adulterated sadism. 

U-Kwon admired the bruises his hands created, swooned over the lacerations and abrasions that littered his ‘loving beau’s’ chest, abdomen and thighs; he thoroughly enjoyed the swelling of Suho’s right eye when the back of his hand had subdue his struggles through the night, and glorified the strength his ex-boyfriend expended when he slowly sat himself up to curl his hands into the sheets speckled in his own blood. 

“I never understood what happened between us.”

Suho sacrificed everything for him: Family, friends, his future. He never forgotten that, and yet U-Kwon held no inkling of appreciation toward his better-half’s devotion. “You quit school for me.” U-Kwon mockingly reminisced. “You came out to your family and your father beaten you for it and kicked you out in the process.” What he spoke of was no laughing matter, but the smile on U-Kwon’s face as he laid down the series of events that led to a bloody, battered and bruised Kim Joon Myun held a delightful glint of amusement that made the red head chuckle. “Baby, you gave up everything for me and I never thought you had it in you to do it. But here you are, still here with me like the good obedient boy that you’ll always be.”

“I loved you.”

U-Kwon shook his head. “You loved the idea of escaping your picture perfect lifestyle. It's how good boys are like during that rebellious stage in their life when perfection becomes redundant and boring.”

“That’s not true.” Suho cared about his family, was appreciative of the comfortable lifestyle he was blessed with and equally, if not more than anything else, loved U-Kwon for every little thing he stood for. “I knew you when you were quiet. I met you when you were nothing more than what you describe me as: obedient, good, and devoted. You showed no sign of the bad you imply.”

“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.” He tutted whimsically. “Must you be a hopeless romantic? Must you hold on to the hope that maybe your good will counteract everything that’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you.” He must’ve sounded crazy when he stated a claim that contradicted the wounds, lesions and bruises a night of merciless had caused him. “Nothing was ever wrong with you.”

Suho’s tactless lies triggered lips to slack into an unamused and nearly expressionless grin that soon pulled U-Kwon away from the window. He breathed in a lungful of the cancerous substance that calmed him with every inhale he took. His newly lit cigarette was held between his index and ring finger at his side, smoke billowing and ascending in a line that was as distorted as U-Kwon’s current state of mind.

“Nothing’s wrong with me?” A slight twinge of fear emblazoned within Suho the second U-Kwon sat himself at the edge of the bed. He discreetly held his breath when fingers carded through his hair and the callused tips of U-Kwon’s fingers dragged down the side of his swollen face. “It’s the first time I’ve heard that said to me, Suho.”

He was , exposed and at the mercy of the chilling cold that radiated from lips that pressed against his. Surprising enough though, the smile that overlapped his chapped and battered mouth was soft to the touch. It was unforceful, kind and restricted in the sense that a part of Suho actually felt as if no harm would come of him. He didn’t force his tongue down his throat and suffocated him with the pleasures he couldn’t refuse. U-Kwon was comforting, his thumb fanning over his cheek as if soothing him and relinquishing his fears was of the utmost importance. There was no blade that sliced through skin, no burning pain that came when Suho’s body was used as an ashtray. It was just the light, feathery touches and nothing else, and strangely the sudden change scared him more than ever.

“You want to know what happened between us?” His eyes were like a vortex of the unforeseen. Suho was waiting to see something, anything, that would hint at what has yet to come. But U-Kwon locked it all away. His emotions and his feelings were hidden behind an empty smile and Suho could do nothing to brace himself for the worst. 

U-Kwon chuckled and cradled Suho’s head between his hands with the same gentleness each peck of the mouth exuded. One hand would tangle in his hair while the other allowed gravity to take its course as fingers dragged down his chest like dew drops on a window pane. It was comforting, serene, and Suho foolishly thought he was coming back to him, that maybe the part of U-Kwon he met all those years ago was waiting to be uncovered again.

But it wasn’t that simple.

Dreams didn’t blossom into reality that easily, and when he felt the burn of his cigarette snubbed against his chest, the monster from deep within clawed back to the surface again. “What happened to us started with Dae- and ended with -Hyun.” He broke away from him with a guttural laugh that reverberated off of the walls and muted the pain-striken cry that rattled the marrow of Suho's bones. 

He stared at him in disbelief. “Daehyun? W-What does he have to do with –“

“Everything.” There was a reason to his madness and the brevity of his deteriorating witticism, and it all began and will eventually end with Jung Daehyun. “Heroin is such a strong drug, Suho. Daehyun was addicted to it. You know that much of his past, don’t you?” He could say not a word of a reply. There was no telling where U-Kwon was going with this and he was afraid to find out. “He was so lost back then. The poor black sheep in a flock of white couldn’t fit in. So I was there to melt away his reality. I was there to supply him with whatever he needed.” He looked out the window he soon leaned back against and smiled lightly at the rising sun. “To make a very long story short, he got angry for getting addicted and he blamed me. So he hit me over the head, drugged me, and the irony of it all is, what Kai did to him in that warehouse is what he did to me.” U-Kwon giggled at the incredulous look he was met with when he returned his gaze back to the man who couldn’t believe a single word he said. “He tied me down, shot me up with one drug after the next until I got hooked to the point where I couldn’t let it go. He separated us, and it’s funny that you’re the one who’s protecting him.”

It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. Even under the influence, Daehyun wasn’t capable of such cruelty. “You’re lying.”

U-Kwon laughed. “Oh baby, if only you were there to see the show. Too bad the past can’t replay itself for you to enjoy. So believe what you want. It doesn’t matter to me because as long as he’s alive and kicking, I’m going to have my fun with him.”

“U-Kwon – ”

“But of course,” He was quick to interrupt. “I haven’t forgotten about the systematic theology of World Order that we agreed upon.” Lighting himself another cigarette, he took a long therapeutic drag before crossing the room to make his exit. He stalled at the doorway and that same 'ol smile – that devilishly sardonic grin – turned back at him in all its inhuman glory. “You can continue to protect him. You can continue to turn a blind eye to everything he has done just like how you screen out the pain I cause you. You can postpone his suffering and know I won’t lay a hand on him so long as your nights are spent in my bed. But, sooner or later, the truth will come out. And when it does I’ll savor the look on your face when you realize…you’ve been protecting a man who is just as much of a monster as I am.”

A/N: Oh my god you guys, it's been 5ever since I updated. I wonder who is still with me lol Am I all by my lonesome now? XD Anyways, hopefully this chapter lives up to what I produced in the past. It's been so long since I actually wrote something that I'm all self-concious and shiz OTL So yeah, decided to add U-Kwonnie and Suho just cus it was important and I was gone for so long lol And um...yeah...I know, Luhannie is an to youngjae...It got all verbally violent...but he's a sweet , no? lol or did I mean he has a sweet lol idk...okay I'm so done xD I'm sorry TAT I'm hyper.  But how's everything so far guys. Like where things are going? In a state of 'what the is this '? The chapter not live up to y'alls expectation oAo? Things just moving along too slowly? Let me know so I can improve <3

Also, thank you so so so so very much jumpingcheetah, ondubuliya, Anna_Kraft, hyunnieprincess, SheyShey110, Anniechew2001, syupeomaen, and Biancer for the upvotes. It means a lot to me that you thought my story was worthy of upvotes. Gets me all hyped up to write more, as do ya'lls comments, criticisms and whatnots <3 Thankies, you all are the best /huggles 

FYI this is the last chapter....as in the last long chapter lol I need to really shorten chapters from here on out or it'll take me forever to update. So yeah, letting you guys know :3 peace out and see you in the next chappie <3