"Dae, we need to talk." Youngjae says, his book snapping shut. Daehyun looks up from his bowl of cereal, a late night snack he threw together for the heck of it. They hadn't spoken in days, maybe even a week since Youngjae told him the news and Daehyun's mistrust resurfaced (unbeknownst to the former). Setting down his spoon he looks his friend in the eye, those secretive, calculating eyes.

"About?" he prompts. He keeps his tone just somber enough, as if still mourning the loss of her.

"Well, her, you know—no, actually you don't know..." Youngjae nibbles on his bottom lip, brows furrowing as he debates something with himself. Daehyun watches his jaw carefully before he speaks again. There's no clench, he's truthful as he continues, "She... She was your girlfriend. Her name was _______. You guys met three years ago, probably within the time span you can't remember... I didn't tell you about her before because I thought it'd just hurt you more. But, uh, just-just give me a minute." Youngjae quickly rises and flits into his room, leaving a wary Daehyun behind. In the short time he's alone Daehyun repeats what Youngjae told him, the fact that she, ______, is his girlfriend and her name... Her name is just as lovely as the memories, the faint reminders of her.

"She gave me this to give you if anything happened to her..." Youngjae mumbles with a sincere guilt riddling in his words. Daehyun studies the envelope proffered to him, his name written in a neat, round script on the back. He takes it cautiously, slowly turning it in his hands unsurely. Youngjae fidgets, shifting his weight from foot to foot then retreats back to his books choosing to give him privacy. Daehyun takes it a step further and goes to his room, cereal abandoned, door locked behind him.

Sinking onto the foot of his bed Daehyun stares at the slim paper in his hands. He's afraid to open it. As curious as he is he can't bring himself to rip open the envelope to get to the contents within it. A sense of dread fills him, a cold fear creeping up his spine and chilling him to his core. She gave me this to give you if anything happened to her. She'd planned for the worst and here's what she probably thought would be her final words to him...

Mechanically he peels open the envelope, the adhesive pulling apart easily with age. He estimates it to be at least a year old, maybe even older. Daehyun pauses when the flap sticks up, free of the glue that'd kept it sealed. Before he can decide against it he pulls out the letter. His hands shake slightly as he unfolds it once, twice, three times. His heart stutters seeing the full page of writing, her words to him.

My Daebutt,

            I don't mean to sound cliché but, if you're reading this that means something's happened to me. At this moment I can never know for sure what it could be that's brought this letter to your hands… I may even be dead... Whatever the case may be, I wrote this so you'd have something left of me even after I'm gone. Hopefully, we can see each other again but, if I am in fact dead, if I'm truly gone then I need you to know what I write next is from the very bottom of my heart, for you...

            From the day we met I knew you would be the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We were young, stupid, and met at the exact wrong time and place. I didn't care. I never did. Even after I found out about you and your life with B.A.P, all the things you do, I still wanted to be with you. The times we spent together were the best of my life, the most meaningful days I cherish in my heart. I only wish we had more time together now that I think what my life had been without you and what it became with you. I truly hope you hold the time we shared together as dearly in your heart as I always have and still do, no matter what's happened to me.

            Did I ever tell you how afraid of you I was when we first met? I laugh about it now but, you really were intimidating back then. Of course, the more I got to know you the more I realized it was all a show to deal with your unsavory clients. After all, B.A.P needs to keep up their ferocious image, right? Yet, you always softened up after your work was done. You're a lot warmer than you lead on, kind, thoughtful, surprisingly clingy—you were everything I could ever ask for behind that scowl of yours. What I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that I ask you don't lose that part of you now that I'm gone. Don't get lost in the indifference and cold disposition you put on so often. As much as that's a part of you, the soft, Daebutt side of you is too. Please don't let that go. Don’t be that scary informant I met all those years ago (or however much time has passed, I can't know for sure). Promise, for my sake, you'll at least try.

            Whatever happened to me, no matter how directly related to you or B.A.P it is, do not ever blame yourself. I don't care if it's my link to B.A.P that caught up to me or anything else that can come back to you. If you live with that guilt hanging over your head I'm going to come back an haunt you! In all seriousness though, I'd never be able to forgive myself if you lived with the burden of my circumstances on your shoulders. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault and you can't blame yourself for it. You have to live your life without me and being depressed about it won't help you carry any easier. You're strong. I know you are. You can move on just fine. Just make sure you don't run off with some girl who doesn't deserve you, okay?

            Daehyunnie, my bottomless pit, my precious Daebutt, I love you so, so much, never forget that. I love you with all my soul, every beat of my heart was for you and you only. I wish I could express how much you mean to me but, I can't find the words to explain it. Daehyun-ah, I was happy with you, happier than any other time in my life. Don't miss me too much, okay? It may be hard at first but, think of the times we spent together and smile.You have the most beautiful smile. I still remember how hard my heart was beating when I saw it for the first time. I swear I saw heaven that day. I sound pretty selfish saying this but, it was like the sun starting shining just for me.

            Promise me you'll smile more often, not when you're on the job but, any other time you're with the guys make those whiskers of yours I can't get enough of. Don't forget to smile, okay? Whatever you do, smile, it'll make your life better, promise. Keep yourself safe, please. I know you guys take good care of each other so I'm not too worried but, just be extra careful. I don't even want to think about you getting hurt, or worse...

            Daebutt, you mean the world to me, you are my everything. I hope you'll think of me and be happy, don't dwell on the bad, remember the good and the laughs. I'll never stop loving you, never. Even if my heart's stopped beating, my spirit will be with you, beating in your heart for us. I'll be in the caramel you always tell me I remind you of, the coffee shop, I'll be with you always.

All my love,

Your Mocha-Tokki

P.S: Don't worry. We'll meet again one day. We'll have another coffee date soon, okay? You just have to be patient! The mochas will be waiting for us, no rush. Love you, Daebutt.

Daehyun reads the letter again and again for what feels like hours. He doesn't feel the heartbreak he'd feared, the tears he was certain would come. No, he doesn't feel anything, can't feel anything. He's numb, dead to everything. He wasn't sure what to expect, what he'd get from this letter. But he did expect something other than this, other than this lifelessness. It's like his very soul has been extinguished. There's an impossible void, a suffocating loss in him that makes breathing laborious.

She may not have died in the accident but, who knows what happened to her? For all he knows she could actually be dead by some other means. Maybe by means she'd written about, her connection to "B.A.P." What is that anyway? B.A.P.... The acronym is, unsurprisingly, unfamiliar. Daehyun has absolutely no idea what that could be, though he'd apparently been a part of it. Work, guys, informant—had he been in some kind of organization? A company? A gang? The last theory, though ridiculous, sounds the way she spoke of this B.A.P and their work, her connection to them apparently dangerous.

Daehyun goes from numb to analytic in an instant, the letter becoming a source of information over the "last" words of his girlfriend.

It makes sense. If he is in fact an ex-gang member his subconscious behavior, the effortless lying, the distrust, everything would finally have an explanation. Continuing that logic, his ability to retain information, to lie, to control his expression, that all is a result of his apparent "job" in this gang. He was an informant, a trader of knowledge, an information broker. That would also explain what she meant by "unsavory clients" and "ferocious image." All the pieces are fitting together. They're fitting almost too well together.

Except one thing.

Where does Youngjae fit into all this?

Was he a member of B.A.P too? The fact that he can't remember Youngjae anywhere in his memory previous the three years he assumes to have been spent with this gang leads him to believe he might have been. And these "guys," the other members, what happened to them? Are they still out doing their various jobs? Are they looking for him? Are they looking for Youngjae too? Could they have heard the news of his memory loss, the time he spent being their informant wiped clean from his mind? Did they decide he wasn't worth the trouble to reteach, to retrain?

What if they're dead? What if the accident that ruined his memory was related to them, to B.A.P? What if the accident, the one that killed so many people, killed off the other members? If that's the case then how did he survive? How did Youngjae get away with his memory and just a few bandages and bruises here and there?

Daehyun's mind reels with theories, assumptions, educated guesses, and hypothetical scenarios of his past based off what the letter contained. He knows he can't ask Youngjae about any of this, if he's been holding out on him this long already he isn’t going to tell him anything now either. There's still the matter of his distrust of Youngjae that he needs to properly assess as well, figure what he could've done to ingrain such a deeply rooted resentment toward him that he can feel it, rather than remember it.

The only answer to these endless questions is ______, the missing variable in this ever expanding equation of his life. Find her and Daehyun gets all the information he needs. Not to mention he gets his girlfriend back, the three years with her, the time lost made up.

Daehyun vows to find her no matter what, no matter how long it takes him.