Story Title : To Make You Smile 

Author : ScreamingMidget

Genre : Drama, Fluff, Romance, Angst

On-going, 7 chapters 

~ REVIEW ~ 

1. Title :     5/5 points 
 

I really like the title. It gives off soft, romantic feel. However, there is also a depressing edge to it, as the title "To Make You Smile" hints that the person this statement is directed at.. doesn't smile. 

2. Foreword and Description:     3.5/5 points
 

I love how you get straight to the point. Some people spend hours and hours talking about their own lives, or how they're so excited to have readers, and so on. However, you don't do that, and simply get on with the introduction of the story. The 10 year flashback is very nice. I would like some background on the characters, though... But perhaps you're just one of those people who want the readers to "discover" the characters, instead of simply explaining who they are. That's fine by me, as well. 

The issue, though, is that I'm having difficulty connecting to any of the characters.Perhaps a character info thing really is neccessary? D; 

I also like how you included a section for credits and thanks ^^ Very kind of you. (Unless the shop requires that you credit. In that case... then you're very good at obeying the rules. Lol) 

3. Poster/Background/Trailer/Graphics :     3/5 points
 

You've had a lot of poster changes, but they just keep getting better and better! My only concern with the poster is that the words are a bit hard to read, and the animation is very subtle-- some people might not even notice that words are coming out. The background is nice and soft, and it definitely won't throw readers off (since it doesn't have vibrant colors). 

The trailer started off REALLY nicely. The transitions were pretty good. However, the moment we hit tragedy, suddenly the scenes become extremely choppy and don't transition well. This is one of the more vital parts of the trailer, as this is a moment for readers to connect and empathize with the OC. The transitions get better at the end, but the choppines in the middle kind of killed my initial excitement. The fact that the main character looks completely different in the scenes also threw me off as well. I know it's really difficult to make a perfect trailer, but I think... this one could use a little more work. Perhaps you could request for some changes in it? Also, I doubt that the Korean that the girls say at the beginning is really what the captions says it is. If it is, then ignore what I'm about to say, because I don't speak Korean LOL. If they saying something totally opposite, though, then that part should be taken out of the trailer, or someone should dub over the original voices, because it'll throw off people who really do speak Korean. 

Ultimately, though, I am really looking foreword to reading your story ^^ I had no idea that it was LUHAN who was going to make her smile ! Now I'm even more excited. 

4. Plot :  18/20 points

The plot is good. It's actually surprisingly not as cliched as i thought it'd be. My feels were already exploding by chapter four..  You can't do this to me. I love Suho so much. You can't use his name in the story and make all of that stuff happen and expect me to be okay with it. I love $uho. TT ^ TT I almost cried in the scene where he didn't respond to Hani's cries...

Wait, where is he anyway? Is he dead, or in a coma? Because you said that he "wasn't in his body"... that means comatose.. right? But there was no mention of him after chapter four... SO IS HE DEAD? 

AND. You continue to hint at something OVER AND OVER. Something in Luhan's past... And it's driving me insane!! (The good kind). I really want to know just what happened in the past for Luhan to feel like he needs to repay the debt. And how can Hani possibly forget something as important as that?! And the fact that Hani's family leaves every year on her birthday... Wtf is going on, Minna. We need to have a little talk later. I'm dying to know! 

The plot is escalating pretty quickly, and it's only chapter seven! Nice job for putting us all on the emotional rollercoaster.. Just try not to add in too many plot twists, or the story will become messy. 

5. Grammar, Spelling, and Vocabulary :    12/15 points

I noticed that a small issue you have is with repitition. It's not repition in the way where you repeat what you say twice, but you tend to use similar words over and over. For example, in Chapter One, you wrote, "Haera spilled her love for her loved one". It sounds weird when you read it like that, don't you think? Perhaps you could switch "loved one" with "little sister" or rewrite the sentence completely. It's really up to you how you fix the sentence (or don't at all), I'm just trying to provide some friendly criticism ^^

Also, I can't tell the difference between thoughts and speech. 

Also, I know that when you use the hyphens (---) and add a quote directly after it, the quotation marks switch over to the other side. Be careful of those! I discovered a few ^^

Chapter One: "Then I'll tell you: our parents think they can marry us off and - "Hani stuttered, "W-wait. You knew?" 

I doubt it'll show up on here... but the quotation mark is on the wrong side of the hyphen. I'm only doing this because I love you, Minna!!

6. Originality :    13/15 points

There's a drama... I can't remember the name or who acted in it, but I remember it was a little similar to this... maybe it was a game I played... or something I read...I don't remember. Oh well. 

It does bear some resemblance to Shining Inheritance AND TWILIGHT (wtf Minna. I hate dat shiet >:C ) at parts, but then again, all stories somehow relate to other things. There is never a story that is truly 100% original. Still, yours is pretty freaking good on the originality scale. 

7. Characterization:   4/10 points

I have some issues concerning Hani's personaltiy. Although you bluntly state that she is seventeen, her actions suggest that she is a child. After all, she hid from her mother, had irrational amounts of luggage, and her siblings refer to her as "little Hani", as if she is a seven year old. I know that this is all part of her diva-ness, but I just can't find myself believing that she is nearly an adult. 

Also, the fact that she is over-spoiled, a diva, and somewhat judgemental means that she should act this way towards everyone, with the exception of her family, of course. She is fun and kind towards the maids, though her personality goes against this. But then again, I'm not a rich spoiled seventeen year old, so I really have no idea how they act like! 

Luhan also feels like Hani is a brat, so why did he run after her mindlessly? He has no love for her (yet). Perhaps you could incorporate some stimulus into the conversation between him & his father, so that he can run off and go look for her. 

Also, Hani recovers way too quickly. It's like she didn't really care about her family or something. In Chapter Six, there was near to none mentions of her family. She didn't seem like she was mourning. 

8. Flow :   4/10 points

From a writer's point of view, I know that you probably replace names and actions with synonyms in order to  avoid using the same words over and over again (for example, sometimes you refer to Hani as "girl" or "dongsaeng"). However, there are times, such as in Chapter One, where there are two girls present, and the use of "girl" becomes rather confusing. I myself was a bit confused until I read the next paragraph. I was thinking to myself, "Wait, is Hani saying this, or is Haera?" 

Overall,  your chapters don't transition well at some parts. For example, the start of Chapter Three. We're introduced to two new characters, Myungsoo and Hyemi. However, the way they are introduced is a bit confusing. There is also some conversation going on between Hani and the servants/maids as well. When you use "girl" in this part, I am utterly confused as to who is saying it. The maids, or Hani? 

Chapter Five confused me utterly. ( But after reading it a few time, I UNDERSTAND. NO PROBLEM) Is there a scene in between that's missing? What happened to Hani's family? Who's dead and who's not? When did Luhan's relationship with Hani get so good? 

9. Overall Enjoyment :   13/15 points

I admit, you had me cracking up a lot. I love how you included your normal humor into the story :D 

LOL Chapter two's A/N at the end. Please, my story does not cost $99.99 to read. It's much, much more expensive than that. Every view I get is equivalent to a glance ( or touch) at Sehun's bulge. Thank you for saying I'm whacked up in the head. xD You're no better! 

I was really engrossed in your story. It's so exciting  that I can't stop !! TT ^ TT 

The only thing is that some characters ( like Hyemi, Myungsoo, even Haera and Suho) just seem to come and go. If you added in an extra chapter or simply some more explanation within the story about them, then they would have an even bigger impact on the readers. 

Total : 75.5/100 points

I'm 97% sure I added the points together correctly.. Your review took me the longest out of any review I have ever done in my life. I have no idea why. LOL. I think it's a good thing? Anyway, hope I was fair enough to you, and good job! :)

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