So this is heartache …

*****************************

I have never been the confrontational type. I am the one who pretends that a problem doesn’t exist until it magically goes away. I hate arguments or any kind of conflict. So it goes without saying that I did not ask Seunghyun about the kiss.

As I lay sleepless in my bed and my phone tightly clasped on my chest, I waited for a phone call or text that never came. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to hear what happened from him. I just wanted to ignore it and pretend that it was just a natural thing for a guy and a girl to kiss after a date. I should have expected this right? I should have thought about the outcome of this complicated situation I knowingly got into. I should have been prepared for the hurt to come. I should have … but I have not …

I have not prepared myself for this. I was too foolish to think that there will not be any intimate moments between Bom and Seunghyun. I was too naïve to envision all this sharing game like it’s a child’s play date. And I have nobody to blame but myself. 

I woke up with a heavy heart and it was past 10AM when I got up. Mom left a note saying she had to work but left breakfast at the table. After eating, I decided to get out of the house and get some fresh air to clear the dark cloud that’s settled over my head. I saddled up Tamtamie for a long due exercise and at first, I aimlessly wander around until I realize that I am heading towards Bom’s house.

Not before long, we entered their gate and I was already down and tying Tamtam on a fence rail when I noticed a familiar red motorcycle.

I felt my heart drop with a thud. 

For a moment, my legs wouldn’t move. I was unable to decide if I should run away or go inside the house. 

Due to my few moments of indecision, I was seen by the caretaker of Bom’s family. The ahjumma knows me well and called me to come inside.

I started to shake my head, finally deciding to run away but she was already calling Bom and telling her that I’ve come to visit. 

Bom immediately came outside and hugged me tightly. “You’re just in time!” She started pulling my arm. “We’re having lunch. You should join us.”

I tried to disengage and protest saying that I just ate but Bom was having none of it. She seemed so cheerful today and arriving at the kitchen, I saw the reason why.

Seunghyun looked like a deer caught in the headlights, eyes wide and stiff. 

“Dara is joining us for lunch” Bom loudly announced.

I peel my eyes away from Seunghyun and said hello to Bom’s parents.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you” I said, “I was just in the area and took my horse out for exercise … I didn’t mean to intrude-“

“Hush” Bom’s mom interrupted me. “What are you saying? You know you can always come and go here, right? Come sit beside me.” She patted the chair next to her which was across Seunghyun. He’s sitting beside Bom and Uncle Park is at the head of the table.

I awkwardly said thank you and basically forced fed myself and it was a miracle that I did not choke to death because I felt a huge lump on my throat all throughout the meal. I was quiet, unlike the usual happy chatterbox that I used to be whenever I come over and Seunghyun was noticeably monosyllabic as well. He only talked when he was spoken to.

Immediately after dessert, I excused myself citing some household chores that needed to get done before my mother arrives tonight.

“Seunghyun and I are studying together” Bom informed me. “Why don’t you stay a while longer so we can do research for Economics together?”

I shake my head. “I’m really sorry Bom. Maybe next time?” I answered and forced a smile.

“Oh, alright.” She acquiesced.

I said goodbye to the room and met everyone’s eyes except Seunghyun’s.

I couldn’t get out there fast enough.

*****************************

The test message came a few minutes after.

I can explain, it read.

I ignored it.

Another beep. Let’s talk, please.

I rode Tamtam faster.

A few minutes later, I heard my phone ringing. I knew it was him. I let it rang and rang.

After a few hours, I grew tired of thinking.

“Where are you?” he asked, when I finally decided to answer his call. 

I paused for a beat, then in a small voice, “Where we first met …”

He was silent for a while and then I heard him let out a deep sigh. “I’ve been looking all over for you …”his voice hinted exasperation. “I was so worried when I found out you weren’t at your house. You wouldn’t answer my texts and my calls …”

I can imagine him raking his fingers through his hair in a frustrated manner. But I am at a loss on what to say so I stayed silent.

“Wait for me there.” He told me. “Don’t leave.” He hanged up.

When Seunghyun arrived, I did not stand up from where I was sitting under a huge tangerine tree on a higher up part of the grove, overlooking the rest of the plantation. I merely raised my head to look at him and we held our gaze for a moment and then he sat beside me.

The silence was particularly painful but I did not want to be the first one to speak. Finally, after a couple of minutes, Seunghyun did.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I kept my silence and just stared straight ahead, not looking at him.

“I should have told you … Her parents personally invited me the other day when I sent Bom home so I couldn’t decline. It’s just lunch, Dara. It’s not a big deal.”

“If it’s not a big deal then you could have mentioned it easily, right?” I said, trying to leave out the accusing tone. I turn to look at him. “Is there anything else you’re not telling me?”

He averts his gaze and I knew. I picked up some of it earlier during lunch. I sat here thinking about all the little solicitous acts of Seunghyun to Bom during lunch. Although he was pretty quiet, he was very attentive to Bom’s needs and the way he sincerely looked at her made me feel insecure.

He let out a deep sigh. “I don’t think I can do this anymore …”

I felt a sharp pain right across my chest and it was difficult to breathe.

“Bom is a sweet g