Chapter 28
The Blue of the Sky on Rainy Days
Gradually, in his small and uncomfortable cell that smelt horrible, Eunhyuk regained consciousness. The first day, he did not even remember what his name was; he felt like being a big empty wall and could not remember anything.
The second day, he began to perceive the sensation of pain throughout his body. He realized he had a plaster on his nose and a bandage on his wrist. Concentrating, he succeeded, image by image, sound by sound, one after another, to remember the horrible scene that had put him in such a state. He saw everything in his mind, the church as a background, the people wearing black, the big open coffin, and he remained devoid of thoughts and feelings, as if the shock of the candlestick was still echoing in his skull.
During the day that followed, a slow and insidious pain awoke, slowly, very slowly, and crawled up to his heart to lodge in. The policemen who guarded saw his condition deteriorate quite frankly on this third day; it was paradoxically when his body seemed to heal and his mind gradually come back, that he seemed to really start feeling the pain and have some kinds of hallucinations. He knew very well that Donghae was dead, but he could not help but imagine he was next to him, in his cell. From the outside, behind the bars, one could see him comfort a breath, hand outstretched to caress the air, leave an empty spot on his small bench for an invisible guest. He smiled at the wall and was worried about whether it was cold or thirsty, he was not too bored.
- "Well Eunhyuk", asked the policeman who had never detained such a special and intriguing prisoner of his entire career, "tell me, who are you taking care of this well?"
But the young man did not answer anything and just glanced at him with a fearful and threatening look, as if he wanted to defend the emptiness he protected behind him.
- "Sir, I received a phone call like what a psychiatrist will come to see the prisoner", the voice of a policeman announced. "Except from the preliminary investigation needs, I think he really needs it."
- "Yes, indeed", the Commissioner answered. "But I’m not sure he’ll be able to get a single word from this strange kid. I'd like to know the truth behind this whole sordid story, it mustn’t be very happy."
The next day, during the fourth day of his detention, Eunhyuk, who had previously refused any kind of food, began to feel hungry. Opening his eyes in the morning, he saw that there was nobody in his cell, that he was alone, and that the presence that had accompanied him the day before was only the product of his imagination. He heaved a long sigh that gave chills to the policeman. It was the sigh of someone who resigns himself, of someone who’s willing to see his heart split forever, without making a single gesture to try and keep the pieces. He realized he was in a very difficult situation, and that in addition of the humiliation and fatigue a long examination in court would bring him, he would probably make a small living by the reformatory and would have to say goodbye to all his chances of entering university. But what was it to him anyway? What for? He did not even want a future. He was therefore perfectly in control of his reason and more than depressed when, through the window, he saw, within a fraction of a second, a familiar face, the one of his friend that looked like a cat muzzle.
- "That’s not possible", he reasoned, "I saw him in his coffin with my own eyes. Are hallucinations coming back? At least I hope that if I get crazy, I’ll be able to have his room in the center... Or maybe it’s a ghost? I can believe in everything now anyway, I don’t care ..."
The meeting with the psychiatrist, a certain Dr. Cho, enlightened the whole situation. He had asked the Commissioner to speak privately with the prisoner in order to do his job properly, which had been granted without much difficulty. Eunhyuk was installed in the small interrogation room, arms brought behind his chair and cuffs around his wrists.
The second day, he began to perceive the sensation of pain throughout his body. He realized he had a plaster on his nose and a bandage on his wrist. Concentrating, he succeeded, image by image, sound by sound, one after another, to remember the horrible scene that had put him in such a state. He saw everything in his mind, the church as a background, the people wearing black, the big open coffin, and he remained devoid of thoughts and feelings, as if the shock of the candlestick was still echoing in his skull.
During the day that followed, a slow and insidious pain awoke, slowly, very slowly, and crawled up to his heart to lodge in. The policemen who guarded saw his condition deteriorate quite frankly on this third day; it was paradoxically when his body seemed to heal and his mind gradually come back, that he seemed to really start feeling the pain and have some kinds of hallucinations. He knew very well that Donghae was dead, but he could not help but imagine he was next to him, in his cell. From the outside, behind the bars, one could see him comfort a breath, hand outstretched to caress the air, leave an empty spot on his small bench for an invisible guest. He smiled at the wall and was worried about whether it was cold or thirsty, he was not too bored.
- "Well Eunhyuk", asked the policeman who had never detained such a special and intriguing prisoner of his entire career, "tell me, who are you taking care of this well?"
But the young man did not answer anything and just glanced at him with a fearful and threatening look, as if he wanted to defend the emptiness he protected behind him.
- "Sir, I received a phone call like what a psychiatrist will come to see the prisoner", the voice of a policeman announced. "Except from the preliminary investigation needs, I think he really needs it."
- "Yes, indeed", the Commissioner answered. "But I’m not sure he’ll be able to get a single word from this strange kid. I'd like to know the truth behind this whole sordid story, it mustn’t be very happy."
The next day, during the fourth day of his detention, Eunhyuk, who had previously refused any kind of food, began to feel hungry. Opening his eyes in the morning, he saw that there was nobody in his cell, that he was alone, and that the presence that had accompanied him the day before was only the product of his imagination. He heaved a long sigh that gave chills to the policeman. It was the sigh of someone who resigns himself, of someone who’s willing to see his heart split forever, without making a single gesture to try and keep the pieces. He realized he was in a very difficult situation, and that in addition of the humiliation and fatigue a long examination in court would bring him, he would probably make a small living by the reformatory and would have to say goodbye to all his chances of entering university. But what was it to him anyway? What for? He did not even want a future. He was therefore perfectly in control of his reason and more than depressed when, through the window, he saw, within a fraction of a second, a familiar face, the one of his friend that looked like a cat muzzle.
- "That’s not possible", he reasoned, "I saw him in his coffin with my own eyes. Are hallucinations coming back? At least I hope that if I get crazy, I’ll be able to have his room in the center... Or maybe it’s a ghost? I can believe in everything now anyway, I don’t care ..."
The meeting with the psychiatrist, a certain Dr. Cho, enlightened the whole situation. He had asked the Commissioner to speak privately with the prisoner in order to do his job properly, which had been granted without much difficulty. Eunhyuk was installed in the small interrogation room, arms brought behind his chair and cuffs around his wrists.
- "You don’t suffer too much?" The psychiatrist asked with compassion as he pointed at the plaster that covered his nose.
But Eunhyuk did not answer.
- "I'm sorry we had to do this in such an uncomfortable position for you. But there was no way to contact you before, I've already got lots of trouble to be sent there in order to be in charge of this investigation..."
Eunhyuk looked at him questioningly. Had he become a freak of nature, an interesting specimen to observe?
- "Really, things haven’t been done well, I 'm sorry that you find yourself in such a bad position, but I didn’t know how to do, it was really difficult to work it out..."
Eunhyuk looked at him questioningly. Had he become a freak of nature, an interesting specimen to observe?
- "Really, things haven’t been done well, I 'm sorry that you find yourself in such a bad position, but I didn’t know how to do, it was really difficult to work it out..."
Eunhyuk began to think that it was not him who was delirious, but the doctor. Where did he wanted to come to, why was he apologizing to him as if he knew him, or had anything to do with everything that had happened?
- "But well, I did the best I could, and I think you’ll feel very relieved and may be able to forgive me when you’ll know that the biggest source of your worries ... has no place to be. Well, I didn’t want to cause you a shock, but I've never been this much involved with a patient, so it’s a bit hard. To be clear, what I’ve just told you is that Donghae’s alive.""
Eunhyuk, as awakened by a cold shower, looked up warily, almost angrily, with a jingle from his handcuffs.
- "What? What are you saying?" He violently asked.
- "That he’s alive. It’s a ploy that we..."
- "I don’t believe you!" Spat the young prisoner who felt the urge to slap the doctor as he made statements that rubbed salt in the gaping wound of his heart.
He had straightened on his chair with a completely menacing attitude.
- "But it's true!" Dr. Cho passionately objected. "Look", he said.
He took a leather wallet, on which his initials KH were engraved, out of his pocket, and extracted small sheets on which colored rosettes were drawn with application.
- "He did all this for you", he explained, "and told me to give them to you until you two could meet again. He also gave me that as well as evidence in case you didn’t believe me", he showed him as he put Donghae’s half cloud in front of him. "He told me that you did it together at the pottery workshop, on the small table in the game room."
Seeing all this, Eunhyuk’s heart had started to pound very fast and he felt dizzy. He fell back in his chair, as stunned with surprise.
- "We had agreed, he and I, to make people believe in his death", the doctor continued, seeing that he had calmed down. "But he’s not dead for real, it was only an enactment so he could start a new life, live freely, get rid of his father and leave the center. We didn’t find any other solution."
- "But how is that possible?" The young prisoner asked, incredulous and still on the defensive.
- "I made him swallow a product that plunged his body into the most complete rest, a rest so deep that it’s almost identical to death. You know, just like what gives Brother Lawrence to Juliet. And well, I announced his death myself. We had planned a complete ploy with an old friend of mine, who works in your school by the way, to take the body out of the coffin before it goes to cemetery; which was greatly facilitated with the commotion you created ... You see, I knew the priest since seminar time, I studied over there for a while before I realized it was not made for me, and he was kind enough to help me after hearing all this horrible history ..."
Eunhyuk , who fought with all his might against the hope he was feeling submerge from all sides not to suffer any more, interrupted him again :
Seeing all this, Eunhyuk’s heart had started to pound very fast and he felt dizzy. He fell back in his chair, as stunned with surprise.
- "We had agreed, he and I, to make people believe in his death", the doctor continued, seeing that he had calmed down. "But he’s not dead for real, it was only an enactment so he could start a new life, live freely, get rid of his father and leave the center. We didn’t find any other solution."
- "But how is that possible?" The young prisoner asked, incredulous and still on the defensive.
- "I made him swallow a product that plunged his body into the most complete rest, a rest so deep that it’s almost identical to death. You know, just like what gives Brother Lawrence to Juliet. And well, I announced his death myself. We had planned a complete ploy with an old friend of mine, who works in your school by the way, to take the body out of the coffin before it goes to cemetery; which was greatly facilitated with the commotion you created ... You see, I knew the priest since seminar time, I studied over there for a while before I realized it was not made for me, and he was kind enough to help me after hearing all this horrible history ..."
Eunhyuk , who fought with all his might against the hope he was feeling submerge from all sides not to suffer any more, interrupted him again :
- "But why did you do that? Why did you put all this in place?"
- "Should I tell you everything right from the beginning?"
- "If you want me to even have a little faith in you, it’d be better", Eunhyuk threatened.
- "Should I tell you everything right from the beginning?"
- "If you want me to even have a little faith in you, it’d be better", Eunhyuk threatened.
***
- "I was listening to “Desolation Row”, a very good track, in my office when a secretary came to inform me about the arrival of the young patient we expected the transfer. It was scheduled for two days later, but mysteriously, the date of his arrival had been moved forward. I therefore went down the building to welcome him out of the ambulance which had been responsible of his transport. The director of the center where he had been treated previously had warned me that he would most probably be a very difficult case, that his behavior alternated between periods of prostration and periods of fits and violent outbursts. In the letter he sent me, he also said that Donghae would certainly be very affect by his transfer and would constantly ask to go back to the small town he was before, but that we shouldn’t pay attention to this craze, which was due to the real panic that a change of environment caused him.
I later realized that this director had taken care to tell me this by letter to hide the real cause of the deplorable state we received him in. What a professional misconduct! What an affront to Hippocrates oath! Accept to take the risk of definitely breaking a patient who was just starting to make his first timid and trembling steps on the road of recovery by vile ambition, by servility of desire for social advancement!
In addition, Donghae was completely stunned by anesthetic. Do you realize? Anesthetics, such as those administered for surgeries when he was in perfect health!
I immediately felt that there was something fishy behind this precipitate transfer, this strange written recommendation and the deplorable condition of the patient. Not to mention his health check netted me another information that also worried me a lot and did not give me much more pleasure than the rest: According the doctor who examined him , taking advantage of his still half conscious state, there were high chances that Donghae had been sodomized. I immediately thought the worst. The director of the center he came from seemed even more suspicious to me. I truly feared our little patient had been victim of , which would have pretty much explained his horrible psychological state."
Eunhyuk moved on his chair, but the doctor gestured him not to cut him as he did not have much time.
- "I decided to take care of his therapy myself", he continued, "task that didn’t prove easy at all and that revealed some deal I would never have suspected. I first understood pretty quickly that my new patient had mostly been left in the hands of nurses and not competent doctors as no tests that are very usual to deal with such cases, and that are practiced almost every day to awaken the patient, were not familiar to him at all.
At first, I wanted to have ordinary consultations with him in my office, but when he was not struggling like a madman, he remained stubbornly silent, as if he had never experienced any improvement and had remained to point zero. I could hardly believe his file that yet claimed he had made significant progress during the past months and that he could, for example, walk alone in the center’s courtyard, or take a shower without too much difficulty.
At first, I wanted to have ordinary consultations with him in my office, but when he was not struggling like a madman, he remained stubbornly silent, as if he had never experienced any improvement and had remained to point zero. I could hardly believe his file that yet claimed he had made significant progress during the past months and that he could, for example, walk alone in the center’s courtyard, or take a shower without too much difficulty.
I tried to tame him by talking gently, by offering him food that children like, by offering him toys, without any success. Nothing worked, he let himself waste away, refused to eat, wash, move, and we had to force him to drink.... I was convinced he had experience some kind of trauma, but how to investigate if the one who knows everything won’t talk?
The breakthrough completely occurred by chance, about three weeks after his arrival. I let him in my office, discreetly watching him from afar without bothering him with questions or usual awakening exercises, that he refused to do anyway, to let him get comfortable and freely observe his behavior. I decided to put some music to see how he reacted to it. I played several songs without getting any reaction from him. And then he suddenly woke up, and with bright eyes, he blurted "That’s ‘Nyuk’s music!"
I looked at the CD I had just played; it was a mini album of Epik High. I immediately jumped on the opportunity and asked him who this ‘Nuyk he had mentioned was; but he didn’t say anything. However, by inviting him to listen to this music that apparently reminded him of good memories, and with patience, I managed to get him to talk a little.
To synthesize, music probably convinced him that I was someone you could trust. Gradually, I was able, with small bits of conversation he let out, to reconstitute the whole story. One of the first things he asked me when he felt I was not his enemy, was the exact address of the center he was in. I didn’t really understand why it could be so important, especially since his only answer, which he always repeated like a chorus, was “I have to tell ‘Nuyk!" I began to think that he had created an imaginary friend to confide his troubles and invent strange little games where no one would bother him; this is quite common for patients like him. But one day, he told me “I hope that 'Nuyk is doing well in math even though I can’t explain him difficult things. He promised to do his best to go to college with me.”, and I began to doubt. First, it seemed strange to me that Donghae, considering the state in which he had arrived here, could be aware of external realities such as university, or even think about giving math lessons."
The breakthrough completely occurred by chance, about three weeks after his arrival. I let him in my office, discreetly watching him from afar without bothering him with questions or usual awakening exercises, that he refused to do anyway, to let him get comfortable and freely observe his behavior. I decided to put some music to see how he reacted to it. I played several songs without getting any reaction from him. And then he suddenly woke up, and with bright eyes, he blurted "That’s ‘Nyuk’s music!"
I looked at the CD I had just played; it was a mini album of Epik High. I immediately jumped on the opportunity and asked him who this ‘Nuyk he had mentioned was; but he didn’t say anything. However, by inviting him to listen to this music that apparently reminded him of good memories, and with patience, I managed to get him to talk a little.
To synthesize, music probably convinced him that I was someone you could trust. Gradually, I was able, with small bits of conversation he let out, to reconstitute the whole story. One of the first things he asked me when he felt I was not his enemy, was the exact address of the center he was in. I didn’t really understand why it could be so important, especially since his only answer, which he always repeated like a chorus, was “I have to tell ‘Nuyk!" I began to think that he had created an imaginary friend to confide his troubles and invent strange little games where no one would bother him; this is quite common for patients like him. But one day, he told me “I hope that 'Nuyk is doing well in math even though I can’t explain him difficult things. He promised to do his best to go to college with me.”, and I began to doubt. First, it seemed strange to me that Donghae, considering the state in which he had arrived here, could be aware of external realities such as university, or even think about giving math lessons."
- "You think you’re strong enough to give him math lessons?" I asked just in case.
- "Well, he told me I explain well, and he has good grades now, and I also won a contest he told me to do."
- "All that puzzled me. Who in the world could be that boy he always talked about? Given what he told me, it unlikely seemed like an imaginary friend, and I began to think it had to be someone from outside, outside the medical community.
To be sure, grabbing the first sheet within my reach, I wrote some random equation and asked him to solve it for me. Without appearing to think about it, he wrote the result on the sheet. "You can’t do things as easy?" he innocently asked me.
We spent the whole afternoon doing increasingly hard exercises, until I could no longer follow him. What was my surprise when I discovered his amazing intellectual capacity! And his record didn’t mention anything! I couldn’t believe that in so many years, no one had been able to discover that he was a little genius. I realized that a lot of information had been hidden. Things had been removed from his history. The director, whose report was so strange, was unreachable.
I was even more shocked when I discovered that the names that were supposed to be Donghae’s parents didn’t refer to anything at all; no address, no trace of medical care, no registration of births. They were false names. They wanted to hide his origins and his past. Just imagine the state of revolt these revelations plunged me in. What life could have lived this poor boy? I decided to embark myself into some real investigation. I tried to question Donghae, who was a little less fierce than usual since I had promised to help him find his friend, which I had learned in the meantime that’s full name was Eunhyuk."
To be sure, grabbing the first sheet within my reach, I wrote some random equation and asked him to solve it for me. Without appearing to think about it, he wrote the result on the sheet. "You can’t do things as easy?" he innocently asked me.
We spent the whole afternoon doing increasingly hard exercises, until I could no longer follow him. What was my surprise when I discovered his amazing intellectual capacity! And his record didn’t mention anything! I couldn’t believe that in so many years, no one had been able to discover that he was a little genius. I realized that a lot of information had been hidden. Things had been removed from his history. The director, whose report was so strange, was unreachable.
I was even more shocked when I discovered that the names that were supposed to be Donghae’s parents didn’t refer to anything at all; no address, no trace of medical care, no registration of births. They were false names. They wanted to hide his origins and his past. Just imagine the state of revolt these revelations plunged me in. What life could have lived this poor boy? I decided to embark myself into some real investigation. I tried to question Donghae, who was a little less fierce than usual since I had promised to help him find his friend, which I had learned in the meantime that’s full name was Eunhyuk."
The said young man listened with rapt attention despite his fatigue, his eyes never looking away from the other’s lips not to miss all these informations he finally heard about Donghae’s long months of solitude.
- "He relaxed when he talked about you", Dr. Cho told him as he went on his long monologue, "but what he told me didn’t help me much to advance in my researches. I was still reassured on one point. One day, as he was looking at the sky and clouds through the window of my office, looking particularly calm and willing to talk, I tried to ask him to see if my hypothesis about was true, not without fear, because I was afraid he would go into some hysterical fit, as he had already done so since his arrival by having to recall traumatic memories. But well, I really needed to know."
- "He relaxed when he talked about you", Dr. Cho told him as he went on his long monologue, "but what he told me didn’t help me much to advance in my researches. I was still reassured on one point. One day, as he was looking at the sky and clouds through the window of my office, looking particularly calm and willing to talk, I tried to ask him to see if my hypothesis about was true, not without fear, because I was afraid he would go into some hysterical fit, as he had already done so since his arrival by having to recall traumatic memories. But well, I really needed to know."
- "Donghae, tell me", I asked, "did someone... I know it's a bit hard to answer such questions, that it’s a bit embarrassing ... but you have to answer me, it’s important. Okay... did someone where you were before tried ... to touch you?" He only responded by opened his eyes wide in astonishment, without seeming to understand what I was insinuating.
- "At intimate places I mean ... Did someone asked you to do strange things with parts of your body that normally only concern you?" I was the one starting to feel bad to say all these insinuating things, even thought that when Donghae finally understood what I meant, he didn’t seem more disturbed than that. His modesty is very different from ours of course, it attaches to other things.
- "With my little thing you mean?" He asked me without being disturbed.
- "Uh, yes, if you want to call it that…" I replied. Donghae suddenly seemed embarrassed, as if he remembered something.
- "Eunhyuk told me not to talk about it", he explained, embarrassed to have forgotten the recommendation of his friend. In any case, Eunhyuk’s name gave me a shock. Was it the only friend he had who had abused him? I tell you honestly, my heart sank.
- "But is that Eunhyuk who did this to you? You didn’t protest? It didn’t hurt you?" I continued, imagining the worst.
- "No", he replied innocently, that’s what you do when you love someone a lot, and 'Nuyk will never hurt me, he said he would always protect me ..."
I never thought that Donghae could have been in love with this friend he constantly talked about. A kind of melancholy had seized him as he told me this, and his eyes had looked up to the sky outside. By the way, it’s some kind of half cloud he took out of his pocket when I asked him:
- "At intimate places I mean ... Did someone asked you to do strange things with parts of your body that normally only concern you?" I was the one starting to feel bad to say all these insinuating things, even thought that when Donghae finally understood what I meant, he didn’t seem more disturbed than that. His modesty is very different from ours of course, it attaches to other things.
- "With my little thing you mean?" He asked me without being disturbed.
- "Uh, yes, if you want to call it that…" I replied. Donghae suddenly seemed embarrassed, as if he remembered something.
- "Eunhyuk told me not to talk about it", he explained, embarrassed to have forgotten the recommendation of his friend. In any case, Eunhyuk’s name gave me a shock. Was it the only friend he had who had abused him? I tell you honestly, my heart sank.
- "But is that Eunhyuk who did this to you? You didn’t protest? It didn’t hurt you?" I continued, imagining the worst.
- "No", he replied innocently, that’s what you do when you love someone a lot, and 'Nuyk will never hurt me, he said he would always protect me ..."
I never thought that Donghae could have been in love with this friend he constantly talked about. A kind of melancholy had seized him as he told me this, and his eyes had looked up to the sky outside. By the way, it’s some kind of half cloud he took out of his pocket when I asked him:
- "But then... your friend Eunhyuk ... you're in love with him?"
- "When he told me what love was, I knew what I felt for him", he told me with a sudden flash of maturity. "He wrote Eun on my half, and I wrote Hae on his, and when they are together, it's like pieces of a puzzle. It's pretty, isn’t it? I miss him so much ... I hope he’ll come soon." After these few words, he fell back into lethargy. He didn’t seem to understand his situation very well, that his friend would probably never know where he was. But I refused to let things like this. Donghae had been transferred because of this affair with another boy? I went on my researches with more ardors.
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Okay so first......... SORRY !! (yet again OTL) Just.. learning chinese is quite tiring.. I have to work a lot ! (And even thought, my marks are not that good TT)
Secondly.. I started puting "..." when people talk =) I asked my mother (who's English) about it and she told me that it was a French thing not to put "..." for everything ! I didn't know at all x) So now it should be easier to read ! =D
Third thing... Concerning Heaven & Hell.. If some of you read it, I'm sorry, there's still no new chapter in French =( But I'll try my best when it'll come out, okay? =)
So sorry again for the long wait... =(
Hope you still enjoy it~
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