Chapter 26
The Blue of the Sky on Rainy Days
Eunhyuk had stood up and remained in front of his chair in a dismal air. It was too much for him. He stood idly, capable of everything but not finding anything to fight. So many things were going on behind his back, behind the scenes, and he had not suspected anything. What could he do? With which weapons could he oppose this iron vise that controlled everything in Donghae’s life?
- "Believe me young man; it’s better for you too. You don’t know what you were getting into."
- "But I don’t want him to leave!"
- "Things are not just about what you want or not unfortunately, but about what is best for Donghae. Now that he managed to make a friend, he will certainly make new ones where he’ll go, don’t worry."
- "But ...", Eunhyuk began, a wave of panic gradually submerging his heart, "I don’t want him to make other friends like me!"
- "Really, and why is that?" The director asked, astonished.
- "Believe me young man; it’s better for you too. You don’t know what you were getting into."
- "But I don’t want him to leave!"
- "Things are not just about what you want or not unfortunately, but about what is best for Donghae. Now that he managed to make a friend, he will certainly make new ones where he’ll go, don’t worry."
- "But ...", Eunhyuk began, a wave of panic gradually submerging his heart, "I don’t want him to make other friends like me!"
- "Really, and why is that?" The director asked, astonished.
Eunhyuk did not know what to do. The only thing that came to his mind was to burst into tears and snuggle against his mother’s shoulder, just as when he was little. Feeling so helpless, he began to understand Donghae’s state, his horrible fears, his attacks, which were the only way for him to indicate his will. Everything was always decided for him, for his supposedly good, and never did they ask for his opinion, not letting him choose. Eunhyuk understood very well in which cage, in which iron grip, he probably had the impression of being in. Really, such a lack of freedom made him want to cry of rage. He decided to use the last card he had in reserve, heart pounding. It was suicide, but he could not find another idea, nothing strong enough to oppose this mechanism that would completely crush him.
- "Because ... because ... such friends, you can’t have many of them."
- "You know, it would eventually have weighed you to some point, you would have come less often to the center, you would have begun to see it as an obligation..."
- "No! That’s completely wrong, Donghae’s always the person I look forward to see, he always comes first; and not by sacrifice, but because I can’t help myself! What I mean is that ... I think ... nothing could hurt Donghae more than being separated."
- "It will hurt him, of course, I can’t deny it, but somehow I doubt it’s possible for him to actually attach to people. The pain that the separation will make him feel and the need to rebuild a new social life will make him grow stronger too."
- "Even more lost yes!" Eunhyuk angrily replied with a hoarse voice. "His family rejected him, he’ll leave the place he’s familiar to, you refuse him a chance of finding his place in society, and you want to snatch him away from the only person who loves him in addition, but how do you believe it’ll make him grow stronger?! You'll break him down!"
- "You mean that 214 and you ... that Donghae feels romantic feelings for you? But what an absolutely curious medical case! It’s fascinating!"
Eunhyuk raised his head towards him: was there still hope?
- "Because ... because ... such friends, you can’t have many of them."
- "You know, it would eventually have weighed you to some point, you would have come less often to the center, you would have begun to see it as an obligation..."
- "No! That’s completely wrong, Donghae’s always the person I look forward to see, he always comes first; and not by sacrifice, but because I can’t help myself! What I mean is that ... I think ... nothing could hurt Donghae more than being separated."
- "It will hurt him, of course, I can’t deny it, but somehow I doubt it’s possible for him to actually attach to people. The pain that the separation will make him feel and the need to rebuild a new social life will make him grow stronger too."
- "Even more lost yes!" Eunhyuk angrily replied with a hoarse voice. "His family rejected him, he’ll leave the place he’s familiar to, you refuse him a chance of finding his place in society, and you want to snatch him away from the only person who loves him in addition, but how do you believe it’ll make him grow stronger?! You'll break him down!"
- "You mean that 214 and you ... that Donghae feels romantic feelings for you? But what an absolutely curious medical case! It’s fascinating!"
Eunhyuk raised his head towards him: was there still hope?
- "But", the director continued in a seemingly interested air," was he able to communicate his feelings? Actually, I didn’t even think he could understand what the feeling of love meant. Are you sure you didn’t interpret a bit too much?"
- "No", Eunhyuk replied, embarrassed, yet encouraged by the small glimmer of hope that the director’s attitude made him see. "Actually, we watched movies together, and it’s true that he did not quite understand the reactions of the characters ... We talked together, he questioned me about things that seemed obvious to me ... I told him what it felt like to be in love, why you wanted to kiss the person ..."
- "He’s able to have discussions like this with you?"
- "Yes, well... He asks questions ... And one day ... in the yard... he ... kissed... me. Oh, he barely put his lips on mine, but ..."
A little, pink cloud lighted his cheeks as he spoke, looking at his hands. Eunhyuk seemed really touched by the memory he told in a low voice as to not damage it, like a fragile ornament. Despite the situation, he could not prevent a barely perceptible smile to come and caress his face.
- "Interesting, interesting!" The director said. "I never thought he would ever be able to have this kind of gesture. His condition has really improved ..."
- "You understand", Eunhyuk went on with passion as it was his last hope, "we mustn’t be separated! That would hurt him too much just when he had finally found someone to ..."
- "Hmm...", the director cut him off, pensive, "I however have one reserve. Though it seems to be a big improvement to me, it was indeed inconceivable that 214 could have affectionate gestures. Even animals, cats, dogs, display some when you're nice to them. However, I fear that your relationship will destroy him even more than a separation now, because it’s very likely to end. I know that a well and energetic young man like you will sooner or later have desires of another kind, but it’s not sure that 214 will feel them one day ..."
- "Stop calling Donghae 214 ! Even if he’s nothing more for you, respect my sensitivity while talking to me at least!"
- "Yes, certainly. But there will come a day you’ll need physical embrace, it’s human..."
- "Donghae already gives me everything I need."
- "Yes, you say that now. But one day ... if you try to force him a little... a tragedy could occur."
- "But we’ve done it already!" Eunhyuk, who could no longer take it, exclaimed. "I’ll never make him do something he doesn’t want! He trusts me, and I love him!"
The director stood up with a smirk, satisfied to finally know how far they had gone exactly, which was his secret goal since the beginning of the talk, and went to pat the shoulder of the young man who was now crying freely. Rubbing a dust on his white coat, he said in a cheerful tone:
- "But our little Donghae’s on a stage of remission far more advanced than I would have ever thought! Thank you for telling me young man, you’ve done well, believe me. I'll make some calls, see what I can do."
Eunhyuk looked up, quickly dried his tears, and asked with wide eyes:
- "No", Eunhyuk replied, embarrassed, yet encouraged by the small glimmer of hope that the director’s attitude made him see. "Actually, we watched movies together, and it’s true that he did not quite understand the reactions of the characters ... We talked together, he questioned me about things that seemed obvious to me ... I told him what it felt like to be in love, why you wanted to kiss the person ..."
- "He’s able to have discussions like this with you?"
- "Yes, well... He asks questions ... And one day ... in the yard... he ... kissed... me. Oh, he barely put his lips on mine, but ..."
A little, pink cloud lighted his cheeks as he spoke, looking at his hands. Eunhyuk seemed really touched by the memory he told in a low voice as to not damage it, like a fragile ornament. Despite the situation, he could not prevent a barely perceptible smile to come and caress his face.
- "Interesting, interesting!" The director said. "I never thought he would ever be able to have this kind of gesture. His condition has really improved ..."
- "You understand", Eunhyuk went on with passion as it was his last hope, "we mustn’t be separated! That would hurt him too much just when he had finally found someone to ..."
- "Hmm...", the director cut him off, pensive, "I however have one reserve. Though it seems to be a big improvement to me, it was indeed inconceivable that 214 could have affectionate gestures. Even animals, cats, dogs, display some when you're nice to them. However, I fear that your relationship will destroy him even more than a separation now, because it’s very likely to end. I know that a well and energetic young man like you will sooner or later have desires of another kind, but it’s not sure that 214 will feel them one day ..."
- "Stop calling Donghae 214 ! Even if he’s nothing more for you, respect my sensitivity while talking to me at least!"
- "Yes, certainly. But there will come a day you’ll need physical embrace, it’s human..."
- "Donghae already gives me everything I need."
- "Yes, you say that now. But one day ... if you try to force him a little... a tragedy could occur."
- "But we’ve done it already!" Eunhyuk, who could no longer take it, exclaimed. "I’ll never make him do something he doesn’t want! He trusts me, and I love him!"
The director stood up with a smirk, satisfied to finally know how far they had gone exactly, which was his secret goal since the beginning of the talk, and went to pat the shoulder of the young man who was now crying freely. Rubbing a dust on his white coat, he said in a cheerful tone:
- "But our little Donghae’s on a stage of remission far more advanced than I would have ever thought! Thank you for telling me young man, you’ve done well, believe me. I'll make some calls, see what I can do."
Eunhyuk looked up, quickly dried his tears, and asked with wide eyes:
- "It’s true; you're going to help us? You’ll call his father? I beg you, tell him that if his son seems in such good condition to the public, he can make his son’s abandon look like a brave sacrifice so that he could heal! Please, Donghae can’t leave!"
- "Calm down, calm down, I’ll do my best", promised the director with polished shoes and snobbish voice, a thin smile adorning his face. "Come on now, I have other appointments."
He gently grabbed the completely shaken Eunhyuk by his elbow and walked him to the door.
- "I beg you...", the poor boy whispered one last time.
- "Yeah, yeah, I told you I’ll call. One last question though, if I may, before parting..."
- "Yes?" Eunhyuk asked, shaking, at breaking point.
- "You’ve penetrated 214 or he did?"
- "It's me", he forced himself to answer, the question having hurt him more than the hardest hit of the hardest battle.
Giving one of his fondest memories away to such a prosaic question, to such a desperate situation, to such a so unknown and scary a man, with such horrible words, and this atrocious number! It deeply hurt him.
- "Very well, very well", the director replied. "I’ll call."
- "Calm down, calm down, I’ll do my best", promised the director with polished shoes and snobbish voice, a thin smile adorning his face. "Come on now, I have other appointments."
He gently grabbed the completely shaken Eunhyuk by his elbow and walked him to the door.
- "I beg you...", the poor boy whispered one last time.
- "Yeah, yeah, I told you I’ll call. One last question though, if I may, before parting..."
- "Yes?" Eunhyuk asked, shaking, at breaking point.
- "You’ve penetrated 214 or he did?"
- "It's me", he forced himself to answer, the question having hurt him more than the hardest hit of the hardest battle.
Giving one of his fondest memories away to such a prosaic question, to such a desperate situation, to such a so unknown and scary a man, with such horrible words, and this atrocious number! It deeply hurt him.
- "Very well, very well", the director replied. "I’ll call."
***
The nightclub’s music pierced his eardrums. He had come because he was touched by Heechul’s effort to make it up to him while everyone murmured about him through the school’s hallways. He had done his best to look cool, detached and smiling. But in reality, as he sipped the alcohol he drank illegally, his mind was completely elsewhere. The crowd, the noise, the smell of the bodies full of life and desire; all this was slowly killing him. Mingle to all this commotion was true martyr. But he did not know what else to do than to let all that occupy the total nothingness of his brain.
He had not had the strength, after his talk with the director, of experiencing it again by telling Donghae. He had told him he had a headache, because of course, despite his efforts, Donghae had, just as how cats know when it will rain, noticed he did not feel well. Eunhyuk had felt too exhausted to comfort him by telling him everything. If he had had an attack, he would not have been able to calm him down, he would have started crying beside him. He would go tomorrow, he would tell him, he would be strong for both of them. Donghae, having felt him so disturbed, had wrapped his arms around him without a word, tenderly, like a feline, and Eunhyuk had felt his heart fall apart at the thought that he might leave. One way or another, he would find a way, he would not let invisible hands open his chest and squeeze his heart so hard with its fist that blood would spurt out of the small compressed muscle until he dies. As his thoughts filled his glassy eyes, as he was hit from all sides on the dance floor, as an unlistenable music printed its rhythm to his bloodstream, he recognized a face. It was Yoo Ra’s. The girl had come clubbing to have fun, as usual. Her life had continued its way as normal. He looked at her dancing from afar, her long red hair sensually following the movements of her body, sadly thinking how it would have been easy to be with her, and how difficult it was to be with the one he loved. He looked at her with empty eyes, locked in this basement you could only choke in, dreaming of trips to the farm and blue sky with clouds.
The nightclub’s music pierced his eardrums. He had come because he was touched by Heechul’s effort to make it up to him while everyone murmured about him through the school’s hallways. He had done his best to look cool, detached and smiling. But in reality, as he sipped the alcohol he drank illegally, his mind was completely elsewhere. The crowd, the noise, the smell of the bodies full of life and desire; all this was slowly killing him. Mingle to all this commotion was true martyr. But he did not know what else to do than to let all that occupy the total nothingness of his brain.
He had not had the strength, after his talk with the director, of experiencing it again by telling Donghae. He had told him he had a headache, because of course, despite his efforts, Donghae had, just as how cats know when it will rain, noticed he did not feel well. Eunhyuk had felt too exhausted to comfort him by telling him everything. If he had had an attack, he would not have been able to calm him down, he would have started crying beside him. He would go tomorrow, he would tell him, he would be strong for both of them. Donghae, having felt him so disturbed, had wrapped his arms around him without a word, tenderly, like a feline, and Eunhyuk had felt his heart fall apart at the thought that he might leave. One way or another, he would find a way, he would not let invisible hands open his chest and squeeze his heart so hard with its fist that blood would spurt out of the small compressed muscle until he dies. As his thoughts filled his glassy eyes, as he was hit from all sides on the dance floor, as an unlistenable music printed its rhythm to his bloodstream, he recognized a face. It was Yoo Ra’s. The girl had come clubbing to have fun, as usual. Her life had continued its way as normal. He looked at her dancing from afar, her long red hair sensually following the movements of her body, sadly thinking how it would have been easy to be with her, and how difficult it was to be with the one he loved. He looked at her with empty eyes, locked in this basement you could only choke in, dreaming of trips to the farm and blue sky with clouds.
- "What’s your problem, want another photo?" The girl, who had noticed his game, finally came to ask in a venomous tone, sure of her beauty.
He looked up at her with eyes so filled of sadness and disappointment, so ready to overflow, with a so helpless face, so devoid of any anger, that she stepped back. It was hard to recognize him. In the end, a few friends came to take her by the waist in a joyful noise to go back dancing; dancing like crazy, and she did not cast him another glance.
- "Well, you don’t look so well", a voice sounded, shouting through the music that filled the entire room, with a hand on his shoulder.
- "Onew, what are you doing here? This is not a place for you here!"
- "It's Heechul who told me to come", his friend replied as he pushed his glasses up his nose. "I admit I'm a bit dizzy. But you don’t look well at all too, you should go get some fresh air! You want me to bring you back a glass of water?"
- "I want ... I want ... everything I need is ..."
***
He looked up at her with eyes so filled of sadness and disappointment, so ready to overflow, with a so helpless face, so devoid of any anger, that she stepped back. It was hard to recognize him. In the end, a few friends came to take her by the waist in a joyful noise to go back dancing; dancing like crazy, and she did not cast him another glance.
- "Well, you don’t look so well", a voice sounded, shouting through the music that filled the entire room, with a hand on his shoulder.
- "Onew, what are you doing here? This is not a place for you here!"
- "It's Heechul who told me to come", his friend replied as he pushed his glasses up his nose. "I admit I'm a bit dizzy. But you don’t look well at all too, you should go get some fresh air! You want me to bring you back a glass of water?"
- "I want ... I want ... everything I need is ..."
***
Along the way, Eunhyuk had picked up stones. Each step he took cleared his mind a bit more, lessened his urge to vomit. He was almost running, as his need of seeing him was important. He was the only one who could put his hands on his forehead to stop the drums in there. He walked in the moonlight on unlit sports fields. He entered the center by the small hole in the fence. His pockets were full of stones. Brushing against walls, he went up to Donghae’s window. Just knowing that he was sleeping behind these curtains calmed him down. He grabbed a few gravel and threw them at the window to make some noise. But he had not thrown them hard enough. After several unsuccessful attempts, he grabbed the largest stone he had in his possession and threw it, using all his strength. It went hitting against the glass before falling back on the floor without it had disturbed the night. Eunhyuk went to pick it up and threw it three times again. He would have been able to spend the entire night this way if he had had to. But after his third try, a little head appeared between the two sides of the half-opened window, its strand of hair completely disheveled. It was Donghae, with misaligned buttons on his pajamas.
- "Did the clouds become rocks for stones to rain?" He asked in a small, sleepy voice as he saw him a few meters down, in the silence of the night.
- "No, they are just your unheard wooer’s sighs that have solidified with sadness. Will you let me slip through this window to the intimate warmth of your room? This night, I need comfort."
Donghae held out his arms as if he could have directly jumped in. With a smile, Eunhyuk took on the front, clinging to the air conditioning vents, to the windows’ edges, to the duct system, to the roughness of the wall. Donghae, who was really scared he would fall, did not dare to say anything so he would not distract him. Finally, he heard the small sounds that the effort of the climb made Eunhyuk have, he saw the silhouette move closer and closer, and he felt his hand grab his.
Eunhyuk, arm pulled by his friend, entered the small room, putting one foot on the windowsill and clinging to the curtains to land on the floor. He strongly smelt party and night, the air coming from outside.
- "Oh dear, you're very strong", Donghae said, bare feet on the floor and his pants floating around his ankles, "it must be very difficult to come up there..."
- "It shouldn’t surprise you thought, isn’t it a cat thing to climb to gutters?"
- "Did the clouds become rocks for stones to rain?" He asked in a small, sleepy voice as he saw him a few meters down, in the silence of the night.
- "No, they are just your unheard wooer’s sighs that have solidified with sadness. Will you let me slip through this window to the intimate warmth of your room? This night, I need comfort."
Donghae held out his arms as if he could have directly jumped in. With a smile, Eunhyuk took on the front, clinging to the air conditioning vents, to the windows’ edges, to the duct system, to the roughness of the wall. Donghae, who was really scared he would fall, did not dare to say anything so he would not distract him. Finally, he heard the small sounds that the effort of the climb made Eunhyuk have, he saw the silhouette move closer and closer, and he felt his hand grab his.
Eunhyuk, arm pulled by his friend, entered the small room, putting one foot on the windowsill and clinging to the curtains to land on the floor. He strongly smelt party and night, the air coming from outside.
- "Oh dear, you're very strong", Donghae said, bare feet on the floor and his pants floating around his ankles, "it must be very difficult to come up there..."
- "It shouldn’t surprise you thought, isn’t it a cat thing to climb to gutters?"
Donghae looked at him with a sweet little grin, his head tilted to the side, without thinking about questioning him concerning his presence in his room so late at night. What Eunhyuk did always surprised him, and this no more than everything else. He had not lit the lamp on his bedside table so it would not draw the attention of the nurse on duty in the hallway, and because anyway, cats see very well at night. The dim light of the moon and of a few stars, up there, far away, that seemed to want to move closer from the window to deceive their eternal boredom by the spectacle of a pure love, as young as they were old, slowly seeped into the small room. Eunhyuk held out his hand to put his little strand back in place, and Donghae did not even think about cringing. They smiled at each other without talking as four o’clock would soon show in the playroom’s clock. Donghae moved closer and, slightly standing on tiptoe to be sure he would not miss his target, arms stiff along his body, he pressed his mouth against Eunhyuk’s; not settling for a brush against his smile, but frankly printing the pulp of his lips against his, teeth a bit out, as if he fully wanted to enjoy their tender flesh.
Eunhyuk did not try to use his hands either. He let himself being kissed with pleasure, as if they were playing a funny game by keeping their kiss in balance between their two faces. He thought that, with the tip of his tongue, Donghae would feel the bitter taste of alcohol for the first time, discover it in his mouth, in a protected place. Donghae rested his heels on the floor, and Eunhyuk bent his neck to continue the kiss in his fall. He finally felt calm, feeling this affectionate little muzzle tickling his face, and all the black crackles that gave him a headache eventually vanished. After a long time, their lips reluctantly parted. Without noticing it, his fingers had tangled to Donghae’s.
- "Ah", he sighed while placing his other hand on Donghae’s striped, badly buttoned pajamas, "if only it made sense to tell you “Deny thy father and refuse thy name!”! If it was possible ... everything would be so easy!"
- "W...why do you say that?" Donghae asked with wide open eyes, like two mirrors reflecting the light of the dark sky.
- "Because ... because today... well, yesterday, when I was in the director's office, he... told me about your father."
Eunhyuk paused for a while because he was not quite sure that Donghae was aware of his family’s social situation, or his abandonment. He did not know how to go about telling him what he had learned without Donghae starting to panic.
- "And?" Donghae asked to encourage him.
- "The director told me that... your father didn’t want you to go to college. And that you couldn’t do anything about it because you’ll never be 18 legally. And that you'll go to another center, better for you ..."
Donghae grabbed his hand, and Eunhyuk felt that he was losing control of himself. He hugged his shivering friend who stammered, frightened “I don’t want to! I don’t… want" He ran his hand in his back in long circles, to calm him down, trying to keep a not so shaky tone to tell him he had explained to the director that they could not be separated, and that he had promised he would do his best to fix things .
- "In any case, I won’t give up on you Donghae", he swore as he buried his face in his hair. "Even if you have to leave, I’ll go in the same town as you as soon as I graduate. You’ll write to me to tell me where you are, right? You'll have to be strong my Donghae if it ever happens this way. I... I'll try to find people, people who’ll be able to denounce the guardianship of your father that takes care of you so badly... I promise you, I won’t abandon you, no matter what happens..."
He said this with a heart more resolute than it had ever had, holding his friend tight against himself. If he could , he would have taken him away in the secret of the night, he would have abducted him from his prison, he would have ran away with him to be sure that no one would ever try to take him away. But two floors, it was high, and Donghae was such clumsy cat...
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Hi~ I'm so so sorry for the long wait !! I know it's unforgivable.. Thought I started school, I'm not that busy so I really have no excuse OTL
Sorry =(
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